An Oik's Progress

by Steve Eastwood

  On witnessing this spectacle the table went silent. One or two people sniggered. A couple of the male guests realised the significance of some of the faces as they were, themselves, shown on the dial. They were stunned and embarrassed for Pam but they were not about to express their own disapproval or indignation as they did not want to draw attention to themselves.

  Pam got up from the table and with all the dignity that she could muster she said, ‘Thank you for such a thoughtful present.’ She then trotted to the Ladies loo with a couple of her friends trailing in her wake. The rest of the diners looked at each other trying to detect a flicker of recognition. Who would have had the nerve to have come up with such a “Gift?” Could it have been Clare or Jenny? Nobody would own up to having committed the dastardly deed.

  It was certainly not what was required to make the rest of the evening a success. In fact it killed it. But there was of course another issue that had career threatening implications. Whoever had created the “Shaggomatic” had clearly accessed the personal files cabinet in the Administration Department in order to take a photocopy of the file photos of this happy “Band of Brothers.”

  Terry Connor and Kevin Kelly, as the most senior officers present could imagine the inevitable investigation by the Complaints and Discipline Department should Pam, or anybody else for that matter, make a formal complaint. They were sobering up rapidly and this had definitely brought the festivities to a shuddering halt. Terry suspected one of the chaps and if he were able to find out who was actually responsible he would kick their arse all around the CID office.

  There was only one thing that they could do. Terry and Kevin took possession of the offending item and walked back to the office where it was placed safely under lock and key in Terry’s desk. Before doing so, and while Pam was still ensconced in the Ladies loo, Terry got everyone together. ‘That present given to Pam was well out of order. I want nothing else said about it tonight. I will speak to Pam in the morning.’

  Terry winced at the thought of the Chief Superintendent learning of the matter. He would use it to put the whole of the Department under the microscope and there was bound to be collateral damage. In spite of the alcohol he got little sleep that night and he made a point of getting an early taxi into work, so as to be in a position to deal with any complaint or fall out from the previous evening.

  As luck would have it, the Detective Inspector, Tony Sharp, was on holiday and Terry was Acting Detective Inspector in his stead. Colleagues started to arrive in the Department offices around 8.30am. They greeted him but nothing was said about the previous day’s revelry. Terry could detect signs of some serious hangovers but at least all of the expected staff had made it into work. The only person who was absent from the Department was Pam and this worried him greatly.

  Mercifully there had been very little crime overnight and as the day wore on the resilience of the team was not greatly tested. The place was unusually quiet or at least that was what Terry’s senses were telling him. He expected some kind of eruption which by the afternoon had not arrived. At 2pm he was due in the Chief Superintendent’s office for a Management meeting and he anticipated that this was when the questions might arise. But nothing was said on the subject and nothing came of it.

  But what of Pam? Well Terry was later informed by a reliable source that she had taken the day off and had been comforted overnight by a sympathetic young gentleman whose face had not appeared on the “Shaggomatic.”

  The person responsible for the creation of this article was later discovered by Terry to be a “mature” female member of the support staff. She did not approve of casual sex and she had an axe to grind with Pam.

  After the event and having witnessed the effect that the “Secret Santa” had had on Pam she had suffered an attack of conscience and asked to speak to Terry in confidence. She confessed all to Terry who gave her stern words of advice. He was intent on suppressing the whole unfortunate business and as no complaint had been made, he used his discretion and drew a veil over the matter. Suffice to say, “Secret Santa,” never raised his ugly head again and became a thing of the past.

  Chapter 26 – A bit of fluff.

  Lord Leo Stormont was a fine looking young man. A gay blade, one might say. He was staying at the Hildebrand Country House Hotel in the village of Stoke St Mary on the Lee-over Peninsular. Also staying at the hotel was his valet and personal assistant, Jeremy Jones. Although Jeremy was booked into a single room.

  His Lordship was engaged on a Grand Tour of Southern England never staying at the same place for two nights in succession. They had arrived at the hotel earlier that day and they had enjoyed a marvellous luncheon quaffing two bottles of Champagne that had been paid for using someone else’s money. By any objective assessment it was unusual for the valet to dine with his master. Yet this was by no means a conventional relationship.

  In truth this “Lord Leo Stormont” was not of the noblesse. The title was just an affectation that this young gentleman used from time to time. The man was in fact one Peter Ryan, a career criminal and gentleman thief who, unusual for his calling, was possessed of elegance and style. Jeremy Jones was merely Peter’s latest “Bit of fluff.” A boyfriend he had picked up along the way, and although not a valet as such, it could be said that he did cater for his Lordship’s needs.

