by Zoey Gong
“I’ve been here more than a month,” Lihua says. “And I am a rank three consort, second only to you. There is no reason that girls of lower rank than me should be invited to the emperor’s bed when I am not. You’ve been summoned dozens of times.”
I bite my tongue to keep from informing her that she is not second to me. Yanmei is second to me. And since Honghui has already shown favor to some of the other girls, Lihua truly has no rank among the ladies of our small harem. But I don’t tell her this. For one thing, she should already know. She’s not stupid, and she understands social order better than I ever have. Secondly, it will only make her more angry if I point it out to her. She’s never been one to accept hard truths.
“I’m sorry that the emperor has not summoned you,” I say. “But the department of household affairs sets the emperor’s schedule for…evening activities. Have you spoken to your eunuch?”
“He wants me to pay a bribe for just the chance of being selected,” Lihua moans. “Nearly my entire monthly allowance!”
I have to nod knowingly. I remember when I was a concubine, I was told the same thing, that in order to be chosen, I would have to bribe certain members of the department of household affairs to encourage the emperor to select me. I never paid the bribe because I didn’t want to be selected. I didn’t want to stand out. I didn’t want to be noticed. Still, I inadvertently drew the emperor’s attention in other ways and quickly climbed the ranks until I was second only to the empress and then took her place when she died in childbirth.
“That is one way women get the emperor’s attention,” I say. “Though, I never did that. I found other ways to get his attention.”
“Am I supposed to find a way to save your life?” Lihua asks. “Is it not enough that I am the whole reason you are here at all.”
“Shh!” I say, stepping closer to her. “Stop talking about that. You are going to get us found out.”
“It’s true, though,” she says, stomping her foot. “You stole my life. You owe me.”
“I didn’t steal anything!” I say, finally losing control of myself. “I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be chosen. Your mother lied to me and trapped me here. She knew I was likely to be chosen based on your stupid birth chart. I didn’t steal your life—I was tricked into it. If anything, your mother stole my life from me! I’m not supposed to be here.”
Lihua lets out a confused chuckle. “What? Do you actually want to live in the dirt on the streets where we found you? I remember that filthy, stinking hovel your family lived in. My mother made you an empress. Are you truly that ungrateful?” I sigh and shake my head. “It’s more complicated than that. I love Emperor Honghui and Emperor Guozhi’s daughters. I know that I’m infinitely blessed to live this life. But I miss my family. It hurts so much that I don’t know what happened to them.”
“I’m sure they’re fine,” Lihua says. “Mama paid them enough for you. They must be living well somewhere.”
“You don’t know where they are?” I ask. “What happened to them?” I’ve been wanting to ask her about them for some time, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the topic.
“No. Why would I? They don’t mean anything to me.”
“After I was selected as a consort, your mother was supposed to give them more money. Do you know if she ever did?”
Lihua shrugs. “I know she went to see them, but I don’t know if she ever found them. I didn’t ask.”
My heart sinks in disappointment. With Mingxia dead, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to find my family now. Who else would know what happened to them?
“It looks like we are both stuck here,” Lihua says, and her tone is kinder than I think I’ve ever heard her speak. “But maybe we can find a way to make the best of it.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“We can help each other,” she says. “Speak to Honghui. Encourage him to take me to his bed.”
I remember when I once spoke to Guozhi about such matters. I tried to encourage him to take the Lady An, Dongmei’s mother, to his bed. For reasons I never quite understood, he became enraged at me. Said I was overstepping my bounds and that I was not to speak of such matters with him again. It was our first fight, and it nearly ruined our relationship. I don’t think that Honghui would react similarly, but he also did not want to select Lihua at all. He might not appreciate me pushing a girl he doesn’t want into his bed. Still, I suppose I can at least mention Lihua to him. After all, he only has thirteen women. He can spend at least one night with her and make her a proper wife. Give her at least a chance of becoming pregnant.
“I will see what I can do,” I say.
Lihua smiles and hugs me. “Oh, thank you, Daiyu. You aren’t going to regret it, I promise!”
“But what are you going to do for me?” I ask her, taking a chance.
“What?” she asks.
“You said we could help each other, right? What can you do for me?”
Her smile falters. After all, she has no standing within the court. She has nothing to offer me.
“Well, I’ll continue to keep your secret, of course,” she says.
I give her a tight smile and nod. “Of course.”
And with that, it is clear between us that Lihua has no intention of helping me or being friends. She wants to rise in power in the inner court. She wants a son. And she will leverage all her power over me to get it.
I will never be able to trust her.
15
“I’m pregnant.”
Honghui stares at me for a moment, as if he does not understand the words I just said. Then, a smile slowly crosses his face and he drops to his knees in front of me. He wraps his arms around my hips and kisses my stomach.
“May my son be born strong and healthy,” he says on a sigh. I can’t help but chuckle at him. He stands back up and pushes my hair from my face as he kisses my lips.
“How far along are you?” he asks.
