The Soldier's Secret Son

by Helen Lacey

  I have a son...

  Every ounce of self-control, every sense Jake possessed of knowing exactly who and what he was, suddenly and spectacularly disappeared, abandoning him when he needed it the most. He’d always counted on knowing he could rely on his instincts. As an adolescent dealing with Billie-Jack’s drunkenness, he would antagonize the old man to keep his fists away from his siblings. As a soldier, he valued the job he was doing, showing courage under fire, being the best version of himself he could be. As a civilian, he worked hard to be successful, to be a valuable contributor to society, to make good choices. And as a man, he always treated people fairly and with respect. He never made promises he couldn’t keep. He never lied. And now, faced with the biggest lie he had ever been told, Jake didn’t know how he should feel. Or what he should think. Or, more importantly, what he should do.

  “He doesn’t know?” Jake asked quietly, fighting the rage and the helplessness seeping through his blood and into his bones.

  She turned, facing him, her eyes glistening. “No.” Then she shuddered. “I had planned on telling him.”

  Jake digested the information. “When?”

  “Soon. After I told you.”

  Jake was so overwhelmed he could barely draw a breath. “Who knows the truth?”

  She swallowed hard. “My grandmother. My mom. My best friend, Renee. And...I think Joss knows.”

  “You think?”

  “He said something at the wedding...and just now, he didn’t exactly looked surprised. I’m not sure...perhaps he just suspected.”

  Jake felt as though his head was about to explode. If his brother suspected it, surely he would have said something? “What about Tom’s parents?”

  She nodded and shrugged. “They never asked who his father was, but I think they guessed. They knew about Tom’s fertility issues.”

  “Is that why they left town?”

  “I think so. There was nothing left here for them after Tom died. And once I came back to town with T.J.,” she said and sighed. “They kept their distance, and a few months later they left.”

  “Came back from where?” he demanded.

  “Denver,” she replied. “When I realized I was pregnant, I visited Renee, to refocus and make a few decisions.”

  “One of them not being to let me know you were having my baby?” he shot back, so angry, so filled with disbelief he could taste the betrayal in his mouth.

  “You were back in a war zone,” she replied. “I didn’t know how to—”

  “Any one of my brothers could have contacted me,” he said harshly.

  “I know that,” she admitted. “But frankly, at first I was just so shocked to learn I was pregnant. Along with the grief of Tom’s death, I shut down, I guess. And then T.J. arrived early, and those first few weeks were so incredibly hard. He was so tiny and I didn’t know if he was going to make it and all my concentration was put into him getting well and I couldn’t—”

  “It didn’t occur to you that I had a right to be there when our child was fighting for his life?” he demanded, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

  “Of course I knew you had rights,” she replied. “I just—”

  “Ignored them?” he said, cutting her off. He paced around the table, despite the fact his legs had gone numb. “Played god. Did exactly what you wanted and to hell with the consequences? Was this the ultimate way for you to make me pay for my leaving town and joining the military?”

  “No,” she said quickly. “Everything I did, I did for T.J.”

  “T.J.?” He said his son’s name and experienced an excruciating pain in the center of his chest. “Goddammit, Abby, you named him after Tom?”

  She shook her head. “I named him after you,” she refuted quickly. “T.J. stands for Tobias Jacob...your name flipped around.”

  Heat burned behind his eyes and he blinked, determined not to fall to pieces. He had to think, not react. Jake took a breath and met her gaze levelly. “Damn you, Abby. Damn you and your lying heart.”

  He had to get away. He needed time to digest it all. Jake strode from the room, not daring to look at her. He grabbed his things and was out of the house and back on his motorbike within minutes. He wasn’t sure where he was going. But he had to clear his head. He had to make sense out of the chaos churning through his blood.

  He drove around for a while and somehow ended up at his brother’s house.

  Joss met him on the porch, and they sat down on the steps, ignoring the cold morning air.

  “You sure do look like crap,” Joss said and bumped his shoulder affectionately. “I take it you had no idea?”

  He frowned. “Nope. Did you?”

  Joss shrugged. “I suspected.”

  So, Abby was right. “How? Why?”

  His brother shrugged again. “I see Abby and the boy at the school sometimes. I never thought the kid looked anything like Tom Perkins. But he looks a hell of a lot like you.”

  “You’ve never said anything?”

  Joss looked at him with obvious regret. “I should have, but I wasn’t sure. And you...” His words trailed off.

  “Are never around,” he said, finishing the sentence.

  Joss nodded. “We hardly talk. And I know that’s just as much my issue and my fault as yours,” he added, “but time passes and things remain unsaid.”

  Jake sighed, realizing his brother was right. And that T.J. did look like him, something he should have been smart enough to see weeks ago. He’d spent a lot of time with Abby and T.J. over the last couple of weeks but had been so blinded by his desire for Abby, anything else had taken a back seat. Sex had foolishly blinded his judgment. But not anymore. “I still can’t believe she didn’t tell me.”

  “I imagine she had her reasons,” his brother said quietly. “You had left town again—maybe she thought you were never coming back.”

  “That’s no excuse,” he said coldly.

