by Zoey Gong
Fenfeng enters the palace in full regalia, her finest gown, her tallest headdress, the total of her household trailing behind her. I am not sure if she means to intimidate me or honor me. The fact that she did not announce her visit makes me think intimidation is her intention. She did not give me the opportunity to prepare myself or my home for her arrival. But I have no reason to be afraid of her, so I suppress any insecurity I feel as deep and low in my stomach as possible.
“Your majesty,” the dowager empress says as she kneels before me. I give her a polite bow back.
“Mother,” I say. “To what do I owe this visit?”
“I wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy,” she says. “And I have brought gifts.” She motions to a servant who brings forth an adorable pair of embroidered tiger shoes fit for a prince on a red pillow. Another servant then brings a pillow piled high with gold and jade jewelry.
“Thank you, Mother,” I say. “This was unnecessary, but I thank you all the same. I am sure my son will look beautiful in such decorations.”
“I know I already congratulated you privately,” she says, and she had. After I told Honghui the happy news, the pregnancy was announced throughout the Forbidden City, and the next morning during greetings, Fenfeng expressed her joy at the news, and I accepted her congratulations graciously. She would, technically, be the baby’s grandmother, after all. Though I have no plans to ever let the woman anywhere near my baby. I wish I could keep her away from Jiangfei and Dongmei completely, but, unfortunately, the girls are somewhat fond of their grandmother. While I have come and gone from their lives over and over again, Fenfeng has been a constant, steady presence.
“But I wanted to publicly declare my love for you and the prince you carry,” Fenfeng goes on. “The future of the Qing Dynasty rests within you.”
I instinctively wrap my arms around my stomach. Her words, and even her tone, seem kind and genuine. And yet, there is something in her words that set me on edge. That sound a warning in the back of my mind. Of course, if I were to say anything or reject her words, I would look paranoid. So, I can do nothing but bow my head and thank her for her gifts.
“Your words are appreciated and noted,” I say. There is an awkward silence. I have nothing more to say to her and am unsure as to why she came at all. She says it was to make her congratulations public, but it was hardly necessary.
“I also wanted to inform you that I am in need of a new lady-in-waiting,” she finally says. “One of my girls has decided to abandon me to get married, the selfish thing. I thought it best to choose a new one from among my son’s wives so as to ensure that she will never leave me.”
I can feel the ladies, the concubines, around me shift on their feet and mutter to one another under their breath. But as they are all behind me, I cannot see their expressions. I don’t know which girls would see this opportunity as an honor or a punishment. While I have insisted that the court be more frugal, my monetary policies do not apply to the dowager empress, and she still has a huge allowance which she uses to pay her servants, including her ladies, generously. But she is also known to be an exacting mistress, expecting nothing less than perfection from those who serve her. While Guozhi was still alive, I am sure there were more benefits to serving her, as she had the emperor’s ear. But now that Honghui is emperor, I am not sure serving the dowager empress would raise any girl in his estimation. But if she wants a servant from among the ladies, there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot deny her.
My first thought is that she has come to claim Yanmei. It is well-known that Yanmei is not only my lady, but my dear friend. If Fenfeng was to take Yanmei from me, I am not sure what I would do. I would have to deny her, which would make me look like an unfilial daughter and could hurt my reputation, as the story would certainly spread beyond the inner court, and perhaps even beyond the red walls of the Forbidden City.
“The Lady Liling has made a very favorable impression on me,” Fenfeng says. “It is she I would like to take into my own household.”
A warning rattles around in my head so loudly, I have to put my hands to my ears to block out the noise. But it does no good as the sound is coming from inside. Liling? She means Lihua. Fenfeng wants Lihua? I think back to the conversation Fenfeng and I had after the consort selection. She knew that there was something going on with me and Lihua. She didn’t know what, but Lihua and I clearly knew each other, yet we pretended that we didn’t. Does Fenfeng know the truth about us? Surely not. If she did, she would have done something about it already. A Han Chinese among the emperor’s concubines? A Han Chinese empress? If such a thing were to be discovered, I would be arrested immediately, and Honghui would not be able to save me.
