by Zoey Gong
“You’re wrong,” I tell Fenfeng, and I think my words shock her. I’ve never been brave enough to stand up to her before. “Perhaps I didn’t know that I would return, but I did. You are the one who hurt the girls by letting them lose hope. By letting them think that I had abandoned and forgotten them.”
“I did what was best for them,” Fenfeng says.
“You did what was best for you,” I say. “You wanted them to lose hope. You wanted them to think that you were the only woman in the world who loved and cared for them. You don’t love them. You don’t know what it means to love. You only love yourself.”
Fenfeng’s face twists in rage, her teeth grinding, her eyes hard. Her nostrils flare and I think I hear her growl. I brace myself for the coming barrage of hateful words, but slowly, her face relaxes. She leans back and stretches her neck, a sense of calm washing over her. Then she laughs.
“You always were a foolish child,” she says, and I hear her servants snicker all around me. I feel terribly embarrassed and wish only to run away.
“You have only every play-acted at being empress,” Fenfeng goes on. “You have no idea what it truly means to be the mother of an emperor. The wife of an emperor. To raise princesses. To have the fate of an empire resting on your shoulders.
“You speak of love as if it is the only emotion that matters. You forget that duty, honor, and loyalty are far more important. Love is fleeting. Love is weak. Love dies. Love means nothing.” She sneers at me. “You will never be a real empress.”
“The emperor would disagree with you,” I say.
“I’ve outlived three emperors,” she says with a smirk, “and I’m not going anywhere.”
“We’ll see about that,” is all I can think to say. An empty threat, I know. Honghui has no intention of sending her away. And if I were to ask him to do so, I do not know how he would react. By marrying me, he has already taken a great risk at bucking tradition. I do not think he would go further by ousting his mother figure.
There is nothing more I can think to say to the woman, so I turn and leave her courtyard. I can hear the empress, and all her servants, laugh boisterously as I exit. Soon, all of the Forbidden City will know that I made a fool of myself before the dowager empress. I should have known better than attempt to confront her. She is smarter than me. Older. Wiser. And far more dangerous.
I had thought that I was safe in my new position, but I could be in more danger than ever before.
11
By the time I finally make it back to my palace, the little princesses, Jiangfei and Dongmei, are there waiting for me. I open my arms as I go to them, expecting us to be reunited in a loving hug. But the girls seem altogether uninterested in my presence. They do not come toward me, nor do they hug me back when I take them into my arms.
It has only been six months since I last saw them, but they both now seem so much older than their five and seven years of age. Dongmei seems especially sullen, hardly looking me in the face when I speak to her. Jiangfei looks at me with both fear and longing, as though she is afraid to love me because I will abandon her again.
I have no plans to ever leave them again, but I did not want to leave them in the past either. I do not believe anyone can foretell the future perfectly. Who knows what may happen tomorrow?
“Dongmei, Jiangfei,” I say, kneeling down so that l can look them in the eyes and they can see my sincerity. “I am so sorry that I was away for so long. I missed you so much.”
The girls shift uncomfortably on their feet and say nothing.
“I understand if you are angry with me,” I try. “I promised you that I would never leave you, but I did. It wasn’t my choice to go, but I still abandoned you. I’m so sorry for that, and I will do my best to make it up to you.”
“So…you are staying this time?” Jiangfei tentatively asks.
Dongmei shoots her an angry look, and I wonder if the girls made some sort of secret agreement ahead of time to not speak to me.
“Your uncle, Honghui, is the emperor now,” I say, even though they already know this much. “He has chosen me to be his empress. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’ve been the empress before,” Dongmei says. “You were Baba’s empress. But he sent you away. Emperor Honghui could do the same thing.”
Dongmei was always so smart. I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t figured out the whole truth about me yet. Unfortunately, her wide eyes have shown her ugly truths about the world that would be better left unseen.
“You are right,” I say to her. “Being empress does not mean I can’t possibly be sent away again.”
Jiangfei sniffles and wipes at her eyes with her sleeves.
“I’m sorry,” I say, growing frustrated with myself. “I’m saying everything wrong. I only mean that nothing in this world is certain. But I am going to do everything within my power to stay right here in the Forbidden City for the rest of my life. That, at least, I can promise you.”
I wait anxiously for their response, hoping that they will find it in their hearts to forgive me and snuggle into my arms. But they only look at each other for a moment, and then Dongmei shrugs, as if the two of them are having a silent conversation.
“May we go now?” Dongmei asks me. “I have a painting lesson.”
I feel as though my heart is struck through with an arrow. It takes all my willpower to not cry, to beg for their forgiveness. Instead, I nod, chewing on my lower lip to try and keep myself steady.
“Of course,” I manage to choke out, but it is little more than a whisper. Both girls then turn away and are escorted back to their own palace. I stand and the tears I had been holding back flow freely as soon as they are out of sight. Nuwa puts her arms around my shoulders to comfort me.
“They are never going to forgive me,” I sob.
“Of course they will,” Nuwa says, pulling out an embroidered handkerchief and dabbing at my face with it. “Just give them time.
