Charlie Morphs Into a Mammoth
Page 12
6 A proboscis is a little tube that flies use to eat. They don’t have a mouth or teeth so they can’t chew their food, and everything they eat needs to be liquid. And how do they turn their food into liquid? Well, you’re about to find out. Warning – it’s DISGUSTING.
7 I warned you it was disgusting. But that’s what flies do, I’m afraid.
Chapter 2
1 For those wondering, Mohsen had a new sandwich box. For those who haven’t read Charlie Turns Into a T-Rex, Mohsen had a new sandwich box because Wogan did a wee in the last one and Charlie ended up swimming in the wee. Now if THAT doesn’t encourage you to go back and read the book then NOTHING will.
2 Charlie was correct. He was a crocodile. But not just any crocodile. He was a saltwater crocodile. He was six metres long – longer than a car and half the weight of one. He was the largest reptile on the planet, with a powerful jaw lined with ten-centimetre-long teeth, and a lethal tail and claws. Crocodiles haven’t evolved in ten million years because they are the perfect killing machine. And that perfect killing machine was heading Dylan’s way.
Chapter 4
1 How the journalists had got to the school so quickly, no one would ever know. Although if you were to check Mr Wind’s mobile phone records, you would see the last numbers dialled were the Telegraph, The Times, the Mail, the Sun and the Mirror. Just a coincidence, I’m sure.
2 The journalists’ necks, not the chickens’.
3 Duck-billed platypuses are one of the weirdest creatures on the planet. They have the bill of a duck, the tail of a beaver and the feet of an otter. The first scientists to see a preserved platypus thought it was a fake, made of lots of different animals sewn together! They are also one of the very few mammals that lay eggs. Now, if you are ever tempted to go up to a platypus and say ‘Hey, ugly-butt, you’re one of the weirdest creatures on the planet and you look like lots of different animals sewn together’, I wouldn’t – they have a poisonous spur on the foot which can give one of the most painful stings in the world. It’s agonizing, the pain can last for months and there’s nothing doctors can do about it!
4 Oooh, chicken-watchers, Charlie nearly changed into a chicken there! But not all the way, so it didn’t count.
5 The obvious joke here would be that Charlie was an octopussy. But Octopussy was the title for a terrible James Bond film, so I can’t. Thanks a lot, terrible James Bond film.
6 And considering cats always look disdainful and disgusted, that’s saying something.
Chapter 5
1 Well, it was Flora, of course.
2 Flora was right – the animal Charlie had turned into is known as a finger monkey (because it’s a monkey that’s about the size of a finger) but its real name is the pygmy marmoset. And you should look up pictures of them RIGHT NOW because they are SO SO SWEET AND GORGEOUS AND I WANT ONNNNE!!!
I’m sorry. I lost myself for a moment there. Won’t happen again.
3 Come on, Flora. Pull yourself together. Stop being so silly and sappy. It’s only A REAL-LIFE GORGEOUS SWEET TINY MONKEY THAT ACTUALLY IS SO SMALL IT CAN CLING ON TO YOUR FINGER – AAAHHH, SO CUUUUUTE!
Once again, I’m sorry. That really won’t happen again.
4 Most arguments seem ridiculous after enough time has passed. Next time you’re having an argument, try and think if it would look ridiculous after, say, a year? Definitely. A month? Almost certainly. A day? Probably. You see, most arguments are ridiculous but they are easy to get caught up in at the time.
Chapter 7
1 Yes! All those doubters said it would never happen! FINALLY. I mean it’s taken nearly three whole books but he did it, chicken-fans. He did it. CHARLIE CHANGED INTO A CHICKEN!
2 You might have realized by now that penguins, although undeniably cute-looking, are in fact cruel, vicious creatures. They are widely regarded as the second-worst animals in the whole world. And who are the worst? Puffins. Puffins are also cute-looking, but are angry, untrustworthy and smell like rotten fish. So if you ever have the misfortune to come into contact with a penguin or a puffin, run the other way. They are the worst of the worst.
Chapter 8
1 During which Charlie couldn’t help but agree – silently, of course – that Flora did indeed look like she was straining to do a poo.
2 Mr O’Dear, the school caretaker, won Britain’s Angriest Man of the Year competition for four years running (1998–2001) until he was disqualified in 2002 for getting so angry he headbutted a judge. Getting disqualified made him even more angry, so he decided to become a school caretaker, as this was the only job where he could be absolutely furious at all times and nobody would question it. Mostly because they were too scared.
Chapter 9
1 Charlie was a nematode worm. Nematodes are one of the most interesting creatures in existence. They are tiny, thread-like creatures, and can lay as many as 200,000 eggs in a single day. Imagine a chicken laying 200,000 eggs in a day. You might never even have heard of nematodes, but here’s something remarkable – they account for eighty per cent of all animals on Earth! That’s right: EIGHTY PER CENT OF ALL ANIMALS ON OUR PLANET ARE NEMATODES.
2 Nematodes don’t actually have eyes, so although they are sensitive to light, they can’t actually see. So how come Charlie has eyes and can see? And also – he doesn’t have ears, so how can he hear? That’s an excellent question, which has two possible answers:
When Charlie changed he managed to keep his eyes and ears or
I am choosing to ignore the biology of nematodes a tiny bit because I need Charlie to be able to see during this next bit of the story and I couldn’t think of a way around it.
You can decide which answer to believe.
3 I’m talking Guinness World Records level of wrongness.
4 He couldn’t because nematode worms can’t scream. Which is why it’s good to sit next to them on roller coasters if you have really sensitive ears.
Chapter 10
1 Otherwise known as the ‘oesophagus’. Or ‘esophagus’ if you are American. Americans often spell things incorrectly differently from British people.
2 In fact, nematode worms are everywhere. Half of all people in the world have them in their stomachs. But not just that, they are found in every part of the planet, from the coldest to the hottest place, from the bottom of the ocean to the sand in the desert. They are in soil and plants and trees and almost all animals. They are EVERYWHERE.
3 A child’s intestine is about six metres long. That’s about the length of two three-metre pieces of intestine! Or six one-metre pieces of intestine.
Chapter 13
1 Their own foreheads, not each other’s. Just to be clear.
2 This was a lie. And a big fat one, as well.
Epilogue
1 An epilogue sounds like something you would produce on the toilet after you hadn’t done a poo in ages and then had a big curry. But it isn’t. An epilogue is a final conclusion to a story. It’s basically just a fancy word for the last chapter.
2 Apart from penguins. And puffins.
3 I think by now you probably realize there is a very slim chance that Wogan did actually know. But that’s the thing with Wogan – sometimes he can surprise you. Let’s trust him this time, shall we?
4 Gah, Wogan! That’s the LAST time we’re going to believe you.