by Helen Lacey
“He does,” she agreed and drew in a breath. “And thank you for what you said.”
“What I said? About what?”
“I mean, what you didn’t say,” she corrected. “I heard you earlier, when T.J. was asking why you haven’t been in his life. I know you could have said something very different. I appreciate how you—”
“Anything I said,” he said quietly, “I said for my son’s sake. He doesn’t need to know the details. And he certainly doesn’t need to think badly of his mother. I’m not that petty, Abby. The fact is, I’m very proud to be his father and plan to do a much better job than my own ever did.”
“I know you will.”
He stared at her, going deep into her eyes, into that place she’d always saved for only him. She saw so much in his gaze—anger, resentment, bitterness, betrayal, disbelief—so many emotions she knew he had every right to feel. But it still hurt. And she saw something else, too. The awareness that still throbbed between them. It would never wane, she was certain. It had been set ablaze when they were sixteen, and nothing would dilute their attraction for one another.
Finally he spoke again. “Why did you do it?”
Abby twisted her hands tightly together. “I told you why. I was confused and didn’t know how to find you and—”
“Not that,” he rasped, waving an impatient hand. “Why did you marry Tom? Why the hell did you marry my best friend?”
Abby gasped, and the real truth teetered on the edge of her tongue. “Because I... I wanted to...”
“You wanted to what?” he demanded.
Abby swallowed hard and shuddered. “I wanted to punish you for leaving me.”
His gaze narrowed, and he made a scoffing sound. “Well, you certainly realized your ambition.”
“I was so young, and I blamed you for not staying.”
“I told you why I had to leave,” he shot back. “I didn’t want to end up like my father.”
“You wouldn’t have,” she said quickly.
“You sure about that?” he queried. “I was angry and hotheaded back then. I hated my old man and everything he stood for. I had the devil on my back, Abby, and I knew the only way to ditch that devil was to live a life that was structured and disciplined. I knew the military would channel all that rage into something else. Because of what happened to your dad, I thought you’d understand.”
“Because of my dad,” she entreated, “I didn’t understand at all. I knew the risks, Jake, better than anyone. What if something had happened to you? What if you were injured, or worse? I knew I didn’t have the strength for any more loss. I didn’t want to be a soldier’s wife. A soldier’s widow. I didn’t want my children to be without a father.”
“And yet, ironically,” he said, his mouth tightening, “our son has been without his father for nearly the first six years of his life. Don’t you think the odds would have been better if you stuck with us back when we were young?”
“Maybe,” she admitted. “But I wanted—”
“To punish me?” he repeated her words as though they injured him to his very core.
“I’m not proud of my behavior.”
“I hear you, Abby. I’m smart enough to figure out that I’m not exactly blameless in this...but I still have a hard time understanding. The truth is, at the time I was sure that you’d find a way to be okay with me enlisting and then we’d get back together. But no...you took off to Paris with Tom.”
“You told Tom you were okay with us getting married.”
“What the hell did you expect me to say?” he demanded, running a hand over his face. “I was being deployed, and two days before, I get a call from Tom asking me be the best man at his wedding to my ex-girlfriend. Of course I wasn’t okay with it,” he said, clearly frustrated. “I’m still not okay with you ditching me and then jumping into Tom’s bed while I was at boot camp. I’m not okay with you marrying my best friend. And I’m not okay with you keeping my son’s existence a secret for the last six years!”
He took a long breath, dragging air into his lungs, glaring at her. It was the first time he’d mentioned his feelings about her marrying Tom. Back then, she’d simply accepted his response as a man who no longer cared. But had she been wrong? She’d convinced herself he’d fallen out of love with her, choosing the military over their relationship, over her. It never occurred to her that he had still cared. If he had, he would have fought harder. And he wouldn’t have enlisted in the first place.
“I didn’t think you cared,” she admitted hollowly.
He stared at her. “Seriously? Back in high school, we were as close as two people could be. When Hank had his accident, and when Billie-Jack left town and everything was turning to crap and family services was threatening to tear my family apart, you are what kept me sane. You kept me from allowing my hatred for Billie-Jack to consume me. You made it bearable. You were unfailingly supportive and always there when I needed you. And then you weren’t,” he added humorlessly. “And somehow, you ended up falling for my best friend and then marrying him.”
“I thought we were over...”
“Over?” he laughed. “We have a child down the hall. We’ll never be over, Abby.”
They were close, barely a foot apart, and she felt the intensity of his frustration vibrating through her. Instinct made her reach out and rest a palm against his chest. His heart thundered beneath his rib cage, and she sucked in some air, trying to calm herself, trying to ease the turmoil racing through them both. And then, without another word, she was against him and his arms moved around her waist.
“I shouldn’t have married Tom,” she whispered, reaching up to touch his face.
His eyes bored into hers. “No, you shouldn’t have.”
