by Eva Haining
“I like you, too.”
“Then why the fuck are we wasting what little time we have fighting about stupid shit? Is fucking me so bad that you’re trying to find an early off-ramp?”
“You know that’s bullshit. You’re the one who said it doesn’t matter whose thighs you nestle yourself between.”
“I’m an idiot, and I didn’t mean it. I am not good at this. Relationship stuff.”
“So you didn’t go and fuck some other girl last night?”
“Of course not. I might talk a big game, but I’m not as much of a dick as my mouth makes me out to be. I haven’t been with another woman since the first night we were together. I want to fuck you, Belle, only you. So hard, and so many times that I leave a lasting imprint on your memory when you leave this town.”
“But you don’t want to get involved with me because of her. Am I right?”
“Yes, but not in the way you think.”
“Then tell me.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears as she casts her gaze to the ground. It fucking breaks my heart.
“You’re right. I don’t want to think past this month with you, and that’s because of Maisie. I promised myself when we split that I was going to find myself a hometown girl who didn’t have aspirations of fame and fortune. You’re everything I swore to avoid.”
“Then why did you ask me to come here? Why are you letting me stay at your house and sleep in your bed?”
“Because as much as it scares the shit out of me that you’re going to leave and become a massive star, I’d rather have you in my life for a short time than not at all. I’d rather take the pain of missing you than never having the chance to know you. I want you, Belle, for as long as possible.”
Her lips crash down on mine, sending me into a tailspin.
“Would it be terrible if we left your new business partners to their party and go back to your place? I’m done fighting this. Let’s just enjoy what little time we have together and deal with the goodbye later.”
“Music to my fucking ears.”
Ten
BELLE
“The Barbie dreamhouse is coming along nicely.” Knox hates it when I call it that, but I just love the face he makes when I say it.
“You realize you’ve ruined the place for me now, don’t you?” Since the night we left the ranch and agreed to enjoy the here and now, I’ve been catching a ride with Knox when he leaves for the farm at some ungodly hour every day. I’m used to crawling into bed at two in the morning after gigs, and now I’m getting up at five to go paint his new house.
We’ve fallen into an easy routine over the past week, and it’s been amazing. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried and eaten the contents of Knox’s refrigerator off the best platter in the world—his abs. We rarely get more than three hours of sleep on any given day, losing ourselves to the undeniable chemistry that burns between us like a supernova.
At the end of the day, he walks down here to have a beer or two with me before we head back to his place in town.
“Yeah, but you really love it.”
“I honestly don’t. At this rate, I’ll need to sell the place when you leave to cleanse myself of the Barbie connotations. Plus, seeing as you won’t let me in the damn place, I’m assuming you’ve changed out all my color schemes for pink.”
“Magenta, Knox. Attention to detail is everything.” I’m rewarded with his raspy morning laugh. His drawl is sexy at the best of times, but early in the morning, for the first hour or so after he wakes up, his voice seems extra deep with a rasp that could melt your panties off in four seconds flat.
“Girl, don’t toy with me. I’m going to be living out the rest of my days in that house.”
“Then it’ll give you something to remember me by, so you can’t change the pink.” An uncomfortable pause hangs in the air between us.
Knox pulls in through the front gates of the farm and swiftly changes the subject. “Have you heard from Johnny? How’s he doing?”
“Really well. He says he hates everyone else in the group therapy sessions, but he’s working the steps and seems to be serious about getting clean.”
“That’s great.” As he switches off the engine to his truck, he looks at me with the furrow in his brow that tells me he’s being serious. “So, how long until you go to LA?”
“Not sure yet. A week, maybe two.”
“You must be happy about that. Getting things back on track.” He looks about as happy as I feel at this moment.
“Mixed emotions, if I’m honest.”
“Why?”
“Don’t be obtuse.”
“I’m not. It was a genuine question.”
“You really want me to say it?”
“Girl, I’m not trying to piss you off right now. I’ve learned my lesson about getting on your bad side. I asked an honest question. You have this amazing life coming your way, why would you have mixed feelings about it? It’s going to be incredible. You’re going to be incredible. You already are.”
I get out of the truck, considering my words carefully. “Would you say we’re friends now? Proper friends.”
“Yeah. I’d say we know each other pretty well at this point in time.” He gives me that sly wink as he tips his hat, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, making me go weak at the knees.
“Take sex out of the equation. I’m talking about friendship. We’ll keep in touch, right?”
“An equation without sex is a math problem I have no desire to solve.”
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.” God, he’s handsome, and when he has that dirty-minded glint in his eye, I want to jump his bones.
“We have more than just sex, though. We laugh a lot, and we have many interests in common, don’t you think?”
“Sure. You tick all of the boxes. We are definitely friends… who have unbelievable sex.”
“So we’ll stay friends, right?”
“Do you want the honest answer?”
“Of course.”
“Yeah, we’re friends right now. I love everything about hanging out with you. You’re funny as hell, you’re gorgeous, you have a big, beautiful heart, but you know as well as I do that when you go, you’ll be busy making amazing music. We might text back and forth for a while, but eventually, life will take over, and as much as we’d like to stay in touch, it’ll fall by the wayside.”
