She considered the consequences. She wasn’t abandoning herself so abruptly that she wasn’t going to consider consequences. She thought, and decided the risks weren’t especially great. The worst that would happen was someone caught them, and that would probably only be awkward, not utterly terrible. The very worst outcome was criminal charges, but Natalie knew of several lawyers with drug possession convictions, and it wasn’t the end of their careers. It wasn’t grounds for disbarment. But that was assuming the worst, which wasn’t going to happen. More likely what would happen was nothing. More likely, Natalie would talk to Evie, and then they would go their separate ways, and at the worst, Natalie would be distracted at the conference drinks later. Distracted, and happy, and a little woozy. It was a conference, though, and she didn’t especially need to think, and she’d hardly worse off than people who’d been drinking since lunchtime.
She thought about Meredith, and about being distracted, and decided the pot might actually help. In a way, she could avoid Meredith while standing right in front of her, as long as she was happily distracted enough. The pot might help distracted her, and Evie might as well.
Natalie decided she would.
She took the joint from Evie’s hand before she could think too much more. She lifted it to her mouth, and breathed in, and held her breath. She barely remembered what to do, but it came back to her as she did. She held the smoke in. It didn’t sting as much as she expected. Not as much as a cigarette would. She breathed in for as long as she could, then gave the joint back to Evie. She kept holding her breath. She tried not to cough, but then suddenly had to.
She coughed, and gasped for air, and coughed again.
Evie was watching, still grinning.
“I’m not used to it,” Natalie said, after a moment.
“I imagine.”
Natalie grinned, then coughed again, and Evie had another puff of pot. The wind was cold, coming through skeletal trees at the back of the courtyard. It felt damp, like rain was coming. A grey afternoon turning into a stormy night.
Evie seemed happy to stand there, keeping each other company, so Natalie stood beside her while she smoked.
*
Natalie stood beside Evie, watching the overcast sky, trying to decide if she was feeling anything from the pot. She didn’t think she was. She felt mostly the same as she had a few moments earlier. She hadn’t had very much, she supposed.
She looked at the sky, and then the hotel’s back fence, across the far side of courtyard. She wanted to look at Evie, but was forcing herself not to, and staring at the fence instead. The fence was high, made of unpainted planks, and with a trellis along the top. There were dead vines in the trellis that no-one had cleared away, and a strand of barbed wire too, half-hidden behind the dead leaves, as if it was trying to be discreet.
Natalie wanted to keep staring at the fence, but didn’t manage to for very long. She couldn’t help herself.
She glanced sideways at Evie.
She glanced, and as she did, Evie glanced back, and caught Natalie looking.
Evie grinned.
Embarrassed, Natalie looked away.
Natalie wasn’t sure what had just happened. She wasn’t sure if Evie had been waiting for that glance. It almost seemed like she had. Natalie was a little confused. She didn’t know why Evie would be expecting it. She understood why Evie might expect to be looked at, and be aware of people’s eyes. She was a waitress, and was probably leered at all the time. Natalie just didn’t know why Evie would expect a glance from Natalie, and try to catch Natalie doing it. Not unless Evie had noticed something about Natalie which Natalie didn’t think she gave away. But perhaps Evie had, Natalie thought. Perhaps Natalie wasn’t as discreet as she thought. Natalie hadn’t done this in a while. She hadn’t tried to talk to someone she found attractive in years. Perhaps she was giving herself away more than she realized, by looking, or glancing, or even just talking in the first place. Perhaps Evie was noticing more than Natalie thought she was.
If she was, Natalie wondered what that meant.
If Evie was noticing, if Evie had expected Natalie’s glance, then that ought to mean something important. It seemed that Evie wouldn’t be noticing Natalie glance unless she also understood what it meant. And if she understood that, Natalie thought, then they shared something in common, and so suddenly Natalie could hope. She could hope a little, at least. She could hope enough that it might not be a completely waste of time her standing there.
Natalie began to hope.
She hoped for a moment, until she remembered how much older she was than Evie.
She was about to make a fool of herself, Natalie thought, but she still desperately wanted to try. She wanted to talk, to flirt with Evie, to make a pass at her. She wanted to, but she had no idea how, or what to say.
Confused, suddenly helpless, Natalie made herself stare straight ahead again. She didn’t know what to talk about. She didn’t have a clue. It had been too long since she’d tried to talk to someone for anything other than work, and now she felt helpless.
Evie was smoking quietly, and didn’t seem to have noticed Natalie’s dismay. She was smoking, and perhaps thinking, because she said, quite suddenly, “Are you here for the conference?”
Relieved, Natalie nodded. “Yes, I am.”
“You’re a lawyer?”
“Yes.”
“I should talk to you,” Evie said. “Ask you things.”
“Well, you are.” Natalie said, trying to tease. “Right now.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, sounding slightly puzzled. “I know.”
Teasing didn’t work, Natalie thought. “What should you talk to me about?” she said.
“Being a lawyer.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, curious. “Why’s that?”
“I’m doing law. I think I got rostered on today in case I met someone useful.”
“And have you?”
“Nope. No-one notices the person with the drinks.”
