by Leigh Walker
“But they’ll all die for nothing, just as I said.”
She sighed. “We can’t make their decisions for them. Perhaps the king will show mercy.”
I snorted. “He’s just as apt to grow wings and fly.”
“I’m going to the settlements. I was waiting to make sure you were awake and intact.”
I sat up. “I’m going with you.”
“Absolutely not.” Eve shook her head. “Don’t be ridiculous! You were only just turned. You don’t even know what you’re doing yet.”
I gathered my thoughts. If Eve was leaving for the settlements to protect our friends, I was going with her. But we didn’t need to argue about it just then. “Is Rose okay? And Balkyn? What about Tamara and Shaye?” I groaned. My friends had probably watched the whole terrible incident from the windows. “And please tell me what’s going on with Austin.”
“Rose is much improved. She actually excelled at fighting, which surprised me. You remember how flustered she always was in her human life.” Her smile quickly faded. She was probably worried that Rose was a sore subject. “Shaye and Tamara are beside themselves, of course. They saw Chase attack you. They were quite hysterical.”
“And…now?”
Eve’s face softened. “They are thrilled that you are still with us. They know they can’t see you yet. Tamara’s been taking good care of Beast. She had the staff make him a roast chicken. He ate the entire thing—she said it was therapeutic for him.”
“That’s very kind.” I felt a pang of jealousy. “Does he seem…does he seem to prefer her?”
Eve snorted. “Of course not! She merely took pity on him—the poor thing was whimpering and crying for you. I even saw Austin trying to console it. I thought I was hallucinating.”
I nodded, overcome with emotion. I missed my friends and my pet terribly. Underneath it all, I was worried my life would never, could never, be the same.
“It’s going to be fine,” Eve said as if reading my mind. “That’s what I keep telling Balkyn, too. He’s safe, but he feels terrible, of course. He blames himself for what happened to you.”
I shook my head. “It’s not his fault. I’m the one who told the guards to let Chase loose. Who’d have thought she’d move that fast—and try to kill me?” I laughed, but I felt no humor. “But I don’t care about her. I’d rather never think of her again. I do want to know why Austin hasn’t been here. I haven’t been able to sense him at all. Whatever is the matter?”
Eve’s eyes rose to the door. “You’ll have to ask him that yourself.”
Chapter 18
Guilty As Charged
“I’ll leave you to it.” Eve ducked out before I could say another word.
The prince stood in the doorway, dressed all in black. His amber-and-hazel eyes seemed darker than usual, and his lips were pressed together in a thin line. I’d thought him handsome before, but I now realized what an understatement that was. He was beautiful, dazzling. His eyes, which had always seemed unusual, glowed with new depths of swirling color. I could see the hard lines of his muscles underneath his tunic. I ached for him. I wanted nothing more than to have him hold me.
“Austin.” I reached out to him. “You’re here.”
He didn’t come closer. He stayed by the door as if he were about to make a run for it.
“Why won’t you come near me?”
“I shouldn’t.” He dropped his head. “I’m so sorry, my lady.”
“Sorry for what?” I picked up the blanket and looked down at myself. Mostly, I was the same old Blake—pale skin, legs that could use a good shave, and a white nightgown. “Is there something wrong with me?”
He gave a short, bitter laugh.
“Why won’t you look at me?”
He raised his eyes. His face had aged in the days since I’d last seen him, lines of anguish making him look years older. I hadn’t known that could happen to vampires.
“Because I can’t bear to.”
I gaped at him. “I’m sorry?”
“You’ve nothing to apologize for—I’m the one who did this to you.” He motioned toward me. “You didn’t want to become a vampire. I vowed to protect you, the person I love more than anyone. Yet I failed you again. Your life has ended because of my shortcomings. So I cannot bear to look at you, Blake. You will never be the same, and it is my own doing.”
I felt a dull ache in my chest. If I’d been able to feel my heart, I would have said that it sank. “So are you saying… Wait, what are you saying?”
“I’m not saying anything. I’m just talking.” His voice was ice.
“I don’t understand.”
He went back to staring at the ground. He wasn’t going to come closer. I could sense, very clearly, that he was about to walk away.
“Do you… Do you think I could see Beast?” More than ever, I needed to see my pet. I needed to hold someone I loved and to be held in return, and Austin looked as if he’d rather waltz with a werewolf.
The prince looked so sad as he shook his head. “It’s not safe yet. You might attack him.”
I laughed. “I would never!”
“Blake, you would do all manner of things now that you would’ve never considered in your human life. You cannot see Beast, and you cannot see your friends. Not yet. Again, you have me to thank for that.”
“I will thank you for being a bit of a buzzkill, if nothing else.” I laughed again, but it quickly turned to a sob. I couldn’t believe he was being so cold.
The prince’s face crumpled. “All I do is wound you, my lady. I knew from the start it was dangerous for us to be together. A vampire in love with a human. But selfish to the core, I ignored the truth. And now look at what I’ve done.”
I had to make him understand. “Austin. Listen to me.”
“There’s nothing you can say to make it better.” He roughly wiped his face. “You’ll only make it worse by being kind to me. I don’t deserve it, my lady.”