I fight back the lump forming in my throat right now. “Would it be better if I hadn’t come? Maybe I should leave now and get it over with.”
“What are you trying to say, Belle?”
“I’m saying that I can’t stop thinking about leaving and never seeing you again, and you seem surprisingly fine about it. So, maybe for my sake, I need to go sooner than later, especially if you think we won’t even be friends when this is all over.” I stand to go inside and grab a few bottles of beer, but he follows me in.
“How am I the bad guy right now, yet again? You came looking for me. You wanted no-strings-attached sex. You said you wanted to enjoy us and deal with the goodbye later. Why is it that I’m giving you exactly what you asked for, but I’m a dick for it?”
“That’s not what I said. I know what the rules were when I first arrived. I’m just the idiot who can’t help thinking maybe this could be the real deal. The more time we spend together, the more I want to make it work.” When I twist the caps off the bottles, Knox swipes them from my hands but sends the chilled amber liquid flying to the ground. All over his hardwood floors.
I grab some paper towels and drop to my knees to clean it up.
“Leave the damn beer, Belle.” He’s standing over me, his brow furrowed as he stares me down.
“No, it’ll ruin the wood. Why did you snatch them so hard? I’m capable of carrying two bottles of beer out onto the back porch.”
He reaches down and pulls me up into a standing position before backing me up against one of the yet-to-be-painted walls, bracing his hands on either side of me. I can’t breathe with
his lips only an inch from mine. “What do you want from me, Belle? I’m trying to give you what you asked for, and somehow, it’s not enough. Am I not satisfying your needs? You said friends with benefits, nothing more, nothing less. I gave you that. You want friendship, here I am. You want my cock, have at it. What more can I give you?” He’s frantic as he moves closer, his lips now mere millimeters from my own. “Tell me what you want because I’m going out of my damn mind here, trying to figure you out.”
I can feel his heart thumping in his chest, pressed tight to mine, sending a vibration coursing through every cell in my body. “I want you, Knox. I know in your eyes this can’t work long-distance, but I want it. I crave more of you. I know I shouldn’t, and it’s not fair on you to change the goalposts at this point, but if I keep it in another day, I’m going to be crushed under the weight of my desire for you.”
He runs his lips over mine in a ghost of a kiss, holding back as his breath becomes labored. “You have me. Every part of my body is yours to claim, to enjoy.”
“What about your heart?”
“That, I can’t give you. I won’t. If I do, I know I’ll never recover when you leave this one-horse town.”
“Then come with me. You said it yourself, you never wanted to run this farm. There’s a whole world out there, Knox. Why don’t you come and see it with me? Give us a chance.”
He pushes himself away, putting as much distance as he can between us, running his hands through his hair as he paces the floor.
“I can’t just follow you around like a lovesick puppy, waiting for the moments you want to play with me. I have responsibilities, but even if I didn’t, I’m not the guy who lets a woman keep him. It’s not me, and I don’t want it to be.”
I feel like my heart is being crushed from the inside out.
“But it’s okay for you to be Mr. Charitable, letting the poor helpless musician stay with you for a few weeks?”
“That’s different, and you know it.” What I thought was going to be a pleasant evening of dinner on the back porch and maybe a skinny-dip in the river is now a clusterfuck of emotions I didn’t even realize I was feeling, and I definitely wasn’t expecting Knox’s response.
“It’s not different, Knox. I came here because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to see if we could be more. Now, I’m asking you to do the same. Come with me, and see if what we have right now could become something more than sex.”
“If I’d known you were looking for a relationship…”
“You never would’ve let me stay and ride your cock.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth, Belle.”
“I have my answer, Knox. I don’t think there’s much else to say. I’ll pack my stuff and be out of your hair tonight.”
“What the fuck? We’ve gone from playful to breaking up in the space of five minutes. And we’re not even dating, so the breakup part is really fucking strange.”
“As I said, I went and caught some feelings, but that’s not your problem, it’s mine.” I head for the door, fighting the urge to cry or slap him in the face.
“You’re not going off half-cocked, Belle. You can stay at my place, and I’ll stay here tonight. Then maybe we can talk tomorrow when things have calmed down. Don’t just leave.”
I don’t look back as I start walking. I don’t have a car, so I get to stew by myself for the length of the walk back to town. He doesn’t come after me, and I hate that he doesn’t, even though he’s right. I told him what I wanted, and we agreed on a month of sex and friendship. I just didn’t bank on falling in love with him.
I’ve been tossing and turning, wishing I could take back what I said tonight. A few more days with Knox would’ve been better than nothing at all. Deep down, I know he’s right. We’re heading in two completely different directions, but I had a kernel of hope that maybe he’d want to at least try to make it work.
My anger isn’t directed at him. I’m annoyed at myself for turning this into something it’s not, and now I don’t even know if he’d want me to stay for the week I have left. I hate that I’m being a simpering lovestruck girl right now. I’m a strong, independent woman, and I never let guys get under my skin like this. There’s just something about Knox that has me turned upside down and shaken to my core.
