by Helen Lacey
She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself. “Well, like Gran said, he’s smart, so it’s not entirely unexpected. He’s been asking a lot of questions the last couple of weeks. About having a father. About Tom. About you. He’s never had a man in his sphere other than his teachers and soccer coach. I guess he just connected all the dots and figured it out. Did he ask you why—”
“Why I’ve been missing from his life for the past six years?” Jake said, cutting her off, trying to push back his frustration, and failing. “Not yet, but I don’t doubt those questions will come at some point. I’m sure he’ll have some for you, too.”
She nodded, her eyes so bright he could have sworn they glistened with tears and then hated how that made him feel. He didn’t want to feel empathy toward Abby. He didn’t want to feel anything. It was too hard. He wanted to stay mad—to compartmentalize his feelings. That way, he didn’t have to revisist how he really felt about Abby.
“He looked so happy. I’m really pleased that he’s become attached to you, Jake. He’s been wanting this for such a long time.”
She was being completely reasonable, and it irritated him to no end. “Better late than never, right?”
Her eyes flashed for a microsecond, but then reasonable, accommodating Abby was back. “I need to go into Rapid City on Saturday to do some Christmas shopping, so if you want to have T.J. for the day, you can. I think he’s looking forward to another snowboarding lesson.”
He nodded. “Sure.”
She half smiled and looked around. “It’s nice in here. Gran had it renovated earlier this year. It was a sensible idea for you to move in.”
He laughed humorlessly. “Give me a break, Abby. I know you’d prefer me to stay at the hotel or, I suspect, go back to Sacramento.”
“That’s not true,” she refuted hotly.
“Isn’t it?” he queried. “Wouldn’t you like your life to return to the secretive and uncomplicated one you had before I came back to town?”
She plonked her hands on her hips. “I want him to have a relationship with you, Jake. He’s the most important thing in the world to me, and his happiness is my priority. Perhaps my past actions haven’t made that apparent, but I’m trying to make amends to T.J....and to you.”
Jake waved an impatient hand. “Okay, you’ve made your point. You’ll be as obliging as possible to make up for denying me the right to know my son for the past six years.”
Her eyes brightened instantly, and she swallowed hard. “You’re looking for an argument, but I’m not going to give you one.”
He knew she was right to say it and also knew that Abby could read his moods. Despite the years they’d been apart, their connection was still strong.
“I’m trying, Abby,” he admitted and exhaled. “But this situation is hard to make right in my mind. And for the record, I didn’t plan on telling T.J. I was his father without you being here. It just sort of happened. He asked me and I...” His words trailed off for a moment, and then he quickly refocused. “I owed him the truth.” She nodded. “I understand. Sometimes parenting is about improvising. I do it all the time. I’ll see you later.”
She left the apartment, and once she was down the stairs, Jake expelled a long breath. He was right about his motives—imagining that arguing with her was at least better than the neutrality he’d struggled to endure over the last few days. And not that he had any intention of arguing with Abby in front of their son...but he was struggling with his anger and resentment and was desperately trying to figure out what he was feeling.
And obviously failing.
When T.J. returned to his apartment, he was carrying his electronic tablet and insisted on playing a game with Jake before dinner. They hung out together for a while, then at five thirty, he walked T.J. home. Abby was in the kitchen, steaming jars he suspected were for the holiday jelly his son had said she made every Christmas. She looked up and offered a tight smile, telling T.J. to get washed up for dinner. Once their son left the room, she spoke again.
“What are your holiday plans?”
Jake rested his hands on the countertop. “There’ll be a shindig of some sort at the ranch. And I would like to spend some time with T.J. while he’s off from school. You?”
“If I’m not working, Gran and I usually go to Florida to spend it with my mom.”
Jake’s insides twitched. “You do?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“And this year?”
She shrugged a little and waved a hand. “Well, of course I won’t be going this year, as I’m sure T.J. will want to spend some time with you.”
“I appreciate that.”
God, they were so sweetly polite to one other at times it made his teeth ache.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?”
Jake’s auto response was to refuse, but the idea of spending more time with T.J. appealed to him. And he was hungry. And he did like Abby’s cooking.
And as much as he hated to admit it, he was getting tired of being alone with his thoughts and resentment.
He nodded. “Thank you. Can I help?”
She pushed the breadboard, sourdough loaf and knife across the counter. “You can cut.”
He did the task quickly and tried not to look at her. Tried not to think about how the scent of her perfume or the way her hair flicked over her shoulders when she moved. When T.J. returned to the kitchen it got a little easier, and he was able to concentrate on their son, helping him toss the salad his mother had made.
“When I grow up I’m gonna be a chef like like mommy,” T.J. said as Jake passed him a wedge of tomato. “Or a soldier, like my daddy.”
Jake caught Abby’s startled expression. Because he knew, without a doubt, that the last thing Abby would want is for T.J. to have a military career.
“You know,” Jake said and gently smoothed a hand over his son’s head. “I’m not a soldier any more. Now I work with computers. You like computers, right?”
