by Louise Hay
Those of you who feel guilty can now learn to say no and call people on their nonsense. I’m not saying to be angry with them, but you don’t have to play their game anymore. If saying “no” is new to you, say it very simply: “No. No, I cannot do that.” Don’t give excuses or the manipulator will have ammunition to talk you out of your decision. When people see that manipulating you doesn’t work, they will stop. People will only control you as long as you allow them to. You may feel guilty the first time you say no; however, it gets easier the next few times.
A woman at one of my lectures had a baby who was born with congenital heart dis-ease. She felt guilty because she believed that it was her fault—she did something to the baby. Unfortunately, guilt does not solve anything. In her case, no one did anything wrong. I told her that I thought it could have been a soul choice for the baby, and a lesson for both the mother and baby. My answer was for her to love the baby and love herself and stop feeling that she did something wrong. That sort of guilt would not heal anyone.
If you do something that you are sorry about, stop doing it. If you did something in the past that you still feel guilty about, forgive yourself. If you can make amends, do it, and don’t repeat the action again. Every time guilt comes up in your life, ask yourself, “What do I still believe about myself?” “Who am I trying to please?” Notice the childhood beliefs that come up.
When someone comes to me who has been involved in a car accident, there is usually guilt on a deep-seated level and a need for punishment. There can also be a lot of repressed hostility because we feel we don’t have the right to speak up for ourselves. Guilt seeks punishment, so we can literally become our own judge, jury, and executioner—condemning ourselves to a self-imposed prison. We punish ourselves, and there is no one around to come to our defense. It’s time to forgive ourselves and set ourselves free.
One elderly lady at one of my seminars felt enormous guilt about her middle-aged son. He was an only child who grew up to be a very withdrawn person. She felt guilty because she was very strict with him while he was growing up. I explained that she had done the best she knew how to do at the time. I believe he chose her as a mother before he incarnated into this lifetime, so on a spiritual level, he knew what he was doing. I told her that she was wasting all her energy feeling guilty about something that she couldn’t change. She sighed, “It’s such a shame that he’s this way, and I’m sorry I did a bad job.”
You see, that’s wasted energy because it doesn’t help her son now, and it certainly doesn’t help her. Guilt becomes a very heavy burden and makes people feel inferior.
Instead, I told her that every time the feeling came up, she could say something like, “No, I don’t want to feel that anymore. I’m willing to learn to love myself. I accept my son exactly as he is.” If she continued to do this, the pattern would start to shift.
Even if we don’t know how to love ourselves, the fact that we are willing to love ourselves will create the difference. It’s just not worth it to hold on to these patterns. The lesson is always love yourself. Her lesson was not to heal her son, but to love herself. He came into this life to love himself. She can’t do it for him, and he can’t do it for her.
Organized religions are often really good at making people feel guilty. Many of them do some heavy numbers to keep people in line, especially when they are young. However, we aren’t little children anymore, and we don’t have to be kept in line. We are adults who can decide what we want to believe. The child in us feels the guilt, but there is also the adult in us who can teach the child otherwise.
When you hold your emotions down, or hold things in, you create havoc within you. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel your emotions. Allow your feelings to come to the surface. You may find yourself crying for days or getting angry a lot. You may have to process quite a bit of old stuff. I suggest you do affirmations that make going through the process easier, smoother, and more comfortable:
“I now release with ease all old negative beliefs. “
“It’s comfortable for me to change. “
“My pathway is now smooth. “
“I am free of the past. “
Don’t also add judgment to your feelings. That only pushes the feelings down even more. If you are going through incredible dilemmas or crises, affirm that you are safe and that you are willing to feel. Affirming these positive feelings will bring about beneficial changes.
Chapter 6
Letting Your Feelings Out
A tragedy can turn out to be our greatest good if we approach it in ways from which we can grow.
Releasing Anger in Positive Ways
Everyone deals with anger at one time or another in their lives. Anger is an honest emotion. When it is not expressed or processed outwardly, it will be processed inwardly, in the body, and usually develops into a disease or dysfunction of some sort.
Like criticism, we usually get angry about the same things over and over again. When we are angry, and we feel we don’t have a right to express it, we swallow it down, which causes resentment, bitterness, or depression. So, its good to handle our anger when it comes up.
There are several ways to deal with anger in positive ways. One of the best ways is to talk openly to the person with whom you are angry and to release the pent-up emotions. You can say, “I am angry with you because_____________.” When we feel like screaming at someone, then the anger has been building up for a long time. Often, it is because we feel we cannot speak to the other person. So, the second best way to let the anger out is to talk to the person in the mirror.
Find yourself a place where you will feel safe and will not be disturbed. Look into your own eyes in the mirror. If you find that you cannot, then concentrate on your mouth or nose. See yourself and/or the person who you believe has done something wrong to you. Remember the moment when you became angry and let yourself feel the anger come through you. Begin to tell this person exactly what you are so angry about. Show all the anger you feel. You could say something like:
“I am angry at you because _____________.”
