by Helen Lacey
While Abby locked the front door, T.J. was down the steps and through the gate, high-fiving the man he had assumed was her new boyfriend. Since male company was so lacking in her life, Abby wasn’t surprised her inquisitive and highly intelligent son had come to that conclusion. Jake was the first man she’d invited to dinner in their home, the first man she’d consciously allowed T.J. to spend time with other than his teacher and coaches at school. She still considered him too young for sleepovers at the homes of his two closest school friends, although they had both asked. Besides, he could be willful and defiant at bedtime, and that wasn’t something she wanted to force onto another unprepared parent while he was still so young. Maybe in a year or two, but for now, Abby was content to keep him close.
Except for the walking and talking complication of Jake Culhane!
“Hi,” she said and headed down the path.
T.J. was quickly secured into the booster seat in the back, which they’d taken from her car, and he and Jake were chatting about something she couldn’t hear. She pushed back her alarm and smiled when Jake opened the passenger door for her. She looked at her beaming son in the back seat, and her heart flipped over. He looked so happy—she could barely imagine how he would feel once he knew the truth about Jake. He’d be confused too, and rightly so. But Abby suspected happiness would override any other feelings. At least, that’s what she hoped for.
They were on the road shortly after and headed to David McCall’s ranch. Abby had met David many times and knew his son Jasper from the elementary school T.J. attended, although he was a couple of years older than her son. And, of course, he was her friend Annie’s employer. The ranch wasn’t as large as the Triple C, the big Culhane spread, but then, David wasn’t exactly a rancher. He owned a very successful accounting practice in town, and his ranch was more like a hobby farm. The white gates were familiar, and she remembered Jake taking her to a few family gatherings on the ranch when they had been dating. Since then, and particularly since T.J. was born, Abby had managed to avoid any real interactions with the Culhanes or the McCalls. Her friendship with Annie was about as close as she got to the family.
Except for right now.
Once they pulled up, she noticed David striding from the stables, with Jasper close at hand. T.J. was out of the vehicle like the Flash, and she quickly followed suit, watching as David and Jake greeted one another with a handshake and laughter.
“Hey, Abby,” David said and smiled. “Nice to see you.”
“You, too,” she said, watching discreetly as T.J. and Jasper hung out together by the corral. “Thank you for this. My son was convinced we’d never get a Christmas tree.”
“There’s plenty left to choose from,” he said and jerked a thumb in the direction behind the main house. “Help yourself.”
She smiled. “Is Annie around?”
He shook his head. “She’s at the Triple C with Tess, doing some last-minute wedding stuff, I think.” He looked toward Jake and chuckled. “I left a chain saw out for you. You sure you’re not too much of a city boy to handle it?”
“I’m pretty sure I’ll manage,” Jake replied.
Minutes later they were all walking around the house, with both boys in their wake, with Jasper giving detailed advice on which tree he thought was the best. T.J., of course, had to inspect every one and finally settled on a lovely Black Hills spruce that would fit neatly into the corner of her living room.
“I love the scent of pine,” she said and inhaled deeply.
Jake had the chain saw in his hand. “Is this the one?” he asked and gestured to the tree beside her.
She nodded and stepped back, and within seconds the chain saw roared. Soon after the tree tumbled while the two boys whooped and cheered on the sidelines and then yelled timber. Jake and David effortlessly dragged the tree back to the Ranger and tethered it quickly and securely to the tray.
“Mommy,” T.J. said excitedly. “Can I go with Jasper and his dad to see his new fish tank?”
She unconsciously glanced toward Jake, seeking reassurance for a second, and then caught herself before he could realize. “Of course,” she said quietly. “But only for a few minutes.”
“Won’t be long,” David said and rounded up both boys, ushering them toward the house.
She watched, arms folded, as her son skipped away from her without a backward glance.
“We can go inside,” Jake said from behind her. “If you’re worried.”
She turned, surprised to find him barely a foot away. “I’m not. I just...well, I suppose I am a little overprotective.”
“Understandable,” he said quietly. “But my cousin is a responsible parent, so he’s quite safe.”
“I know,” she said and smiled tightly. “Habit. I’ve been the constant in his life for so long, although Gran keeps telling me I need to let go.”
“I imagine it’s hard being both mom and dad. He seems very well adjusted, though.”
“He is,” she replied proudly. “But he’s also prone to temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way. Which I’m sure you’ll discover on the way home when he starts asking for a fish tank.”
Jake chuckled. “He told me earlier that he wants a puppy.”
“Or a kitten,” she added and sighed. “Or a rabbit. I think he’d settle for a hamster at this point. But pets are a big commitment, and with my job and his schooling...finding the time for another thing to look after isn’t on my radar.”
He met her gaze. “Shall we take a walk?” he suggested, his eyes glittering with such raw intensity it knocked the breath from her lungs. “Check out the stables? If I remember correctly, you always had a thing for haylofts.”
She colored hotly, remembering how they had played hooky one afternoon in senior year and spent a few hours in the stables at the Triple C, making out and then making love, before being caught by Mitch and the ranch foreman. They’d spent an embarrassing few minutes scampering back into clothes and pulling straw from their hair and then several more minutes explaining to Mitch why they weren’t in school. Even though Mitch was only two years older, by then he was very much the father figure of the Culhane family and the glue that kept them all together.
