by Helen Lacey
“No,” he replied quietly and glanced in her direction. “Not until you’re twenty-one.”
T.J.’s eyes rolled dramatically. “But that’s forever.”
Jake grinned. “When’s your birthday?”
“March third,” her son announced loudly.
Abby waited, watching as Jake took a few moments, wondering if he was working out the math calculation in his head from the day they’d slept together and knowing he come up almost two months short. He didn’t know T.J. was premature. No one in Cedar River did other than her grandmother. When he replied, there was no query in his words. “Not forever. Just five thousand, one hundred and ninety-four days.”
T.J.’s eyes widened disbelievingly. “You can do math really fast, like me!”
Abby’s whole body clenched. Of course, her son would find common ground with Jake, but the idea it was happening so fast filled her with dread. She didn’t have much time. Jake was a smart guy. Too smart. If she didn’t come clean soon, he’d work it out for himself.
She grabbed glasses for the cider and discreetly observed her son and Jake interacting. Their son. The salad was done, and she took cutlery and plates to the table, aware that Jake was watching her movements. Something uncurled inside her. And she knew, without a doubt, that nothing had changed.
It’s still there...
The awareness. The attraction. The connection that drew them together from the very beginning. It was easy to remember what loving Jake had felt like. Easier still to recall his touch, the taste of his kiss, his breath against her skin. Making love with Jake had always been more than simple sex. Even that last time, when they were both grieving, both reeling from the loss of someone they’d both loved, there had been an intensity about the moment that still had the power to reach her to the core. And now, years later, he was in her kitchen, and they were acting absurdly normal, and he had no idea the child who was now looking at him with budding hero worship was the child he’d gifted her that afternoon so many years ago.
She instructed T.J. to take a seat at the table, and Jake quickly moved around the counter. The kitchen immediately seemed smaller with him in it, and she felt his nearness like a cloak enveloping her.
“Need some help?” he asked.
She nodded and passed him the salad bowl and bread basket. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
She tried to ignore the sexy way his eyes glittered. And failed. “Um...are you still prepared to teach T.J. how to ride a snowboard?”
“Of course.”
“Great. I wasn’t going to purchase gear until I was sure he was interested in doing it, but obviously he’ll need a board. I think Gran has a couple of old boards in her garage.”
He frowned and then grinned. “If you mean those same old boards that we used when we were kids, the ones that you picked up at that yard sale, forget it. Remember when you crashed yours and split it down the center?”
Abby did remember. She’d taken a tumble and hit her head. Jake had been at her side in a microsecond and then carried her back down the mountain. And he’d sworn not to take her again without the proper safety equipment.
“I still have a scar here,” she said and touched her temple.
His gaze was rivetingly intense. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared in my life as I was in the fifteen seconds it took me to get from where I was to where you’d crashed into that tree.”
It was quite the revelation. And couldn’t possibly be true. He’d been a war zone. He’d been a witness to the car wreck that had almost killed his brother Hank. He’d returned to Cedar River to be by Mitch’s hospital bed when the other man had suffered life-threatening injuries. Much more intense situations than her tumble in the snow. But Jake didn’t lie. For all his faults, he was always honest about who he was. He’d never lied to her about joining the military, never made her believe he would change his mind.
“I didn’t realize...”
He didn’t respond for a moment. Didn’t do anything other than look directly at her. “I’ll borrow some gear from Joss,” he said quietly. “I know he takes his girls snowboarding and has plenty of safety gear.”
She nodded in agreement and grabbed the lasagna. Dinner was quickly on the table, and sitting opposite him, it occurred to Abby that this was the first time she’d had a man at her dinner table since Tom. She didn’t date, didn’t entertain, didn’t really have any male friends she could call upon for companionship or anything else. She’d only ever had two lovers—her husband and Jake. Not exactly a prude, but since she and Jake had gotten together in senior year and she’d begun dating Tom just months after they broke up, she’d never had the time or opportunity to consider being with anyone else. And she wasn’t wired the casual sex kind of way. Sure, she liked sex as much as the next person, and had missed having it in her life the last few years, but she was a mother first and foremost, and she wasn’t in a position to enter into a casual sexual relationship with anyone.
Even Jake.
Where did that come from?
Sure, the attraction was still there...she was savvy enough to register the awareness building between them. But she had more important things to concentrate on...like telling Jake he had a son.
“So, T.J.,” she said as she broke a piece of bread into pieces. “Jake has agreed to teach you how to snowboard.”
Her son’s eyes grew as wide as saucers. “Yay!”
“But there are rules,” she added. “You have to listen to everything he says. And no tantrums if you fall off, okay?”
Her son was a perfectionist by nature, and she knew he struggled with understanding why some activities were beyond his physical capabilities because of his age. But she wasn’t worried about him being safe. She knew Jake would take care of him, knew he could be trusted to ensure her son followed the rules.
“I promise, Mommy,” T.J. said and grinned happily.
“How about Sunday?” Jake suggested.
“Yay,” her son said again, clearly delighted by the prospect.