No, Fenfeng does not know—yet. Perhaps she hopes to pull Lihua into her confidence. To lure the truth out of her.
“My lady!” Lihua says, dropping to her knees. “This is such an honor! I cannot believe you have ever taken notice of me, much less thought favorably me.”
My mouth goes dry. Lihua must know that the dangers around us are a hundredfold if we are separated. If we cannot confer with one another and each know what the other is doing. of course she does. Lihua is not stupid. She is, in fact, far smarter than I am. Could she have planned this? Has she already been speaking with Fenfeng and I didn’t know? It is possible, I suppose. I can hardly watch everything that is going on in a home as large as this.
Everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to consent to Fenfeng’s “request.” It is only a request in formality. Normally, I would never imagine denying such a request from my mother-in-law. Whatever she desires, it is my job to supply. And while I would be willing to risk denying her if she had requested Yanmei, I am not sure I can do so for Lihua. Everyone knows that Yanmei is like a sister to me, and for Fenfeng to try and take her away would be seen a spiteful. Such a disagreement between a woman and her mother-in-law would make us both look bad. But Lihua… If I were to fight Fenfeng for her, it would arouse even more suspicion. I have made Lihua one of my own ladies-in-waiting, but it must be clear to all those around us that we are not particularly close. People still seem confused as to why I pushed to have her selected as a concubine in the first place. If I were to deny Fenfeng this seemingly small request, far too many people would then want to know why. And I do not want anyone digging into my past to try and find some connection between us.
“Of course,” I say, forcing a sweet smile. “What an honor for dear Liling.”
“Thank you, your majesty,” Lihua says, giving me a bow before going to stand behind Fenfeng.
“I’ll see you again soon, my dear,” Fenfeng says to me as she turns to leave. “I want to make sure that the mother of my grandson is having only the best care.”
“My ladies and maids are doing an excellent job of taking care of me,” I say. “I’ll employ a midwife of my own choosing when the time for the birth grows nearer.”
“Of course,” Fenfeng says with a bow. “Good day, your majesty.”
“Good day, Mother,” I say, glad to see the back of her.
Everyone, from ladies to maids to Jiangfei and Dongmei, let out sighs of relief as Fenfeng leaves my courtyard. I think everyone expected that to go much more worse than it had.
“Good riddance,” Yanmei mutters in my ear, and I know she is referring to Lihua no longer being part of our household. Indeed, I wish I could relish in being free of her. But I cannot help but feel that there is something far more sinister at play in what just happened.
What are Fenfeng and Lihua up to?
17
An autumn storm rages outside my palace. It has been raining for days, soaking the ground and keeping all of us trapped inside. But instead of the weather gradually getting better, it seems to only be getting worse. It is nearing nighttime, but it is as if the sun never rose today. I can only count the time by the bells that are struck by eunuchs each hour. I am sitting silently near a brazier with Yanmei and a couple of other ladies nearby. It is too dark to do embroi
dery or paint. One of the girls, though, is skilled on the erhu, so even in the dark, she can play beautifully. The somber tunes that drift from the instrument to our ears are suitable to the dark and melancholy weather. And they match my mood as well.
I am nearly four months pregnant, but I’m starting to think that something is wrong. I have no gained weight, nor do I have any of the other supposed signs of pregnancy. No nausea, no tiredness. I do not feel as if a prince is growing in my belly, or even a princess for that matter. Everyone is flitting around me, making me comfortable, treating me as if I am a delicate vase that might break. I play along because I know that helping prepare for a baby’s birth brings them joy. Indeed, I have enjoyed embroidering little shirts and pants, thinking about where the baby will sleep, and imagining how much my life will change when there is a little one to take care of. I think that having this baby might help fill the gaping hole in my heart where my sisters used to be. For the younger ones, like Junli and Huanji, I was almost like a second mother to them. I have done my best to be a mother to Jiangfei and Dongmei, but I have made so many mistakes, been away from them so often, they have had a difficult time accepting me as their mother. Jiangfei seems to be slowly learning to trust me again, but Dongmei… I don’t know. I can only hope things will get better with time.
