by DoctorHepa
A couple days ago, Jeff Hays from Soundbooth Theater Live did a live reading of Carl and Donut and the Hoarder scene, and I think it came out pretty funny. I encourage you to watch the whole thing, but the segment starts at about 8:30ish
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_ZBrfDxGRY
Chapter 49
Mordecai took a deep breath, and I watched him calm himself.
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s take a look at your race selections, Carl.”
I sat on the bed. I’d transferred the still-sleeping Mongo to the seat. Donut sat next to the baby velociraptor and rested a paw on his tiny head.
Lines and lines populated the screen.
“It looks as if you have 398 choices. That’s a good amount,” the incubus said.
I focused on the line of the three AI-recommended choices and laughed.
Hobgoblin
Human
And
Sasquatch
“Huh, that’s odd,” Mordecai said. “I’ve never seen the system recommend the existing race before.”
“The AI loves Carl’s tootsies,” Donut said.
Mordecai made a face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it.
I clicked on the first one, the Hobgoblin
A spinning, 3D model of a large creature appeared in the air. They were basically large, more muscular goblins, but with festering sores on their faces. My stomach lurched at the sight of the monster, and for the first time what was happening here really hit me.
I can say the word, and I will turn into that thing. Forever. Holy shit.
“Ew,” Donut said. “Carl, you are not picking that. If you’re going to change, you should pick what he chose.” She waved at Mordecai. “An Incubus. Or a Changeling. Yes, a Changeling! You can alter yourself to fit my current class. Carl, wouldn’t that be great?”
“Neither of those are on the list,” I said. I didn’t like the idea of the Changeling anyway. Mordecai had said—like Donut’s Character Actor skill—the facsimile wasn’t always as good as the original. Extreme versatility came with a price.
Hobgoblin
This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Explosives Handling skill by the time race selection becomes available.
A Hobgoblin is what happens when a lady troll manages to get a goblin drunk enough to talk herself into his pants. Large, muscular, and smart, Hobgoblins excel at trapmaking, explosives management, and all-out mayhem. Unfortunately, these guys are so ugly even Gorgons lose their lunch looking upon them. This race is best suited for rogue and fighter-based classes.
Automatic +3 to all trap-based and explosive-based skills.
+5% Faster skill progression in all trap-based and explosive-based skills.
Unlocks higher-tier explosives and trap-making abilities, allowing one to raise these skills to 20.
Free access to all Hobgoblin Sapper Workshops.
-5 to Charisma. Charisma is capped at 10.
+1 to Dexterity.
+2 to Intelligence.
Adds the Regeneration skill (Already obtained via Trollskin Shirt)
This was a good race. In fact, it was almost perfect for the build I had in my mind. But there was no way I was going to turn myself into that thing. Absolutely not. The bonuses were great, but I would lose all of our viewers. They really were ugly. And not cute ugly like Mongo. These guys were genuinely unsettling to look at.
I was curious what the system had to say about humans.
Human
You’re already a human. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you don’t need a description. If you choose this, nothing will change. Except for these racial benefits:
+2 to all base stats.
Adaptability. +2% faster skill progression.
Choosing this race unlocks multiple exclusive, earth-based classes.
I cringed a little as I clicked on my last choice.
A large, hairy humanoid with massive feet started spinning. It looked almost identical to the creature in those beef jerky commercials. It was a stereotypical, hair-covered bigfoot creature with fangs and a giant forehead.
Sasquatch.
This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Smush skill by the time race selection becomes available.
Bigfoot. Yeti (if you choose an ice-based class). Skunk Ape. The list of nicknames for these things is almost endless, but in the end, the result is the same. First you take a human, you cross it with a gorilla, you make them a foot and a half taller, cover them with hair, and then give them size 24 feet. The resulting behemoth is a monstrous melee fighter and tank.
+ 3 to Bash Skill
+ 3 to Smush Skill
-3 to Intelligence
-1 to Charisma
+6 to Strength
+6 to Constitution
+2 to Dexterity
Unlocks higher tier Smush skill.
I eyed the spinning, 3D bigfoot creature with distaste. I focused on the creature’s massive, sparkling feet. That was not going to happen. I didn’t want to become a joke or a fucking parody of an earth creature. I thought of what that orc had said, that I was the AI’s pet. No. No way.
“Advice?” I asked Mordecai.
“Keep looking,” he said. “There are a few additional races available that still give you access to the exclusive earth-based classes. Based on Donut’s offerings, it appears the earth classes are going to be the best ones this year.”
For the next two hours, I read through every available race. There was a wide variety of choices, from short, squat, purple-skinned little people called Night Dwarves to tall, thin gazelle-like fighters called Lyrx Elves to monstrous rock creatures with molten centers called Coal Engines. There was even a finger-sized parasitic worm creature called an Intellect Hunter. I wondered if they were the same creatures who ran the Valtay Corporation, but I was afraid to ask. They could take over the bodies of any creature they killed, though the bodies would immediately start to rot. Mordecai said that was actually a solid choice, but I couldn’t imagine losing myself to that form.