He kissed her hotly, like they’d been starved of one another for an age. Abby pressed against him, running her hands up his strong back, feeling his muscles bunch, drawing the tension in his body deep into her fingertips. His tongue was in her mouth and she took it eagerly, feeling desire wind through her blood, knowing it was madness, knowing they both were kissing against their will. But the feelings between them were stronger than the resistance, more powerful than any bitterness or recrimination.
He finally pulled back, breaking the kiss, breathing hard, his gaze boring into her, but he still held her in his arms. “I have to... I need to stop wanting you.”
Why?
The word stayed on the edge of her tongue, but she longed to ask it, even though she knew the answer. T.J. Their attraction for one another was muddying the waters, and she knew Jake didn’t want to be derailed in his determination to be a good father to their son.
“Then stop,” she said quietly and pulled away, putting space between them, knowing she was as caught up in desire and attraction as he was.
Quicksand...
Gran was right. Jake would always be the one man she couldn’t resist.
And the only man she would ever love.
Chapter Ten
“So, how are things going?”
Jake was at the Triple C late on Monday afternoon, hanging out with Mitch, Tess and Hank after spending a couple of hours in the saddle, helping out with mustering. He was also trying to ignore the constant pounding of the headache from hell that had been his companion for two long days.
He looked at his brother Mitch and shrugged. “Good.”
“Are you enjoying being a dad?” Tess asked, her hand rested on her belly. His sister-in-law was only a few weeks away from having her baby and looked radiant about the prospect.
Jake nodded. “Very much.”
“He’s a lovely child, Jake,” Tess said and smiled.
“I know,” he said, pride filling his chest.
“And Abby?” Tess inquired.
Jake didn’t wasn’t to get into a discussion about his son’s mother. The less he talked ab
out Abby, the better. “It’s complicated.”
“That’s what he says when he doesn’t want to talk about it.” It was Joss, standing in the doorway, holding an armload of wrapped gifts, who spoke. His brother strode into the room and dumped the presents by the tree. “A couple more loads and I should be done. If anyone wants to help, feel free to volunteer.”
Mitch tapped the cast on his leg. “Count me out.”
The whole family was planning on staying at the ranch over Christmas, including Grant, plus Joss and his girls. Jake knew it was Tess’s idea—a way of bringing the family together over the holidays. He didn’t mind, and intended spending some of the day with T.J. at the ranch if he could work out a schedule with Abby.
“I’ve got blisters from wrapping so many gifts,” Joss said and grimaced.
Hank got to his feet. “Jesus, you whine like a little kid. Let’s get these gifts inside.”
The twins disappeared, and Jake was forced to face the inquisition of his eldest brother.
“You look like you need to talk,” Mitch remarked.
“I’m all talked out,” he said and sipped his coffee.
“Annie told me that Abby is really trying to make amends,” Tess offered quietly.
“Amends?” Jake queried. “I don’t see how she can. She lied to me for six years...that’s not something that can be fixed in a week.”
“You could forgive her,” Mitch suggested. “I mean, I know we were surprised when you told us about T.J., but the most important thing in life is family—and Abby is T.J.’s mom and that makes her—”
“I know what she is,” he said quickly. He could forgive her. If he wanted to get his heart smashed all over again. “I’m only interested in being T.J.’s father.”
“That’s why you look like you haven’t slept for a week.”
“Is there a point to this conversation?” he said irritably.
Mitch sighed. “The point is, we’re worried about you.”
“Don’t be,” Jake said and placed the mug on the side table. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” Hank said as he walked back into the room with his big arms loaded with gifts, Joss a couple of steps behind him. “We can all see that.”
Jake ignored the way his insides twitched. He cared about his family, but he didn’t care for their intrusion into his thoughts and feelings. He wanted to be left alone, to work out his lingering resentment on his own. That was his way. How he’d always done things.
“Look, I appreciate everyone’s interest in my well-being, but I really am doing okay. Finding out about T.J. was a shock, but I’ve accepted it and am happy knowing he’s my son.” He made an impatient gesture. “Now, can we talk about something else?”
“No,” Joss replied and added more gifts underneath the tree. “This is a big deal. And despite how much we all know you hate talking about anything even remotely personal, you gotta face how you’re feeling about this.”
“Why?”
Joss shook his head. “Man, you’re such a hard-ass. Is that what war did to you?”
“Look, just because I don’t express every feeling I have every time I have them, doesn’t mean I don’t feel. I do, okay. But I’m not about to change who I am.”
“You are changed,” Joss said gently. “You’re a father now...that’s about as big a change as it gets.”
Jake’s head pounded. He didn’t want to talk about what he was feeling. Hell, he didn’t want to think about how he was feeling. But his family was relentless. And they didn’t get it. They were a tight unit, and in a way, he’d always experienced an element of exclusion around them. He knew it wasn’t deliberate, and he knew it was of his own making. He’d left. He was the one who’d wanted a different life and a way out to exorcise his demons and fears. He was the one who’d left town and had rarely shown his face in fourteen years.
