Evie's Job

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by Tess Mackenzie

Natalie had never thought she’d have to worry about exams again, and especially not have to stay calm around someone else’s exam stress, but she was glad she was. Evie’s exam stress was part of Evie’s life, and of Evie being there, and Natalie was unspeakably glad of that.

  “I’m really sorry,” Evie said, after a moment. “I honestly didn’t mean to start anything, I promise. And I didn’t mean it to end up where it did, and I completely want to just wait and see what happens with us, with no pressure, if that’s what you want to do too?”

  She spoke fast, saying it all at once, as if it was something she’d prepared. Natalie wondered if she had.

  “Yes, of course,” Natalie said.

  “Really?”

  Natalie kissed her. “Of course.”

  Evie smiled, and hugged her, and that seemed to be that.

  “Sit down,” Evie said. “It’s ready.”

  Evie started to serve, and Natalie went and got wine, and left the bottle on the table, with a glass for Evie, but didn’t pour because Evie usually didn’t when she was going to be studying later. They ate, and talked about nothing, and it was all perfectly, utterly domestic, and exactly what Natalie needed to make her feel safe after that morning.

  *

  They sat, eating dinner, and everything was as it ought to be. Everything, except that Natalie couldn’t stop thinking. Her mind was wandering more than it should.

  She liked how Evie was. She liked the way Evie just said things that mattered to her, without any warning, the way she had done that morning. She liked it, but sometimes it was unsettling, and made her want to check everything was fine between them.

  Like she did now.

  “Could I say something,” Natalie said. “About this morning?”

  Evie nodded. “Yep, of course.”

  “This isn’t my mid-life crisis,” Natalie said. “You aren’t, I mean. I’m almost certain of that.”

  “Okay,” Evie said. “Well, good…”

  “I just wanted you to know, in case you were worried.”

  “I wasn’t, until now.”

  Natalie wasn’t sure if Evie was serious. “Really?”

  “I mean, if I’d thought of it…” Evie said.

  “But you hadn’t?”

  “Nope. Not until now.”

  Natalie thought. “Until right now?”

  “Yep.”

  Natalie understood what Evie meant. “Oh shit,” she said. “Sorry…”

  Evie shrugged.

  “I’m sorry,” Natalie said. “It’s just, I would have thought of it by now, if I was you.”

  “I imagine you would have,” Evie said, sounding slightly odd. Odd enough that Natalie started to wonder if she was actually teasing.

  “I just wanted you not to worry,” Natalie said.

  “Well, I’m not. And that’s sweet.”

  “And I promise it isn’t a mid-life crisis.”

  “Good,” Evie said. She started grinning. She had been teasing.

  “You’re awful,” Natalie said, a little upset.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Natalie glared at her.

  “Sorry,” Evie said. “Tell me what you were saying. Please.”

  “Nothing much. Just that it isn’t a mid-life crisis, or anything like that. The way I feel about you is the way I’d feel about anyone else that I like as much as I like you, and your age has nothing to do with how I feel about you. That’s all.’

  “I’m glad,” Evie said, then, “You like me?”

  “Yes I like you.”

  Evie smiled a little more. “Good to that as well.”

  “You’re really not worried?” Natalie said. “About the mid-life crisis thing?”

  Evie shrugged. “A very little, maybe. But not about that, exactly. Perhaps about some other things, but they aren’t quite the same.”

  “Oh,” Natalie said. “Like what?”

  “Are you sure you want to know?”

  “Of course I’m sure.”

  “This might not end well. Just once we start talking about this…”

  “It can’t end worse than it did this morning. And this time we’ve got hours to sort it out.”

  Evie grinned, even though Natalie hadn’t entirely been joking. “Okay,” Evie said. “Fine. So let’s just go ahead and talk about the thing we’ve never properly talked about before.”

  Natalie didn’t understand. “Which is…?”

  “Um, the age thing. Had you forgotten or something?”

  Natalie shrugged.

