“I’m still a little worried,” she whispered eventually, softly, into Natalie’s arm. “I’m still thinking about Meredith.”
“Don’t be,” Natalie whispered back. “It’ll be fine.”
“She won’t check up on me? She won’t find out who I am?”
“No.”
“She won’t ruin my life?”
“I don’t think so,” Natalie said.
“And you’ll want me even if she does?” Evie said, wanting a last little reassurance.
“Of course I will.”
“You promise?”
Natalie smiled. “Definitely.”
Evie nodded, and lay quietly for a moment. She was starting to feel better.
“There is something I’d wondered though,” Natalie said suddenly. “Just while we’re thinking about all this…”
“All what?”
“Who knows and what they know and all the rest of it.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yep. What about it?”
“We’re not really trying to keep this a secret are we? Us, I mean.”
“Well, I’m not. Are you?”
“Not really?”
Evie rolled sideways to look at Natalie. “Not really?”
Natalie shrugged. “I haven’t been specifically saying anything, but I haven’t been hiding you either. I just hadn’t done either, especially, is what I mean. I’ve been avoiding saying your name sometimes, I suppose. Not all the time, but sometimes, and I wasn’t sure if I should...”
Evie nodded. “Same. And not being sure.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d want me telling everyone I know.”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t mind.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “That’s good. I’m glad. Because I’d wondered, that was all. I’d wondered if it was necessary, to be deliberately not mentioning you.”
“For me, you mean?”
“For both of us. But for you if you mind me doing it.”
“I don’t. Mind. Not at all.”
“Are you sure? Because if you’d rather everyone didn’t know, I completely understand…”
“I don’t mind if people know.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. She lay there for a moment. “You’re sure?”
“I really don’t. Why would I?”
Natalie shrugged. “I actually don’t know. I’m asking, that’s all. I’m making sure.”
There was something odd about the way Natalie said that, Evie thought. Something in her tone. “You’re making sure?” Evie said.
“Yes, I am.”
“You’re making sure I’ve thought this through because I usually don’t…”
Natalie looked confused. “How so?”
“Because I don’t think about stuff? Isn’t that what you mean? Because I didn’t about being rude to Meredith…?”
Natalie looked at her for a moment, and seemed to be deliberately not shaking her head or sighing.
“So no?” Evie said, relieved. “Um, okay.”
“Not at all,” Natalie said, “Just no. Not because of that. Because you might not have about this. That if we’re open about being together, it might be bad for you.”
“Why for me?”
“It just might.”
Evie thought, and realized. “Because you’re old?”
Natalie made a face. “Because I’m a partner in my firm, thank you. And it’s a big firm, so you might end up working there.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yes, I see.”
“And because I’m older,” Natalie said.
Evie grinned.
“You understand why, don’t you?” Natalie said.
“Yep,” Evie said. “Because it might look like I slept my way to the top.”
Natalie nodded.
“And because all junior associates are horrible competitive bitches who’ll use that against me?” Evie said.
“I wouldn’t go that far…”
“I would. I’m at uni with them, remember? And I’m one of them too.”
Natalie grinned. “It may be true. Of some people.”
“It’s true,” Evie said. “Especially about me. I’d use it against someone else.”
“I really don’t think you would.”
“Well, not this, exactly, but something like it.”
Natalie looked at her for a moment. “How, exactly, if you’re being open about it. You can’t blackmail someone who’s admitting to all their secrets…”
“Oh yeah,” Evie said, then, “And how do you know so much about blackmail?”
Natalie looked at her and sighed.
*
“Anyway,” Evie said, then stopped. “Um, I forgot what we were actually saying…”
“Telling people about us. And how it might harm your career.”
“Oh, yep,” Evie said, and then stopped again. “I forget… did we decide it will?”
Natalie looked at her for a moment. “We hadn’t decided.”
“Oh, okay. So…”
“I’d asked,” Natalie said, sounding carefully patient. “I was asking, that’s all. I wanted to know whether you minded me telling people about us before I did. And as well, to say that it’s completely up to you whether we do, that we’ll do whatever you like. Did you really forget all this?”
“I got distracted by exciting things like blackmail…”
“Really?” Natalie said.
“Um,” Evie said. “No, not really. I’m teasing.”
“Of course you are.”
Evie grinned.
“So can I ask,” Natalie said. “Should we tell people? Are you bothered by what people might say?”
“I don’t know,” Evie said, thinking. She hadn’t really considered it all before, not in exactly that way. It seemed as if it ought to be some part of how she felt about taking Natalie’s money. It was that, but it was more than that as well. It was her work, her career, everything she’d been working years for, and she understood what Natalie was warning her about. She might not be taken seriously, if a lot of people knew about her and Natalie. She might have to work harder to prove herself, or might be gossiped about, or resented behind her back, or looked down on by people she worked with.
