Love's Hot

by Karen Deen

“Because they’ll all ask why we got drunk on a Sunday. I don’t want to tell them. I don’t want anyone to know. Got it!?” I’m getting a little heated now.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll just follow. Just don’t ask me to talk.”

  We both make a beeline for our office. Not looking to talk to anyone or make eye contact. Maybe no one will actually notice we’re late. The office is quiet which is unusual. Normally there’s activity and voices coming from one of the boys’ offices or they’re yelling at each other between offices. I mean, why use the expensive telephone intercom system we have?

  Zoe comes out from Zach’s office and makes me jump as she says good morning.

  “Oh, hey Zoe.” I keep walking when she stops me dead in my tracks.

  “Why aren’t you girls in the boardroom for the family meeting? Are you taking a break? You’ve had enough of those boys and it’s only been an hour?”

  Fuck! is all I can think.

  What meeting? I didn’t schedule any meeting in the calendar. I look at Alesha who also looks lost. She shrugs her shoulders and we casually head into our office and scramble trying to get the computers loaded to check the emails and calendars.

  Keyboard keys are clacking, and pens and papers are being shoved across the desks.

  “Shit, Grant sent an email last night about an emergency meeting this morning. Who expects people to check work emails on a Sunday night?” I curse, picking up my folder and pen.

  “Our damn workaholic brother, that’s who!” We both rush out of the office to the boardroom.

  I walk in as casually as I can. Taking a seat and saying good morning like nothing is wrong. The boys sit silently looking at us both.

  Luke can’t help himself and breaks the silence. “It’s nice of you to finally join us. Working on Lilly time again today, are we?” He smiles across the table at me.

  Don’t pick on me today, Luke, it’s the wrong day.

  “Nope, we had a wedding dress fitting which was booked in before the email sent on a Sunday night, which doesn’t count as notification for the next morning, by the way.” I smugly cross my arms over my chest. I can stare these boys down any day. They’re my brothers, I’m not afraid of them.

  “Likely story,” Grant says rolling his eyes. “Just admit you’re hopeless with time and were too busy attending to your hair and make-up. One day you will be on time.”

  I go to defend myself, but Alesha is all over it, having my back against our brothers. “Shut up, Grant. We’re getting over last night’s frigging hangovers. Trying to forget sex with a guy like Kane takes lots of alcohol.” Her hand flies to her mouth as she realizes she just exposed me to my brothers.

  “Oh. Shit. Lilly, I’m sorry. My head is muddled. I’m so sorry.” The words come rambling out of Alesha’s mouth so quickly as she tries to backtrack.

  “Goddammit!” Grant bangs his hand on the table, frustrated. He better not start a big brother lecture, because today I will stab him with my pen so hard I draw blood.

  I glare at Alesha. I can’t be mad at her, though, because it’s not like my brain is functioning any better than hers is today.

  Luke starts to laugh loudly. One of those deep-down belly laughs that make everyone look to see what’s so funny.

  “Pay up, big brother. Called it. I told you they were together. You too, Zach, you both owe me. A bet’s a bet.”

  “What the fuck? You all had bets if I was sleeping with Kane or not? You boys suck. Seriously, I’m done with you all.” I go to leave when Luke jumps up and comes to put his arm around me.

  “Hey, we’re just brothers being silly. So, what happened that you and little miss goody-two-shoes over there are suffering hangovers?” He’s still trying to be funny but there’s a small part of him that cares.

  “Like you care, you’re just happy you won your bet. Jerk.” I slap his chest, but it just means he draws me into his chest and hugs me tighter.

  “Seriously, Lil, are you okay? Do we need to go and sort him out?” All the witty tone has left his voice, and he sounds genuinely concerned.

  “No, it’s okay. It’s over now. Mutual agreement. All good. Can we just forget about it? Not something I want to discuss with my brothers.”

  He squeezes me a little tighter and then Grant breaks the moment. “Okay, good, let’s get some work done, can we? Enough of the family melodramas. Now let’s talk about the dramas down in the river district job.”