  “You had?” Evie said. “Really? Is it because you’re getting old and forgetful?”

  Natalie glared at her.

  “Sorry,” Evie said. She waited a moment, and ate a mouthful of rice then said, “So are you getting forgetful?”

  “Stop it. Just tell me what you were going to say.”

  “Hold on,” Evie said. “In a second. I’m curious about this now. Do you feel older than me or something? I mean, just in the day to day, from being around me?”

  Natalie shrugged. “Not exactly. Not usually. I do right now, but not usually, no. To be honest, I don’t think about it that much.”

  Evie looked at her for a moment, chewing. “And now tell me the truth.”

  “That’s the truth,” Natalie said.

  “All the truth?”

  Natalie sighed. Some part of her didn’t want to discuss this with Evie. “I feel as if we’re the same age when I’m around you,” she said. “If that’s what you mean.”

  “Oh,” Evie said, looking surprised.

  “And I suppose that might be part of why I like being around you,” Natalie said. “Which probably doesn’t make any sense.”

  “No,” Evie said, thinking. “Actually it does. Me too, sort of. Except for feeling older rather than younger, but I understand.”

  “Feeling older in a good way?” Natalie said.

  “Um, yep. Of course.”

  Natalie nodded. She hadn’t quite thought of that before, but she supposed it made sense. She’d wanted to feel older too, once. She didn’t quite remember when that had stopped.

  “Okay,” Evie said. “Thank you for telling me. Do you want to know what I was on about before?”

  “Oh,” Natalie said, remembering. “Yes, I do.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “You always ask me that before you tell me something serious.”

  “Yep, I know. And are you?”

  Natalie nodded.

  “Okay,” Evie said. “So here’s what I worry about, since you want to know so much about everything. I worry that because I’m younger, you might not take my feelings seriously. You might have some idea in the back of your mind that I’m resilient, or I’ll get over things. And because of that, if this gets too hard, you might throw me away. When it stops being fun.”

  “God, Evie, of course I won’t.”

  “Which of course you’d say, right up until it starts getting difficult…”

  “Evie…”

  Evie looked at her, surprised. “I’m only talking about what worries me. I’m not saying I think you will.”

  “Oh,” Natalie said. “Yes, of course. Sorry, go on.”

  “So if this is only fun,” Evie said. “Then I’ll be fine and I’ll get over you if it goes wrong. If it is stays how it is now. But if we keep going, and get more entangled, then maybe not so much. Maybe sometime soon I’ll start caring enough to get really hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt.”

  “Of course not,” Natalie said. “That’s perfectly reasonable.”

  “Well, I thought so,” Evie said, grinning.

  Natalie smiled back, deliberately, trying to be reassuring.

  “Also,” Evie said. “I suppose I don’t want to misunderstand what’s happening, either. That worries me a bit too, that I might. Or to be tricked, somehow. I worry about that.”

  “I’m not trying to trick you.”

  “Yep, I know. Because this is worries, not real.”

 
; Natalie nodded.

  “But that’s all,” Evie said. “I just don’t want to not matter, that’s all.”

  “Evie, you do matter.”

  “Yeah, I know, for god’s sake. Because again, worrying. Not real.”

  “Of course,” Natalie said.

  “You get that right?” Evie said, sounding unsure. “This isn’t how I feel, this is what I worry about when I’m having moments of stupid.”

  “Yes,” Natalie said. “I know.”

  “You understand?”

  “I do now,” Natalie said, thinking. She needed to be reassuring. She needed Evie not to worry. “I want this with you,” she said, trying to work out how to explain. “I promise I do. I’m serious about you, and I’m not playing games, and I’m not going to trick you, or lie to you, and you do matter, terribly, terribly much.”

  Evie nodded. “Okay. Good.”

  “I don’t want you to worry, though, so if you are…”

  “I’m not,” Evie said. “Not now.”

  She ate a mouthful of rice, and reached over, and picked up Natalie’s wine glass, and sipped a little.