Most of the creatures were fairly balanced with one another. Generally the stats adjusted for a net gain of about 10 stat points, and if they didn’t, it came with a skill bonus or a few random abilities, like night vision, the ability to fly short distances, or inherent, racial spells. The exclusive races, like Hobgoblin and Sasquatch, usually added an extra bonus or two making them slightly better.
I found one odd choice hidden amongst the others. A Primal. I clicked on it, and the 3D image was empty.
Primal.
For the first several seasons of Dungeon Crawler World, all contestants started off as Primals. Primals are blank slates. You will look the same as before. You will obtain all skills associated with your current race, with the following exceptions:
-1 to all base stats
All higher-tier skills are unlocked and are able to train to 20.
Choosing this race unlocks multiple exclusive, earth-based classes.
I thought about this for several moments, trying to decide if this was better or worse than a straight human.
“How hard is it to train a skill above 15?” I asked Mordecai.
“Getting skills up to ten or eleven is relatively easy as long as you use them regularly. Look at Donut’s Magic Missile skill. It’s only the third floor, and it’s already at level nine. But each level after that is a slog unless you really dedicate yourself to training. There are multiple ways to train skills up. There are guilds, equipment boosts, expensive potions, and unreliable spells. If you get a particularly generous sponsor, they might grant you something that’ll also raise a skill. But it can be done with dedication and a lot of strategic planning. Every season, a few crawlers choose this race. It usually doesn’t pay off. Only a rare few crawlers manage to train one or two skills above 15.”
“Is it worth it, to get a skill above 15?”
“Absolutely,” he said. “
A level 15 Fireball is a powerful spell that can ruin the day of most mobs. A level 16 Fireball is literally four times as potent. A level 20 can turn a mountain into an active volcano. If you manage to train one of your punching skills above 15, you will be unstoppable. But you’d have to get there first. If you choose this instead of human, you’ll miss out on the extra 10 stat points you obtain, and you’ll lose five additional points. It’s like starting five levels behind. That’s a big deal. But it’s not insurmountable. It’s well worth it if you plan your build carefully and dedicate yourself to a few core skills.”
“Let me ask you something else,” I said. “The Maestro guy gifted something called a Legendary Skill potion to Maggie during his show. Are those things common?”
“I can’t…” he paused, looking at Donut. His expression soured, as if he just remembered everything had changed thanks to that Manager skill. “They’re not common at all, and if you can find one for sale somewhere, it would cost many million gold. If that Maggie crawler has half a brain, she’ll sell it. But during the faction wars segment on the ninth floor, each clan can bring a war chest of supplies. That’s a specific unit of measurement based on volume. Each clan will usually fill these chests with such potions and magical rings and other small but powerful items. I’ll have to explain how that works later.”
“So they’ll have a bunch of these potions?”
“The ninth floor is going to open up in about a half hour. And about fifteen minutes after that, most of those potions will have already been used up. But not all of them. Again, it’s a lot to explain.”
“So, what’s your take?” I asked. “Human or Primal?”
“You should pick Hobgoblin or Coal Engine, but both will probably lose you viewers. People hate hobgoblins. Interviewers don’t like them on their shows.”
I looked over at Donut, who had fallen asleep. She curled up with Mongo.
“What is a Primal anyway?” I asked. “It doesn’t say. Is it just something made up for the dungeon?”
“Yes and No,” Mordecai said. “The Primals are the progenitors, the first known species to conquer the universe. They are the boogiemen of the cosmos. Nobody knows what they looked like or anything about them other than that they spread across the galaxy, and then one day, they just vanished. There was a great war that spanned all corners of the galaxies. We can see the remnants of the battles. If they were fighting a species other than themselves, we don’t know who they were. When someone comes across an abandoned remnant of their civilization, the resident AI, if it is still sane, usually takes the form of the race of the species who discovered it. That is why they look like whomever chooses them. It is said one day they will return. Mothers call upon Primals to instill fear into their young ones. Some systems worship them as gods.”
I opened up the menu, scrolled all the way to the bottom, and I picked Primal as my race.
* * *
My list of available classes consisted of over 650 choices.
“You’d have even more if you didn’t have that tattoo on your neck,” Mordecai said.
“Why? And what sort of classes are excluded?”
“The Desperado club doesn’t allow, what is the word? Goody-two-shoes? It doesn’t allow those sorts. So no Cleric classes and Paladin classes,” Mordecai said. “Along with a few monk classes, which is unfortunate as they would’ve been worth a look. But I think all three of your suggested choices are good ones.”
I looked over the AI’s recommend choices. All three were from the pool of earth-based classes.
Bomb Squad Tech
Prize Fighter
And
Compensated Anarchist
“Hmm,” I said. I pulled up each one in turn.
Bomb Squad Tech
This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained the Boom! Achievement.