I nod and let her lead me inside the palace. My stomach rumbles at the smells wafting from my private kitchen. I eat and fill up much too quickly, leaving countless bowls of food untouched. Then, Nuwa draws me a bath. I am embarrassed by how filthy the water becomes, gray as mud. I fear that not all the dirt has come from days on the road, but from months of not being able to completely wash myself. She has to gently pick out all the knots that have formed in my hair. After what feels like hours, I am washed, oiled, and perfumed, and I feel like a different person. I feel like an empress.
At the appointed time, I undress and my eunuchs wrap me in a thick blanket. They hoist me onto their shoulders and carry me to Emperor Honghui’s palace. When Honghui unwraps my face, he laughs.
“What are you doing? he asks.
“I told you. I wanted everything done properly.”
He sighs and shakes his head. “I cannot believe that something so silly is the proper way to do a thing.”
“Well, it is to keep you safe,” I say. “To make sure I’m not hiding any weapons in my robe. At least, that is what I have been told.”
“Hm. I wonder if something like that ever happened, that a consort or concubine tried to kill an emperor.”
“It would be a very foolish thing to do,” I say. “But it is you who are the emperor now. You are the person who makes the rules now.”
“Hmm, I rather like the sound of that. Very well, from now on, the empress does not have to come to me naked. You can be dressed and come in a sedan chair.”
“Are you sure?” I ask teasingly. “It could help things—” I reach out of the blanket and run a finger down the front of this yellow robe. “—progress more quickly.”
Honghui takes my hand and kisses the tips of my fingers. “I rather like the idea of undressing you myself.”
I blush, suddenly feeling self-conscious. But also does my desire for this man—for my husband—grow. While this is not the first time we have been together, it has been a long time since we last did so. When I was a mere concubine, I cared not wh
at would happen to me if the prince and I had been caught together. But as my position grew, so did the danger. For a brief moment, I wonder if I have even forgotten how to make love to a man of my choosing. How to truly enjoy the act and not just put on a show of pleasure for the other person’s sake.
But as Honghui and I begin to kiss and touch, I remember that making love is not something someone knows how to do, but feels how to do. Our bodies come together easily, fluidly, pleasurably.
“I have another decree,” Honghui says after, as we linger naked in each other’s arms.
“Hmm?” I ask, still lost in the drifting moments after lovemaking that leave your mind dizzy, as if drunk.
“When the empress comes to my bed chamber, she must stay with me until morning.”
I sigh and snuggle even more tightly under his arm. “Whatever you wish, your majesty.”
“And what is it you would wish of me, my empress?” he asks, running his fingers through my hair.
I am suddenly awake, my mind racing. Is this my moment? My chance to tell him the truth and beg his forgiveness? I lift my head and look into his face and see a man who is deliriously happy. To him, the question was nothing more than a love game. I have no desire to ruin this happiness with the truth now.
“Just…always think well of me,” I say, laying my head back on his chest. “I always tried to do the right thing.”
“Hmm…” He sighs, and I realize he is almost asleep. His hand slowly stops petting my chair before it falls to the mattress.
I realize that even though we have been intimate together many times, this is the first time we will sleep together. How I wish I could luxuriate in that knowledge as easily as Honghui can. Ever since I first came to the Forbidden City, this is the safest, most secure, and happiest I have been. Can I not just be happy?
Perhaps I am simply overanxious. This feeling is so very new to me, it will take time for me to get used to it. It will take time for Dongmei and Jiangfei to trust me again. Everything will simply take time. And for once, I have that time. There is no reason to rush. Everything will happen when it should.
It is time for me to learn to be content.
12
Is there anything more strange than choosing the women who shall share your husband’s bed?
I don’t consider myself a jealous woman. It is normal for a family that can afford it to consist of as many concubines as possible so that a man can have many sons. But I suppose I just don’t like to think about the details. Who Honghui chooses to take to his bed is not my concern. But as the empress during a consort selection, who is selected is my concern. It is my job to help choose young ladies who I think will please my husband, and that makes me…uncomfortable, to say the least. But I have no choice. I am the empress and must do my duty.
“I have one request,” I tell him before we take our places for the selection process.
“Name it,” Honghui says without hesitation.
“Yanmei,” I say. “Make her a consort again, as you have with me. She is still young, and I would like to see her become a mother one day.”
“It is done,” he says, kissing the back of my hand. He then waves a eunuch over. “Appoint Lady Yanmei a rank three concubine.”
“Immediately, your majesty!” the eunuch says before shuffling off to make the announcement and shower Yanmei with gifts. I wish I could be there to see the look on her face, but the ladies who have made it through all the initial rounds of the selection process are already waiting for us in the Hall of Splendid Beauty.
Emperor Honghui takes his place in the center of the room. I sit to one side of him, and Empress-Dowager Fenfeng takes her place on the other side. Honghui and I pay her no attention. When Guozhi was emperor, he valued his mother’s input in his consort selection. Honghui cares not what she thinks, so her presence is a mere formality. Once we are seated, two heavy curtains are drawn and six girls are paraded in front of us. They kowtow and then sit on their knees, their eyes downcast.