  “Evie, I…”

  Evie shook her head. “We can stop.”

  Natalie didn’t understand. “You don’t want to talk about this any more?”

  Evie shrugged. “We don’t really need to, do we? We’ve said about all that needs saying.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure. I just wondered, that’s all. About the tricking and the mattering. Now I know, so that’s fine, and we can stop. Unless you want to keep going?”

  Natalie couldn’t decide if Evie meant that. She seemed calmer, so she probably did. Or she knew it was late, and was tired, and was thinking about how much else she needed to do that evening. She might be avoiding a conversation because it was convenient, Natalie thought. Natalie certainly would have, in the middle of her final year exams. It didn’t especially matter either way.

  “No,” Natalie said. “It’s fine. But any time you’d like to talk…”

  “I don’t,” Evie said. “We don’t need to. It’s probably enough just to have said it all once, so we both know, but not to keep going over it again and again so it starts becoming real.”

  Natalie decided Evie was right. And more, that she was wise. Natalie sat there, and looked at Evie for a while. “Are you finished eating?”

  “I can be. Why?”

  “Shall we go to bed?”

  “It’s early.”

  “I know.”

  Evie kept looking, grinning, teasing.

  “Or not,” Natalie said. “If you’re busy.”

  “Of course I want to,” Evie said. “Asshole.” She stood up, and took her plate over to the sink. “Come on.”

  Later, in bed, during sex, Evie said something very quietly. Softly enough that Natalie heard her speak, but couldn’t make out the words. She looked up, and saw Evie watching.

  “What?” Natalie gasped. “I didn’t hear.”

  Evie started grinning.

  “What?” Natalie said.

  “I said you can’t hear me properly, can you?”

  Natalie glared.

  “It’s fine,” Evie said. “You’re getting old. I understand and I’m sympathetic and stuff. I just wanted to make sure.”

  “Don’t be horrible.”

  “What?” Evie said, still grinning. “It’s just so I know. So I can make allowances and stuff…”

  “Stop,” Natalie said. “Please.”

  “I’m sorry,” Evie said, and kissed her, but once she stopped kissing, she was still grinning. Natalie sighed, and then decided to pretend that hadn’t happened. She went back to moving, as she had been, and after a moment Evie did too.

  17: Evie

  Evie studied. It was all she had time to do. She barely moved from Natalie’s kitchen table for days on end. She read a lot. She wrote essays. If she went out, it was usually only to university, for a lecture or for the library. Sometimes when went, she took Natalie’s car. Not often, because it was hard to find a park, and she was worried about scratches and dents, but she did occasionally, and especially if the weather was bad.

  It ought to have been dull, but it actually wasn’t. She liked studying law, and she had Natalie, and those were both enough to make her happy.

  She realized how predictable her life had become, though, when the most interesting that had happened to her in days was that she found out Natalie had a cleaner. Evie hadn’t realized, and was a little surprised when she was woken up by vacuuming. She thought she was hearing road-works outside the building, or a passing airplane, but after a few minutes, when the noise didn’t stop and she had woken up enough to realize how nearby it was, she went to look and found someone she didn’t know cleaning the kitchen. An older woman who seemed as surprised to see Evie as Evie was to see her. They both jumped fairly badly.

  “Fuck,” Evie said, then, “Shit, sorry.”

  The cleaner still seemed shocked. She was holding the vacuum cleaner, which probably meant she couldn’t hear very much.

  “I’m visiting,” Evie said loudly. “Staying here. Natalie knows.”

  The cleaner nodded.

  “Sorry,” Evie said. “I hope you’re not…” She wasn’t sure what she meant. Too badly startled, she supposed. The vacuum was still on, and was too loud to easily talk, so Evie waved goodbye, and went back to bed.

  That evening, she said to Natalie, “You have a cleaner.”

  “I do,” Natalie said.

  “I met her,” Evie said.