But a new baby, one of my own, one I can raise from birth, is a new chance for me to have a family again. Of course, Honghui is my husband, and Yanmei is as a sister to me. But a baby, even a girl, would help bind us together in a very real and permanent way. I truly believe that a baby will give me the security I haven’t felt since I first left my family’s home. I do not believe that even Lihua could undermine me if I give Honghui the child he so desperately needs.
“Enough,” I say, and the girl playing the erhu stops immediately. “I’m sorry, but I’m tired. Please leave me.”
“Of course, your majesty,” the ladies say as they stand and bow their way out of the room.
“Yanmei, you may stay,” I say.
“Certainly,” she says. “I hardly want to try and make it back to my palace in this downpour.”
I feel sort of bad for sending the other girls away. They will certainly be soaked before they even reach the edge of my courtyard, much less back to their own palaces. But I need to be alone.
“Are you feeling all right, your majesty?” Nuwa asks me. “Can I fetch you anything? Or even a doctor, perhaps?”
“I’m fine,” I tell her. “Just…unsettled.”
She nods knowingly. She too has noticed my lack of pregnancy symptoms. She tries to tell me that everything is fine. That some women don’t even know they are pregnant before going into labor. I’m not sure I believe that, though. I saw my mother through enough pregnancies to know the signs and what to expect. I can’t tell Nuwa that, though, so I have to pretend to rely on her expertise.
“Why don’t you go have your supper,” I tell Nuwa. “I’ll be fine with Yanmei.”
“Of course, my lady,” Nuwa says, bowing her way out of the room and closing the door behind her.
“Are you really all right?” Yanmei asks me.
“Why do you ask?”
“You just seem to be carrying a very heavy burden on your mind,” she says. I feel a pain pluck at my heart and I have to turn away, stare out the window at the rain as it pools in the courtyard.
“I’ve been thinking about Empress Caihong a lot lately,” I say.
Yanmei nods and sits on a nearby chair. “I understand. She was the last empress to be pregnant, after all.”
“Before she died, she had a dream, a nightmare. One in which she saw herself and her baby. They were robed in white.”
Yanmei sucks in a breath. “Dear me.”
I nod. “I tried to tell her not to worry. That it was just a dream and there was no meaning in it. That she was only feeling guilty over what happened to Lady An. But she believed it was a message from the gods, a warning. She thought that the gods were going to demand her life and the life of her child for her sins.”
“That poor woman,” Yanmei says, wiping a tear from her cheek. “She was a good empress, a kind lady. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. She had nothing to do with Lady An’s fate.”
“I know,” I say. “And that is what I told her. And I believed it…up until the moment she died.”
“Oh…Daiyu,” Yanmei says.
“As she died, her thoughts were of Lady An. She didn’t say as much, but I think she thought the dream had come true. At least she died thinking the baby had lived. If she had known that the baby had died as well…” I shudder. “I am sure her spirit would never be able to rest.”
“Hopefully they are together, wherever they are,” Yanmei says.
The sky lights up, revealing only dark clouds overhead as far as the eye can see. The thunder that follows is gentle and rolling, as if from far away. I have a feeling the storm is still going to linger for some time. I run my hands over my flat stomach.
“Do you think there is any truth in it, though?” I ask. “That the gods might punish us and our unborn children for our past sins?”
“No,” Yanmei says, but there is no conviction in her voice. If I were not pregnant, I think she would have given a different answer. As it is, though, she is wanting to comfort me. And, of course, she doesn’t want to say anything negative, lest she accidentally lay a curse on me and the baby. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
I have to laugh at that. Yanmei has no idea the terrible things I’ve done. I cannot even say that my intentions were always good. When I slept with Honghui while Guozhi was still alive, I cared not that Guozhi would be hurt by my actions. Had I become pregnant, I would have let Guozhi think the baby was his and raise it as his own. Suyin died in my place. I did not speak up for Lady An even though I knew she was innocent.