  “Good to know you care, Grant.” I sneer as I sit back down, and Zach leans over to kiss me on the head as he gives me a warm hug.

  “Always here if you need to talk. I know Emily is too. Come and stay for a few days, the kids’ll make you laugh,” he whispers to me.

  There’s something so calming about Zach. Grant is the controlling, bossy brother. Luke is the comedian, but Zach is the caring and gentle soul. He is the level head that always manages to know just what to say and when to be there.

  “Thank you. Could be what I need. I’ll let you know,” I whisper back.

  “Are you two finished down there? Can we start the damn meeting now please? Some of us have work to do today, funnily enough.”

  “Whatever,” I grumble, and everyone laughs.

  That’s what we do best in this family. Love, laugh and protect. No matter what I’m going through, I know they will all be there in their own ways. Even Grant, who knows that what I need is to be busy and to be pushed to think about work instead of Kane.

  One day at a time.

  It has to get easier.

  It can’t feel any worse.

  ***

  Today was the longest day in history, between my hangover headache that never left, Alesha who couldn’t stop apologizing all day and the damn phone on my desk that never stopped ringing. I’m not a violent person but I really wanted to smash that phone against the wall.

  After the boys had all their jokes at my expense, they quickly moved on to work for the day and it wasn’t mentioned again. Alesha offered to cook me dinner and keep me company, but I told her she did such a good job of looking after me last night, I think tonight I’d better just have a quiet one. I know down the road, as time makes this not as raw, it’ll be the big joke in the family that quiet Alesha got the wild child Lilly drunk.

  Definitely one for the record books.

  It’s nights like tonight, I wish I had a dog or a cat. A pet of some sort to cuddle up with on my bed. They would be loyal and just be happy to be with me. No questions asked. As long as I fed them, walked them and gave them cuddles, life for them would be complete. So much less hassle than a man or a relationship. That’s why I wasn’t ready for one. They’re too much hard work. I mean, there are certainly some benefits.

  Oh god, those benefits were huge too.

  I need to lick my wounds.

  Heels and lipstick on. Head held high and ready to take on the world.

  I’ve got this.

  I don’t need a man to keep living. I’m strong.

  I create my own life.

  24

  Kane

  ONE OF THE THINGS about working an undercover case is that you start living in a bubble. Your sole focus is on the case. You live, eat and breathe it. Nothing in your day is a normal life. You’re living in temporary accommodation, using a different name and lying low when you aren’t on the job. You’ve got to completely immerse into the life, otherwise you’re putting yourself and the others around you in danger. The suspects you’re trying to gain trust from can’t suspect for one moment you aren’t who you’re pretending to be. Cut off from your normal life. No phone contact, no social-media posting, no activity in any way, except in your new identity’s world.

  Only a few people know where I am. Mom and Dad know I’m undercover, but they don’t know where. It’s hard on Mom, she struggles with it. I feel bad but know that she understands it’s who I am. Dad keeps her busy to stop her from worrying. They have my sergeant’s contact details, so if they are worried or there’s an emergency then they can still g
et a message to me.

  Xavier knows, even though I shouldn’t have told him. I trust him with my life, more than I trust some of my work colleagues at times. He’s the only one who I’ve told exactly where I’m staying. He has my burner phone number. He knows not to use it unless it’s an emergency. I made sure he was going to be looking after Lilly. I don’t have a right to be asking that of him, but I am anyway. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I want to know she’s safe and happy. Not sure she’s made it to the second part yet, but she will be working on it. I know her. She’s a strong woman. Nothing will hold her down. Not even her hate for me.

  Jessie and I have spent the last two weeks visiting different clubs in the area. Her undercover name is AJ which is short for Alison Jane. That way if I use the name Alison Jane instead of AJ, it’s one of our signals to let her know there’s danger around or that I’m feeling we have a problem. Her identity is that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. We don’t live together so we have separate apartments. That way her husband Adam can still see her in private without having to worry about me. Because he’s a fire fighter, he uses all sorts of reasons to be accessing the building where she is. He also has the maintenance elevator key to gain access through the service entrance. He doesn’t visit too often but enough to reassure himself that Jessie is okay and safe.

