The Darkest Hour

by Roberta Kagan

  “Don’t get all fussed up over her,” Ursula said and after a glance on Sabine’s clueless face added, “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear the fit you threw with our neighbor, Frau Weber. She’s one of the worst gossip-blabbers I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.”

  “Aww…thanks.” Sabine wondered how much of the gossip was true. Not that she meant to stick her nose into others’ affairs, but now the missing husband and the side blow about the decent household made sense.

  “Would you like a cup of tea?” Ursula asked her.

  “Yes, please.” Sabine removed her coat, hanging it on the coat tree before joining Ursula in the kitchen.

  “It’s funny, isn’t it, that you and my mother work in the same factory but have never met each other before?” Ursula asked as she handed Sabine a full cup of tea.

  Sabine gasped and almost spilled the hot liquid across her hand. “It is, isn’t it? Your mother works in a different department, though.”

  Ursula didn’t reply, but flopped with a heavy sigh onto the chair opposite Sabine’s. At least her bulging stomach was now out of sight and Sabine didn’t have to swallow down the painful memories that assailed her every time she saw a pregnant woman.

  “I’ll be glad when I can finally quit my job. The work at the prison is so tiresome,” Ursula said, leaning back to massage her stomach.

  Sabine knew she should stop watching, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the happy woman across from her, smiling as she laid a hand on her bump. It hurt so much. Just being in Ursula’s presence ripped the fragile scars on her soul apart, opening up the old wound. After her second miscarriage two years ago, she hadn’t been able to conceive another baby.

  “I should lie down; I’m feeling unwell,” Sabine lied and fled into the safety of her room, whishing Werner were there to soothe her and hold her close.

  She missed him terribly, and if today were any indication of the success of her spying activities, then she’d never see him again. The unfairness of life tugged at every cell until the tears escaped and she sobbed herself to sleep.

  Chapter 14

  Sabine had barely closed her eyes when the shrill screech of the air raid sirens tore her awake. She sat up straight on the bed, her eyes blind in the complete darkness of the room with the blackout curtains drawn.

  She fumbled for the switch of the nightlight, still not completely familiar in the strange room. When she finally found the switch and bathed the room in dim light, the sirens stopped wailing, and she scrambled from the bed, slipping into a woolen jacket that hung ready across the back of a chair.

  In the sitting room she ran into Ursula, coming sleepily from her room, dressed in a long nightgown and a woolen jacket, just like Sabine. There was no time to get properly dressed, because the gruesome shrilling of the sirens started up again, indicating akute Luftgefahr, immediate danger.

  Ursula and Sabine slipped into their shoes and grabbed the suitcase beside the door, stocked with extra clothes, food, and water. A night in the shelter could get rather long. One should think that after so many years of being bombed almost on a nightly basis, people would get used to it.

  Wrong.

  Chills of terror still ran down Sabine’s limbs every time the sirens sounded, and the queasy feeling in her stomach wouldn’t let up until she heard the all-clear signal.

  “We need to get to the basement,” Sabine hissed in a shaky voice.

  “No. Shelter. Follow me.” Ursula hurried downstairs, Sabine on her heels. On every landing, more people poured out of their apartments, scurrying like frightened mice to the safety of the shelter.

  Sabine dragged the small suitcase behind and suddenly remembered Frau Klausen. “Where’s your mother?” she yelled at Ursula, who didn’t falter in her steps.

  She shouted back, “Over at my sister’s, I suppose.”

  In any case, there was no time to stop and worry. Sabine shrugged, thinking it ironic that the apartment building where she lodged now, because her own house had been destroyed by the SS, might succumb to real enemy bombs.

  In her district people usually sought shelter in their basements, but here crowds of people fled to the next public shelter, a Hochbunker. The bunker was a huge concrete building, sufficient to host five hundred people. Even the sight of that many people that would share the space with her for the next hours frightened Sabine.