I’d notice you, Natalie wanted to say, I did notice you, I am. She couldn’t just say that out loud. “I suppose not,” she said instead.
“Not unless I’ve run out of the right colour wine,” Evie said. “Then they notice.”
Natalie smiled.
“So anyway,” Evie said. “That was a huge waste of time, but my boss tried. So that’s nice.”
“It’s a shame,” Natalie said. “It was a good idea.”
Evie nodded.
“You met me,” Natalie said. “If that helps.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, and then was silent again.
“Are you a student?” Natalie said, wanting to be sure. In case somehow Evie had meant she was a lawyer, but had said it in a very odd way.
“Yep,” Evie said.
“How far through?” Natalie said. “I mean, when do you finish?”
“This year. At the end of the year.”
Natalie nodded. It was four months away, perhaps less. Evie would be feeling the pressure already. The final-year students had job interviews at the same time as their last exams, in effect having to find jobs and get their degrees simultaneously. Winter was probably one of the last quiet times Evie would have until the end of the year. Natalie wondered how much pressure Evie was feeling. The pot probably helped with the pressure, although perhaps not with the studying.
“Have you started talking to recruiters?” Natalie said.
“Yep,” Evie said, and grimaced.
“I’m sorry,” Natalie said. “For that. It isn’t fun.”
“No.”
“I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
Evie nodded, but seemed distracted, thinking. She glanced upwards, at the hotel building and the conference rooms upstairs. “It’s funny,” she said, then stopped.
Natalie waited.
“I get the weird feeling,” Evie said. “That sometime in the next few months I’ll be sitting in an interview with someone I handed a drink to today.”
“Probably,” Nat
alie said. “It happens.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, and then, “Um.” She looked down at the joint in her hand.
Natalie wanted to laugh, but kept her face expressionless.
“So if it’s you,” Evie said. “Pretend you don’t remember me, okay?”
“I’m never on selection committees.”
“But if you are.”
“I never am,” Natalie said. “But if happen to see you, I’ll forget everything today, all right?”
Evie nodded, and then went quiet again.
Natalie wanted to talk, but couldn’t think of a thing to say. She was a little annoyed at herself. She spent her life making small-talk, and now she was suddenly lost for words. Because of Evie. Because for whatever reason, this conversation mattered enough that Natalie couldn’t keep it going.
She wasn’t doing very well with her new approach to life.
Evie held out the joint again, and Natalie shook her head.
“Just take it,” Evie said. “You will in the end.”
“I will?”
“Yep. To be polite.”
Natalie looked at Evie, thinking, wondering how much Evie had worked out. She supposed it must be obvious why she was there, talking, twenty years older and accepting pot. Evie didn’t seem to mind, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t obvious.
Natalie wasn’t sure if she should be embarrassed.
“Come on,” Evie said. “Just have some. It’s rude not to.”
Natalie gave up, and took another puff. She breathed in, and held her breath, and handed the joint back. As she did, their fingers brushed together for a moment. Natalie noticed, but Evie didn’t seem to. Natalie decided not to make too much of such a slight contact.
Evie took the joint, and breathed in again, and then looked at the end between her fingers. “Want any more?”
Natalie shook her head.
Evie had another puff, and then threw the end into a planter with a shrub. It probably wasn’t completely what the hotel would have preferred, Natalie thought, but she didn’t say anything.
Evie had a packet of cigarettes and a plastic lighter in her hand. She took out a cigarette, and lit it. To hide the smell of the pot, Natalie suddenly realized.
Evie smoked, and Natalie watched. Natalie didn’t think she’d stood this close to someone who was smoking in years. People Natalie knew, people she worked with, they just didn’t smoke any more, and it was banned in bars and restaurants as well. Natalie almost missed the smell, sometimes. The almost-fragrant scent of burning in the air, almost pleasant, and so very different to the bitter taste in her mouth. She breathed in, remembering, inhaling the smoke.
“Sorry,” Evie said, and waved her hand, trying to keep the smoke away.
“It’s fine,” Natalie said. “I kind of like it.”
Evie looked at her, thinking.
“Really,” Natalie said. “I miss the smell. Not many people smoke any more.”
“I suppose they don’t.”
“You do, though.”
“Yep,” Evie said, and sounded slightly wary, as if people pointed this out to her often, and she was sick of hearing why. After a moment she said, “I’m self-destructive I guess. Or weak-willed. Something.”
“Which?”
Evie just grinned, and shrugged, and didn’t answer. She smoked, and hugged herself with her spare arm. She was shivering a little from the wind. She had been out here longer than Natalie, Natalie thought, and her shirt looked thinner as well.
After a minute Natalie took off her jacket, and held it out to Evie.
Evie looked at her.
“Take it,” Natalie said.
“It’s okay. You’ll be cold.”
“I’m all right. Take it.”
“I’ll make it smell of smoke.”
“I don’t care. It’ll clean.”
Evie nodded, and took the jacket, and pulled it on. “Thank you,” she said.
The jacket fit her, Natalie noticed. They were both about the same size, and Natalie was strangely pleased.
“It’s fine,” Natalie said. “Don’t worry.”
