No Cone Unturned (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 12)

by Chelsea Thomas

  Eve shook her head. “This is a hobby to the three of you? A man is dead. This is serious.”

  Miss May sighed. “You guessed correctly, Chelsea. But I don’t think Eve understands exactly what we do. Just because we’re here doesn’t mean she’s a suspect.”

  “You keep saying that but I can tell from the way you’re looking at me that you don’t trust me and you don’t like me,” said Eve. “Look me in the eye and tell me again I’m not a suspect. Tell me that from the bottom of your slimey heart.”

  I stepped forward. “If we thought you were the killer do you think we would have come here alone? Don’t you think we would’ve called the police and let them handle this conversation?”

  Eve bit her lip. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “We knew we didn’t need to call the cops before we came to talk to you because we don’t think you’re dangerous,” I said, doing my best to remain calm and reassuring. “It’s just… You knew Todd better than anyone. So we were hoping you might be able to tell us more about him. Who were his friends? Who were his enemies? Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to hurt him?”

  “How do I know you don’t have cops out in the bushes?”

  “Because we don’t,” I said. “If you want, you can go look.”

  “Perfect.” Eve left the house and started poking at the bushes in the front yard. “Hello? Any cops out here? Come out now or I’ll file a lawsuit for trespassing.”

  As Eve continued to yell into the empty bushes, I turned to Teeny and Miss May. “What happened in here?”

  Miss May turned up her palms. “She got suspicious. I figured I should try to calm her down with the truth. I thought it might help relieve the tension.”

  “But it didn’t work,” said Teeny. “The lady is on edge. She’s angry, she’s grieving, she doesn’t want to be treated like a suspect in her husband’s murder.”

  “We were never treating her like a suspect,” said Miss May.

  “But we are here because we suspect her,” I said. “Or her kids.”

  “Still,” said Miss May, “I told her exactly what you told her. I said we need more information and she might be able to help. I never said that we think she killed Todd or anything like that.”

  I peered out toward the front yard, where Eve continued to tromp and yell at the non-existent cops. “Well, I think she may believe me,” I said. “So that’s a good thing.”

  “Unless she really is the killer,” said Teeny. “In that case, she’s probably only checking for police officers to make sure no one is around to hear when she puts a bullet in the back of our heads.”

  My pulse went from a gentle jog to a full sprint. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

  Teeny shrugged. “Might be about time for you to start loosening your karate muscles.”

  Slam. The front door closed and Eve returned to the kitchen. “Alright. I didn’t find any cops out there. So I guess I believe you. You’re here to get my help? You think I have information that might help you find Todd’s killer?”

  Miss May nodded. “I’m sure you do. We all want justice for Todd, and a quick conversation with you might make that more likely.”

  Eve sat at the kitchen table and took a huge bite of pie. “This pie is delicious.”

  Miss May sat at the table across from Eve. Teeny and I remained standing.

  “Thank you.” Miss May served herself a slice of pie. “It’s a family recipe, passed down over generations.”

  “Tastes like it.” Eve took another bite. “How do you get this crust so flaky?”

  Miss May smirked. “Lots and lots and lots and lots of butter.”

  Eve nodded and ate in silence for a few seconds. Then she took a sip of coffee and looked up at Miss May. “So what? You want a list of Todd’s enemies? Something like that?”

  “That would be great.”

  “The guy made enemies everywhere he went. Each time I saw him, he had a new story of someone who had ticked him off and a new name to add to the long list of people he had threatened to kill or maim or put out of business. There was Sal, the deli guy. That was a more recent one. Sal gave Todd low-sodium turkey instead of regular turkey. Todd freaked out when he saw that. Tried to get Sal fired for his mistake. Poor Sal had just run out of regular turkey. And there was no one to fire him because it’s Sal’s deli. Let’s see, who else? Oh. Todd and the mailman hated each other. But that was more of a quiet, simmering feud. The mailman left our packages down by the mailbox but Todd always wanted them to be brought to the door. So Todd moved our mailbox all the way up to the porch a few weeks ago. The mailman didn’t like that. Just started dropping loose mail at the end of the driveway like he was delivering newspapers. I moved the mailbox back after my PEOPLE magazine got ruined in the mud. Todd was a stubborn guy. Stubborn guys make enemies.”