  Peter was a wanted man. He was unlawfully at large having failed to return to Featherstone Prison after a short home leave. But he was now enjoying life and every day that he was free was a bonus for him. He knew that his freedom may not last for ever but he calculated that provided he was careful, he might be able to amass the funds to travel abroad and make a new life for himself. He might go to the Caribbean. He rather fancied that.

  Peter specialised in burgling golf clubs where he would steal wallets and cheque books from the changing rooms and on some occasions, he stole member’s cars. He was then able to indulge his lifestyle of boyfriends, hotels and fine dining. Peter was eloquent and charming. He was from good stock and having had a private education at Boarding School he was able to assume the persona of a well to do young man. This enabled him to wring every ounce of potential from the plundered wallets, credit cards and cheque books.

  Following his afternoon tiffin “His Lordship” was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. He was becoming restless and bored with Jeremy who was with him merely because he was willing and available, but at least, he was good to look at. Unfortunately Peter found that these qualities alone were not enough. He just could not match Peter for intellect or hold anything approaching a stimulating conversation. Peter decided to get rid of him.

  He was conscious that funds were running low and that he would have to go out and forage for more.

  He turned to Jeremy, ‘I need to get some money I’m just going out to the bank. I won’t be long.’

  Peter walked out of the hotel, left the complex, and walked for a mile along the lane to a smart Georgian House which stood in about two acres of land. He had noticed it the previous day and had noted it as a possible target for a visit.

  Running alongside the boundary hedge was a bridleway which ran from the road to the rear of the grounds and away across the fields. He took the path and traversed across the rear of the property re-emerging on the road at the other side. It was late afternoon and dusk was starting to draw in.

  He secreted himself amongst the shrubbery and he waited and observed for a short while. There were no signs of life and Peter took comfort from the fact that no lights appeared to have been switched on inside the house. However, there was a Volvo Estate car parked at the rear of the property.

  When Peter felt confident enough to do so he approached the front door and he rang the bell. There was no reply. He had a tale prepared as a contingency should somebody come to the door. He rang the bell a second time to be certain. There was still no reply so he went to the back of the house and he found the kitchen.

  He knocked on the glass of the kitchen door. Nobody answered so he took hi
s spare socks out of his pocket and put them on his hands. He used his elbow to smash the small pane nearest the mortise lock, pulled out the loose shards of glass and put his hand inside. As luck would have it the key was in the lock and the door was not bolted. So it was a small matter of unlocking the door from the inside and letting himself in. Peter knew that he had to be fast and selective.

  It was light enough for him to see without the need of a torch. This was much safer as anyone approaching the house would be unable to tell that there was anyone inside.

  He went through to the hall and on up the stairs to the Master bedroom where he searched the bedside cabinets. He was in luck. There was a cheque book, Access card and Barclaycard in a wallet with a small amount of cash. He placed these items on the bed.

  He then searched a chest of drawers, opening them from bottom to top.

  This was the professional method, since approaching it from top to bottom would entail the closing of drawers and this would take up valuable seconds.

  It contained mainly ladies items none of which were of any interest to him or any real value. There was a silver hairbrush on the dressing table, he took that. There were two military uniforms inside one of the closets. There were also two pairs of highly polished brown shoes.

  He realised that the man of the house must be a serving soldier and of roughly the same physical stature as himself. He sought out some army shirts and a tie. He thought that he might use the uniform to impress somebody at some point in the future.

  He then stripped three pillow cases from the bed, placed the items inside two of them and he then ran down the stairs to the lounge.

  There was a grand piano on which stood framed photographs, some of which were silver. Inside a cabinet were various items of Military Silverware and in the drawer a row of medals. These items all went into the third bag.

  He found a set of Volvo car keys and quickly left the building via the back door and ran to the vehicle. He unlocked the tailgate of the car and threw the pillowcases and other items inside the boot.

  The engine started first time and he was soon out of the main gate and onto the lane. After effecting entry to the house it had all taken under five minutes.

  Peter realised that if he took the obvious route away from the house he might be confronted with the owners of the house coming along the lane towards him so he turned down the first side road that was available. After about a mile of meandering along smaller roads he emerged onto a dual carriageway.

