by Louise Hay
One of the best ways is to give yourself permission to express some of your anger so that you don’t have to stay so depressed. There are now therapists that specialize in anger releasing. Having a session or two with one of them could be most helpful.
It’s my personal opinion that we all need to beat the bed once a week whether we feel we’re angry or not. There are some therapies that encourage you to get into your anger; however, I think they often keep you immersed in the anger process too long. Anger, like any emotion that surfaces, lasts only a few minutes. Babies move in and out of their emotions very quickly. It is our reaction to the emotion that causes us to hold and repress it.
Author Elisabeth Kiibler-Ross uses a wonderful exercise in her seminars, she calls externalization. She has you take a piece of rubber hose and some old phone books, and you beat them over and over again, letting all sorts of emotions emerge.
When you are releasing anger, it’s okay to be embarrassed about it, especially if it was against your family rules to get angry. It will be embarrassing the first time you do it, but when you get into it, it can be such fun and very powerful. God is not going to hate you for being angry. Once you have released some of this old anger, you will be able to see your situation in a new light and find new solutions.
Another one of the suggestions I would make for a person who is depressed is to work with a good nutritionist and really get your diet cleaned up. Its amazing how that can help the mind. People who are depressed often eat very poorly which adds to the problem. We all want to make the best choices so that the food we are taking in is good for our body. Also, many times we find there is a chemical imbalance in the body that is further aggravated by the intake of medication of some sort.
Rebirthing is another wonderful process for releasing your feelings because it goes beyond the intellect. If you have never had a rebirthing session, I recommend that you try it. It has been very helpful for many people. It’s a breathing modality that helps you connect with old issues so that you can release them in a positive way. Some rebirthers have you repeat your affirmations as you are going through the process.
Then there is body work, such as Rolfing, a process of deep connective-tissue manipulation, developed by Ida Rolf. Or Heller work, or Trager work. They are all excellent ways to release restrictive patterns in the body. Different processes work differently for each person. One process may be good for one, yet not for another. We can only find what is best for ourselves by trying different avenues.
Self Help sections in book stores are excellent places to read about different alternatives. Health Food stores often have bulletin boards that list meetings and classes. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
Fear Is Not Having Trust
Fear is rampant on the planet. You can see and hear about it in the news every day in the form of wars, murders, greed, and more. Fear is a lack of trust in ourselves. Because of that we don’t trust Life. We don’t trust that we are being taken care of on a higher level, so we feel we must control everything from the physical level. Obviously, we are going to feel fear because we can’t control everything in our lives.
Trust is what we learn when we want to overcome our fears. It’s called taking the leap-of-faith. Trust in the Power within that is connected to Universal Intelligence. Trust in that which is invisible, instead of trusting only in the physical, material world. I’m not saying that we do nothing, yet if we have trust, we can go through life much easier. If you recall what I said earlier, I believe that everything I need to know is revealed to me. I trust that I am being taken care of, even though I am not physically in control of everything that is happening around me.
When a fearful thought comes up, it really is trying to protect you. I suggest that you say to the fear, “I know you want to protect me. I appreciate that you want to help me. And I thank you.” Acknowledge the fearful thought; it’s there to take care of you. When you become physically frightened, your adrenalin pumps through your body to protect you from danger. It’s the same with the fear you manufacture in your mind.
Observe your fears and recognize that you are not them. Think of fear the way you view images on a movie screen. What you see on the screen is really not there. The moving pictures are just frames of celluloid, and they change and disappear very rapidly. Our fears will come and go as rapidly as those pictures, unless we insist on holding on to them.
Fear is a limitation of our minds. People have so much fear about getting sick or about becoming homeless or whatever. Anger is fear that becomes a defense mechanism. It protects you and yet it would be much more powerful for you to do affirmations so you can stop recreating fearful situations in your minds, and love yourself through the fear. Again, nothing comes from outside of us. We are at the center of everything that happens in our lives. Everything is inside—every experience, every relationship, is the mirror of a mental pattern that we have inside us.
Fear is the opposite of love. The more we are willing to love and trust who we are, the more we attract these qualities to ourselves. When we are on a streak of really being frightened or upset or worried or not liking our selves, isn’t it amazing how everything goes wrong in our lives? One thing after another. It seems it will never stop.
Well, it is the same when we really love ourselves. Everything starts to go on a winning streak and we get the “green lights” and the “parking places.” All of the things that make life so wonderful—the big and the little. We get up in the morning, and the day flows beautifully.
Love yourself so that you can take care of yourself. Do everything you can to strengthen your heart, your body, and your mind. Turn to the Power within you. Find a good spiritual connection, and really work on maintaining it.