“I am hurt because you did _____________.”
“7 am so afraid because you _____________.”
Get all your feelings out. If you feel like expressing yourself physically, then get some pillows and start hitting them. Don’t be afraid to let your anger take its natural course. You have already kept your feelings bottled up too long. There is no need to feel any guilt or shame. Remember, our feelings are thoughts in action. They serve a purpose, and when you let them loose from your mind and body, you allow space inside for other, more positive, experiences.
When you have finished expressing your anger to the person or persons, do your best to forgive them. Forgiveness is an act of freedom for yourself because you are the one who will benefit from it. If you can’t forgive someone, then the exercise is just a negative affirmation and is not healing for you. There is a difference between releasing and just rehashing old angers. You may want to say something like:
“Okay, that situation is over. That is in the past now. I don’t approve of your action, and yet I understand that you were doing the best you could with the knowledge and understanding you had at the time. I am done with this. I release you and let you go. You are free and I am free. “
You may want to do this exercise several times before you truly feel that you have gotten rid of all of your anger. You may also want to work on one anger issue or several. Do what feels right for you.
There are other methods we can use to release the anger. We can scream into a pillow, we can kick pillows, we can beat the bed or a punching bag. We can write a hate letter and then burn it. We can scream in our cars with the windows rolled up. We can play tennis or go to the golf range and just hit balls one after the other. We can exercise, swim, or run around the block several times. We can write or draw our feelings using our nondominant hand—the creative process is a natural release for emotions.
One man at my semi
nar said he used an egg timer as he began screaming into a pillow. He gave himself ten minutes to let out all his frustrations and anger about his father. After five minutes, he was exhausted, and every thirty seconds, he would look at the egg timer and realize he still had a few more minutes to go.
I used to beat the bed and make a lot of noise. I can’t do that now because my dogs get frightened and think I am angry at them. Now I find it very effective to scream in the car, or dig a hole in the garden.
As you can see, you can become quite creative when releasing your feelings. I recommend that you do something physically to release charged-up emotions—in a safe way. Don’t be reckless or dangerous to yourself or others. Remember, also, to communicate with your Higher Power. Go within and know that there is an answer to your anger and that you will find it. It is very healing to meditate and visualize your rage flowing freely out of your body. Send love to the other person, and see your love dissolve whatever disharmony there is between you. Be willing to become harmonious. Perhaps the anger you feel is reminding you that you aren’t communicating well with others. By recognizing it, you can correct it.
It’s amazing how many people tell me how much happier they have become once they release anger towards another person. It is as though a huge burden has been dropped. One of my students had a difficult time letting her anger out. Intellectually, she understood her feelings, yet she couldn’t express them outwardly. Once she allowed herself this expression, she kicked and screamed and called her mother and alcoholic daughter all sorts of names. She felt a tremendous weight lift from her. When her daughter visited her afterwards, she couldn’t stop hugging her. She allowed room for love to come inside where all the repressed anger had been.
Maybe you have been a person who’s been angry for a major part of your life. You have, what I call, habitual anger. Something happens and you get angry. Something else happens and you get angry again. Once more it happens, and you keep getting angry, but you never go beyond getting angry. Habitual anger is childish—you always want your own way. It would be helpful to ask yourself:
“Why am I choosing to be angry all the time?”
“What am I doing to create situation after situation that angers me?”
“Is this the only way I can react to life?”
“Is this what I want?”
“Who am I still punishing? Or loving?”
“Why do I want to be in this state?”
“What am I believing that causes all these frustrations?”
“What am I giving out that attracts in others the need to irritate me?”
In other words, why do you believe that to get your way, you need to get angry? I’m not saying that there are no injustices, and there aren’t times when you have a right to feel angry. However, habitual anger is not good for your body because it lodges in there.
Notice what you focus on most of the time. Sit in front of a mirror for ten minutes and look at yourself. Ask: 'Who are you? What is it that you want? What makes you happy? What can I do to make you happy?’ Now is the time to do something else. Create a new space inside yourself for loving, optimistic, and cheerful patterns.
People often get angry while they are driving their cars. People often express their frustrations about the other lousy drivers on the road. Long ago, I got over the fact that I was going to be upset because of someone else’s inability to follow the rules of the road. So the way I handle driving my car is: first, I put love into the car when I get in. Next, I know and affirm that I’m always surrounded by wonderful, competent, happy drivers. Everyone around me is a good driver. Because of my beliefs and affirmations whenever I’m on the road, I have very few poor drivers around me. They’re off bothering the person who’s shaking his fist and screaming.
Your car is an extension of you, just like everything and everyone are extensions of you, so put some love into your car, and then send love out to everyone around you on the streets and the highways. I believe, that the parts of your car are similar to the parts of your body.