All sorts of terrible things might somehow happen, but she didn’t think she actually cared. What other people thought didn’t matter to her, not as much as it probably should. Not now, not when she had Natalie, and especially not since she’d planned to work harder than anyone else anyway. She wasn’t going to hide Natalie, not on purpose, not now Natalie had actually asked her about this. If people wanted to judge, they would judge, no matter what Evie and Natalie did. It wasn’t worth trying to hide from that, and it definitely wasn’t worth denying Natalie over.
She didn’t care if people knew, Evie suddenly realized, and that was all there was to it.
“Actually,” Evie said. “I do know. I know and I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of you, and you should tell whoever you want.”
“You’re sure?”
Evie shrugged. She felt brave. She felt like winning battles. She felt happy and lazy after sex, and that might be affecting her slightly too. Ideally, she’d rather have no battles, because battles seemed like a lot of bother, but she’d fight them if she must, and win them if she had to. She was sure, she decided. She didn’t want her and Natalie to hide. It was actually that simple now she thought about it a little.
“I’m really sure,” Evie said.
“It might get nasty,” Natalie said.
“Nasty’s fine.”
“It really might. People can be difficult.”
Evie thought. “Difficult like what?”
“I don’t know. People talking, I suppose. That’s all, really, but if it bothers you…”
“Not really,” Evie said. “I don’t care.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Well, good.”
“I honestly don’t,” Evie said, not sure if Natalie believed her. “I mean it. Tell who you like.”
N
atalie nodded. “Well, if you’re sure, I might mention it to a few people.”
“Yep,” Evie said. “Do.”
“Maybe one person,” Natalie said, thinking. “And see how she reacts.”
“Just one person,” Evie said. “Rather than, you know, putting an ad on TV?”
Natalie smiled.
“Or on the new hookups page at lawyering.com?” Evie said.
“There’s no such thing.”
“I know there isn’t,” Evie said. “Because lawyer too, remember?”
Natalie grinned.
“Or rather than making a speech with a megaphone?” Evie said. “Or sending a telegram. Or sending a fax.”
“Are you deliberately picking old-fashioned ways to talk to people?” Natalie said suspiciously.
“Nope,” Evie said, even though she was. “Or sending a letter with a stamp and everything.”
“You are,” Natalie said. “You’re somehow calling me old, even though I can’t quite work out how…”
“Of course I’m not,” Evie said. “Or smoke signals.”
“Idiot,” Natalie said, and started to get out of bed.
Evie grabbed Natalie’s arm and pulled her back down. “Getting a skywriting plane?” she said.
“Oh really.”
“Or signal flags?”
Natalie sighed. “Are you done?”
“Um,” Evie said. She tried to, but couldn’t think of any more strange ways to communicate. “Yep, I’m done.”
“Good.”
They lay there for a moment. Evie stroked Natalie’s arm, since she was holding it, then kissed Natalie’s neck, because it was near her face.
“You mean all this?” Natalie said. “You’re really sure?”
“About faxes and letters?”
“No, you…” Natalie stopped. “About telling people. Obviously.”
“Yep, I mean it.”
“So we’re telling people?” Natalie said. “We definitely are?”
“We are if you want to,” Evie said. “If you do, then of course.”
“One person?”
“Yep. Or as many as you want.”
“One is enough for now,” Natalie said.
“Then one,” Evie said. “Or ten. Whatever.”
“Thank you,” Natalie said, and kissed Evie for a while. She seemed pleased with Evie, and very touched, although Evie didn’t think she’d especially done much.
They kissed, then Natalie said, “I suppose I should get up.”
“Dare you,” Evie said.
“Why?” Natalie said. “Why the dare?”
“I have no idea.”
Natalie smiled, and kissed Evie a last time, and then got up, and once she had, Evie did too. And then they went for brunch.
They went for brunch because Natalie liked brunch, although Evie didn’t quite understand why. She didn’t know why Natalie would want to wake up early all week, and then at the weekends too. She didn’t understand why you wouldn’t just stay in bed if you didn’t have to be up. Natalie seemed to think socialising over breakfast was a normal thing to do, although she had work breakfasts with clients, which was somehow probably why. Natalie had her work breakfasts, and also got all excited on weekend mornings when she and Evie both happened to be free. Natalie suggested brunch, and Evie said of course, even though she’d rather have stayed in bed, because it was nice seeing Natalie happy about something so small. She was probably going to tease Natalie about liking brunch, and was probably going to pretend it was too early to be up, but it was actually fun and Natalie’s excitement was contagious and it got them both out the apartment too, which was probably good after a morning like they’d just had.
They went to brunch, and had a nice time, and then they went shopping afterwards, just because they both had the afternoon free.
22: Natalie
Natalie couldn’t decide how worried Evie actually was about Meredith. She wasn’t even sure she should have warned Evie about Meredith at all. After that first conversation, Evie hadn’t mentioned it again, and didn’t seem especially concerned, so Natalie hoped all was well. She wondered, over the next few days, trying to decide if Evie seemed nervous, or upset, even though it wasn’t really something she’d be able to tell just by looking. She wanted to ask, but at the same time, she didn’t want to remind Evie if Evie had forgotten all about it, so she waited, undecided, and in the end Meredith solved the problem for her. Meredith phoned Natalie at work, and seemed to want to talk, and that gave Natalie an opportunity to find out how vindictive Meredith was feeling.
