The O'Ruddy: A Romance

by Stephen Crane

  CHAPTER XVI

  Paddy was for opening his mouth wide immediately, but I checked him."I would see this great man," said I to the landlord, "but I am sotimid by nature I fear to meet his eagle eye. Is there no way by whichwe could observe him in secret at our leisure?"

  "There be one way," remarked the landlord after deliberation. I hadpassed him a silver coin. He led us to a little parlour back of thetaproom. Here a door opened into the tap itself, and in this door wascut a large square window so that the good man of the inn couldsometimes sit at his ease in his great chair in the snug parlour andobserve that his customers had only that for which they were paying.It is a very good plan, for I have seen many a worthy man become arogue merely because nobody was watching him. My father often wassaying that if he had not been narrowly eyed all his young life, firstby his mother and then by his wife, he had little doubt but what hemight have been engaged in dishonest practices sooner or later.

  A confident voice was doing some high talking in the taproom. I peeredthrough the window, but at first I saw only a collection of gapingyokels, poor bent men with faces framed in straggly whiskers. Each hada pint pot clutched with a certain air of determination in his righthand.

  Suddenly upon our line of vision strode the superb form of JemBottles. A short pipe was in his mouth, and he gestured splendidlywith a pint pot. "More of the beer, my dear," said he to a buxom maid."We be all rich in Ireland. And four of them set upon me," he criedagain to the yokels. "All noblemen, in fine clothes and withsword-hilts so flaming with jewels an ordinary man might have beenblinded. 'Stop!' said I. 'There be more of your friends somewhere.Call them.' And with that--"

  "'And with that'?" said I myself, opening the door and stepping inupon him. "'And with that'?" said I again. Whereupon I smote him ablow which staggered him against the wall, holding his crown with bothhands while his broken beer-pot rolled on the floor. Paddy was dancingwith delight at seeing some other man cuffed, but the landlord and theyokels were nearly dead of terror. But they made no sound; only thebuxom girl whimpered.

  "There is no cause for alarm," said I amiably. "I was only greeting anold friend. 'Tis a way I have. And how wags the world with you,O'Ruddy?"

  "I am not sure for the moment," replied Jem Bottles ruefully. "I mustbide till it stops spinning."

  "Truth," cried I. "That would be a light blow to trouble the greatO'Ruddy. Come now; let us have the pots filled again, and O'Ruddyshall tell us more of his adventures. What say you, lads?"

  The yokels had now recovered some of their senses, and they greeted myplan with hoarse mutterings of hasty and submissive assent.

  "Begin," said I sternly to the highwayman. He stood miserably on onefoot. He looked at the floor; he looked at the wall; from time totime he gave me a sheep's glance. "Begin," said I again. Paddy waswild with glee. "Begin," said I for the third time and very harshly.

  "I--" gulped out the wretched man, but he could get no further.

  "I am seeing I must help you," said I. "Come now, when did you learnthe art of sticadoro proderodo sliceriscum fencing?"

  Bottles rolled the eyes of despair at me, but I took him angrily bythe shoulder. "Come now; when did you learn the art of sticadoroproderodo sliceriscum fencing?"

  Jem Bottles staggered, but at last he choked out: "My mother taughtme." Here Paddy retired from the room, doubled in a strong butsoundless convulsion.

  "Good," said I. "Your mother taught you. We are making progress anyhow. Your mother taught you. And now tell me this: When you slewCormac of the Cliffs, what passado did you use? Don't be stuttering.Come now; quick with you; what passado did you use? What passado?"

  With a heroism born of a conviction that in any event he was a lostman, Jem Bottles answered: "A blue one."

  "Good," I cried cheerfully. "'A blue one'! We are coming on fine. Hekilled Cormac with a blue passado. And now I would be asking you--"

  "Master," interrupted the highwayman with sudden resolution. "I willsay no more. I have done. You may kill me an it pleases you."

  Now I saw that enough was enough. I burst into laughter and clappedhim merrily on the shoulder. "Be cheery, O'Ruddy," I cried. "Sure anIrishman like you ought to be able to look a joke in the face." Hegave over his sulks directly, and I made him buy another pint each forthe yokels. "'Twas dry work listening to you and your exploits,O'Ruddy," said I.

  Later I went to my chamber, attended by my followers, having orderedroast fowls and wine to be served as soon as possible. Paddy and JemBottles sat on stools one at each side of the fireplace, and Ioccupied a chair between them.

  Looking at my two faithful henchmen, I was suddenly struck by thethought that they were not very brisk servants for a gentleman to taketo fashionable London. I had taken Paddy out of his finery and dressedhim in a suit of decent brown; but his hair was still unbarbered, andI saw that unless I had a care his appearance would greatly surpriseand please London. I resolved to have him shorn at the first largetown.

  As for Jem Bottles, his clothes were well enough, and indeed he waspassable in most ways unless it was his habit, when hearing a suddennoise, to take a swift dark look to the right and to the left. Then,further, people might shrewdly note his way of always sitting with hisback to the wall and his face to the door. However, I had no doubt ofmy ability to cure him of these tricks as soon as he was far enoughjourneyed from the scenes of his earlier activity.

