Landon (Swanson Court Book 4)
Page 21
She doesn’t reply, but I can feel her eyes on me as I walk away.
She joins me a few minutes later, and we go down together. We take pictures at the red carpet and she stays by my side as I welcome the guests.
In the ballroom, the theme is A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and soft lights hang from the ceiling, making it look like a moonlit night. The waiters are dressed like sprites and fairies, and there are plants and flowers gleaming with faux fireflies.
“It’s very beautiful,” Rachel whispers.
She is more beautiful. I squeeze her hand. “Thank you.”
I spend the next half-hour talking to guests and acknowledging congratulations. When Aidan arrives, I’m relieved to see his roguish face.
“Took you long enough to get here,” I scold.
He laughs, shaking my hand vigorously before giving me a hug.
“God! It is lovely,” he exclaims, taking it all in. “You did it again…and I’m sorry I’m late.”
I smile. “I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Last-minute issues with the play.” He turns his attention to Rachel. “Didn’t hurt that he had a plane waiting for me.” He hugs her lightly and kisses her cheek. “It’s good to see you, Rachel.”
“Same here,” she replies. “You look good.”
“Desperate damage control before leaving the plane.” He grins. “You should have seen me escaping New York and those horrible rehearsals. I looked like a fugitive.”
I watch them laughing, realizing just then that they are the two most important people to me in the world. Rachel catches me watching her and gives me a questioning look.
How do I tell her she means the world to me?
A guest approaches me to gush about the hotel, forcing my attention away.
Rachel and Aidan are still talking when Ava joins us. She takes my hand and almost blinds me with her smile.
“Always so sexy in a tux,” she whispers in my ear.
There’s a quick flash as someone takes a picture. I back away from her, wondering how much she’s had to drink.
“Ava Sinclair.” Aidan’s dislike is evident in his voice. “I never thought I’d see this face again.”
Ava gives him a look that mirrors his. “It’s been ages, hasn’t it?” She turns to Rachel. “How d’you do, Rachel?”
“Wonderful, thank you.” Rachel is smiling. “You look great.”
“Well, so do you.”
“I was just thinking it’s such an enchanting event you all put together,” Rachel says, still smiling.
Ava preens even though she only organized a small part of the fundraising event. “Were you? We did have a great time arranging it all.” She bats her eyelashes at me then saunters away. Rachel watches her go, a strange look on her face.
I place my hand around her waist. “They should announce dinner any minute.”
“And then after the boring speeches, some dancing.” Aidan grins at Rachel. “I’m looking forward to seeing what you can do.”
“Game on.”
Their conversation continues throughout dinner, and I try not to let it bother me. She seems determined to focus her attention on Aidan, who is blissfully unaware that she’s deliberately ignoring me.
I can’t wait for the evening to be over, to have another chance for us to talk and maybe get past whatever this is. I felt like I was losing her before. Now, it feels like I already have.
I go through the motions of conversations, giving a speech and announcing the auction for The Shelter Project, but I only have eyes for Rachel.
After the auction, when I finally escape from the multitudes of people who want to talk to me, I return to our table. Rachel isn’t there, and I see her dancing with Aidan. They’re having fun, and it makes me smile just to watch them.
“How long do you think it’ll last?”
Ava is standing beside me, a glass of champagne in her hand.
“Still keeping tabs on me?”
She shrugs and lowers herself on a chair. “Why don’t you sit for a while? She’s having fun. Let her.”
I pull out my chair and join her. “I think we’ve established by now that my relationship isn’t your concern.”
She chuckles. “If I were placing bets, I’d say it’s already over. She seems a little shaky already. Not everyone can keep up with you, after all. Remember when you told me you wished your father had died along with your mother instead of lingering for a decade after? So dark, Landon. Do you share things like that with her?”
“It’s none of your business what I share with her.” I scowl, annoyed by the reference to things I shared with her in the past. “Why do you care, anyway? Have you run out of playboys and princes to marry and discard?”
She is quiet. “What if I have?”
I lean close to her. “I’d say…I really don’t care. Stay out of my personal life, Ava. I’m serious. And for your information, I have absolutely no interest in yours.”
I leave her at the table and go over to where Rachel and Aidan are still dancing.
“May I?”
Aidan raises an eyebrow at Rachel, and she nods. He hands her over to me then saunters off.
The song is slow, and I hold Rachel close, barely moving to the mellow music.
“Are you enjoying yourself?”
She shrugs. “Aidan has been excellent company.”
Meaning I haven’t. The small dig makes me smile. “I’m glad you two like each other.”
“What’s not to like? You know I think he’s great.”
The music continues, and I can feel the distance between us like a widening fissure. “Rachel…”
Her eyes meet mine, and I continue.
“What happened earlier in the suite—”
She stops me. “Not now, Landon.”
“No, I…I haven’t stopped thinking about it. You being here means a lot to me, Rachel. I hate the idea that I hurt you. I don’t… I’m sorry for not trusting you about Jack.”
She doesn’t look at me. “You already said that.”