“You can supervise,” Jake said quietly, looking at her. “Or join in.”
“Yes, Mommy,” T.J. said excitedly. “We can all go snowboarding.”
She smiled toward her son. “I’ll think about it.”
T.J. grinned, then put down his fork, chewing the food that was in his mouth before he asked a question she was completely unprepared for.
“Mommy, is Jake your new boyfriend?”
Chapter Six
Jake wasn’t sure who was made more uncomfortable by the child’s unexpected question. He fought the sudden impulse to tug on his collar. Instead, he watched as color rose up Abby’s neck and smacked her cheeks. Still, she looked cute when she was embarrassed. Beautiful, in fact. And in her jeans and red sweater, with her hair up and her face free of makeup, he couldn’t remember ever seeing her look more attractive.
“Ah...well...” she said, her voice trailing off. “No, and I don’t think that’s—”
“Kenny Diaz’s mommy has a boyfriend,” T.J. said matter-of-factly. “But he lives with them all of the time. Kenny’s daddy is in heaven, like my angel daddy.”
Jake saw something undeniably raw in Abby’s expression. Angel daddy. Tom, of course. It was a nice way to honor the memory of the child’s father. “I knew your dad,” Jake said gently. “He was my best friend in school.”
The boy’s eyes widened. “He’s my angel daddy,” he corrected. “Because he died and watches over me, but Mommy says one day I’ll —”
“T.J.,” Abby said quietly. “Why don’t you finish your dinner. It’s your favorite.”
He nodded. “Sure, Mommy. And then can I read my new book?”
“Of course.”
Jake listened to their exchange and smiled to himself. He felt sad for his friend, thinking how Tom would never get to experi
ence a conversation with the boy, or sit at the dinner table with him, or teach him how to snowboard. The truth was, Jake liked the idea of spending time with his friend’s son more than he’d imagined he would. For the last decade, and particularly since he’d left the military, he’d avoided doing anything that resembled anything like domesticity. He’d dated several women in the last couple of years, but never longer than a few months, ending things before he could get too settled or in too deep. And he had never dated anyone with children. The truth was, he’d had little to do with kids. Sure, he imagined he’d get married and have his own children one day, but that meant commitment. And, of course, falling in love. Being in a relationship with someone who already had kids—or a kid—was something else altogether.
Not that he was thinking about that in relation to Abby. It was simply dinner, for heaven’s sake. And the promise to teach her son to snowboard. Besides, they had way too much history, and he was leaving soon. Maybe not immediately...but soon. Which meant starting something in Cedar River was out of the question. Even if, at times, it did feel as though they had unfinished business. But it wasn’t anything he was prepared to pursue or contemplate.
Once dinner was eaten and the dishes were cleared, her son left the room.
“He’s a great kid, Abby,” he remarked and drank some cider. “You should be really proud of him.”
“I am,” she replied and moved around the kitchen counter.
Jake got to his feet and stood on the other side of the countertop. “Tom would be, too. It’s nice you named him after his father.”
Her eyes shone brightly. “I felt it was the right thing to do.”
He nodded and then asked a question that had been nagging at his brain for the last week. “Why didn’t Tom’s parents stay in town? I lost touch with them years ago.” The truth was, Jake hadn’t had anything to do with Tom’s folks since Tom and Abby had hooked up. But he always remembered them fondly. “I find it strange they left when they had a—”
“Memories,” she said, cutting him. “Sometimes they make a person stay. Sometimes they make a person leave.”
He knew exactly what she meant. Jake had left Cedar River to join the military and exorcise the rage and resentment he felt toward his father, and to help make him a better man. One who was controlled and disciplined and fully in charge of himself. And for the most part, Jake believed he’d succeeded. He always endeavored to be the most authentic version of himself.
“You know, Abby, when high school was over, I never really believed you’d end things between us,” he admitted. “I thought you’d...wait. Back then I was so determined to be the exact opposite of Billie-Jack, I don’t think I really considered the consequences.”
She stopped the task she was doing and turned to face him. “I watched my mother grieve a husband she lost to war...and like you, I didn’t want to end up as a shadow of my parent.”
“So, it was gridlock?”
She nodded. “Exactly. We both wanted different things back then. And I don’t regret marrying Tom for one moment.”
“You shouldn’t,” he said and shrugged. “Tom was a good man. The best.”
“Strange,” she said and sighed. “That’s what he used to say about you.”
Jake could believe it. He and Tom had been firm friends. To some, theirs appeared an unusual alliance, he figured. Tom Perkins came from a traditional middle-class family. He had an older sister, Trudy, a stay-at-home mom and a postal worker father. Tom was a C student in school, but he tried hard and was good to be around. While Jake’s family was imploding after his mom’s death, Hank’s accident and Billie-Jack’s inability to be a responsible parent, the Perkinses were the poster children for what a well-balanced, normal family looked like.