  “I know the type,” said Miss May. “But I like to consider them prideful, almost in a good way. It’s nice when someone has the guts to demand what they want and stick up for themselves, you know?”

  I wasn’t sure if Miss May was trying to play into Eve’s hand or if my aunt was subtly defending her own stubborn streak.

  Eve shook her head. “That’s not what it was with Todd. He was a jerk, plain and clear.”

  “I see,” said Miss May. “I wonder if there were any enemies of Todd’s that felt more personal. The deli guy and the mailman are good examples of enemies. But the disputes between Todd and those men don’t sound like they were life or death. Did he have any scorned business partners? Any estranged family members? Anything like that? How was his relationship with your children, Buddy and Amber? Was he stubborn with them, too?”

  Eve narrowed her eyes. “Why are you asking about my kids? Those are my kids! Don’t start messing with my children.”

  “I’m just asking. Sorry. Stupid question.”

  “Oh you think it’s stupid to accuse someone’s children of murder?” said Eve. “Imagine that.”

  “I don’t think she was accusing your kids,” I said. “I think she was maybe wondering—”

  Eve stood up and pushed her chair back with a screech. “No. We’re done here. I don’t want to hear anything more from the three of you.”

  “I barely said anything this whole time,” said Teeny, her voice just above a whisper.

  “I don’t care. I don’t like any of you. And I was right not to trust you.” Eve crossed to the front door, opened it and pointed outside. “Get out. Now.”

  26

  Every Vote Matters

  “Three grilled cheeses, three fries, three sodas, one cup of sprinkles. Ready at the window.”

  Teeny jumped up from her seat and hurried to the food. We were at our favorite roadside burger shack, Ewing’s Eats, for an early dinner and conversation about Eve. We had all agreed on Ewing’s because it was off the highway near Eve’s place. Ewing’s had the best fries. And they always gave Teeny her cup of sprinkles with no questions asked.

  There was a commotion at the pickup window. I looked over and Teeny was arguing with the proprietor of the restaurant, an African-American man named Patrick Ewing.

  “I can’t vote for you, Teeny,” said Patrick. “I’ve got my own restaurant, remember? You’re about to eat my food, right now. And I make the best burger in town, you said it yourself.”

  “Well, yeah,” said Teeny. “Your burgers are incredible. They’re better than mine. But I still don’t understand why you can’t vote for me. You’re one of my most loyal customers.”

  Patrick laughed. “I’ve got my own restaurant. Are you voting for me?”

  “Well, no. But this is real important to me,” said Teeny. “I want bragging rights. Come on, Patrick. You know how much I like to brag.”

  “How about this? I’ll vote for you this year if you promise to vote for me next year.”

  “I can’t do that,” said Teeny. “I can’t give up my opportunity to be the reigning champion of all restaurants in Pine Grove, two years in a row.”


  Patrick laughed and shoved the tray of food into Teeny’s hands. “Go eat your food, you sprinkle fiend.”

  “I will. And you just think about voting for me. If you start to fill out your ballot, and your mind conjures an image of my beautiful, smiling face and you feel that it’s the right thing to do… Just do it. Cast your vote for Grandma’s and Miss May will give you a free slice of pie from the orchard.”

  Patrick called over to Miss May. “So you’re in on this too?”

  “Sorry, Patrick. She got to me first.”

  “And we’re best friends,” said Teeny. “So there’s that.”

  Teeny sat our food down on our little picnic table and we each grabbed our trays and started to eat. Want to know what made Patrick’s fries special? Everything.

  They were made from real shoestring potatoes, they were perfectly crispy on the outside, and the insides were soft and velvety smooth.

  I order my fries with “the works,” which meant they came with cheese, Ewing’s special sauce, and caramelized onions.