I exhale. “I want us to work,” I tell her. “I want—”
“Landon. We don’t work.” Her eyes fix on mine, wide, green, and almost luminous. “We just don’t work.”
I feel as if I’ve been kicked in the gut. Anybody else and I would walk away, but here, now, with her, I want to beg, to plead.
My voice is miraculously even. “You’re wrong.”
“Am I?” She searches my face. I can hear all the words she’s not saying, the jealousy and suspicion. She’s rejecting me, the man she no longer wants.
“Don’t do this again.” I’m begging now. “For God’s sake, don’t do this again.”
“Why not? What does it even mean to you that I stay? It’s just sex, Landon. Apart from that, we have nothing.”
It’s just sex, Landon.
“We talked about this, and you said you wouldn’t walk away.”
“I’m not walking away. I’m trying to make you see that we don’t have a chance.” She sighs. “You don’t trust me. I don’t trust you. We don’t have anything to build a relationship on. Maybe it’s best if we both walk away.”
Please. The word is on the tip of my tongue.
Don’t be pathetic, a voice says in my head.
Then Ava’s voice. If I were placing bets, I’d say it’s already over.
I pull in a breath. “Tony will arrange for your transport. You can go any time you want.
She steps back and her hands drop from my shoulders. “Landon—”
“No.” I cup her face in my hands and smile down at her. My face feels tight with the effort. “Whatever it is you’re looking for, Rachel, I hope you fucking find it.”
The rest of the evening passes in a blur. I don’t register anything else that happens.
We don’t work. We just don’t work.
Well, fine.
I will not keep chasing a dream that doesn’t belong to me.
Ava pulls me to the dance floor, and I can barely he
ar what she says while we dance. All I know is that Rachel is leaving, and I’m not good enough for her.
Chapter 28
I know exactly when Rachel leaves the room. I feel the emptiness inside me intensify until it’s unbearable.
I won’t go after her.
“Where’s your mind?” Ava teases. She stops a passing nymph with a champagne tray. “Here, have a drink.”
I wave the waiter away. “I’m fine.”
“Lovers’ quarrel?”
“Mind your business.”
“You are my business.”
I stop moving. “Ava, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but you have to know there’s no point to this…whatever it is you’re doing.”
She pouts. “Next you’ll be telling me you’re in love.”
I freeze at the word. She’s watching me, smiling, waiting for a reply. Without saying anything else, I leave her on the dance floor and stalk out of the room. The party is still ongoing, but I don’t care. I go up to my suite and find Rachel in a robe, her face scrubbed clean of makeup. Her suitcase lies open on the bed.
Seeing for myself that she’s serious about leaving causes another wave of pain.
“You’re actually leaving.” I feel stupid for stating the obvious. Only she would make me feel like a fool.
She sighs. “Yes.”
I won’t beg. “When do you want to go? Tonight? Have you called Tony?”
She shakes her head.
“I’ll let him know you want to leave. He’ll have a plane waiting for you for whenever you’re ready.”
She doesn’t reply.
I’m trying my best not to feel anything, but I’m dying inside. “Do you want me to go? I can arrange for another suite if you’d rather not have me around.”
She shakes her head again. “No…don’t. You don’t have to go.”
I stalk to the bar in the living room to pour myself a drink before tearing off my jacket and going out to the balcony. I can’t breathe. Out there in the cold, the night air feels like lashes on my skin.
Soon, she’ll be gone.
I send Tony a message telling him to arrange for a ride for Rachel.
Soon, she’ll be gone.
“Landon.” The sound of her voice is like a shot of adrenaline to my senses. I whirl, hope squashing every pain inside me then dying when I see the look on her face.
Soon, she’ll be gone.
I turn back to face the city, taking a long swill from my glass and welcoming the burning in my throat. “What do you want?”
“I have…” She stops. “I wanted to talk.”
My laugh is bitter. “You’ve already said it all. We don’t work.” I face her again, hating to see how fragile she looks, how hurt.
Don’t leave.
My lips curl and I set my glass down on top of the balustrade. “What else is there to say?”
“Landon—”
“Stop, Rachel. Just stop it.” I hold up one hand. “I’m done. I’m sick of the mixed messages, the drama…” I shrug and laugh again. “You always have an excuse to walk away, no matter what I do. I get the message now. You’ve proven beyond any doubt that you’re out of my reach.”
Her eyes fill with tears and I hate myself—for not deserving her, for not being good enough for her, for not being what she wants. “You really should leave,” I say with a sigh. “I intend to get well and truly drunk tonight.” I reach for my drink again.
“I love you.” The words stop me in my tracks, and I freeze. Slowly, I turn back to face her.
“I love you,” she says again. “I’m in love with you.” Her eyes fall away from mine. “I have since that first week we spent together. I…I didn’t want to fall in love with you, and I didn’t plan to, and it has hurt…It has hurt every day knowing you don’t feel the same way.”
I’m staring at her, hearing her speak but not quite sure I understand what she’s saying.