People who actually choose to work with explosives are the craziest bastards around. You excel at making things blow up. And while you’re good at keeping the bombs from going off in your own hands, Bomb Squad Techs still tend to lose both friends and limbs at alarming rates. Luckily this class comes with a benefit that can fix 50% of that problem.
All explosive-based traps will mark themselves as you approach.
All armor is 10% more effective.
The handling of explosives no longer degrades them.
Automatic +2 to all explosive-based skills.
+5 Bomb Surgeon skill
+2 to Dexterity.
+2 to Constitution.
-2 to Intelligence (After all, only dumbasses would choose to do this for a living.)
Plus the Limb Regeneration Benefit.
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
This was good, very good in fact, but it was missing some of the key benefits I was looking for. The next class had the same issues.
Prizefighter
This exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained a Level five in the Pugilism skill.
This is a Monk subclass.
Sweaty, half-naked men circling each other in a ring, turning their faces into raw pulp as the crowd roars. The people in this audience don’t care who is fighting who, as long as one of them ends up a crumpled, bloody heap on the mat before the night is done. Prizefighters don’t do it for the glory, or for honor. They do it to put food on the table. It’s nothing personal.
Prizefighters receive the following benefits:
+5 to Constitution
+2 to Strength.
-2 to Intelligence
-2 to Charisma
+3 to the Pugilism Skill
+1 to the Unarmed Combat Skill
+1 to the Iron Punch Skill
+5 to the Knockout Skill
+(1 x Floor Number) gold for every mob killed with a punch.
Unlocks higher-tier Pugilism Skill benefit (Benefit already received)
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
That +3 in Pugilism was a huge bonus considering I’d already managed to get it to 10 thanks to that Cheat Code potion. I’d pick this class in a second if I thought I could just punch my way through the dungeon. I knew already that wasn’t going to happen. I needed something that was more versatile.
I sighed and pulled up the description of the third suggested class.
Compensated Anarchist
This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have obtained Level five in the Explosives Handling skill and have received at least 500 Billion views by the time they’ve reached the third floor.
When the oligarchs want to manufacture a social movement, or better yet, stop one in its tracks, they must first bring in the big guns. The paid protestors. This Monk/Rogue hybrid class is a trapmaking, bomb-making, social-media dynamo. The Compensated Anarchist will happily throw a Molotov through a window one moment and step in front of a camera to plead for the violence to stop the next. Experts in hand-to-hand and dirty tactics, the Compensated Anarchist only suffers when it comes to more traditional fighting techniques.
+1 to the Bomb Surgeon Skill
+1 to the Trap Engineer Skill
+1 to Unarmed Combat Skill
-25% Damage when using bladed weapons
+25% Mana cost for damage-dealing spells
+5% skill progression speed in all trap-making and bomb-making skills.
+ 2 Hide in Shadows Skill
+ Fear spell
+ 1 Intelligence
+ 5 Charisma
+5 to the Find Trap Skill
+5 to the Backfire Skill
+5 to the Escape Plan Skill
Access to the Desperado Club (already obtained)
Access to the Naughty Boys Employment Agency
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
Compensated Anarchists must choose a subclass upon descent to the sixth floor.
“Holy shit. That seems like a winner,” I said. “This one has a ton of stuff attached to it. Though ‘Compensated Anarchist’ is kind of an oxymoron. I guess that’s the point.”
“Yeah, all those classes with view-count minimums are usually really good. They do it on purpose to give the more popular players a boost. This one definitely seems tailored for you. Let me look deeper into it while you peruse some of the others. There’s probably a few issues hidden under the hood.”
I started sorting through the mass of other classes. I could hide all the ones that didn’t have any special requirements, as they generally weren’t nearly as good.
I didn’t get very far before the world rumbled. I glanced up, surprised. The second floor had collapsed.
The new countdown appeared. We only had eight days to complete this next level.
Welcome Crawlers to the third floor! We have just over 700,000 crawlers remaining. You will have eight full days to complete this floor. We will have a longer announcement later, but we know most of you are currently dealing with your game guides. We are looking forward to seeing what races and classes everyone picks. We have some new, exciting classes available this season! Good luck to everyone!
“Eight days,” Mordecai said, looking up at the ceiling. He shook his head. “If they keep this up, the sixth floor is only going to be open 11 or 12 days. The factions are going to be pissed. It’s usually open for 30.”
I went back to work. There were multiple classes that seemed really good on the surface. Many were similar to the Bomb Squad one, like Riot Forces Support and Trebuchet Commander. And a few of the non-earth ones were interesting as well, including the Rogue Trapmaster and Trickster class.
Donut and Mongo snored loudly in unison as Mordecai and I discussed the ins and outs of each class.
“Just a warning,” Mordecai said. “Donut didn’t have to worry about this, but some of these classes have strict stat minimums. The charisma minimum for the Compensated Anarchist is 25. You’ll have 36 points to distribute, but you’ll be forced to spend 17 of them on your charisma right away, even with that plus five. And then another six to get your base Dexterity up to 10, though I’d recommend that anyway.”