As it turned out, Meredith wasn’t feeling vindictive at all. If anything, she seemed quite conciliatory.
Meredith phoned, and the first thing she said was, “I’m sorry, I truly am.”
Natalie was surprised. It wasn’t like Meredith to begin a conversation with an apology.
“That’s all right,” Natalie said, uncertain how to respond. “You mean about the other day?”
“I do. I reacted badly.”
“You did.”
“I did, and I apologise.”
Natalie thought about that. Meredith was still Meredith, so, carefully, she said, “You apologise to me?” With Meredith, little distinctions like that were important.
“Of course to you,” Meredith said. “Who else?”
“Not to Evie?”
Meredith didn’t answer.
“You should,” Natalie said. “To Evie.”
Meredith sighed, impatiently. It was a familiar sigh, a sigh Natalie knew she’d caught from Meredith herself. “Well I will if I must,” Meredith said.
That was probably as much as Natalie could expect, at least until she had Meredith and Evie in the same room, and Meredith and Evie in the same room was something Natalie could happily avoid indefinitely.
“I’m sorry too,” Natalie said. “I meant to say something to you about Evie. It wasn’t really fair not to. I should have said something, but we hardly talk any more, so I hardly had the chance.”
“Because you avoid me,” Meredith said. “That’s why we never talk.”
“Yes, I know that.”
“That’s your decision,” Meredith said. “I always wanted us to stay friends.”
“Yes,” Natalie said, wondering if there was about to be an argument. “Yes, you’re right…”
“I want us to be closer,” Meredith said. “I always have. Just because we…”
“I know,” Natalie said, interrupting. “I know all that.” Meredith had told her often enough before.
“So can we?” Meredith said. “Be friends? Or at least speak to each politely?”
“We can speak politely,” Natalie said.
“And friends?” Meredith said, but Natalie didn’t answer.
Part of Natalie wanted to say yes, because she sometimes missed what she and Meredith had used to have. They had been close, and Meredith had mattered a lot to her, and part of Natalie remembered that. And another part of her, being practical, wanted to stay polite and spare herself difficulties in the future, which felt a little calculating, but was also quite sensible too.
Even given the practicalities, Natalie thought, it was nice to talk to Meredith without fighting. They should be able to get on, she told herself, as she had fairly often before. They had a lot in common, their work and friends, so even without being involved with each other, they had quite important things they shared. And a past together too, which was a shame to let go. They ought to get on, Natalie thought, but it just never seemed to happen that they did.
Natalie almost wanted to try again. The past was over with now, and it seemed a little silly of Natalie to keep being hurt when so much time had passed. Especially now she was moving on with Evie, it seemed almost rude not to. She and Meredith should be friends, she thought, or at least they should be speaking.
“We can try,” Natalie said. “If we must.”
“I’d like to.”
“Then we can.”
“Thank yo
u,” Meredith said, and sounded like she meant it.
“But are you sure you’re not bothered about all this?” Natalie said. “About Evie, I mean.”
“I’m fine,” Meredith said, but Natalie could hear it wasn’t true. She knew Meredith better than that
“Does it bother you a lot?” Natalie said, ignoring what Meredith had just said.
“As long as you’re happy…” Meredith said.
“Now be honest.”
“Honestly?” Meredith said. “Yes, her age bothers me.”
“I’d noticed.”
“God, Nat, twenty-one?”
Natalie didn’t know what to say. “Yes,” she said. “Evie is.”
“It gave me a shock, that’s all,” Meredith said. “Her age did.”
“I know,” Natalie said. “I’m sorry.”
There was a silence. Meredith was thinking. “This is more than we’ve talked in months,” Meredith said.
“I know.”
“I should thank her for that, I suppose.”
“Probably,” Natalie said, beginning to wonder if she should just say goodbye.
“Is it serious?” Meredith said. “I mean, anyone else I’d assume not, but it’s you, so…”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re a serious person. You take things seriously. Especially things like this.”
“I don’t…”
“You said you loved me after a few weeks, and you wanted to live together after three months.”
“People live with each other,” Natalie said.
“Not that quickly.”
“Someone people do.”
“Yes,” Meredith said. “You.”
“That was a long time ago,” Natalie said. “I was different back then.”
“And now you’re doing it again,” Meredith said. “Apparently. So is it serious?”
“It is to me,” Natalie said.
“And to her?”
“I think so.”
“That’s good,” Meredith said. “I’m glad. For you, I mean.”
“Thank you,” Natalie said. “I suppose.” Natalie wasn’t sure how much to say. She wasn’t completely sure how to be friends with exes, because Meredith was the only one that she’d had in years. She wasn’t sure how much Meredith should know, or what she needed to be told. She wasn’t even sure what to say, without feeling like she would bump into something inappropriate.
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