For instance, one of my workers felt that she had “no vision,” she could not see where her life was going or where she wanted it to go. One morning she woke up and found her windshield smashed. Another person, an acquaintance of mine, felt that he was “stuck” in his life. He was not moving forward or moving backwards but was not moving at all. His tire became flat and he couldn’t move anywhere. I know it may sound silly at first, but it’s fascinating to me that the terminology that these two people used to describe their current mental state also related to their car. “Having no vision” means that you can’t see in front of you. The windshield is a perfect metaphor, likewise “being stuck” is a perfect example of a flat tire. The next time something happens to your car, make a note as to what you feel the broken part represents and see if you can connect it to how you are feeling at that particular moment. You may be surprised at the results. One day I will write a little book and call it Heal Your Automobile.
There was a time when people did not understand the body/mind connection. Now it is time for us to expand our thinking even more and to understand the machinery/mind connection. Every situation in your life is a learning experience and can be handled so that it works for you.
There is nothing new or unique about anger. No one escapes the experience. The key is in recognizing it for what it is and taking that energy in a healthier direction. If you get sick, don’t get angry over it. Instead of putting anger into your body, fill it with love and forgive yourself. Those of you who are caregivers for sick people can remember to take care of yourselves, too. If you don’t, you won’t be any good to yourself or your friends and family. You will burn out. Do something to let your feelings out as well. Once you learn to deal with anger in a positive way that readily benefits you, you will find many wonderful changes occurring in the quality of your life.
Resentment Causes a Variety of Ills
Resentment is anger that has been buried for a long time. The main problem with resentment is that it lodges in the body, usually in the same place, and in time, it seethes and eats away at the body and often turns into tumors and cancers. Therefore, repressing anger and letting it settle in our bodies is not conducive to good health. Again, it’s time to let these feelings out.
Many of us were raised in families where we weren’t allowed to be angry. Women, in particular, were taught that to be angry was something bad. Anger was not acceptable, except for one person, usually a parent. So we learned to swallow our anger rather than express it. Again, we can now realize that we are the ones who are holding on to it. Nobody else is involved at all.
An oyster takes a grain of sand, and it builds layer after layer after layer of calcite over it until it becomes a beautiful pearl. Similarly, we take our emotional hurts and nurse them over and over again, by what I call, running the old movie over and over in our minds. If we want to be free from our hurts, if we want to get out of them, then it’s time to go beyond them.
One of the reasons women create cysts and tumors in the uterus is through, what I call, the he done me wrong syndrome. The genitals represent either the most masculine part of the body, the masculine principle, or the most feminine part of the body, the feminine principle. When people have emotional episodes, usually in relationships, they take it to one of these areas. With women, they may take it to their female organs, their most feminine part, and nurse the hurt until it becomes a cyst or tumor.
Since resentment is buried deeply inside us, we may have to do a lot of work to dissolve it. I received a letter from a woman who was working on her third cancer tumor. She still had not dissolved the resentment pattern and kept creating new tumors in her body. I could tell she felt very self-righteous about her bitterness. It was easier for her to let the doctor remove the latest tumor than to work on forgiveness. It would have been good if she was able to do both. Doctors are good at removing growths, only we can keep them from re-appearing.
Sometimes we would rather die than
change our patterns. And we do. I have noticed many people would rather die than change their eating habits. And they do. This is very disturbing when it happens to someone we love and we are aware of alternative choices they could make.
No matter what choices we make, they are always right for us and there is no blame, even if we leave the planet. We will all leave the planet in time and we will all find a way to do it at the right time for us.
Again, we don’t have to blame ourselves for failing or doing it wrong. We don’t have to feel guilty. There is no blame. No one has done it wrong. A person does the best he or she knows how to with the understanding and awareness that is available. Remember, we all have the Power within us, and we have all come here to learn certain lessons. Our Higher Selves know our destiny in this lifetime and what we learn in order to move forward in our evolutionary process. There is never any wrong way, there just is. We are all on an endless journey through eternity, and we have lifetime after lifetime. What we don’t work out in this life, I believe we will work out in another.
Suppressed Feelings Lead to Depression
Depression is anger turned inward. It is also anger that you feel you do not have a right to have. For instance you may not feel it’s okay to be angry at your parent or spouse or employer or best friend. Yet you are angry. And you feel stuck. That anger becomes depression. Far too many people today suffer from depression, even chronic depression. By the time we feel that depressed, it is very difficult to get out of it. It feels so hopeless that it becomes an effort to do anything.
I don’t care how spiritual you are, you have got to wash your dishes every now and then. You can’t let the sink pile up with dirty dishes and say, “Oh, I’m metaphysical.” The same with your feelings, if you want to have a mind that flows freely then clean up your inner mental dirty dishes.