  Have you ever had caramelized onions on fries? If not, I’d highly recommend you try them. I think it’s a California-style thing. Once I visited Los Angeles and that’s how the ‘animal fries’ came at In N’ Out, the famous burger chain over there. Reminded me of Ewing’s Eats but not as good. Besides, if you want anything done right at In N’ Out, you have to order in a secret, special way. Well-done fries. Extra spread on the side. It’s too much to worry about. Patrick does everything right without any special order required. I like that.

  Anyway, I carefully crafted a perfect fry bite and popped it into my mouth. I smiled as the flavors melted together in my mouth. “These fries are pretty good, Teeny. You might have some competition here.”

  Teeny hung her head. “I know. These fries! These sandwiches! And his burgers too! It’s all dangerous. But if Patrick wins I’ll be happy for him.”

  Miss May chuckled as she ate a handful of fries. “You will not.”

  “Well I’ll do my best. I’ll be devastated. And furious. But eventually, maybe a little happy.”

  As we ate, Teeny, Miss May, and I processed what had happened back at Eve’s. I told Teeny and Miss May all about my encounter with Eve in the hallway and in the bedroom. Neither of them seemed surprised to hear about Todd and Eve’s marital troubles, nor do they seem surprised to hear that Eve had been living out of a suitcase. But both Teeny’s and Miss May’s eyes widened when I mentioned that the police had officially declared that Todd’s death was a murder by way of poison.

  “I can’t believe Wayne has that kind of valuable information and he’s not sharing it with us,” said Teeny.

  “He never shares information with us,” said Miss May, sipping her soda, “unless Chelsea uses her feminine wiles, that is.”

  I groaned. Over our past few investigations Miss May and Teeny had gotten hung up on me and my ‘feminine wiles.’ Frankly, they had gotten hung on their own feminine wiles as well. The two of them seemed to think that as a group we should be using our seductive mystique to elicit confessions and solve mysteries more quickly. I wasn’t convinced any of the three of us had any feminine wiles of which to speak, although I could admit I had gotten some valuable information from Wayne…perhaps thanks to some heavy eye contact or a well-placed giggle.

  “Anything Wayne tells me comes from pure luck,” I said. “It all depends on his mood.”

  Miss May shook her head. “You don’t believe that, Chelsea. The guy is your boyfriend, for goodness sake! He already loves your wiles and it’s public knowledge.”

  “We’re not technically boyfriend and girlfriend,” I said. “Those words feel weird to me anyway. We’re…old. I’m not a girl and he’s not a boy. If anything, he would be my man-friend or maybe my gentleman partner.”

  Teeny scrunched up her nose. “Gentlemen partner sounds weird. I hate it. And man-friend is straight-up disturbing. He’s your boyfriend, whether you like it or not.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Whatever,” said Miss May. “It would be good if the handsome detective with whom you’ve gone on several dates would share more information with us, but we cannot force him to do so. Chelsea, if you’d like to employ your feminine wiles at any point in the service of bringing justice to Pine Grove, please do not hesitate. In the meanwhile, we need to have the confidence that we can solve any case without help from the police.”

  “As we have many times before,” I said.

  “It’s easier with feminine wiles,” said Teeny.

  “Anyway,” I said, eating another few fries, “Eve revealed that Todd had been poisoned. We had already assumed that so it’s not a huge revelation. But—"

  “Hey girls.” A happy voice rang out from behind us. My Aunt DeeDee approached from the parking lot, smiling and waving. “Beautiful evening, isn’t it? I tell you, I started my day with a run through the forest and I’ve been feeling on cloud nine ever since. My yoga session this afternoon was so easy and fluid. All the energies are aligned. Haven’t you been feeling that way?”

  DeeDee, although she was Miss May’s sister, was not much like Miss May. I had never seen Miss May touch her toes, let alone do yoga, for one thing. And where Miss May was logical, blunt and practical, DeeDee was more…loose and flowy. DeeDee had played a role in prior investigations, as had her daughter, my cousin Maggie. DeeDee and Miss May sometimes had a contentious relationship but they loved each other and always had each other’s backs.