  Ursula led the way to a corner, fitted with three mattresses and blankets, and pointed at one of them, “Take this space. It was Anna’s but since she moved away, it’s yours now.”

  Sabine had never been in such a huge public shelter before and she wished for the small confines of her own basement. People always argued the Hochbunker were safer than the cellars. The house above could burn to the ground and suck all the oxygen out of the basement, effectively suffocating those seeking shelter in there.

  But seeing the multitude of people squeezing inside, before the doors were firmly locked, made her queasy stomach revolt and she barely managed to keep the remains of her dinner down. The two women settled on the mattresses, both of them consumed by their own worries and fears, when Sabine noticed Ursula’s painful moans.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Yes…ouch…I…guess…”

  Sabine peered in the semi-darkness at Ursula’s damp face and then her eyes lowered to the other woman’s bump, where visible contractions pulled at her belly. Oh, God. No. She’s…how far along?

  “You need to relax and breathe,” Sabine said, helping Ursula to sit on the mattress and lean against the wall.

  “Relax?” Ursula murmured, the effort of trying to do just that showing on her creased forehead. “You’d think I’d be used to the air raids by now, since they happen so often.”

  Sabine gave a short laugh. “I don’t think anyone ever gets used to being awakened by the earth exploding around them.”

  A small smile appeared on Ursula’s face, until the next contraction wiped it away. “I’m frightened,” she whispered. “I’m only in my seventh month.”

  “Nothing will happen,” Sabine said, hoping she spoke the truth. Premature babies happened all the time, but everyone knew that those babies in fact weren’t always delivered early. Probably the best thing to do was to distract Ursula from her fears, by talking to her.

  “I’m grateful that you’ve received me so kindly in your home. It must be difficult to share it with a stranger.” Sabine retrieved a bottle of water from the suitcase, poured some into the lid that could be used as cup and handed it to Ursula.

  “Thank you.” Ursula closed her eyes, drinking the water, her face showing a pensive expression. “Our apartment used to be full with my parents and the four of us, and I longed for the day when I could move out. But now that it’s only Mutter and myself, it feels lonely.”

  “Tell me about your siblings,” Sabine encouraged her.

  “Well, my sister Anna used to live there until several weeks ago, when she was offered employee housing at the Charité clinic. She works there as a nurse. My mother didn’t like the idea, but Anna convinced her that it was safer…with the blackouts and the air raids…” Ursula smiled, and the contractions seemed to ease up. “Then there’s my brother Richard. He’s eighteen and we haven’t seen him in almost two years, since the day he was drafted. Currently he’s fighting somewhere in Poland. And Lotte, the youngest. She’s…dead. Contracted typhus.” Ursula scrunched up her nose but didn’t look very sad at the loss of her sister. “What about you?”

  Sabine stowed the water bottle between the two mattresses. So far, Ursula’s family was completely unremarkable. Nothing remotely noteworthy. “Me? I’m an only child. My parents moved to Freiburg a couple of years ago, because of my father’s job. So I don’t get to see them very often.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t imagine not seeing my family at least once a week. As much as I loathe them sometimes, I also need to have them around. Especially, Anna. She’s my confidante, my best friend, and my moral compass to keep me straig
ht.”

  “That’s what my husband is…was,” Sabine said, unable to hold back the feeling of nostalgia that swept across her at the thought of Werner. She literally ached from missing him. His warmth. His laugh. His touch.

  “I’m sorry,” Ursula said, grabbing her hand. “It must be so hard for you. What was he like?”

  “Werner?” Sabine mentioned his name and felt the wound in her soul open a bit more. What am I supposed to say?

  She took her time answering and then softly revealed as much of the truth as she could. “Werner was a wonderful man and my best friend. I still can’t believe he’s gone, and there’s a little part of me that still hopes he will survive all of this.”

  “I thought he died in the bombing?” Ursula asked, shocking Sabine to the core.