“Austin. I am fine. I will be fine.” My voice was steady. No heart fluttered madly in my chest. For the first time since regaining consciousness, I was acutely relieved to be vampire, not human. “You saved my life. I was about to die before you turned me. I felt it—I felt the very life draining from my body.”
“But you are not alive. You’re a vampire. It’s not the same thing.”
“How do you know?” I frowned. “As you’re a biological vampire, you’ve no experience to compare it to. But I do. I’m not the same, it’s true. But I am still in here. It’s still me.”
“But what I took from you…” Austin raised his gaze to meet mine. “You can’t ever go back. We can’t ever go back.”
“No, we can’t.” I sat up. “We can only go forward.”
He shook his head. “It won’t be the same.”
“No, it won’t.” I hesitated. My senses were sharper, but I could not understand what he was getting at. He was being cold, so cold. “Are you saying that… Wait. Do you not feel the same about me? Because I am changed?”
“I don’t know what I feel. I only know I don’t want to think about it.” He stepped back into the shadows but not before I saw the look of anguish on his face. “I have to go, my lady. I will send Rose to come and sit with you.”
“Austin, wait!”
But he was gone. I tried to get out of bed, but limbs were too heavy. As I lay there, feeling an icy chill all over, I refused to cry. It was a good thing my heart was no longer necessary—it might very well have been broken.
At the very least, it had been abandoned.
“Are you quite all right?” Rose took the cup from me as I finished.
“I’m fine. I mean, I’m not really fine.” I frowned. “But I’m fine.”
Rose frowned back, her glossy brown hair tumbling over her shoulders. “I don’t understand. Are you fine or not?”
I groaned and lay back against the pillows. “I don’t know.”
“It gets easier—the whole vampire thing. I promise you that.” Ro
se settled into her seat. “The first few days are the worst. It gets better after that.”
I scoffed. “Like when you tried to eat me in the woods? Was that better?”
“That was a one-off, I expect. You smelled divine.”
“And now?”
She leaned forward and sniffed me. “I can’t smell anything at all.” She pursed her lips, and I again noticed their rich, deep tone. The color was even more striking with my improved vision.
“Do my lips look like that?”
Rose tilted her chin. “Like what?”
“Like your lips. Like I’m wearing very posh lipstick or just sucked on a virgin organic cherry or something.”
She giggled. “You haven’t seen yourself yet? That’s a rather fun part.” She bustled to a nearby chest of drawers and dug until she found a hand mirror. She brought it over to me but hesitated when I reached for it. “Just a moment. It’s startling at first. But you were so beautiful in your human life that you must be used to seeing a perfect reflection.”
I laughed. “Perfect? Not so much. Frizzy hair and the occasional zit? That’s my comfort zone.”
She shook her head and handed me the mirror. “You won’t see any frizz here. You’re dazzling, Blake. But of course, you always were.”
I sucked in a deep breath when I looked in the mirror, but then I cursed.
“What’s wrong?” Rose cried.
“I don’t have blazing eyes, dammit!” I cursed again. “I wanted blazing eyes like Eve!”
Rose laughed so hard she almost fell out of her chair. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
I picked the mirror back up. “Yes, yes. But really, I wanted something cool. Eve has glowing eyes, and you have ruby lips. What do I have?” I peered at myself. I looked better than I expected after having been hit in the head with a rock and having my heart stomped on by the prince. My skin glowed as if Giuliana had descended on me with the facial of a lifetime. My eyelashes were thick and lush as if she’d used that horrid curler on me and about ten coats of mascara.
“It’s smashing and all.” I frowned at Rose and returned the mirror. “But I got nice eyelashes? It’s a bit anticlimactic if you ask me.”
She shrugged. “You might discover other special things about yourself as time goes on. It can take a while.”
“I hope so. I mean, Eve’s great at fighting. And I heard you did quite well on the battlefront. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.” I didn’t know if all vampires had special skills. At the moment, Austin’s skill was acting like a super-sulky douche-whinger.
“Of course there is,” Rose said encouragingly. “These things take time. Give yourself a chance.”
“So what was it like—fighting?”
Rose ran a hand through her hair. “It was exhilarating at first. I only fought rebels who went after me, of course. His Highness gave me strict instructions not to harm anyone who didn’t strike me first. But the ones who came after me—I could see the hate in their eyes. They tried to drive stakes through my heart, which should’ve been terrifying, but my senses are so sharp now that it was easy to evade them. And I have to admit…”
“Admit what? Go on. No use in keeping secrets from me now.”
She sighed. “The taste of human blood is very different when fresh as opposed to a donated.”
“Different in a good way? Because the stuff you’ve been feeding me tastes like battery acid.” I wrinkled my nose.
“It’s not that bad.” Rose laughed.
“It’s not that good.”
“True. New blood is much better. The only comparison I could make would be bread fresh from the oven, slathered with homemade butter. Compare that to a dry heal of a loaf that’s been sitting out for over a week, and you’ll understand what I mean.”
I shuddered. “But I don’t ever want to drink from a human.”
Rose smiled at me. “Maybe you won’t, then. Some never do.”