“I remember once,” he said softly, and then sighed. “I’d been in a fight with Billie-Jack. I was, I don’t know, about fourteen...that day the old man was picking on the twins for some reason of his own. I remember he’d taken the strap to Joss, and I said something to antagonize him so he’d switch his anger to me. I’d had a growth spurt that summer, so I was bigger and stronger. Billie-Jack gave me a black eye and a cut lip. I broke his nose.” He paused, thinking of the violence of that time, wondering how they’d all pulled through so seemingly unscathed. Billie-Jack’s rages were unpredictable, fueled by alcohol and memory of the wife he’d lost, and Jake always endeavored for those rages to be directed toward him and not the younger kids. “I went to Tom’s that afternoon, and his mom patched me up. I can remember thinking, this is what a family should look like, this is how it should be. Thankfully, Billie-Jack was out of our lives a couple of years later.”
“I remember that black eye,” she said and met his gaze. “I was crushing on you back then and wanted to ask you about it. I’d heard the rumors, of course, about your dad, and knew your mom had passed away. You know, I used to envy the fact you had so many siblings...there seemed to be a Culhane in every grade at school. I guess we all wished for what we didn’t have back then.”
Jake raised a brow. “Except for Tom.”
She shook her head. “He envied you.”
“Why?” he asked incredulously.
“Because you were strong and fearless,” she said simply. “Because you had the courage to fight for what was important to you. And then the courage to fight for your country. He always admired that about you, always bragged about his friend who wasn’t afraid of anything.”
“I didn’t fight for us, though, did I?”
She shrugged. “I was so busy fighting against us, I don’t think it would have mattered.”
“I guess everything worked out as it should have,” he remarked quietly. “You married Tom and had a great kid.”
“I’m very grateful for T.J.,” she said so softly he could barely hear her. “He’s the most important thing in the world to me.”
“I can see that. You’re a wonderful mom, Abby.”
“Jake, about T.J.,” she said, her expression hauntingly vulnerable in that moment. “I know that you—”
“I’ll make sure he’s safe when we’re snowboarding,” he said, cutting her off. “If that’s what you’re concerned about. I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”
“I know,” she replied. “I trust you.”
Something uncurled inside his chest, something that had everything to do with Abby knowing him and trusting him with what was most precious to her. And for some reason he couldn’t fathom, she looked achingly vulnerable, as though she had the weight of the world pressing down on her narrow shoulders.
“Thank you for dinner,” he said, figuring it was time to leave before he did something foolish—like kiss her. “I should get going. I need to send off the proposal to O’Sullivan tonight.”
“If you get the contract, does that mean you’ll be staying in town a little longer?”
He shrugged, feeling the heat of her gaze through to his blood. “I don’t usually get involved in the installation side of things. I’ll hire contractors for that. I had planned on leaving after the wedding.”
“That’s next weekend, right?”
He nodded. “Best man duties. But Mitch has asked if I’ll stay until after Christmas,” he said and shrugged. “I’m not sure. So, I’ll pick you up in the morning, around nine?” When she frowned, he quickly elaborated. “For your tree, remember. We promised your son.”
She hesitated and then nodded. “Yes, of course.”
Jake lingered by the counter for a moment and then pulled his keys from his jean pocket. “Good night, Abby.”
“T.J. will want to say goodbye,” she said and called her son.
Minutes later, Jake was at the front door, jacket on, helmet in his hand, promising T.J. he’d see him the following day. The child was beyond excited about the prospect of getting a Christmas tree. He noticed how they remained on the porch as he drove off, and h
e waved once he was down the street. By the time he was back at the hotel, the uneasy knot that had been gathering in his gut all evening gained momentum. He couldn’t peg the cause and didn’t imagine it was anything other than a simple reaction to spending time with Abby after so many years. But he couldn’t be sure. Despite the feeling, being with Abby and her son had had an unusual effect on him. Because he liked hanging out with them. And it wasn’t simply because he was still attracted to Abby. It wasn’t about getting laid. Or even about mending fences or assuaging the guilt he felt for sleeping with her after Tom’s death. It was the same thing it had always been—an unrelenting connection that went soul-deep. Heart-deep. She was the only woman he had ever loved.
And, he suspected, still did.
* * *
As promised, Jake arrived on her doorstep at nine o’clock the following morning. T.J., who had quickly decided Jake was totally awesome, was waiting on the porch, wearing his favorite overalls, rubber boots, gloves and an orange parka. Jake pulled up in a top-of-the-line Ranger, complete with a booster seat in the back, which she recognized as belonging to his brother Joss.
Abby ignored how good he looked in his jeans, black shirt and sheepskin lined aviator jacket. All her energy needed to go into telling Jake that T.J. was his son. She was a nervous wreck and he’d figure out why soon enough.
Where’s my nerve gone?
It had spectacularly deserted her over the past week. But the more time Jake spent with T.J., the more opportunity he would have to put the math together and realize he was his son.
Guilt plagued her...and rightly so. For whatever her reasons for keeping his paternity a secret in the past, the fact that Jake was suddenly in the present should be all the motivation she needed to come clean.
And I will...but first, I want them to bond a little more.
It was about protecting T.J., about making sure that Jake had a real connection to him before she dropped the bombshell.
“Good morning,” he said when he reached the gate.