  “He did. It’s just, his body still hasn’t been found. One moment he was alive and the next…” Sabine sobbed, not sure what flustered her more, the fact that he’d been kidnapped by the Gestapo or that every word she spoke to Ursula was a lie. To redeem her conscience with some bits of truth, she gave Ursula a weak smile. “I have many good memories with him, and I’m grateful for every single day I spent with him.”

  Sabine couldn’t help but voice the question that had been burning on her tongue for the past few days. “What about the father of your baby? Where is he?"

  Ursula stiffened and pulled her hand away. “He died in action at the front.”

  Stunned at the cold and unemotional manner in which Ursula delivered this information, Sabine got the message loud and clear. She didn’t welcome the topic of the baby’s father.

  Sabine closed her eyes and imagined Werner there with her, holding her in his arms and keeping her safe. All the while the tension around her mounted with the reverberating echo of the shells coming closer to their location.

  Chapter 15

  Several minutes later, Ursula spoke again. “So many people disappear these days. Without a trace. I worry about them. Mother says it’s the pregnancy making me overly emotional, but…I can’t help but wonder what happens to those people who can’t get to a shelter on nights like these.”

  Sabine gave Ursula a quizzical look and asked, “Do you know people who are stuck outside and can’t get to a shelter?”

  Ursula looked at her steadily for a moment and then nodded slowly. “Yes.”

  “Who are they? People who live in your apartment building?” A wave of horror washed over Sabine as she imagined an elderly lady unable to hurry down the stairs.

  “Just people.” Ursula said nothing for a long time, and then another impact came, and the two women huddled together as dirt trickled down. When the dust settled, Ursula sighed and shook her head. “I hope everyone is alright.”

  “Who are you talking about? Is there anyone of your family out there?” Sabine was getting worried about Ursula’s evasive statements.

  Ursula lowered her voice to a whisper that was barely audible and confided in her, “Sometimes, I hide people.”

  “Hide?” Sabine gasped. So it was true – Frau Klausen and her daughter were devious traitors to the Reich.

  Ursula glanced around, her eyes flickering with fear. “I shouldn’t have told you since it’s really nothing. Some people don’t have a place to live.”

  Sabine wondered what kind of people didn’t have a place to live and why they wouldn’t simply go to the authorities and ask for a housing assignment. Except if…they weren’t law-abiding citizens. Images of cold-blooded axe-swinging murderers swamped her mind, fueled by the knowledge that Ursula worked as a prison guard. Rapists, thieves, and blackmailers of the worst kind. Big, strong men who could break her neck with a single move of their arm. Goosebumps covered her skin and she willed the images away.

  “A…aren’t you afraid?” Sabine asked.

  “Every single day,” Ursula admitted, crouching back onto the mattress and taking another sip of water.

  “But…why do you help these people if you’re so afraid of them? Shouldn’t they be arrested and go to prison instead?”

  Ursula’s eyes went wide and once again she glanced around, as if any moment someone could appear out of the shadows and swing his axe. There it was again, that horrific image. “I’m not afraid of them, but...” A shudder racked Ursula’s thin shoulders and she turned her head away, indicating the conversation was over.

  Sabine nodded her understanding even though she didn’t understand a thing. Why would someone like Ursula, a beautiful woman, pregnant with her first child, risk her life for…for…outlaws? Enemies of the Reich?

  Maybe Kriminalkommissar Becker was right and the Klausens really were devious, deplorable people masquerading as rightful citizens. Who could they be hiding from the authorities? Escaped prisoners? People evading justice? Criminals?

  Her stomach grew queasy until hot and cold flashes rushed down her skin as she was reminded of one of Werner’s anecdotes. Women and children herded outside by SS troopers. Shot. Without trial or defense.

  Guilt swamped Sabine. Maybe Ursula was hiding innocent people? People that would otherwise be shot on the spot just for the simple crime of their existence? Now she wished Ursula hadn’t confided in her.

  Sabine sighed. She hadn’t adopted the policy not to get involved because she was unscrupulous; on the contrary. What I don’t know won’t hurt me – or anyone else. Apparently, this motto held true no longer, not since the Gestapo had burst into her and Werner’s lives.