“Is that true?”
She nodded. “Some of the sentinels told me that they’ve only had donated blood. His Highness is a bit of a fanatic about it since the blight.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about His Highness.
“What’s the matter? I’ve seen Austin sulking about, and he looks terrible. Is he upset about what’s going on in the settlements?”
“I’m sure he is.”
She pursed her lips. “I understand that he was heartbroken about having to turn you. Robert felt the same way, you know.”
“But Robert made the best of it, didn’t he? I remember him being worried about you. I don’t remember him making you feel as though you were ruined.” I raised my chin. “Ruined for him.”
“Has His Highness made you feel that way?”
I nodded. “He can’t even bear to look at me. It’s as if…”
“As if what?” she asked gently.
“It’s as if he wishes I were dead.”
Rose sucked in a deep breath. “That’s not true. The prince loves you, Blake. I’ve seen it myself.”
“Maybe he loves who I used to be. Maybe this change is too much for him.”
She reached for my hand. “He’ll come around.”
“He said from the beginning that he didn’t want to fall in love with a human.”
Rose tilted her chin. “Yet he did.”
“But maybe he can’t love me now. Maybe it was my humanity that attracted him in the first place, despite what he said.”
“Blake, give him a chance to adjust to what’s happened. He truly loved you before. That kind of love doesn’t change, no matter the circumstances.” She patted my hand. “He loves you so much that he offered you his kingdom.”
I picked at my blanket. “I didn’t need a bloody kingdom. I needed a friend. I’m afraid he’s quite failed me there.”
Rose nodded. Good friend that she was, she didn’t have anything to say to that.
Chapter 19
Entourage
“I’ve told you for the last time—you aren’t leaving me behind. If I’ve ever needed you, it’s right now. I know I can’t see Gwyneth. I will sequester myself and ask to be put in your old chambers. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep everyone around me safe. Hopefully, the king will allow it.” I couldn’t imagine King Black would cast me out now. It wouldn’t exactly be good PR to have a newly turned vampire on the loose—one who happened to be a Goodwill Ambassador of the royal court.
“But Blake—”
“I won’t hear your objections.” I met Eve’s glare with my own. “You can’t just abandon me and leave me here. It’s my hour of need.”
Eve’s shoulders slumped. “You’re certainly not afraid of a low blow.”
“Is it working?”
She shook her head. “Of course, I don’t want to leave you here, but His Highness won’t hear of it.”
I hopped out of bed. I felt a bit woozy, but I conducted myself well and was careful not to stumble. “His Highness doesn’t need to hear anything about it. What I do is none of his business.”
“Blake, please. You need to talk to him first—”
“Talk to me about what?” Austin was suddenly inside the room. His crossed his arms against his chest, frowning as I grabbed some pants and put them on under my nightgown. “What is it that you think you’re doing?”
“Whatever I want.” I haughtily zipped my pants.
Eve mumbled something behind me that sounded like “Bloody hell.”
“You need to be in bed. You need to rest.” Austin’s eyes glinted in the early-evening light.
“Oh, really? That’s what you think I need, is it?” I huffed and sat down, digging through the clothes on my beside table until I found a shirt to wear.
“It’s not what I think. It’s what I know.” He took a step closer.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t come near me.” My voice shook with a level of emotion I didn’t even know I was still capable of.
A look crossed his face so
quickly I might have imagined it. Is that satisfaction? “As you wish.” He retreated a step.
“What is this—some game you win by pushing me away?” I cried.
Austin rubbed his temples. “I should know better than to try to help.” He turned on his heel and was gone, his dark cape sailing out behind him.
“Oh, he’s a child—I swear it.” Eve stood up, muttering colorfully strung-together curse words. “I’ve had it with him!”
“Not as much as I have.” I pulled on my top. “But no more arguments, Eve. I can’t stay here anymore. He clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“But that’s not true. It’s guilt that’s eating him up inside.” Her curls bounced as she shook her head. “I’ll go talk to him.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Guilt or no guilt, there’s nothing left to talk about. I will not be treated this way for a moment longer. Please ask my maids to pack my bags. I want to leave as soon as I can.”
Eve looked crushed. “He’s never going to sanction this.”
I stood up straight. I was weak but determined. “He is no longer my prince. He has no say over what I do—I rule myself. When I cared about his feelings, I consulted him. That is no longer the case. Now, go tell Isabella what I need. And tell her I send love to her and her sister and thank them for everything.”
I couldn’t bear to go to my room and say goodbye to my maids. I was forbidden from finding Shaye and Tamara, so I left them each a note. I explained that they were safe in the North for as long as they wanted to stay but that I was leaving for the settlements. I also explained that it wasn’t safe for me to speak to them in person yet. Tears in my eyes, I finished Tamara’s letter by asking her to look after Beast. I would send for him when I could.
But of course, I had no idea when that would be. I didn’t even know what I was going to do after I left the North. Everything had changed. Perhaps I would fight against the rebels to help protect the Blacks. Perhaps I would just leave and go off on my own. I had no idea where, of course. I had no idea how I would live. I just knew I couldn’t return home—not like this.