They stood side by side, while Evie smoked, and Natalie watched her, thinking.
*
Natalie stood in the courtyard, breathing in cigarette smoke, and wondering what she was doing. Wondering if she was about to make a terrible fool of herself. Nothing had happened yet, certainly nothing unforgivable, but she wasn’t sure where this might end, or how silly she might be seeming.
She had been telling herself for months that she ought try harder to meet someone. She wanted to meet someone. She certainly planned for it to happen. She dressed well every day, and watched what she ate, and did her best to make time to exercise. She made an effort, and that effort was wasted if she never actually spoke to anybody. Which she hardly ever did.
She decided she’d had enough. She was tired of being herself. She was sick of thinking about Meredith, and hiding in corners, and worrying about how she ought to feel.
She wanted this, right now. She wanted to talk to Evie.
More importantly, she wanted Evie to keep talking to her. She needed to think of something interesting to say, and was having trouble doing that. She felt old. She felt out of touch. All she and Evie had in common was the law, so she needed to ask about that. What Evie was studying, or where she might want her career to go.
“Could I ask an odd question?” Natalie said.
“Sure.”
“Why are you studying law?” Natalie said.
Evie looked at her.
“Is it to be rich?” Natalie said. “Or to save the world?”
Evie thought for a moment. “Does it have to be one or the other?”
“It usually is.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Humour me,” Natalie said. “Pretend it’s one or the other. I’m curious which it would be.”
Evie thought a little more. “I think rich,” she said in the end. “If I have to choose, then rich.”
“Even if it’s terribly dull?”
Evie smiled. “Even then.”
“So something commercial?”
“I suppose. Tax or bankruptcies, something like that. Something safe, that people always need. Not criminal, though. Definitely not that. I decided that ages ago. It’s too creepy. Being around murderers or whatever all day, always wondering if someone was going to turn on me. Not that.”
Natalie nodded. She felt the same way about her speciality, and always had. Friends had gone off to do environmental and human rights law, and some had done well, but that had never been right for Natalie. She needed to be secure, to feel financially comfortable. Mostly, she’d done tax law because she was good at it, but it had probably helped that it was secure, and always in demand, and a faster track to partnership than some other areas of practice. She might not be happy with her private life, but was very glad to be who she was professionally. She was glad to be a partner in a large firm, and glad she’d decided on the career she had.
“Safe is worth it,” Natalie said. “No-one ever says so, but safe is worth thinking a lot about too.”
Evie nodded, and seemed to be thinking. “So what do you do?”
“Tax,” Natalie said. “Corporate tax.”
“Which is safe,” Evie said, grinning.
“Very.”
“So maybe I should call you in a few months.”
Natalie was a little surprised. It was direct, she thought. Fairly mercenary. She wondered if Evie meant it completely how it sounded. “I’m not on selection committees,” she said. “Remember?”
“Oh yeah,” Evie said, apparently unconcerned. “Then never mind.”
Natalie decided she’d misunderstood, that Evie was simply making conversation. She felt bad she had been suspicious. Bad enough she suddenly wanted to help.
“So listen,” Natalie said. “This is just an idea, but if it’s ever useful to talk, perhaps about different firms…”
Evie seemed surpr
ised, which made Natalie feel better. Evie thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “Actually, that might be good, if you didn’t mind.”
“I don’t mind at all,” Natalie said, and opened her bag. She took out her business card holder, and then a card, and handed it to Evie.
Evie looked for a moment. At the firm’s name, Natalie realized. “Yep,” Evie said. “So I’ve applied there.”
There was short silence. Natalie wasn’t sure what Evie was thinking.
“Shit,” Evie said. “This is kind of…”
“Useful?”
“The opposite. Now you don’t know if I’m only talking to you to try and get a job.”
Natalie stood there for a moment, startled, unsure what to think, especially when she had just been suspicious of that herself. She thought about suspicions, and she also thought about the implication there were other reasons they might talk. Natalie wanted to ask about those other reasons. She wanted to, but didn’t. She was starting to feel the difficulty of carrying the conversation. She was starting to feel old again, and unable to make this work. She was interested in Evie, but wasn’t completely sure she wanted to be chasing after Evie as hard as she probably needed to.
“Are you?” Natalie said after a moment, deciding it was better just to ask.
Evie shook her head.
“Then don’t worry,” Natalie said.
Evie seemed relieved. She looked at Natalie’s card again, and said, “Partner?”
Natalie nodded.
“Oh,” Evie said, and that was all.
Natalie wondered what that meant. She wondered if Evie was impressed.
Evie had gone quiet. She looked at the card a little longer, as if thinking, and then up at Natalie, as if not quite sure what to say.
That was the moment, Natalie decided. That was when Evie realized Natalie could be useful. It had taken Evie a while to work it out, but now she had. Evie was smart and ambitious, enough she had understood eventually, but not so unfeeling that she thought of it right away. It was the right balance, Natalie thought. It made Evie a good person. She liked Evie more for seeing her that way.
“Call me if I can do anything,” Natalie said gently, wanting Evie to know she could.
Evie's Job Page 2