“About two months,” I say. “After I missed my first courses, Nuwa and I decided to wait one more month to make sure it was not a fluke. But since I have missed them again, we think there is only one explanation.”
“I can’t believe you waited so long to tell me,” he says, slightly wounded.
“You have enough things to worry about,” I say. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up if it wasn’t true.”
“You never have to shoulder any burden alone,” he says.
If only you knew, I thought to myself. “Well, you know now,” I tell him.
“Does anyone else know?” he asks. “You mentioned your maid.”
“Yes, Nuwa knows,” I say. “And Yanmei. But they are sworn to secrecy until I am ready to tell the others. The other ladies are sure to be jealous.”
“Do the new ladies not get along? Do they not like you?”
“It’s not that,” I say. “They seem mostly content. But all of them crave a child of their own. They already see me as the most privileged of the lot, the one with the most money and freedom and time with you. For me to also be the first to give birth, some of them will have no choice but to feel at least a bit jealousy.”
Honghui nods and sinks down onto the bed with a bit of worry on his face. “Well, you realize that after tonight, I won’t be able to summon you to my bed chamber again until after you give birth.”
My eyes water. I knew this was coming, but to hear it said out loud hurts my soul. “I know.”
Honghui takes my hand and pulls me to sit beside him. “This is the reason why I have concubines, after all. While you are pregnant, I must spread my essence and try to have as many children as possible.”
I can’t help but chuckle at his words.
“What?” he asks.
“‘Spread your essence,’” I repeat. “It makes everything sound very official, doesn’t it?”
He laughs with me. “I know. I’m not sure it all really works that way. After all, Guozhi had hundreds of women and only two daughters to show for it. I
have known men with only one wife who had half a dozen sons.”
“I know,” I say, nodding. “My father—” I have to catch myself. I was about to say that my father only had one wife and five living children, but I stop myself in time to remember that Honghui still thinks that my father was a great Manchu general who died with only one daughter to his great name. “My father’s brother,” I correct, “he had only one wife but five children. I’m sure my mother would have had many children had he not died so young.”
“Well, as soon as you are able,” Honghui says, kissing me again, “we will have another child, I’m sure of it. As many as your heart desires.”
“Let’s just worry about this one for now,” I say, touching my still-flat stomach. I can hardly believe that there is a baby growing inside of me. The mere thought of it makes my heart flutter.
“My son,” Honghui says, placing his hand on mine.
His words suddenly make me feel a bit anxious. My parents only ever had daughters. Guozhi had daughters. What if I do not give Honghui the son he, and the dynasty, so desperately needs? But it is considered treason to even think such things. To speak of an emperor’s unborn child as anything but a strong and healthy male is the same as cursing the child to be female.
“I know what you are thinking,” Honghui says, interrupting my thoughts.
“Hmm?” I ask.
“You are worried that the child might be a daughter,” he says.
I want to tell him he is wrong, that I would never think such a thing. But somehow, despite everything I have hidden from this man, he knows me better than anyone.
“It will be a boy,” I say dutifully. “But…if it is a girl, will you be angry?”
“No!” he says without hesitation. “How could I be disappointed with a little Daiyu? I love you, and I will love all our children, boys and girls. Besides, I already—”
He pauses for a moment and my eyes shoot to his face. His cheeks quickly blush red for only a moment before he smiles again.
“Already what?” I ask.
“I already love this child, no matter what.”
As someone who has spent years living each moment of my life in a lie, I know he is not telling the whole truth. The part about loving me and loving this child, even if it is a girl, I believe is true. I suppose I cannot accuse him of lying, but he nearly said something that he did not mean to say. But since I also almost spoke of things I meant to keep secret only mere moments ago, I suppose I cannot fault him for having some secrets of his own. As long as he loves me and this baby, I shall have to be content with that.
“There is something else I need to speak with you about,” I say. “You mentioned that you will have to summon the other ladies to your bed chamber while I am with child.”
“We should meet secretly,” he says.
“What?”
“Like we used to,” he says. “Remember?”
I blush. How could I forget? “Oh?”
“Officially, I am not allowed to summon you to me,” he says. “But after I have…performed my husbandly duty with the others, I could sneak out of my room and meet you.”
“I’d like that,” I say. “But, as I was saying, it’s been brought to my attention that you have not yet summoned Liling. That she is still a maid.”
Honghui leans back and is no longer smiling. I feel a rush of panic, of fear that I have made him angry or are treading on dangerous ground.
“Of course, you know what is best,” I say quickly. “And I only want you to be happy.”
“What are you blabbering?” he asks. “Speak plainly. I don’t need false flattery, not from you.”
“Yes, of course,” I say, trying to calm myself. This is Honghui, not Guozhi. He might not always like what I have to say, but he will not punish me for doing my job, for caring for the women of the inner court. “I have reviewed the records with Fiyanggu, and you have summoned all of the ladies at least once except for Liling. She has expressed her unhappiness to me. I know that who you summon is between you and Fiyanggu, but as your wife, I am encouraging you to pay attention to Lady Liling. It is your duty to her.”