  “No,” Joss agreed. “But it might be a reason. The thing is, having kids changes how a person views things. Look, I might talk a good line, but I would lay down my life for my girls in a heartbeat. And I would do anything to protect them. And maybe that’s what Abby thought she was doing.”

  “By keeping him a secret? By lying by omission?” Jake shook his head irritably. “I had a right to know he existed.”

  “Of course you did, but I gather that you and Abby didn’t exactly part on great terms after you hooked up again, right?”

  He shrugged. “It was complicated. After Tom’s funeral we were both looking for something, I guess, and it just...happened.” He looked at his brother and saw the other man’s brow rise questioningly. “I’m not proud of myself, okay? I know it was inappropriate.” Joss snorted. “I know we shouldn’t have done it. I know I acted like a total jerk, and if anything, I should have tried to stop it. But Abby and I...” His voice trailed off, and he sucked in a long breath. “Like I said...it’s complicated.”

  “Then uncomplicate it and go and talk to her,” Joss suggested. “You’ve got a kid...that means your life is about to change, and silence will only make things worse.”

  He knew his brother was right. Jake got to his feet and grabbed his cell, punching out a quick text message.

  We need to talk. The hotel. Three o’clock.

  * * *

  Abby spent the hour after Jake had left at her grandmother’s, pacing the floorboards, cursing her own foolishness, her emotions in turmoil. As expected, Patience was understanding, but also realistic.

  “You must have expected he would be angry,” her grandmother said when Abby had finally settled at the kitchen table, her hands pressed together in a tight knot, staring at the cell phone she’d placed on the table and knowing she should call Jake to see how he was. Because they absolutely needed to talk.

  “Of course,” she replied, shuddering out a br
eath. “And he has a right to feel that way.”

  “But?”

  Abby shook her head, feeling the weight of her turmoil press down on her shoulders. “Being angry isn’t going to change anything.”

  “That’s easy for you to say, I imagine,” her grandmother said softly. “Since you’ve had T.J. in your life for six years and Jake hasn’t.”

  She sighed heavily. “There’s a lot we need to discuss.” Her cell pinged, and she quickly looked at the message, then met her grandmother’s curious gaze. “He wants to talk. Can you watch T.J.?”

  Patience nodded. “You know I’m here for you, Abby.”

  “I know, Gran,” she said and blinked back the tears in her eyes. “I don’t know how I would have coped these last six years without you.”

  “You’re stronger that you realize,” her grandmother said and patted her arm comfortingly. “And I know you’ll get through this.”

  “I shouldn’t have gotten so involved with him these past couple of weeks,” she said frankly. “I mean, I wanted him to spend some time with T.J., but all I’ve done by giving in to my feelings for Jake is make things way more complicated.”

  Her grandmother knew Jake had spent the night, since his motorbike wasn’t exactly subtle, and although she knew Patience wouldn’t judge her decisions, she was always the voice of reason.

  “Are you still in love with him?”

  She shuddered out a breath. “Does it matter?”

  “So, you’re not?” Patience asked, digging deeper.

  “I don’t usually make rash decisions. You know how I’ve typically been so focused about everything I’ve wanted. I’ve been that way since I was young. Like how I knew since I was little that I wanted to be a chef. Or that I didn’t want to be with someone in the military. Or how I wanted to study cooking in Paris. And then how I wanted to marry Tom and have a baby. I had all these great plans for my life, but all the while there was Jake Culhane in the background. The one part of myself I’ve never truly been able to control. Do I still love Jake?” She sighed and then shuddered. “I honestly don’t want to think about what that would mean for me, Gran. Not when T.J. is going to be stuck in the middle.”

  “It’s hard not to follow your heart, Abby,” her grandmother said soothingly. “Believe me, I’ve done it myself in the past. But when it comes to Jake, I don’t think you’ve ever really seen things clearly. I’ve always referred to him as your quicksand, because he’s like something you might believe you can step across without being dragged down, but you really can’t.” She sighed gently. “I never truly approved of your relationship when you were young, Abby. I thought it was way too intense for you.”

  “You never liked him,” she said.

  “I didn’t dislike him,” Patience amended. “But it doesn’t matter how I feel. It matters how you feel. Because now that he knows about T.J., things between you are going to be different. They’ll have to be. That’s probably something you should have foreseen before you invited him back into your bed.”

  “I know, Gran. It was a mistake.”

  She was still thinking about her grandmother’s words as she headed for the hotel a little later. After the wedding, while she was hyped up on romance and memory and the feel of Jake’s arms around her while they danced on the porch, and later, when they’d made love, she had convinced herself she was as much in love with him as always. But in the cold reality of day, things looked very different. The sex had turned her brain to mush. It had made her believe, for a few hours at least, that they had somehow found their way back to one another. And that it would work out. Perhaps if she’d taken the opportunity to tell Jake about T.J., then reconciliation would still seem possible. But the way he’d discovered the truth, with his brother as witness, now made that seem unlikely. And she knew she needed to think only of T.J. and what that truth meant for him.

