by DoctorHepa
Mordecai looked at me. I shrugged. She’d made it clear from the start that she wasn’t going to change. I was just happy she’d dropped the idea of me turning into a cat also.
“Okay, then,” he said. “A message will pop up, and you have to confirm your choice by clicking on it.”
“Wait,” I said, a horrific thought coming to me. “It’s not going to, you know, change her back to the way she was before is it?”
“Too late,” Donut said. She glowed for a moment. “I clicked it.” She looked at her paw. “I feel the same.”
“No,” Mordecai said. He looked pointedly at Donut. “But it is important to ask questions like that. I made it so she actually chose to not make a choice. Nothing will change, but she will now have access to a few racial benefits she didn’t have before.”
“Benefits? What are they?” Donut asked.
“I don’t know, Princess Donut,” Mordecai said, sounding exasperated. “We never got to examine the cat choice in the menu. You’ll be able to see when we’re done. And you wouldn’t have changed yet anyway. The change doesn’t happen until the end of the process.”
“Okay, Donut,” I said. “We need to think carefully about this next choice. Let’s see what the AI suggests. Okay?”
“Let’s do this,” she said. “Show me anything with the word princess or queen in the title.”
“Okay, moving on,” Mordecai said. A list of items appeared on the screen, though the list appeared to be much shorter than the last one.
Mordecai paused, his eyes flashing as he quickly looked over the selections. “Okay, Princess Donut. It looks as if you’ve been given 34 class choices. That’s a pretty short list. In fact, it’s the shortest I’ve ever seen, but I think that’s a combination of your racial choice and a result of your stats. Your base constitution is still two," He paused. "No, actually it's four now thanks to your racial choice of cat. That's still awfully low.” He again searched through his unseen menus. “Oh, I see now. It’s actually a combination of four things. You both also have that Desperado pass, which precludes several of the classes right off the bat. And Donut has that tiara on her head, which narrows it even further. But that’s all right, there are still a few great choices on there.”
“So what’s good?” Donut asked, looking at the list. “Ohh, that one sounds cool. It sounds menacing yet mysterious and fun. I pick that one.”
“Wait,” I said, jumping to my feet. I caught the now-asleep Mongo in the crook of my arm and rushed to the screen. “Do not pick anything yet until we’ve looked it over carefully.”
Donut pointed at something entitled NecroBard.
Mordecai grunted. “That’s actually not a bad choice. It’s one of the three recommendations.
I looked over the list. The only base classes available to her were Bard, Magic-User, and Barbarian. Each of the base classes had a few additional items under them, including Necromancer, Wind Mage, and Warlock. The NecroBard subclass was listed under both Bard and Necromancer. There was also an Earth Class heading, and the majority of the available items were listed under there. Included on that list were several interesting items, including Feral Cat Berserker, Animal Test Subject, and Roller Derby Jammer.
I looked at the list of the three AI-picked recommendations. They were:
Artist Alley Mogul
NecroBard
And
Former Child Actor
I said a silent thank you to the game gods that they hadn’t named the roller derby one “Derby Queen.” She probably would’ve insisted upon picking it without reading anything. We’d discussed this, and we had a loose plan based on Odette’s advice. But Donut was also prone to go off the rails from time to time.
“Donut,” I said. “Click on each of the three recommendations so we can see the information.”
“I’m telling you right now I am absolutely not choosing this one,” Donut said as she clicked on the first choice.
Artist Alley Mogul
This Charisma and Intelligence-based class is the modern-day merchant. Using your superior artistic talent to entertain and entice fellow nerds, the Artist Alley Mogul travels the world to sell her copyright-infringing wares. While not particularly menacing physically, this plucky merchant is extremely difficult to hurt. Members of this class receive the following benefits:
+5 Dexterity
Instant access to the level-5 Shield spell.
A 25% discount at all stores plus a 15% bonus to money earned from sales.
10% Interest earned on all coins upon descent to the next level.
Level-5 Pathfinder skill
Access to Enhanced Dodge, which allows the Dodge skill to train to level 20.
Level-5 Dodge skill. (Already obtained)
Additional subclasses become available on the sixth floor.
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
Mordecai grunted. “That incentive is a little weak compared to what they usually do. It’s usually a gold box and a couple stat points.”
“I’m not surprised,” I muttered. My eyes immediately focused on that Pathfinder skill. Odette had said I needed to find something with that skill. But we were looking for something else, too.
“Still,” Mordecai said. “This is a very good choice for her. If she can get Dodge over level 15, she will be almost impossible to hit. And a 25% discount at stores is great, too. That’ll be on top of the bonus she already gets from her charisma. Stuff will be half-price for her, and that’s a huge deal. But most importantly, you’d have access to the Pathfinder skill. It’ll make finding stairwells, shops, and guilds much easier.”
“Yeah, no,” Donut said. “Artist Alley? Really? Aren’t those the nerds that like Star Wars and draw pictures of cats dressed like the guys from A-Team and stuff?” She shuddered.
“It’s a good choice,” I said. “Let’s look at the other two.”