  But the idea I entertained at this moment was more to train them to befine grand servants, such as I had seen waiting on big people in Bath.They were both willing enough, but they had no style to them. Idecided to begin at once and see what I could teach them.

  "Paddy," said I, taking off my sword and holding it out to him. "Mysword!"

  Paddy looked at it. "It is, sir," he answered respectfully.

  "Bad scran to you, Paddy!" I cried angrily. "I am teaching you yourduties. Take the sword! In both hands, mind you! Now march over andlay it very tenderly on the stand at the head of the bed. There now!"

  I now turned my attention to Jem Bottles.

  "Bottles," said I peremptorily, "my coat and waistcoat."

  "Yes, sir," replied Bottles quickly, profiting by Paddy's lesson.

  "There now," said I, as Bottles laid the coat and waistcoat on adresser. "'Tis a good beginning. When supper comes I shall teach youother duties."

  The supper came in due course, and after the inn's man had gone I bidJem and Paddy stand one on either side of my chair and a little wayback. "Now," said I, "stand square on your feet, and hold your headsaway high, and stick your elbows out a little, and try to look as ifyou don't know enough to tell fire from water. Jem Bottles has it.That's it! Bedad! look at the ignorance on him! He's the man for you,Paddy! Wake up now, and look stupid. Am I not telling you?"

  "Begor!" said Paddy dejectedly, "I feel like the greatest omadhaun inall the west country, and if that is not being stupid enough for yourhonour I can do no better."

  "Shame to you, Paddy, to let an Englishman beat you so easily," saidI. "Take that grin off your face, you scoundrel! Now," I added, "weare ready to begin. Wait, now. You must each have something to hold inyour fist. Let me be thinking. There's only one plate and little ofanything else. Ah, I have it! A bottle! Paddy, you shall hold one ofthe bottles. Put your right hand underneath it, and with your lefthand hold it by the neck. But keep your elbows out. Jem, what thedevil am I to give you to hold? Ah, I have it! Another bottle! Hold itthe same as Paddy. Now! Stand square on your feet, and hold your headsaway high, and stick your elbows out a little, and look stupid. I amgoing to eat my supper."

  I finished my first and second bottles with the silence only broken bythe sound of my knife-play and an occasional restless creaking ofboots as one of my men slyly shifted his position. Wishing to call formy third bottle, I turned and caught them exchanging a glance ofsympathetic bewilderment. As my eye flashed upon them, they stiffenedup like grenadier recruits.

  But I was not for being too hard on them at first. "'Tis enough forone lesson," s
aid I. "Put the bottles by me and take your ease."

  With evident feelings of relief they slunk back to the stools by thefire, where they sat recovering their spirits.

  After my supper I sat in the chair toasting my shins and lazilylistening to my lads finishing the fowls. They seemed much more likethemselves, sitting there grinding away at the bones and puffing withjoy. In the red firelight it was such a scene of happiness that Imisdoubted for a moment the wisdom of my plan to make them into finegrand numskulls.

  I could see that all men were not fitted for the work. It needed abeefy person with fat legs and a large amount of inexplicable dignity,a regular God-knows-why loftiness. Truth, in those days, real talentwas usually engaged in some form of rascality, barring the making ofbooks and sermons. When one remembers the impenetrable dulness of thegreat mass of the people, the frivolity of the gentry, the arroganceand wickedness of the court, one ceases to wonder that many men oftaste took to the highway as a means of recreation and livelihood. Andthere I had been attempting to turn my two frank rascals into the kindof sheep-headed rubbish whom you could knock down a great staircase,and for a guinea they would say no more. Unless I was the kicker, Ithink Paddy would have returned up the staircase after his assailant.Jem Bottles probably would have gone away nursing his wrath and hisinjury, and planning to waylay the kicker on a convenient night. Butneither would have taken a guinea and said no more. Each of thesesimple-hearted reprobates was too spirited to take a guinea for a kickdown a staircase.

  Any how I had a mind that I could be a gentleman true enough withoutthe help of Jem and Paddy making fools of themselves. I would worrythem no more.

  As I was musing thus my eyes closed from a sense of contentedweariness, but I was aroused a moment later by hearing Paddy addressJem Bottles in a low voice. "'Tis you who are the cool one, Jem!"said he with admiration, "trying to make them think you were _him_!"Here I was evidently indicated by a sideways bob of the head. "Haveyou not been seeing the fine ways of him? Sure, be looking at hisstride and his habit of slatting people over the head, and his grandmanners with his food. You are looking more like a candlestick thanyou are looking like him. I wonder at you."

  "But I befooled them," said Bottles proudly. "I befooled them well. Itwas Mr. O'Ruddy here, and Mr. O'Ruddy there, and the handsome wenchshe gave me many a glance of her eye, she did."

  "Sorrow the day for her, then," responded Paddy, "and if you would becozening the girls in the name of _him_ there, he will be cozeningyou, and I never doubt it."

  "'Twas only a trick to make the time go easy, it was," said Bottlesgloomily. "If you remember, Master Paddy, I have spent the most of mynew service waiting under oak-trees; and I will not be saying that itrained always, but oft-times it did rain most accursedly."