“I just…I thought it would be easier if I let you go.” The words are spilling out of her, faster than I can comprehend. “I didn’t want something that, at best, was just a prolonged hookup, and now I don’t want a relationship that has no chance of becoming something more, because I won’t be able to bear it.”
She loves me.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she continues. “I’m not asking for anything from you. I already know how you feel about commitment. I just wanted you to know the truth. I love you. That’s the only reason why I ever walked away. I knew it was the only way I would have a chance to get over you.”
She loves me, and that’s why she’s leaving.
“Rachel…” I take a step toward her. “Don’t go.”
Her body is trembling. “Landon…”
“Don’t go,” I repeat. “Please.”
She comes to me and puts her arms around me. “I love you,” she says again. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”
I close my eyes. She loves me.
She has loved me…all this time, and she never told me.
I had no idea.
I feel exultant, yet strangely sad. “You have no idea how afraid I am of hurting you.”
She lifts her face to mine and places a kiss on my lips. “You won’t.”
I hug her close, feeling her body tremble in my arms. I have no plan for this. I had no expectation of this. I feel undone.
Love.
For so long, that word has meant only pain to me.
And now…
Her eyes rove my face. “I love you,” she says again. Then she reaches up to kiss me. I kiss her back, tasting her desire, her love. Her fingers tangle in my hair as my tongue strokes hers.
When I release her, she smiles up at me, I wonder if she can see the fear in my eyes.
“Stop thinking,” she urges, her voice soft. When I don’t say anything, she kisses me again. I kiss her back, clinging to what I know, what I understand.
She unbuttons my shirt and slides her hands over my chest.
She loves me.
I tear my lips from hers. “Rachel…”
She shakes her head. “Don’t stop.”
I take her lips again, undoing the tie of her robe. She shrugs it off and presses her body to mine.
Carrying her inside the suite, I set her down on the soft carpet, and she looks up at me with eyes soft with desire…and love.
I take a deep breath and cover her body with mine, kissing her again, trailing soft kisses from her face to her chest. I want to shower every inch of her with care and attention. I want to take the pain away from her eyes. Lowering my head to her breast, I draw a nipple into my mouth and suck in deeply through her lace bra. Her body arches and I slide my hand between her legs, stroking her gently.
Her eyes flutter closed, and she makes a sound of pleasure. I reach behind her and undo her bra then my hand is back between her legs, sliding inside her panties.
Still stroking her, I drag my lips from her breasts back to her throat, kissing the tender spot under her ear. Impatiently, she grabs my face and thrusts her tongue in my mouth.
I groan, tearing my lips from hers. Her hips move to the slow thrum of my fingers, her slick flesh demanding more. I slide two fingers inside her, and she lets out a breath.
“What do you want me to do?” I’m more uncertain than I’ve ever been in my life. “What should I do?”
She breathes. “Don’t stop touching me.”
I bring her to a climax with my fingers, watching her body shudder and tremble. I kiss the moans from her lips, tasting her pleasure.
She dozes off in my arms, and I slide her robe back around her, leaving her only to close the doors to the balcony. When I’m done, I carry her to the bedroom and remove the robe before tucking her under the covers. I undress and join her in bed, pulling her into my arms.
“Don’t leave.”
She doesn’t hear me.
I’m watching the car fill with smoke.
“There’s nothing you can do.”
Because it’s not my mother. It’s Rachel.
“Please,” I scream. “Please.”
“There’s nothing you can do.”
I wake up to Rachel’s voice in my ear. She’s whispering soft soothing words. I open my eyes, the tension in my body draining away.
“You’re here.”
She smiles. “I am.”
I draw her into my arms, and her body relaxes into mine.
“You were crying,” she says. “Was it worse than usual?”
When I don’t reply, she lifts her face to mine, waiting for an answer.
“It was you,” I whisper.
She frowns. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s always my mother in the accident,” I explain. “This time, it was you, and I couldn’t save you.”
“There’s no accident, Landon. I’m fine. I don’t need saving.”
I want to argue, but before I can say a word, she rises from the bed and takes my face in her hands. “Stop torturing yourself,” she says firmly. “You’re not going to hurt me. I’m going to be fine.”
But she’s already hurt. She’s been hurting these past weeks, and I didn’t know.
I take her hands in mine. “I already have.” More than I had a right to.
She shakes her head. “Don’t think about that.”
She loves me.
“Say it again.” It’s selfish, but I want to hear her tell me she loves me. I want to hear it until I believe it without a doubt, until I feel like I deserve it.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I bury my face in the crook of her neck, inhaling the sweet scent of her skin. She settles over me, and I lay gentle kisses on her neck and her shoulder.
She closes her eyes and I roll over so she’s lying beneath me. I continue to lavish kisses all over her, letting my touch say all the words I can’t bring myself to say.
“I had no idea.”
She smiles. “I know.”
I kiss her everywhere, from her face to her toes. My lips find the heat between her legs and she spreads herself for me. I kiss her down there, tasting her desire, the sweetness of her body. I don’t stop until she’s crying out, breathless as she climaxes with my name on her lips.