NecroBard
This unusual class combines one of the most-loved occupations with one of the most reviled. Necromancers specialize in magic related to raising the dead. Bards must choose an entertainment-based skill. Depending on this choice, whether it be singing, the kazoo, or storytelling, the resulting crawler will use this skill to either entertain, protect, or glamour both the living and the dead.
The NecroBard receives the following benefits:
Instant access to a level-5 entertainment-based skill of their choice.
Access to all membership-based clubs, regardless of current memberships.
Free rooms at all saferooms.
A 10% mana cost penalty on all non-Necromancer or Bard spells.
Instant access to the Level-3 Turn Undead Spell.
Instant access to the Level-3 Panty Dropper Spell.
+5 to Constitution, Charisma, and Intelligence.
-2 Strength
Additional benefits depending on entertainment-based skill choice.
“So help me god,” I said. “I will abandon you right here and right now if you choose to take up the kazoo.”
“I could play an instrument,” Donut said, voice full of wonder. “I could be a singer!”
“We want to keep viewers, remember?” I said.
“What this description doesn’t say is that a lot of the necromancer spells will be cast with her instrument,” Mordecai said. “And that means she won’t have to use spell points to cast them. That’s pretty huge. Plus each instrument has a long list of additional benefits. This is a solid choice if you end up picking a DPS class. Something that does a lot of damage. She’ll have a wide range of both protection and other support skills.”
“Carl, look! I could get a harmonica!” Donut said. She’d pulled up the submenu of entertainment skills. She gasped. “Bongos. They have bongos, Carl.”
“Harmonica? How would that even work?” I said. “You don’t have thumbs.”
“You don’t need thumbs for the harmonica, Carl. Not if I get
one of those neck thingies.”
I had a quick vision of tiny Zev attempting to strangle me after I allowed Donut to take up a ridiculous instrument. “Please, let’s just look at that third choice.”
Former Child Actor
This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by Crawlers who have both received the “Cut!” achievement and have obtained at least one trillion views.
Once a spoiled brat superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You’ll either rise to the top, or you’ll be dead in a ditch in a week.
This unique Earth class is based on the Bard/Rogue Jack-Of-All-Trades subclass, but with a few distinctive differences.
In addition to the following benefits, the most distinct aspect of this multi-faceted class is the Level-3 Character Actor skill. This skill increases in level only upon descent to the next floor.
Additional benefits:
Immunity to all poisons and diseases.
Level-5 Cockroach skill.`
+10 to Charisma.
+15% faster growth in all Charisma-based skills.
The Manager Benefit.
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
I watched Donut’s eyes get huge upon reading this one.
“What the hell is the Character Actor skill? Or the Cockroach skill?” I asked. “And what was the ‘Cut!’ achievement? I don’t remember that one.”
“I got it for being a good actress,” Donut said. “When we tricked the goblin shamankas.”
“Okay, but it doesn’t explain what the character actor part means. Mordecai?”
Mordecai didn’t say anything for several moments. His lip was curled in displeasure. On that incubus face of his, it looked downright menacing.
“What?” he said. “Oh, so Character Actor. It’s a bit complicated. Basically every floor, Donut has to pick a specialty.”
“Specialty?” I asked.
“She can basically pick a new class each floor. Each floor from now on will have a theme. So it would be somewhat useful. If it’s a floor filled with ice monsters, she can pick a fire class, and so forth. But it’s also a chance-based skill. So if she chooses it, and then she chooses a fire mage, the system AI basically rolls the dice and decides how many fire mage spells and skills to give to her. And as soon as she’s done with the floor, she loses the skills and starts over. Each higher level of the Character Actor skill, however, gives better skills. It makes it so she is pretty weak for the early levels, but once you get higher, it can be quite powerful depending on her class choices.”
“I don’t think I like that,” I said. “It leaves too much to chance. What about her existing skills, like Magic Missile and the like?”
“Those are untouched. But if she chooses a class that has a penalty for those skills or spells, they will apply. For example, if she chooses a Necromancer specialty, that Magic Missile spell will cost 10% more to cast, but just for the length of that floor. Or if she chooses Warlock, her constitution will go down one point for the length of that floor.”
I liked that she would be immune to poison and diseases. “What’s the cockroach skill?”
“Basically, it gives a chance to survive a fatal attack. At level five she’s guaranteed one free lethal hit a fight, though she’d be near death afterward. At level ten, your health doesn’t go down at all after the first fatal strike. The problem is, the only way to train that skill is by using it. Or with potions, but that can get expensive.”
“I like it,” Donut said. “If I pick it, then I can just choose NecroBard as my specialty every floor, but pick a different instrument every time. Wouldn’t that be neat? It’s the best of both worlds!”
“Not necessarily, Donut,” I said. “If you get a bad roll from the AI, you might get stuck with underpowered skills and spells until the next floor.”
“Exactly,” Mordecai said.
“Let’s spend some time looking at the other choices,” I said. “But of the three, I think I like the Artist Alley one the best.”
“I agree,” Mordecai said. “I think the NecroBard might be better. But you’re right, Carl. It’s a… dangerous choice for your social numbers.”