T.J.’s interest was quickly diverted and he began chatting about his gaming console. Jake met Abby’s gaze, saw relief and a hint of gratitude in her expression, which helped alleviate the tension between them.
Once dinner was over and T.J. was bathed and wearing his pajamas, he insisted Jake tuck him in for the night. He sat on the edge of the bed, reading from his son’s favorite dinosaur book, and admired how Abby had decorated the room so lovingly. With the mobiles hanging from the ceiling and the duvet with cars printed on it, it was very much a place for a child to feel loved and safe.
“Jake?” T.J. said once the story was finished and he was tucked warmly beneath the covers.
“Yes?”
His son bit his lower lip for moment, then spoke. “Can I call you Daddy now?”
Jake’s throat tightened with emotion, and his eyes burned. “Of course you can.”
T.J. nodded, then smiled sleepily and closed his eyes. “Good night, Daddy.”
“’Night, buddy.”
When Jake returned to the kitchen, Abby was at the table folding laundry. He watched her for a moment, noticing the tiny furrow between her brows as she concentrated on the task, and then wondered why he couldn’t control the crazy way his heart hammered behind his ribs when she was near. The physical connection between them defied his determination to stop thinking about her as anything other than the mother of his son. He didn’t want to want her. In fact, he’d spent the past few days foolishly talking himself into loathing her...or at least trying to.
“Abby?”
She looked up and met his gaze. “Is he asleep?”
Jake nodded and took a breath. “I want...” He stopped, reevaluating his words. “I’d like for T.J. to have my last name. Is that something you would consider?”
“Of course,” she said and nodded.
Her quick compliance surprised him. “Just like that?�
�
“Well, I suppose we should have some kind of transition period,” she replied. “I’ve expected it. And I think T.J. will want it.”
“You know people will talk?”
She nodded. “People always talk. I’m not blind to what it will mean for him. For us, too. Change, certainly. And probably idle gossip. But also the chance to be a part of your family. Your brothers and sister are good people, Jake, I have no hesitation in wanting T.J. to be a part of that. Your family has lived in this town for generations, and they are an important part of Cedar River’s history. I want my son to know that he’s a part of that legacy.”
It sounded too good to be true. Abby was saying exactly what he wanted to hear. And they both knew it. It couldn’t last, he was sure. At some point, Abby was going to object to one of his demands and set boundaries.
“We need to set up a parenting schedule,” he said quietly.
Her eyes narrowed. “Ah...okay. Although you can see T.J. anytime you want to.”
“I was thinking of something a little more formal,” he said and rested one shoulder against the doorjamb.
“Formal,” she echoed and stopped folding clothes. “You mean like a custody arrangement?”
“Exactly.”
She was silent for a moment and pressed a hand down on the pile of clothes. “I’m not sure I see why that’s necessary.”
“Necessary?” he queried and pushed himself off the door. “You kept my son a secret for six years, Abby, so I’m not sure I can trust you not to disappear into the night with him for another six years.”
* * *
Abby had been expecting the hard conversations. And even this one, she supposed. Jake had the right to question her intentions, but it hurt that he still didn’t trust her and saddened her to think they had such a huge divide between them.
“This town is my home,” she assured him tightly. “And T.J.’s home. This is where he feels safe and loved. If I wanted to hide him from the world, I would have stayed in Denver and raised him there. But I didn’t. I came back to Cedar River because I love this town.
“Nice speech,” he shot back. “But Abby, you’ve already lied to me for six years, so I’m not sure what to believe.”
Her hurt returned. A bone-deep, heart-wrenching hurt that had been consuming her for days. Of course, she knew Jake had every right to question her motives, and to be angry. But it still made her ache inside knowing he thought so badly of her.
“You can believe me now, Jake,” she assured him.
“I want to,” he said and sighed heavily. “For our son’s sake.”
The mood between them didn’t shift for the following couple of days, but they did manage to settle into a routine of sorts. On Saturday, Abby headed into Rapid City to do some Christmas shopping with Patience and Annie, and T.J. stayed at home with his father. Hanging out with Jake, it seemed, had become her son’s favorite thing to do in the whole world. To say her friend was shocked to discover the truth of T.J.’s paternity was an understatement. Patience headed off to the local department store, leaving Abby and Annie to take a break at a nearby café.
“So, what about you and Jake?” Annie asked over cake and coffee.
“There is no me and Jake,” she said flatly.
“But I thought, after the wedding, you know...you guys...”
“It was just sex,” she admitted and ached all over thinking about it.
“To him?” Annie said and raised a brow. “Or to you?”
“I’m not going to waste time imagining that Jake and I are going to have some romantic happily-ever-after,” she said and sighed. “He’s T.J.’s father, and that’s all. Besides, he’s made it very clear what he thinks of me for not telling him about T.J.”
“He has a point, though,” Annie said frankly. “I mean, you did keep it a secret.”
“No one ever asked,” she said. “People assumed he was Tom’s and I—”
“I get it, Abby,” Annie said gently. “You felt like you were backed into a corner and couldn’t explain. It’s not so hard to understand.”