Abby turned and headed for the stables, halting when she reached the door. The scent of sweet hay and horses assailed her immediately, and memory quickly bombarded her thoughts. During the time they had dated, the scents and sights of ranching life had become as familiar to her as the life she led with her mother and grandmother. She imagined her son living on a ranch, being a part of the legacy that was the Culhane family, and she knew she had denied him that opportunity. The guilt she felt intensified. As did the awareness she experienced whenever Jake was in her radius.
“Jake...”
He grasped her hand, and electricity shot up her arm as he led her farther into the stables. It was cold, but Abby was burning like a furnace, acutely aware of the way their fingers were linked.
“Abby.” He said her name so softly she was compelled to move closer, as though his voice had a seductive power she couldn’t refuse. “What are we doing?”
“Doing?”
His grip tightened. “Why did you invite me to dinner last night? And why did you come here today?”
“You asked me...” she said, her words trailing off.
“Exactly,” he said and moved closer. “And you said yes.”
“Because...because... I want...”
“A week ago you acted as though you couldn’t bear to be in the same room with me. I’m leaving soon. And you and me...me and you...it’s got train wreck written all over it. We both know that.”
Tell him the truth...now.
She let out a shuddering breath and tried to get the words out. “I want... I want you to spend time with—”
“With you,” he said, cutting her off. “I get that, Abby. I want that, t
oo...even though I don’t quite understand why. I mean, of course I know,” he added and shook his head, moving her hand and holding it against his chest. “But we were kids back then. And what happened between us after Tom’s funeral...we both agreed that was crazy and shouldn’t have happened.”
His words struck her down deep. Because saying it shouldn’t have happened was like saying T.J. shouldn’t exist. And that was unthinkable.
“I can’t think that,” she said, feeling him against her. “I did...once. But not now.”
“What changed?” he asked, reaching for her chin and tilting her head up gently.
Abby met his gaze. “Everything.”
“Everything?” he queried softly, his gaze moving to her mouth, and she knew exactly what he was thinking.
“You came back,” she whispered. “You came home.”
“Damn,” he muttered and then he kissed her, his mouth touching hers so softly that she instinctively pushed forward, wanting more. It had been so long since she’d been kissed. So long since she’d felt the intimacy of breath against breath, of a man’s arms holding her, of want and desire. Too long. She’d missed it. And this was Jake. Her first love. And suddenly, she couldn’t resist. Couldn’t deny. Couldn’t forget how much she had once loved him.
His other hand moved along her back and rested on her hip as his mouth gently caressed hers. Abby’s lips parted and his tongue slid inside, finding hers, entwining in a way that was achingly erotic, and she sighed low in her throat, quickly clutching for him, gripping his arms, curling her fingers around strong muscles. There was nothing else to do but feel. Nothing else to feel but the sweetness of his kiss, his touch, the sense that his soul was burning deeply into hers.
Finally, he dragged his mouth away and released her, steadying her as she stumbled.
“This isn’t sensible, Abby,” he said raggedly.
She uncurled her fingers and stepped back. “I know.”
“So, we shouldn’t.”
She nodded. Of course, he was right. She shouldn’t have lost her head. “You’re right. It’s just chemistry, I guess.”
He didn’t disagree and shrugged loosely. “I have a life in Sacramento. Like you have a life here. I don’t want to confuse things for either of us. And if we got involved, things would be confused.”
Abby wanted to shout out that he’d misunderstood her motives. This isn’t about us. This is about our son. Your son.
“Sure.”
He frowned. “Abby, don’t be angry.”
“I’m not,” she said and peered over one of the stalls. A large gray horse swung its head over the door and whinnied softly. Although she’d always been nervous around horses, with Jake at her side she wasn’t scared, so she stroked the animal’s muzzle and sighed. “It was just a kiss, Jake. No big deal.”
“Kissing you has always been a big deal, Abby,” he said and moved up beside her, resting his forearms on the stall door. “That’s the problem.”
It was quite the revelation. But she knew there was truth in his words. Their attraction for one another had remained throughout the years, fueled by memory and the knowledge of things not done and words left unsaid.
“Why didn’t you come back when I married Tom? I know he wanted you to be his best man.”
“You know why,” he replied. “Despite the fact we were over, I couldn’t stand by and watch you marry my best friend.”
She let out a long breath and turned, crossing her arms. “I think he knew that. You know, I did fall in love with him,” she said and sighed. “He understood me. He knew what I was feeling back then, how I was still reeling from our breakup, and he still wanted to be with me. And later he wanted to marry me. He was content to stay in Cedar River and live a quiet life. A good life. One I don’t regret.”
“But?”