  Our role at the moment has been simple because we’re going into the clubs as a couple who are voyeurs. That way we don’t have to participate and can take in faces and clues in each of the different places. We take turns as being the one who drinks so one of us is always completely sober. The other one never gets drunk, but we need to be seen drinking. No one goes into these clubs and drinks water. So, we rotate our glasses. Sober one takes the glass to their lips but never takes a sip. Places it back down next to the other glass. The drinker for the night takes a drink from each glass, alternating until they’re both finished.

  So far, the clubs we’ve visited aren’t too hardcore. We’ve seen some interesting scenes. The first night was challenging. Especially for Jessie. She’s visited strip clubs before, but not these sorts of clubs. I’ll be honest it’s not somewhere I frequent either, although I have been inside one before when I was younger, though not for many years. Tried it out and found it wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m all for the domination but I’m more about the domination of controlling pleasure in the privacy of our own place. Plus, the pain thing doesn’t really do it for me. A spanking and restraints for a bit of fun but nothing more than that. To each their own for those that enjoy more.

  We’ve been warned the club we’re visiting tonight is extreme, hardcore. Jessie and I have agreed that she’s not to leave my side and we’re going to put a tracking device on the inside of her clothes so I can make sure that nothing happens to her. Just in case. Although I won’t let her out of my sight, you need to expect the unexpected in these places. Unfortunately, it also means we’re going to have to up our relationship for this place. Tonight, we’ll need to be kissing and touching in places I wouldn’t dream of touching a work colleague. She’s coming here early so we can get comfortable with each other before we go out. I don’t know how her husband is coping with all this. If it were me, I would have said no way to my wife being put in this position. No matter how good a cop she is, first and foremost she is my wife, and I wouldn’t want any other guy touching her.

  I still feel rage when I think of Lilly and anyone else touching her. I know that is so hypocritical. I tell her I don’t want her, but I don’t want her seeing anyone else. I lie in my bed at night thinking about her. I try not to wonder where she is and who she’s with. Has she gotten over me? Did she do as I told her and start seeing other people already? Or is she still feeling as shitty as I am and isn’t ready to let go of us. To her, there is no longer an us, especially since I have completely disappeared from her life. For me, though, there will always be an us. No matter what.

  The afternoon always drags as I wait to start working again for the night. There’s a knock at the door, which always puts me on edge. Putting my gun in the back of my pants under my shirt, I look through the peep hole.

  My body relaxes at the sight of Jessie on the other side of the door. Wearing a trench coat, which is a dead giveaway she’s dressed like a prostitute underneath. Must be her outfit for later tonight. Wonder if she’s trying these out on Adam before they get put on for work. Half his luck, I say, but I don’t want to know.

  “Hey there, beautiful lady.” She just rolls her eyes at me and walks past into the apartment. There’s not much in here. Just the basics that’ll make it pass as a bachelor pad. Closing the door, I walk over to the coffee machine.

  “Want one?” I motion to the coffee cups to which she nods yes.

  “I need something to keep me alert tonight. I didn’t sleep much last night.” She yawns as she drops onto the chair at the table.

  “Told you before I don’t want to know what you and Adam get up to after I drop you off.”

  She laughs and gives me the middle finger. “Not that I need to explain, but I didn’t see him last night. To be honest, I just feel apprehensive about tonight.” She looks down and starts playing with the belt on her jacket. I can see her knuckles going a little white from how hard she’s holding them. I finish making her coffee and take a seat next to her.

  “Want to talk about it, Jess?” I put my hand on top of hers to let her know I’m here and I’ve got her back. I won’t let anything happen to her.