I wonder for a moment about Empress Caihong. I liked her and thought she was a good woman. But is it possible that she held a world of dark secrets hidden within her heart? I suppose it’s possible. If the gods did enact some sort of horrible revenge on her, it could have been because of something else entirely unrelated to Lady An’s death. And of the gods killed her and her baby, could they not also do the same to me?
“Yanmei,” I say, doing my best to choke back tears, “you don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“Shh!” Yanmei says, rushing over to me. “Whatever it is, do not speak so loudly.”
“What?” I ask as she tries to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“You never know who might be listening,” she says, glancing at the door. Of course, she is right. I lower my voice.
“I have to tell you the truth,” I say. “It’s eating me up inside.”
Yanmei shakes her head. “You don’t need to tell me.”
“Do…do you know?” I ask. I don’t know how it could be possible, but I suppose Yanmei might have learned the truth about me somehow.
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “At least, not specifically. But I know you have secrets. I know that you…are not quite who you claim to be.”
“Just tell me,” I say. “What do you know? How do you know?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “It is just clear to me that you are not from a wealthy family. You are too…innocent.”
I chuckle at that. “Is that your kind way of calling me stupid?”
“No,” she says. “I would never say you are stupid. Stupid people cannot learn. But you always seemed very…ignorant of certain things. And it was clear that you never wanted to be here before. I was shocked when you agreed to marry Honghui. I thought you hated it here.”
“I did,” I say. “You were right about that. But Honghui and I… Well…”
“It is more than a political marriage, isn’t it?” Yanmei says. I can only nod. “Well, he did save your life. I can see why you would easily fall in love with him.”
I wish I could tell her more of the story. Tell her how we fell in love long before that.
That the reason he saved my life was because he was already in love with me. But if I tell her anymore, she would surely be upset with me.
“At least you are happy now, right?” she says.
“Yes,” I say. “Yes, I am happy. I think I could continue to be happy. But, oh, Yanmei, I’ve done something so terrible—”
“Does Liling know what it is?” Yanmei asks.
“Y-yes,” I say, surprised by how easily Yanmei is putting everything together. But I suppose I should not be so surprised. Yanmei has always been quite clever.
“Well, that explains a lot,” she says with a frustrated sigh. “She’s blackmailing you, isn’t she?”
“Sort of,” I say. “She and I, we are in this together. If she were to tell…what she knows about me, it would ruin her as well. But she is so devious, I have no doubt that she would fall on her own sword if it meant I would follow her.”
“I don’t know,” Yanmei says. “Granted, I don’t know Liling very well. Certainly not as well as you do. But she seems like a very selfish person to me. If what you say is true, then you have more power than you give yourself credit for. Liling will not risk the life she has here. Why, if she were to give Honghui a son, she could be made a rank-two consort! She could be the mother of the next emperor. No, she won’t risk that just to hurt you.”
I let out a brief sigh of relief. “Do you really think so?”
“I am certain,” she says with a smile. She takes my hand in hers and leads me to my bed chamber, ushering me to my bed. “Now, just rest, your majesty. You are under a lot of pressure and need to relax.”
“But Yanmei,” I say, holding tightly to her hand so she can’t leave me. “I really feel that I need to tell you—”
“Shh!” Yanmei says, putting a finger to my lips. “Sleep on it. I can see that it is worrying you. I wish you wouldn’t tell me. The more people who know…whatever it is, the greater risk to yourself. But you seem near to bursting. But try to sleep first. Tomorrow, if you still need to tell me, I will listen, okay?” I nod. “Okay.” I wish I could tell her now, get it over with. But there is wisdom in what she says. I am near to bursting. If I pour out my soul to her now, I may regret it in the morning. I already feel better for having talked to her. I’m sure she is right about Lihua putting her own well-being ahead of hurting me. Perhaps if I sleep soundly in this knowledge, I won’t feel such a strong need to tell her the whole truth when I wake up.