He sighs. “You are right, naturally. I just…” He shrugs.
“What is wrong?” I ask. “Does she not please you?”
“Of course she does,” he says. “She looks like you. How could she not please me?”
“Then, why don’t you want her?” I ask.
“It’s because she looks like you,” he says. “I suppose it is hard to explain. I know that love is a poor basis for a marriage. That duty and honor should come first. But I do love you, Daiyu. I summon you here so often because I love you and value your company and counsel. According to Fiyanggu, an emperor only needs to summon his empress once per month. But if I only saw you once a month, I would die. My heart and my…my manhood would shrivel into nothing.”
“And I love you,” I say, squeezing his hand. “But what does that have to do with Lady Liling? You summon the other ladies.”
“They don’t look like you,” he says. “Surely you noticed.”
“I did,” I say. “I thought that, maybe, it was because you preferred them. That you might love me, but you don’t find me attractive.”
“You are a silly girl,” he says. “It’s because I don’t want to think about you when I perform my duties with them. If I think about you while I have another woman in my bed, it makes me feel…as if I am dishonoring you somehow.”
“Oh,” I say. “I see.” And I do, to an extent. I suppose I never thought about things from a man’s perspective. Women only exist for their pleasure, after all. When I was with Honghui while Guozhi was still alive, I did feel a bit guilty. But I never imagined that men might feel such guilt as well. After all, it is expected for men to have as many concubines as possible. It is not infidelity, but for the good of the family. For an emperor, it is for the good of the nation.
“Why did you push me to select her?” Honghui asks me. “You must know that I would not have done so if you did not want it.”
“I thought you picked her in order to anger Fenfeng,” I say teasingly.
He chuckles. “Well, there was that. But it was clear you were steering me toward her before Fenfeng spoke up.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe it is because we look so similar. She wants so much to please you. Perhaps if I help her, I will be helping myself in some strange way.”
“Well, no matter the reasons, I did select her and she is my concubine. It is my responsibility to help her fulfill her duty of becoming pregnant.”
“Thank you,” I say. “I know it will make her happy, and that will make life in the inner court easier for all of us.”
“Hmm. Is she a difficult girl?” he asks.
“I think that anyone who is unhappy can make those around them miserable. I try not to blame her.”
“Don’t let her bully you,” Honghui says. “You are the empress. She’s no one. I could even send her to the Temple of Grief if she were to act badly.”
“No!” I say, fearing the havoc she would cause in my life if she were to be dismissed so coldly. “No, please, nothing so dramatic. I’m sure that after you have summoned her to your bed chamber a few times, she will be content.”
“Now I have to summon her a few times?” he whines.
I take a pillow and throw it at him. He bats it away and tosses another one back at me. We playfully slap at each other and toss pillows before he catches my wrist and pulls me to him, tickling me and making me laugh until I cry. He then pins my arms down and kisses me, careful not to put all of his weight on top of me.
“Thank you, Daiyu,” he says between kisses.
“For what?” I ask, my eyes growing heavy.
“For being the perfect empress, and soon, the perfect mother.”
I let out a long sigh as she kisses down my body, paying close attention to my stomach. Lihua certainly still poses a problem for me. She is dangerous. But if I give Honghui a son, he will surel
y go to the end of the earth to protect me and keep me safe. Soon, the dangers will all pass. I’m sure of it.
16
“Are you really having a baby?” Dongmei asks me, poking at my still flat stomach. I’m now about three months along and still find it hard to believe. I don’t feel very different. I certainly don’t look any different. If it weren’t for the lack of my monthly bleed, I wouldn’t know I was pregnant.
“I guess so,” I say with a shrug. “If Heaven is willing.”
Jiangfei just watches me with big, worried eyes. I know what she is thinking, what she has been thinking ever since I first told the girls that I was with child. She is afraid I am going to die. And yet, I have said nothing to calm her fears. How can I? Her mother, Empress Caihong, died in childbirth. My own dear mother nearly died from a miscarriage. It is a tragedy that only women face, and a fear only we can understand. It happens far too often. I cannot promise Jiangfei that I won’t die, so what can I say to her? I have been as kind and loving as possible, but I cannot take away the very real fear she has of me dying and leaving her once again. Wouldn’t that just be the way of things? For me to finally be safe and secure in my life and home and still be dragged away by the gods?
Lihua brings a tray of tea to our table and passes the cups around. She has been far quieter, more content, and—dare I say—more pleasant since Honghui invited her to his bed chamber. He has only done so twice. He has invited some of the other girls, such as Yanmei, more often, but Lihua has not complained. There has been a peace in the inner court I have not experienced before. I had doubted that a home with so many concubines for one man could ever be happy, but perhaps I had been wrong.
“The dowager empress approaches!” a eunuch announces. I cannot hide a groan as I stand to greet my “guest.” Though, I am curious as to why she would call on me. Other than for morning greetings, I have hardly spoken to her. I do not visit her palace, and she does not call upon me. So this is a strange occurrence.