  “I should be able to handle this. It’s part of the job. I’m just struggling with having to kiss you tonight and let you touch me. I know Adam has said he’s okay with it, but I know it’s hurting him. To be honest, I never imagined ever kissing anyone else after we married. He is my life and the only one I want to be kissing until we’re old and grey.” She finally looks up and I see the turmoil in her eyes.

  “I get it. If you were mine, I’m not sure I would cope with it either. Can I tell you something I haven’t shared with many people?” She nods, waiting for my story.

  “Several weeks ago, I met a woman, who for the first time in my life I felt more for than I ever knew possible. We both started out saying we didn’t want anything serious. Right from the first night, I fell and fell hard. So did she. We both tried not to acknowledge it. Saying we were fine with being fuck buddies. Then this assignment came up. I knew I couldn’t put her through it. I did the only thing I thought was right. I ended it and broke her heart, and to be honest, mine too. So, I know how hard this is for you and Adam to do. Please don’t feel you have to go through with this. I can call another agent in.”

  Sitting staring out the window, Jess is taking in everything I’ve just said to her. Sipping on her coffee. After a few moments’ silence, she turns to talk more. “I can do this, I know I can. I want to catch these bastards. Is there another way we can look more intimate without full-on groping each other?” she asks, almost pleading with me.

  “I was thinking all day about this too. How about tonight if we just do a lot of kissing on the neck from behind. You, standing in front of me with your back to my chest. I can pretend to be putting my hand up your skirt from the back but not really touching anything. Kissing you on your neck and pretending to nibble your ear. You need to play the part, though, with the noises and look like I’m driving you wild. No kissing on the lips. Does that help?”

  The sparkle in her eyes returns a little. “Kane, you’re a good guy. Sounds awesome, but if you think we need to go further tonight, just do it and I’ll cope with it.” Pausing, she places her other hand over mine. “Don’t let her go, Kane. As soon as we’re back out, you chase her down and make her yours. You only get one chance with that sort of connection. I’ve never heard you talk like that before. Ever.”

  “Well, there’s never been a Lilly before. I just don’t know if she deserves more than I can give her in this job. I mean, look at what we do, day in and day out. What if I go to work one day and never come home?”

  “Th
en she cries for the days she’s missing you but she wraps her arms around herself to remember the days of love you shared. Hopefully looking down into the eyes of little Kanes that will bring her joy every day for the part of you she still has to cherish. We can never promise tomorrow, but we can live today full of love and make memories. Don’t make her choice for her, Kane. That’s not fair.”

  I sit there feeling so emotional. Everything Jess just said really hit home with me.

  “That’s what Lilly said to me once. That I was never giving women the chance to make a choice. None of them mattered before, but her…fuck, she turns me upside down and inside out every time.”

  We both sit, sipping coffee, contemplating all that has been said and what lies in front of us tonight.

  Jessie bangs her cup on the table.

  “Fuck it! We’re going to get this bastard. You are going to get your girl and I’m not going undercover again and I’m going to be a mom. Something I’ve always wanted but was afraid to step back from work, worried that I would miss it too much. Or not give a child all the attention they deserve because my mind is all tangled in the job. Life is too short, though, and we’re missing out on our dreams because of the job. We have to balance both. We need to do this shit, Kane!” She’s up and pacing the room.

  “That’s the spirit. Let’s go in there tonight and really get into finding out what the fuck they’re doing. The sooner we get the intel, the faster we nail them. Let’s talk over our plan. Another coffee?”

  We both grin at each other and I know we’ve got this. We both have our cop persona back on and a whole lot of badass adrenaline to go with it.

  I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to make Lilly mine, but every day I get closer to wanting it more than breathing.

  ***

  After spending a few hours talking over our plans, we’re now standing outside a plain brick building that could be mistaken for an apartment building. There’s nothing to make it look any different than any of the buildings in the street. We’re down in the river district. There’s a row of shops across the road that are all closed now, of course, being ten pm. A few random people are wandering down the street, talking or walking arm in arm. Just like any normal night.