  “Hey Dee.” Miss May stood and hugged her sister. Teeny and I waved but didn’t stand, not willing to separate ourselves from our fries.

  “I’m surprised to see you here,” said Miss May. “Did Patrick start selling a kale green juice?”

  DeeDee threw her head back and laughed for a bit too long. “I’m taking a break from eating healthy to have a cheeseburger every day this week.”

  Teeny pointed at DeeDee. “I like the way you think. You know, we sell cheeseburgers over at Grandma’s, too.”

  “I know. And your burgers are good. But the way Patrick does those caramelized onions is so amazing. Hard to replicate. Best in Pine Grove.”

  Teeny sat up straight. “What do you mean best in Pine Grove? Have you voted? Who did you vote for in the restaurant category?”

  DeeDee mimed like she was zipping her lips. “Can’t say.”

  “Dee. You voted for me. Tell me you voted for me.”

  DeeDee rolled her eyes. “Sure, Teeny. I voted for you.”

  “Great! Wait. Are you telling the truth? Or are you saying that just to get me off your back?”

  Patrick leaned out the window of his little burger shack. “Double burger, extra cheese, extra onions, extra sauce, extra fries. Ready at the window.”

  DeeDee grinned in anticipation. “That’s me. I called ahead.”

  “Wow,” I said. “Double everything. I like that.”

  “It’s important to feed your body what it desires intuitively,” said Dee Dee. “Anyway, what’s up with the three of you?”

  Me, Teeny, and Miss May all started talking at once, making excuses about why we were meeting at Ewing’s, all pretending we weren’t there to discuss the case.

  “I see,” said DeeDee. “You’re here to discuss a case. No worries. I don’t mean to pry. It was good to see you girls.”

  “Tell Maggie we said hi,” said Miss May. “Is she still working at the library?”

  “Yes. And she’s loving it. Stop by and see her sometime.”

  The three of us watched as DeeDee crossed to the window, then hurried back to her car to eat.

  “That girl is in amazing shape for someone who eats a cheeseburger every day,” said Teeny. “Maybe I should try that diet.”

  “Pair that cheeseburger with running and yoga and you’ll do great,” said Miss May. “But I think you’re perfect just the way you are.”

  “Good answer,” said Teeny. “Now what else can we say about Eve? Our assumptions about Todd’s murder and cause of d
eath were confirmed. But that’s nothing new.”

  “Right,” I said. “And we know that women are more likely to murder with poison than men. So I’m still stuck on Eve. She got weird about the cops, she seemed unstable, and her behavior was erratic and threatening.”

  “When you put it that way it sounds like she’s our killer,” said Teeny.

  “Did she provide even the hint of an alibi?” Miss May asked.

  I shook my head. “No. Unless you count immense denial as an alibi. Although from where I’m sitting that kind of denial almost seems like the opposite of an alibi. What do they say about Judas protesting too much?”

  “Basically that he protested too much,” said Miss May. “That’s a good point. I just wish we had more information about this Todd guy. But he seems to be a hard man to get to know, particularly after his death.”

  Teeny perked up. “Maybe we can learn something from his planner.”

  Miss May turned to Teeny. “What do you mean?”

  Teeny’s jaw dropped. “Oh. Right. I never told you ladies.” Teeny pulled a small notebook from her purse and placed it on the table. “I grabbed Todd’s planner from that pile of free stuff in the driveway.”

  27

  The Village People

  Miss May, Teeny, and I reviewed Todd’s planner as we finished our sandwiches, fries, and sprinkles. The planner was almost completely empty but it did hold a single clue. Todd had a standing appointment at the Washington Villages retirement community every Thursday at 5 PM.

  After some back and forth, during which Teeny tried to convince us that Todd might be a Russian spy, we decided that the guy must have had a mom or another relative who lived at the villages. Todd didn’t seem like he was the type of guy that made many friends. And he clearly had a horrible relationship with his wife and children. So we concluded that the person with whom Todd had his weekly meeting at Washington Villages might have been his only friend and confidante.