We spent some time going over the other choices, carefully looking at all the abilities. The Feral Cat Berserker was basically a barbarian that’d end up getting her killed immediately thanks to her low health, and the Animal Test Subject was a mage that specialized in using poison. It also caused the crawler to glow green. Warlock was a solid choice in terms of skills, but it caused her to lose one point of Constitution, which would make her just too fragile. The others used mostly melee-based attacks and weren’t really suitable.
I took a deep breath. “Donut, I know you’re not excited about it. But I really think you should go with the Artist Alley Mogul class. It’s not perfect, but it’s the most well-rounded.”
“Okay,” she said.
I exchanged a look with Mordecai to see if he was buying it. He appeared skeptical. “Really?” I said.
She approximated a shrug. “We gotta do what’s best for the team, right? You want me to be a nerd, I’ll be a nerd.”
DONUT: CARL ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? HE IS GOING TO BE REALLY MAD.
Carl: Do it.
“Okay, then,” Mordecai said. “The menu is going to pop up now, and you have to scroll down and choose it.”
Donut glowed for a moment. A moment later, she glowed again. “Done. I am now a stupid Artist Alley Mogul.”
“Goddamnit, Donut!” Mordecai cried. “God fucking damnit!”
“And scene,” Donut said, waving her paw.
“Whoa,” I said. Mongo stirred in my arms. “What’s happening?”
“Mordecai dear, that’s Carl’s line. You should pick something else. Carl, he’s upset because I chose the Former Child Actor class. I was acting! Isn’t it great?”
“That not acting,” I said. “It’s called lying.”
“It wasn’t a lie. Not technically. I picked the Artist Alley Mogul as my third-floor specialty. It’s basically the same thing anyway, so I don’t see why he’s so upset. It said I received all the benefits except the 25% discount. Or the Shield spell. Or that Pathfinder skill.”
“That’s like all of the usable benefits, Donut.” I sighed. “At least your Charisma is now higher. And you have that Cockroach skill.”
“And I’m immune to poison and disease!”
“Yeah,” Mordecai said drily. “And you’ve received the Manager benefit.”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “What is that?”
I already knew exactly what the Manager benefit was. Odette had explained it in detail.
“That’s me,” Mordecai said. “I’m the manager. From now on, for the remainder of your time in this godsforsaken place, I will instantly teleport to any saferoom you are in.”
“Yay!” Donut cried.
“No, not yay,” Mordecai said. “I was supposed to transfer to a magic guild after this floor. I like running the magic guild. My room gets bigger, and I have access to my potions and more spells. Now every time you sleep or eat or stop to brush your teeth, I’ll be forced to spend my time with you. Away from my room and my clothes and food. Oh gods, and I’ve lost my tunnel access. No more television. No more access to the information codex. And since I can no longer watch you stumbling around the dungeon, I will have no warning for when I’m to be teleported away. And if you buy a personal space…” He started grumbling under his breath.
“That wasn’t cool, Donut,” I said.
DONUT: I TOLD YOU HE’D BE MAD. I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE MAD AT ME, CARL.
Carl: Yeah, he’s pissed. Sorry about that.
“If you do pick the Manager benefit, and it's not attached to an obvious choice, you’ll want to make it look like a mistake,�
�� Odette had said. “Don't ask him about it, because once he tells you what it is, it'll be too late. He won't be allowed to tell you unless you ask. Make it look like it was all Donut’s idea, and you didn’t have anything to do with it. Mordecai can hold a grudge, but he still sees Donut as a child. He’ll forgive her. If he ever found out you did this on purpose, he would never forgive you.”
“What if that manager benefit is attached to a class that isn’t as good?” I said. “I like having him around, but it doesn’t seem like that great of a trade-off if it hobbles Donut.”
“There’s a lot he can’t tell you or help you with as a game guide. As a manager, that’s all out the window. He’ll lose access to the codex, and everything he tells you will have to be from his own memory. But Mordecai has been in the dungeon for a very long time, and that brain of his is the single greatest resource any crawler can have. As long as he wants to help you, it’ll be the next best thing to having him in the party. He’ll be able to use the chat feature. He is an alchemical master. Get him in front of an Alchemist’s table, and he’ll be able to make you potions. Surely you can see the benefit in that.”
I did, indeed, see the benefit in it. So we decided to take Odette’s advice. I didn’t like lying or tricking Mordecai. He was as close to a friend as I could get to an alien, and I knew this could irreparably harm that trust and friendship if he ever found out. Furthermore, I didn’t trust Odette. We now owed her, and she potentially held something over us. But I did trust that she wanted us to survive for as long as possible.
After quickly discussing it with Donut, we’d decided the risk was worth it. We would pick that benefit if it was available.
Mordecai’s well-chiseled face groused. His smoldering eyes focused on Donut. “Well congratulations, crawler. You are now Princess Donut the Level 13 Former Child Actor Cat. Welcome to the third fucking floor.”
Mordecai glared at me.
“Your turn,” he said.
A note from DoctorHepa
Next up, Carl's choices coming at the end of the week! Sorry for not putting them together, but this chapter is pretty chonky already, at least for me. And the Carl chapter is very crunchy. I hope ya'll are doing well.