  When she reached the hotel, she texted Jake, and he asked her to meet him in his room. She didn’t argue and quickly made her way upstairs, using her pass card for the elevator. His door was open when she arrived, and he stood aside as she crossed the threshold. He was in one of the larger suites, with a separate bedroom and living area and a view that overlooked the main road; the silhouette of the Black Hills could be seen in the distance. Abby dropped her tote, removed her coat and laid them both on the sofa, then sat down.

  “Coffee?” he asked quietly.

  She shook her head, thinking about how the black chambray shirt he wore stretched across his broad shoulders. Memories of the night before bombarded her. Of his kiss, his touch, his intimate possession, of every softly spoken word, and then of words unsaid.

  “I’m sorry, Jake,” she said quietly, meeting his gaze. “I know that’s inadequate, considering the circumstances.”

  He moved around the sofa and sat down on a single chair, resting his elbows on his knees.

  “It is inadequate. I want the truth,” he said quietly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You left town and I—”

  “I mean,” he said and held up a hand, “why didn’t you tell me last week, or last night?”

  “I tried,” she said softly. “I really did. But the time never seemed right. And I know that’s no excuse,” she added swiftly. “I know I’ve had plenty of opportunity to tell you these past couple of weeks. I think I wanted to see how T.J. responded to you and—”

  “You were testing me?” he asked bluntly. “Seeing if I was good enough to be a father to him?”

  It sounded bad. But it was exactly what she had done. She sighed. “Yes.”

  “Do you know how goddamned arrogant that sounds, Abby?”

  She nodded. “I had to protect him.”

  “From me?” he asked incredulously.

  “From disappointment,” she replied. “From possible rejection. From the unknown.”

  He sighed wearily. “Do you truly believe I would do that? That I would knowingly not acknowledge my own son?”

  She shrugged a little, knowing her response was inadequate. “I couldn’t be sure.”

  “You know me better than that,” he remarked coolly.

  “I know you haven’t been back to Cedar River in six years,” she reminded him. “I know you’ve made it clear in the past that this town is not your home. I know you have a life in Sacramento and, for all I know, a woman who—”

  “I’m single,” he said and let out an impatient breath. “I’ve told you that already. And I certainly wouldn’t have spent last night with you if I had some secret lover hidden away in Sacramento. I’m not a liar, Abby. You, on the other hand...”

  Abby jumped to her feet. “Okay, you made your point. But I’m not going to apologize for wanting to protect my son.”

  “Our son,” he corrected. “And I think that apologies are kind of useless at this point.”

  “Then what do you want?”

  “For starters,” he replied, “I’d like to know everything about him.”

  Abby walked toward the window, wrapped her arms around herself and replied. “He’ll be six in March. He was four pounds, two ounces, when he was born—I already told you he was seven weeks early. He was in the hospital in Denver for five weeks, and I was with him every day. He had some breathing issues because his lungs weren’t fully developed. But now he’s perfectly healthy and, as you know, highly intelligent and academically advanced for his age.”

  “So, you left town after the funeral and returned with a baby that everyone assumed was conceived with your husband?”

  She turned around, saw that Jake was still on the chair, his expression unwavering. “I never actually said he was Tom’s.”

  “And didn’t say he wasn’t, right?”

  Abby quickly grabbed her tote and rummaged through it, finding the envelope she’d placed in there that morning. She dropped the paper onto the coffee table in front of him. />
  “What’s this?” he asked.

  “Take a look.”

  Seconds later he had the envelope open and was reading the contents. “His birth certificate?”

  “Your name is on that,” she said quietly. “Not Tom’s.”

  The paper shook in his hand, and he quickly met her gaze. “Well, that’s something, at least.”

  “I know it looks as though I was keeping him a secret, and I know I should have told you about him sooner, but the truth is, no one has ever questioned whether he was Tom’s child. I kept my married name after Tom’s death, so that’s why his surname is Perkins.”

  He dropped the certificate onto the table. “He needs to know the truth,” Jake said flatly. “And that’s not negotiable, Abby.”

  “Of course he needs to know,” she said and sighed. “But I need to know what you want, or expect.”

  Jake got to his feet and faced her squarely. “I want,” he said slowly, “the opportunity to get to know my son, and for him to get to know me. I expect,” he added, “your full support.”

  There was no gentleness in his voice. No forgiveness. Nothing that made her think they could have a truce. They were on opposite ends. In a matter of hours, she had become his enemy.

  “Of course. I’ll tell him today.”

  “We’ll tell him,” he corrected. “And not today. I need some time to digest this, Abby. A couple of days. And I want to spend some time with him before we tell him. T.J. needs to know he can trust me before we make some big announcement. I don’t want to upset or scare him.”

  “He already thinks you’ve hung the moon,” she said quietly, pleased that Jake was thinking of T.J.’s welfare above anything else. “I know my son. I know he’s going to welcome this news.”

  “You think?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “T.J. wants a father.”

  “He thinks Tom is his father,” he reminded her.

  “I know. But I’ve always refered to Tom as his angel daddy,” she explained and inhaled deeply. “And as someone who watches over him and protects him. Because on some level, I always knew this day would come and wanted to make the transition as uncomplicated as possible.”