  The lines of right and wrong had blurred and while the bombs still dropped on Berlin, she wrestled with her next steps. Could she really take it onto her conscience to feed a pregnant woman to the pack of wolves?

  Chapter 16

  Sabine entered the exclusive bakery and glanced around, finding Lily sitting at a small table near one of the windows. Or more to the point, what was left of the windows. As in most buildings, the glass had been shattered and replaced with fabric, cardboard or wood.

  She made her way through the other patrons and took a seat, trying to find a smile for the woman who had turned her world upside down.

  “There you are,” Lily said with a definite attitude. “I was afraid you’d stand me up.”

  “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t realize how long it would take me to get here from across town.” Sabine eyed the Franzbrötchen, a sweet bun, on Lily’s plate, next to a cup of brown liquid. Ersatzkaffee was a detestable liquid and Sabine had long given up coffee in favor of herbal tea. But the scent that now wafted toward her nostrils was…unmistakably…real delicious coffee. Her mouth watered and she involuntarily inhaled deeply.

  Lily saw the wistful expression on Sabine’s face and snapped her fingers. Moments later the waitress appeared beside her table. “What can I bring you?”

  “Another coffee, with sugar, please.”

  Sugar? Even bakeries were constantly short of sugar and had resorted to adapting their recipes to include less of the prized white substance. Usually to the detriment of flavor.

  Sabine settled onto the chair across from Lily, her hand shooting up to control her hairdo. If nothing else remained stable in her world, she could at least hold on to looking the part.

  “Do you have information for me?” Lily asked, taking a sip from her coffee.

  “I’m afraid not much…Frau Klausen is very tight-lipped,” Sabine said, omitting the confession Ursula had made in the bunker.

  Lily shook her head, putting a cigarette into the long holder. “You still don’t get it, do you?”

  “Get what?”

  “This…what we’re doing…it is a big deal.”

  “A big deal?” Sabine asked confused.

  “Yes, we’re helping the Führer to rid the Reich of our enemies. Subversives, traitors, undesirables. We’re of invaluable service to our country. You should be proud they’ve chosen you for this work.”

  Sabine didn’t feel proud at all. Aghast would be a better word to describe her emotions. Ever since the day she’d agreed to Kriminalkommissar Becker’s requests, s
he’d been loathing herself. Herself, her task, and her willingness to doom other people to save her husband’s skin.

  Raised as a Roman Catholic, Christian notions of altruism had quickly fled her life when the war – and with it, the struggle for survival – had started. Killing others and believing in Jesus didn’t go hand in hand – at least in Sabine’s world.

  But looking the other way was one thing, betraying people to the Gestapo entirely different. A wave of nausea hit her and she asked, “Don’t you ever feel bad for the people you turn in?”

  Lily rolled her eyes. “Of course not. They’re traitors.”

  “Not all of them. What about the innocents who get caught up in your little game? Like my husband? He didn’t do anything wrong and was still arrested.”

  “Werner is an unfortunate accidental victim,” Lily leaned forward and whispered, “I’m sorry about him, because he’s a nice man. But – it’s all your fault. Nothing would have happened to him if you had been cooperative.”

  Sabine quickly took a sip from her coffee to keep herself from saying something stupid. A burning sensation struck her tongue and she winced. She set down the cup in as ladylike a fashion as she could and bestowed a smile on Lily – the very woman she’d started to hate with every fiber of her soul. Shudders rolled down her back as she remembered what had happened the last time she’d given Lily a piece of her mind. Although – what else could the Gestapo take from her? Since they’d already taken her husband and her home, there wasn’t much left.

  They can take your life.

  Lily was even more shallow and self-centered than she looked with her immaculate make-up, the flower in her hair and the elegant cigarette holder between her manicured fingers. The only goal Sabine had in mind at this point was ending this meeting as soon as possible, while doing everything to keep her husband alive.