If you are feeling threatened or fearful, consciously breathe. We often hold our breath when we are frightened. So take a few deep breaths. Breathing opens the space inside you that is your power. It straightens your spine. It opens your chest and gives your heart room to expand. By breathing you begin to drop the barriers and open up. You expand rather than contract. Your love flows. Say: “J am one with the Power that created me. I am safe. All is well in my world.”
Cleaning Up Our Addictions
One of the primary ways we mask our fears is through addictions. Addictions suppress the emotions, so that we don’t feel. However, there are many kinds of addictions besides the chemical ones. There are also, what I call, pattern addictions—patterns we adopt to keep us from being present in our lives. If we don’t want to deal with what’s in front of us, or if we don’t want to be where we are, we have a pattern that keeps us out of touch with our lives. For some people, it is a food addiction or a chemical addiction. There may be a genetic disposition for alcoholism, however, the choice to stay sick is always an individual one. So often, when we talk about something being hereditary, it is really the little child’s acceptance of the parents’ ways of handling fear.
For others, there are emotional addictions. You can be addicted to finding fault in people. No matter what happens, you will always find someone to blame. “It’s their fault, they did it to me.”
Maybe you are addicted to running up bills. There are many of you addicted to being in debt; you do everything to keep yourselves over your heads in debt. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the amount of money you have.
You can be addicted to rejection. Everywhere you go, you attract others who reject you. You will find them. However, the rejection on the outside is a reflection of your own rejection. If you don’t reject yourself, nobody else will either, or if they do, it certainly won’t matter to you. Ask yourself, “What am I not accepting about myself?”
There are plenty of people addicted to illness. They are always catching something or worrying about getting sick. They seem to belong to the “Illness of the Month Club.”
If you’re going to be addicted to anything, why not be addicted to loving yourself? You can be addicted to doing positive affirmations or do
ing something that is supportive of you.
Compulsive Overeating
I receive a lot of letters from people with weight problems. They go on diets that last two or three weeks, then they stop. They feel guilty about falling off their diets, and instead of recognizing that they did what they could at the time, they get angry at themselves and feel guilty. Then to punish themselves, because guilt always seeks punishment, they go out and eat foods that are not good for their bodies. If they could acknowledge that for the two weeks they followed a particular regime they were doing something wonderful for their bodies and stop laying guilt trips on themselves, they would begin to break the pattern. They could also begin to say: “I used to have a problem with weight, now I allow myself to be the perfect weight for me, “ and the pattern would start to shift inside. Yet we don’t want to concentrate on the food issue too much for that is not where the problem lies.
Overeating has always meant a need for protection. When you feel insecure or frightened, you pad yourself with a layer of safety. Weight has nothing to do with food. Most of you spend a lifetime being angry at yourselves for being fat. What a waste of energy. Instead, realize there is something going on in your life that is making you feel unsafe and insecure. It could be your work, your spouse, your sexuality, or your life in general. If you are overweight, put the food/weight issue aside and work on the pattern that says, “I need protection because I’m insecure.”
It’s amazing how our cells respond to our mental patterns. When the need for protection is gone, or when we start feeling secure, the fat will melt off. I have noticed in my own life that when I am not feeling safe, I will gain some weight. When my life is going so fast, and I’m doing so much, and I’m spreading myself all over the place, I feel a need for protection, a need for security. So I say, “Okay, Louise, it’s time to work on safety. I want you to really know that you are safe, and it’s okay, and you can do all this stuff, and you can be at all these places, and you can have all that is happening right now, and you are safe, and I love you.”
Weight is only the outer effect of a fear that is inside you. When you look in the mirror and see the fat person staring back, remember that you are looking at the result of your old thinking. When you start to change your thinking, you are planting a seed for what will become true for you. What you choose to think today will create your new figure tomorrow. One of the best books on releasing excess weight is The Only Diet There Is by Sondra Ray. It’s all about dieting from negative thinking. She shows you step by step how to do it.
Self Help Groups
Self Help Groups have become the new social form. I see this as a very positive move. These programs do tremendous good. People with similar problems getting together not to whine and complain, but to find ways to work through these issues and improve the quality of their lives. There is now a group for almost every problem you can think of. Many of them are listed in the phone book under Community Services in the front of your Yellow Pages or see Appendix B in the back of this book (page 233). I know you can find one that is right for you. Many churches now hold group meetings.
You could even go to the local health food store, one of my favorites, and see what is listed on their bulletin board. If you are serious about changing your life, you will find the way.
The 12-Step Programs are everywhere. 12-Step Programs have been around for some time and they have developed a format that really works and bring about wonderful results. Their AÍ-Anon program for people who live with, or were raised by, addicted people is one of the best groups for all sorts of people.