  Natalie had just walked in. She was still taking off her jacket. She looked over at Evie, slightly confused.

  “I met her this morning,” Evie said. “Right after I got out of bed. Not expecting too meet anyone.”

  “Oh,” Natalie said. “Sorry?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “I am sorry, I should have warned you.”

  “It didn’t matter. I mean, if I didn’t scare the shit out of her…”

  “I don’t think so. She hasn’t said anything, anyway.”

  Evie nodded. “Good,” she said. “Um…”

  Natalie looked over.

  “I could do it though,” Evie said. “The vacuuming. And other housekeeping.”

  Natalie shook her head.

  “I don’t mind,” Evie said.

  “No,” Natalie said. “Not a chance.”

  “Why not?”

  Natalie glanced towards the kitchen, and the sink full of saucepans from last night which Evie hadn’t yet put in the dishwasher. She glanced, then looked away, very quickly, as if she felt guilty about even looking, and thought by being quick Evie wouldn’t realize what that glance meant.

  “Other than that,” Evie said.

  “And other than how she probably needs her job?” Natalie said.

  Evie stood there for a moment, then said. “Oh, yeah. Never mind.”

  “But other than that too,” Natalie said. “Just no. How you feel about me giving you money, this is the same kind of thing for me. Absolutely not. You aren’t cleaning up after me, ever.”

  Evie thought, and decided that not only did she not want to argue her point too strongly, she also thought it was fair enough, if they were going to be making odd rules for each other.

  She nodded, and went back to reading.

  *

  Evie studied, and did very little else, until, one day, her essays were finally done. She handed the last of them in, and then went back to Natalie’s, and waited for Natalie to come home.

  She felt slightly empty, a little lost for something to do. She tidied up the kitchen table, and put all her books and papers in a pile. She went and sat on the couch, where Natalie usually sat while she worked, and turned on the TV. She almost wanted to go out, to be away from the apartment, and doing something exciting. She almost wanted to, but didn’t. She was exhausted. She couldn’t be bothered. All she really wanted to do was sit in one place and spend her first free evening in we
eks with Natalie. She stayed in the apartment. She opened wine at five, and watched TV until seven when Natalie came home.

  Natalie looked at the tidy table, and Evie on the couch, and the wine. She got a glass and came over and sat down, and poured herself wine too.

  “Yep,” Evie said.

  “Yes what?”

  Evie looked at the table. “Yep, I’m done.”

  “Good.”

  Evie nodded. “I thought so.” She leaned over, and kissed Natalie. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  “I’m done with the essays,” Evie said. “So I should pack up and go home, I suppose.”

  Natalie looked at her for a while. “You don’t have to,” she said.

  “Except I was only here while I wrote the essays. And now I’ve written the essays, so…”

  “You still don’t have to.”

  Evie thought. “You’re sure? Completely utterly sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “You know what you’re saying, right?”

  “I know. I mean, if you want me to be saying that...?”

  “I do,” Evie said. “I think.”

  There was a silence.

  “Look at us, saying it without saying,” Evie said, grinning. “Aren’t we clever?”

  Natalie smiled too.

  “So you’d like me to be around for a while,” Evie said.

  Natalie nodded.

  “To vaguely fail to leave,” Evie said.

  “I would,” Natalie said. She was still smiling.

  “To keep hanging about the place?” Evie said. “Don’t laugh at me.”

  “I’m not. I’m being impressed at how we’re having this conversation without having it.”

  “I’m completely proud of us.”

  “I am too.”

  There was more grinning. Natalie sipped her wine.

  “So,” Evie said. “I should stay for a bit?”

  Natalie nodded.

  “You’re sure?” Evie said. “I mean, you think it’ll work okay?”

  “We can try and see, can’t we?”

  “And I’m not going to be in the way? Or get irritating to have around? I mean, I still have a lot to do, so I’ll just being here studying all the time…”

  “You haven’t been yet.”

  “This is different.”

 

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