“It is for Jake,” she remarked and sipped her coffee.
“He’s reacting because he’s in the middle of something that’s completely out of his control. Give him time. I’m sure he’ll come around and understand your reasons.”
Abby wasn’t so sure. The past couple of days had been difficult ones. Of course, T.J. was happier than she had ever seen him, and Abby was delighted her son had a father to call his own. When Jake wasn’t around, T.J. talked about him constantly. And Tom, too. Abby answered as truthfully as she could, gently explaining the difference between his angel daddy and his real daddy and he seemed to accept her explanation. However, witnessing the affection growing between them only amplified the guilt she felt knowing she was responsible for keeping them apart for so long. And guilt was a harsh companion. It weakened her defenses against her feelings for Jake and made loving him acutely painful. Of course, he could never know she still loved him. That would only add humiliation to her already fragile emotions.
By the time she pulled into the driveway that afternoon, it was past two o’clock. She left her packages in the car, since she knew T.J. would begin questioning who they were for the moment she got them into the house. Although he was an incredibly curious and smart child, he still believed in the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus, and she wanted him to hold on to those beliefs as long as he could. She heard the television as soon she opened the front door, but she was drawn to the sound of voices coming from the kitchen. She was down the hall and about to turn the corner when T.J.’s voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Daddy, why didn’t you come back and be my daddy a long time ago?”
There was a long silence, and she remained behind the kitchen doorway, conscious that she was in the middle of a private conversation between father and son. Of course, she knew T.J. would ask difficult questions. But she didn’t know how Jake would answer them.
“Because I didn’t know about you,” Jake replied quietly.
“But why?”
Because your mom never told me you existed...
“Because I had to go away, and no one knew where I was,” he said, and she heard the clink of cutlery. “I was a soldier, very far away. Remember how we talked about that the other day? And I was a long way from here.”
“Why didn’t Mommy call you? Don’t soldiers have phones, Daddy?”
Jake cleared his throat a little. “Of course,” he replied. “But your mommy didn’t have my phone number.”
Relief pitched in her chest. And something else. Gratitude. It would be easy for Jake to make her out as the bad guy, to blame her, to give her the responsibility of explaining the real truth to their son.
“But Mommy could have tried, couldn’t she?” T.J. asked relentlessly.
“No, she couldn’t,” Jake said quietly. “Mommy had to spend all her time looking after you, because you’re the most important person in the world to her.”
T.J. took a few seconds, then spoke again. “I wish Mommy had your phone number, Daddy, because then you would have known I was here the whole time.”
“Well, I’m here now, buddy.”
“Forever?”
“Yes,” Jake said, and Abby swallowed the lump burning in her throat. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m glad. You know, once Mommy couldn’t find a phone number and she looked in the big book that Great-Gran has, the one with all the numbers in it.”
The simplicity of T.J.’s reasoning was impossible to ignore, and an all-too-familiar guilt pressed down on Abby’s shoulders. She took a breath, waiting for Jake’s response, feeling like an intruder as she listened on the sidelines but was unable to drag herself away.
“If Mommy had any way of telling me, she would have,” Jake assured their son. “But it’s not Mommy�
��s fault, okay? It’s all my fault I didn’t come back sooner. Can you forgive me?”
Abby’s throat burned, and she pressed back against the wall, breathing heavily. She gathered her composure and walked back down the hall, opening the front door loudly. She heard footsteps racing from the kitchen, and T.J. was quickly in front of her.
“Mommy! Mommy! Daddy and me had the best time ever today!”
Abby hugged him close, looking up briefly to see Jake standing in the hallway. “You did? That’s wonderful. Do you think you could go and read in your room for a while so that I can talk to your dad about a few things?”
Her son looked reflective for a moment, then nodded. “Sure, Mommy. Are you looking for a place to hide my Christmas presents?”
She grinned. “Nope, they’re already hidden. Only Santa knows where they are.”
“Not Daddy?” he asked and frowned.
“Well, yes, Daddy too,” she corrected, knowing how important it was for Jake to be included within the frame of their son’s reasoning.
Once he was out of sight, Abby looked back toward Jake. “Can we go into the living room to talk?”
He nodded and followed her into the front room, waiting while she half closed the door. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked.
“About T.J. He’s so happy at the moment. Thank you, Jake,” she said and swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. “For being everything that he’d hoped for.”
Jake’s eyes glittered brilliantly. “He’s a wonderful child, Abby. You’ve done an amazing job raising him alone.”
“I had help,” she admitted and shrugged. “Gran was always here to help me, and I’ve had great friends, too. But I appreciate your confidence in my parenting, although it hasn’t always been easy.” She hesitated. “There’s a Christmas concert at his school next week, and there’s also a teacher/parent meeting coming up in a few weeks. I’ll let you know the date so you can be there if you want to.”
“Yes, I would,” he said quietly. “I’d really love to be there for both. It’s obvious that he’s smart and that he requires more academic stimulation than most six-year-olds.”