Feelings Are Our Inner Gauge
When growing up in a troubled or dysfunctional family, we learn to avoid conflict whenever possible, and this results in the denial of our feelings. We often do not trust others to meet our needs so we don’t even ask for help. We are convinced that we must be strong enough to handle things ourselves. The only problem is that we fail to be in touch with our own feelings. Feelings are our most helpful link to our relationship with ourselves, others and the world around us, and they are an indication of what’s working or not working in our lives. Shutting them off only leads to more complex problems and physical illnesses. What you can feel, you can heal. If you don’t allow yourself to feel what is going on inside of you, you won’t know where to begin the healing process.
On the other hand, many of us seem to go through life always feeling guilty or jealous or fearful or sad. We develop habit patterns that keep perpetuating the same experiences that we say we don’t want to have. If you keep feeling angry, or sad, or fearful, or jealous and don’t get in touch with the underlying cause, you will continue to create more anger, sad, fear, et cetera. When we stop feeling like victims, we are able to take our power back. We must be willing to learn the lesson so the problem can disappear.
When we trust the process of life and our spiritual connection with the Universe, we can dissolve our angers and fears as soon as they appear. We can trust in life and know that everything is happening in divine right order and the perfect time-space sequence.
Chapter 7
Moving Beyond the Pain
We are far more than our bodies and personalities. The inner spirit is always beautiful and lovable, no matter how our outer appearances may change.
The Pain of Death
It’s wonderful to be positive. It’s also wonderful to acknowledge what you are feeling. Nature has given you feelings to get you through certain experiences and to deny them causes more pain. Remember, death is not a failure. Everyone dies, it’s part of the process of life.
When someone you love dies, the mourning process takes at least one year. So give yourself that space. It’s difficult to have to go through all the holidays and seasons—Valentine’s Day, your birthday, your anniversary, Christmas, et cetera, so be very gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. There are no rules, so don’t make any for yourself.
It’s also okay to get angry and have hysterics when someone dies. You can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. You want to give your feelings an outlet. Let yourself cry. Look in the mirror and scream, “It isn’t fair,” or whatever you feel inside. Again, let it out, otherwise, you will create problems for your body. You have to take care of yourself the best you can, and I know it’s not easy.
Those of us who have been working with people with aids find that the grieving process becomes on-going. It is the same as the grieving process in war time. There are too many onslaughts to the emotional/nervous system to handle. Many times I reach out to special friends and dissolve into hysterics when it all becomes too much. It was much easier when my mother died. I felt the natural completion of her ninety-one year cycle. Though I grieved, I had no anger or rage at injustice or untimeliness. Wars and epidemics bring up tremendous frustration at the seeming unfairness of it all.
Although grieving takes time, sometimes you feel like you’re in a bottomless pit. If you are still grieving after a few years, then you are wallowing in it. You need to forgive and release the other person and yourself. Remember, we don’t lose anyone when they die because we never owned them in the first place.
If you are having a difficult time letting go, there are several things you can do. First of all, I suggest you do some meditations with the person who is gone. No matter what he or she thought or did while they were alive, when they leave the planet, a veil lifts and they see life very clearly. So they no longer have the fears and the beliefs that they had when they were here. If you are grieving a lot, they would probably tell you not to worry because all is well. In your meditations, ask the person for help to get you through this period, and tell him or her that you love them.
Don’t judge yourself for not being with the person or doing enough for the person while he or she was alive. That’s just adding guilt to your grief. Some of you use this time as an excuse for not getting on with your own life. Some of you would like to leave the planet, too. Or, for some of you, the death of someone you know and love brings up y
our own fear of death.
Use this time to do inner work on yourself so you can release some of your own stuff. A lot of sadness comes to the surface upon the death of a loved one. Let yourself feel the sadness. You need to get to a point where you feel safe enough to let the old pains come up. If you would allow yourself two or three days of crying, much of the sadness and guilt would disappear. If you need to, find a therapist or a group to help you feel safe enough so that you can release the emotions. Another suggestion is to say affirmations like: “I love you and I set you free. You are free and I am free.”
One woman at one of my workshops was having a very difficult time letting go of the anger she felt towards an aunt who was very ill. She was terrified that her aunt would pass away and she would not be able to communicate how she really felt about the past. She didn’t want to speak with the aunt because she felt all choked up inside. I suggested to her that she work with a therapist, for one-on-one work can be so helpful. When we are stuck in any area, it is an act of love for ourselves to reach out for help.
There are many types of therapists all over who are experienced in these situations. You don’t need to go for a long time, just a short while so that you can get through your difficult period. There are also many grief support groups. It might be helpful for you to join one because it would assist you as you go through the process.
Understanding Our Pain
Many of us live from day to day with unrelieved pain. It may be a small, inconsequential part of our lives, or it may take up a large, unbearable portion of it. But what is pain? Most of us agree that it is something we would like to be free of. Let’s look at what we can learn from it. Where does it come from? What is it trying to tell us?