He jumped to his feet impatiently. “What the hell do you want me to say? That I’m pissed? That I’m so angry with Abby I can’t think straight? I am, okay,” he admitted roughly. “I’m so mad at her right now that most days I can’t bear to be in the same room as her. And the crazy thing is, half of what I’m feeling isn’t even about my son. It’s about her. It’s always about Abby. I feel like I’m back in high school all over again. So yeah, I’m pissed.”
“Because she married Tom?” Mitch guessed quietly.
Jake pushed a hand through his hair. “Because she didn’t understand why I had to leave.”
“I’m not sure any of us understood,” Joss said.
Jake looked at Mitch. “You did.”
Mitch nodded. “I knew you had to get the legacy of Billie-Jack out of your system. I knew you had to belong to something that wasn’t about Cedar River, or this ranch, or even this family. I knew that once Billie-Jack left, nothing was keeping you here.”
His brother, as usual, was right.
“I hated him,” Jake admitted. “I still do.”
“You’re not the only one,” Hank said quietly. “And we get it, you know. We saw how you always put yourself in the middle so that he wouldn’t beat up on the rest of us.”
Jake winced, remembering how often he’d taken a fist from his father that was meant for one of his brothers. And remembering that Hank had more reason to hate Billie-Jack than any of them. “It was all I could do.”
“You mean, to prove you weren’t anything like him?” Mitch suggested.
Jake shrugged. “I think my greatest fear was ending up like our father.”
“I don’t know what he’s like now, and frankly, I don’t care,” Mitch said solemnly. “But I do know that back then, Billie-Jack was angry and resentful and weak. And Jake, you’re nothing like that.”
“Except around Abby,” he admitted.
“It takes time, that’s all,” Mitch said and half smiled. “And now that you’re back, you have time. You are back for good, correct?”
He nodded. “For as long as T.J. needs me.”
“Don’t forget that while you’re so set on doing what’s best for your son,” his brother added, “you might want to consider what you need, too.”
“I have no idea what I need,” he said and sighed. “Or want.”
“Abby?” Joss suggested. “At a guess.”
Jake shook his head. “I can’t resent her and want her at the same time. It’s exhausting.”
“Then pick a side,” Joss teased.
“You ever had the one person you care about most in the world smash your heart to bits?”
“Yes,” Mitch and Tess said simultaneously. Then they both laughed softly, and Tess grabbed his brother’s hand. “I think what we mean,” she said gently, “is that we all go through things we think we can never recover from...and yet, we do,” she said and rubbed her belly. “I never imagined that your brother and I would be back in love with each other, married again and about to have a baby. But we are. And if I had to go through all that heartache again to get to where I am now, I would.”
It was a nice story. But Tess and Mitch had the kind of love that transcended betrayal. “She kept my son a secret for six years,” he reminded them.
“In plain sight,” Joss said quietly.
Jake’s gaze narrowed. “What?”
“She kept him in plain sight,” Joss said again. “And really, any one of us could have guessed the truth had we taken the time to really look at the kid. He’s the image of you, Jake. I mean, I suspected, so I could have said something... I could have asked her, or at least touched base with you and mentioned it. So yeah, maybe she didn’t actually say he was yours, but I didn’t see her running away and hiding him from the world, either.”
“Joss is right,” Mitch added. “Knowing we all live in this town, she could have left, and none of us would have suspected a thing. But she didn’t. She stayed. Why is that?”
“I’ve stopped trying to understand Abby’s motives,” he replied.
“Because you’re still in love with her?” Joss said.
“Because there’s no point,” Jake said, refusing to incriminate himself any further. “Abby and I are done—she made sure of that the moment she decided to marry Tom and then managed to pass my son off as his for six years.”
“I was right,” Joss said and shook his head. “You are a hard-ass...and an unforgiving one at that.”
Jake knew there was truth in his brother’s words. He’d hardened himself over the years, after enduring the worst of Billie-Jack’s violent outbursts, after two tours in Iraq after losing the only woman he’d ever loved to his best friend...hardening his heart was the only way he knew how to get through.
“Look,” he said with an impatient breath. “I appreciate everyone’s concern, but I’m fine. Really. I only want to concentrate on my son and figuring out how be a parent. Abby isn’t a part of that.”
“Yeah,” Joss said and chuckled. “That’s why you moved in next door, right?”
“To be close to T.J. and not his mom. And I plan on buying a house as soon as possible,” he said and pulled his keys from his pocket. “Thanks for your help with my car,” he said to Joss. Using a couple of contacts, his brother had arranged collection and transportation of his Jeep from Sacramento and had had it dropped off at the ranch early that morning. He’d also taken Jake’s bike to his auto repair shop for service.
He left after that, tired of hearing platitudes and advice and the sound of voices that had no clue about what he was going through. He detoured back into town, stopping at the supermarket for a few supplies before he headed back home. Home. It seemed odd thinking of the small apartment as home. He’d been thinking about getting something more permanent now he’d made the decision to stay in Cedar River. Like a house. On the way through the main street he stopped at the local real estate office and picked up a flyer listing all the residential properties for sale in town. He stuffed it into his pocket and headed back to the Jeep just as snow started falling.