My heart races at the sight. Memories of my own selection process flood my mind and I feel nauseous. How afraid I was. How I dreaded being chosen. Even though I love Honghui, I cannot say that I am glad I was chosen that day. Had I been allowed to leave, to return to my family, I am sure I would have been able to find contentment, if not happiness, elsewhere. At least I wouldn’t have been separated from my family.
I look from the corner of my eye at Honghui, and I can see that he is trying to suppress a smile. He can’t help it. All these pretty young ladies are here for his pleasure. If he wanted to claim all of them for himself, he could. But he has agreed to choose no more than ten ladies, for my sake. Not because I am jealous, but because I don’t think any more are necessary. I hate how wasteful the court is and would see our money put to better use. So Honghui must choose carefully.
Honghui must have felt me looking at him as he meets my gaze. He takes my hand in his reassuringly.
“What do you think, my love?” he asks me. I remember that I am supposed to be looking at the women, not him. So, I turn my eyes back to the girls—as some of them cannot be more than thirteen—and try to decide who I should pick.
But my eyes fall from their faces to their hands. They are all beautiful, naturally. They have been through many rounds of the selection process already. These girls are the most beautiful, the most elegant, the most cultured that China has to offer. If I were to choose girls based on their pretty faces, it would make no difference.
Instead, I try to discern who wants to be chosen. One young lady has twisted her hands in her gown so tightly, her knuckles are white. Another is shaking so hard, the flowers in her hair flutter. Another girl chews her lower lip and looks near to tears. I dismiss all these girls out of hand. Of the three who are left, I ask them their names and the names of their fathers. One girl is so nervous, she cannot even say her own name. The last two, though, speak clearly and confidently. I nod my consent to Honghui.
Honghui smiles and accepts both girls. The girls kowtow again and are led away to the inner court where they will be taken to their new lives. Another positive to choosing fewer consorts is that they are each given their own palace. And I intend to make all the ladies rank four consorts, giving them more money and privileges than if they were rank five or six. The least I can do is make their lives as comfortable as possible.
The next group of six ladies is brought in, and we go through the same process. Honghui allows me to narrow the selection down to two or three possibilities, then he takes his choice. I breathe a sigh of relief when Fiyanggu, the chief eunuch for household affairs, tells us that the last group of ladies is about to be brought in. The process has gone smoother than I expected. The girls are brought in and I only scan their faces, as I have done all the others, but when I see the very last girl, I gasp. Had I been standing, I would have collapsed. I put my hand to my mouth to keep from crying out loud.
It’s Lihua.
The real Lihua. The girl whose place I took at the selection process all those many months ago. Or was it years? I seem to have lost all track of time along with the rest of my senses.
“What’s wrong?” Honghui asks, but I can only shake my head. For a moment, I think I must have made a mistake. It can’t be Lihua…can it? How could she be here? Why would she be here? Why, when I sacrificed so much to take her place, would she be here now?
“N-n-nothing,” I finally say. “I’m only relieved that we will soon be finished.”
Honghui stretches his back and neck. “Indeed. But I have one selection left, you promised.”
“Yes, of course,” I say, growing more confident in my surety that the girl I saw could not have been Lihua. But when I look at the girls again, she is staring right at me! It must be her. Only Lihua would dare to look her empress in the face. And it is such a familiar face. The face that got me into all this trouble in the first place.
We are hardly identical, but the similarities are clear. Especially now, with us both dressed in ou
r finest, we could easily be mistaken for sisters.
“Daiyu?” Honghui says, looking at me.
“Yes?” I say.
He raises his eyebrow in question. “Are you going to speak to them?”
“Oh, right,” I say. I forgot that I had been sort of taking the lead by helping narrow down the selection. I go down the row, dismissing two girls easily, and then two more when they cannot tell me their names. When I get to Lihua, she answers my questions without hesitation.
“I am Liling, daughter of Huizhong, your majesty,” she says, looking at me once again. We stare at each other for a moment. If I did not know who she was, I would assume she wanted to be chosen based on her confidence. But Lihua didn’t want to be chosen when I knew her. That was how I knew her, because she needed someone to take her place.
Well, I suppose it was all Mingxia’s doing. Mingxia found me. Mingxia bought me. Mingxia lied to me. Mingxia did whatever it took to ensure that I would take her daughter’s place in the Forbidden City. Lihua on the other hand… I always did wonder how she felt about the whole thing. She had once accused me of stealing her life. Could it be that she wanted to attend the selection? She wanted a chance to be chosen? She wanted to be a consort?
She wanted to be empress.
Our eyes meet, and she nods at me so imperceptibly that I am sure no one else saw it, but in that minuscule movement, she tells me everything I need to know. She wants to be chosen.
But this is so dangerous! Is she not afraid of being caught? Is she not worried that people will ask questions? I should send her away. I can’t let her ruin the life I’ve built here. But I think she must know what I am pondering. She hardens her gaze as a warning. If I don’t ensure that she is chosen, she will expose me.
“This girl looks like you, Daiyu,” Honghui says, interrupting my thoughts.
“What?” I say stupidly.
“This one—” he repeats, pointing at Lihua…or Liling, I suppose. “She looks very much like you.”