Of course there was a but. And they both knew it. She wondered how he could possibly know her so well, could sense her feelings in so many ways, and yet hadn’t figured out the truth of T.J.’s paternity. Blinded by what he doesn’t want to see. If Jake didn’t want to be a father, what then? What would that mean for her son? The notion of her child being rejected wounded Abby to her very core. She needed time to think, to prepare herself for the inevitable disappointment. It wasn’t as though Jake had proven himself to be some kind of family man, after all. He rarely returned to Cedar River to see his siblings. Perhaps he wasn’t wired that way. Not everyone was made to be a parent or to care deeply for family.
“But sometimes I wonder,” she said quietly. “What might have happened if you hadn’t joined the military. Or if I’d been a little more...flexible.”
“Do you mean would we have stayed together?” He shrugged, but his shoulders were tight. “The advantage of youth is being filled with optimism and a sense of invincibility. Back then I thought we were strong enough to get through anything. But neither of us was prepared to compromise.”
He was right. They had both been stubborn and uncompromising back then. “I know you’re leaving soon, Jake, and going back to Sacramento. But...and I know you might not understand why, but I want us to be friends. It’s important to me. And last week, you said that’s what you wanted, too.”
“I do,” he remarked. “I’ve never liked the idea of you being out there and hating me, Abby. It didn’t seem right, somehow.”
“Let’s make a promise,” she said and held out her hand. “We’ll always be friends, no matter what?”
He took her hand, intimately linking their fingertips. “No matter what.”
Abby wanted to believe him, wanted to think they would be able to maintain a friendly relationship once he knew the truth about T.J., but she wasn’t sure.
One thing she did know—her time was running out.
Chapter Seven
As Jake watched Abby and her son decorate the Christmas tree later that morning, it occurred to him that with every hour he spent in their company, the deeper he was getting involved. And the damnable thing was, he enjoyed hanging out with them. Despite the attraction that fired through his blood, despite wanting to kiss her again as he’d done in the stables, he liked Abby. As much as he always had. She was easy to be around, easy to talk to about mundane and everyday things. And he liked her kid, too.
It made him wonder. About family. About what kind of husband and father he would make some day. Faithful, for sure. And protective. The more he thought about it, the more agreeable the notion became. He considered some of the women he’d dated back in Sacramento, realizing that none of them seemed particularly maternal, and then laughed to himself because he figured he knew absolutely nothing about the goings-on of the female psyche.
“Did you say something?” she asked as she draped a tinsel garland around the tree.
Jake was sitting on the sofa, feeling absurdly relaxed, watching T.J.’s animated expression as he played with the Christmas baubles before handing them to his mother. “The tree looks good.”
She planted her hands on her hips. “Yes, it’s a masterpiece.”
Jake’s gaze wandered to the mantel above the fireplace. He spotted Tom’s picture, and regret and guilt kicked in. He couldn’t help wondering what his friend would think of him being back in Cedar River and back in Abby’s life.
Not back, he corrected. Just passing through.
“That’s my angel daddy,” T.J. said and pointed to the picture, clearly noticing Jake’s attention to the photograph.
“I know,” Jake remarked and saw yearning in the child’s eyes. “He would have been very proud of you.”
T.J.’s chest puffed out. “He had red hair,” he said and grinned. “But I’ve got brown hair like Mommy.”
In fact, the child’s hair was darker than his mother’s, and his eyes were green, not blue like Abby’s. For the life of him, Jake couldn’t recall the color of Tom’s eyes. Obviously green, like the lit
tle boy in front of him.
“Are you staying for lunch?” Abby asked, abruptly changing the subject.
Jake’s brows shot up. “Am I invited?”
She nodded—a little warily, he thought. “Sure.”
He did stay, enjoying a relaxed hour over sandwiches and leftover cider, with T.J. insisting he wanted a fish, a puppy and a kitten for Christmas, and with Abby nodding appropriately. The more time he spent with them, the more he realized how much of a handful the child could be. He was smart and inquisitive about anything and everything and had a defiant streak, often pushing his mother’s buttons with unreasonable demands on her time and attention. Abby, however, was amazingly patient and generally managed to defuse her son’s tantrums. Like when she told him to wash up after lunch, he wailed something about not liking the soap in the bathroom. Jake stayed out of it, figuring it wasn’t any of his concern or business. But he felt for Abby, having to be both parents to an obviously demanding little boy.
It was around two o’clock when he finally left, with the promise to see them the following day, and headed to Joss’s place. His brother only lived a few streets away, and when he pulled up outside the large craftsman-style home, his nieces came racing down the front path, calling him Uncle Jake and clearly delighted to see him. It was a strange reality, and one he realized he was beginning to get used to. Family had come easily to both Joss and Mitch, and he knew his nieces adored Hank. Even workaholic Grant was more involved in the girls’ lives than he was. But over the course of the last few weeks, Jake had experienced a shift in his relationship with his family. Being present in their lives had given them, and him, an opportunity to get acquainted as he never had before. For the first time in forever, Cedar River almost felt like home.
Of course, he knew it wasn’t permanent. His life, friends and work were in Sacramento, but he was committed to returning more often—maybe even regularly.
“Your keys,” he said to his brother as he met Joss on the porch, and held out the Ranger’s key ring. “Thanks for the loan.”
Joss’s mouth curled. “You may as well keep them, since you need the truck for your snowboarding adventure tomorrow.”