In the end, I pull out my guitar—the one man in my life who’ll never disappoint me. Caressing his strings, I pour my confusion into the words, forming a melody as I struggle to understand why I’m so upset about all of this.
A key turns in the front door lock, and for a split second, I’m fearful that someone is trying to break in. Of course, then it dawns on me that they wouldn’t use a key—it’s Knox. I’m not sure if I can face talking to him right now, so I take the coward’s way out, laying my guitar on the bed beside me and curling up into the covers. I’m like a possum, playing dead. If he thinks I’m sleeping, we won’t have an awkward conversation that ends with me grabbing my stuff and leaving town.
I can sense him standing in the doorway as I pretend to be sleeping, but my pulse is racing, and all I want to do is kiss him and feel the way his body fits mine so perfectly. As he pads across the room, my breath becomes labored. The faint scent of his cologne lingers in the air as he leans down and brushes the hair from my face before pressing his lips to my cheek.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way, Belle. I’m sorry that I seem to be fucking it up.” I’m bereft when the warmth of his skin fades away, but I hear him moving my guitar off the bed, and he climbs in beside me. Being in such close proximity, I can’t help myself, turning to snuggle against his chest. I don’t say a word or open my eyes. Breathing him in, the storm inside me begins to settle to a dull roar as he wraps his arm around me, smoothing my hair with a sigh of relief.
I want to say so many things at this moment, but I hold it in, knowing he won’t reciprocate. My brain is telling me to savor this last embrace and leave Kingsbury Falls behind when the sun comes up to keep my dignity intact and save my heart from any further pain. My body is screaming at me to stay and wring every last ounce of pleasure from Thomas Knox before we kiss goodbye and go our separate ways. Then there’s the part of me that I need to shove down into the depths where I keep all the shit that’s happened to me in my life.
Knox’s breathing becomes slow, and even as he falls asleep with me in his arms, I don’t want to fall asleep. I don’t want to forget how it feels to lie with him—it’s as easy as breathing in a cool summer breeze. From the first time we hooked up, everything between us has felt so natural like we were destined to be in each other’s lives in some way. Whatever he feels or doesn’t, I can’t bear the thought of not having him as a friend when this bubble bursts.
Eventually, I extricate myself from his embrace and throw on a t-shirt and shorts, pulling on my favorite pair of chucks before grabbing my guitar and heading for the door.
Kingsbury Falls is beautiful early in the morning just before the sun rises. It’s so quiet and picturesque. Nothing is pressing. No one’s in a hurry. I slide my guitar strap over my head and walk the rest of the way with the comforting, familiar feel of my guitar on my back. Lyrics are swimming in my mind, multiple new songs fighting for my attention.
There’s something about the farmhouse, and when I see it appear on the horizon, a strange sensation fills my chest. Maybe because I’ve never really had a home to call my own, being part of helping shape the interior for Knox gives me pride I’ve never had when it comes to apartments I rented. Stupid really, considering it’s not even my place.
Knox added a handcrafted porch swing the other day, and it’s the perfect spot to look out over the fields and enjoy watching the sunrise. He really is talented with his hands, and I don’t just mean the pleasure he can wring from my body. His craftsmanship is truly stunning. I take a seat and start playing my guitar, letting my voice ring out to the heavens, oblivious to the passage of time.
The sun is up, and the birds are singing the harmonies as I strum the last chord on th
e third song I’ve written this morning. I’m not generally so prolific in a day, and especially not at the crack of dawn. Something about this place inspires me. He inspires me.
When I’m done, I head inside and start working on painting another room in this beautiful house. I can just imagine it years from now—Knox raising a family, kids at his feet, a pregnant wife who he’ll worship in all her hometown beauty. Maybe one day he’ll hear my songs on the radio and catch himself staring at these walls, remembering our time together with fondness.
My day gets away from me as I lose myself in the comforting monotony of painting. It’s not until my phone rings out that I notice the time. How can it be dinnertime already? I’ve been here for twelve hours, and it barely registered.
“Hey, Johnny.”
“Hey, Blue Bell, how’s it hanging?”
“By a thread. How are you doing? You’ve made it over the halfway point, so how do you feel?”
“Honestly?”
“Always.”
There’s silence on the line for a few moments before he answers. “Right now, I feel like I’d sell my soul for a line of coke. I’m not going to do it, but the temptation is there, and it’s pretty loud when I’m alone in my room at night.”
“The fact that you recognize the feeling and are actively fighting it has to be a good thing, right?”
“So my shrink says. Anyway, I have another week before I can leave this joint, so fill me in on your shenanigans in K Falls with the cowboy.”
“You want the saucy version or the real one?”
“Aren’t they one and the same? A month of hot ranch loving and then farewell.”
“That was the plan. I just… I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about leaving. He’s all about the no-strings sex, so he’ll be just fine when I head out to LA, but I’m starting to get too attached to him. He’s funny, sexy, kind, and easy to spend time with. He listens to me like he actually cares.”
“Then why is it bumming you out? You like him, he likes you. Bingo.”