  Peter had already decided against returning to the hotel. He had paid the Receptionist for the rooms with cash, citing the need for a very early start the next morning. He had arrived that morning with barely any luggage and what there was, left no clue as to his identity and could be easily replaced. Sadly the same went for Jeremy but he was sure that he would be ok. He was a nice boy, but a bit of a bore.

  Peter needed fresh meat and a fresh challenge and he knew where he could find both. He drove off in the general direction of Brighton where he knew several people he could call upon.

  Chapter 27 – Irreverence.

  Benny was sitting with John and Kevin in the “Crow’s Nest” it was 3 o’ clock on a Sunday afternoon and it was a warm day. It was April and the summer season had not quite begun but a few early birds had come into town to air their caravans and chalets. It was one of those freak humid days that would often occur in East Anglia. A sort of “false start” in advance of the action to come.

  As far as new work was concerned it was a quiet day and Kevin was bemoaning the fact, ‘Bugger all happening!” He wasn’t really in the mood to do any more paperwork and was looking for a diversion.

  He then saw Millie, the Town Centre Traffic Warden, who was ambling along the street towards the Nick. She also looked quite bored. ‘Stand by. Traffic Warden ahoy! Time for some fun I think chaps.’

  On the other side of the junction and opposite the Police Station was the Odeon Cinema. Benny had been in there both socially and on duty when during the first week of showing “The Exorcist” the Police had been called on several occasions to remove women who had freaked out in the auditorium.

  Between the Picture House and the Police Station was a red telephone kiosk and the inmates of the “Crow’s Nest” had the phone number written on their notice board.

  Kevin timed Millie’s approach to the phone box and he dialled the number. ‘She won’t be able to resist answering this. You watch.’ As Millie came close she stopped, looked at the box and hesitated. She then opened the door and Kevin heard a voice say, ‘Hello,’

  ‘Hello,’ said Kevin, in a posh voice ‘Is that the telephone box next to the Odeon Cinema in Lee-over-sands?’

  ‘Yes dear,’

  ‘I’m so sorry to trouble you, I am the vicar of St Mary’s church in Bethnal Green and I am bringing some of my parishioners down from London tomorrow for a couple of days. I wonder, would you be kind enough to tell me what is showing at the Odeon at the moment?’

  ‘Certainly Reverend, hold on a minute, I’ll find out for you.’

  They then watched Millie leave the phone box and walk around to the front of the Cinema where she looked at the listings near the door. She then returned to the telephone,

  ‘Hello Reverend, are you there?’

  ‘Yes my child, still here.’

  ‘Well on the main screen there is a war film called – The Eagle has landed with Michael Caine.’

  ‘What Certificate is it? Is it an x?’

  ‘I don’t think it’s an x Reverend, I’m not sure.’

  ‘Do you think there might be any nudity or sex scenes?’

  ‘I wouldn’t think so. Not with Michael Caine in it, as I said, it’s a war film.’

  ‘Well my child there is always a chance. I think a quick prayer is in order, don’t you? But I imagine you are a busy young lady so I suggest we just say…Praise the Lord.’

  ‘Praise the Lord,’ said Millie, with conviction.

  ‘Bless you. What about the other screen, what is showing there?’

  ‘Something about a young lady called Emmanuel, I think.’

  ‘Is there any sexual content do you think?’

  ‘Oh I think so Reverend, it’s definitely that kind of film.’

  ‘Splendid, splendid. That’s the one then.’

  ‘I beg your pardon, Reverend,’ said Millie.

  ‘Splendid, we will go and see that one then. Thank you for your help my child. I know that you Traffic Wardens are very busy people.’

  ‘How do you know I’m a Traffic Warden?’

  ‘Because, I have worshipped your body for a long time Millie, you foxy lady.’

  Millie slammed down the phone and rushed out of the phone box.

  Kevin opened the office window and shouted out…’So. What was it again then Millie?’

  She looked up and mouthed…’You bastard,’ she walked away giggling to herself.

  Chapter 28 – Some frightful shit.

  Although there was not much happening during that afternoon, things were about to get a whole lot busier.

  Around 6 pm Benny was alone in the office typing an urgent report when he took a call from the Control Room, ‘Are you free to attend a Burglary Benny?’

  He acknowledged that he was indeed available and asked for the address.

  ‘It’s the Brigadier’s residence in Butt Lane and they are a bit snooty to say the least. Best behaviour I think Benny otherwise you might find yourself posted away to the Foreign Legion.’

  Benny could not find an available CID vehicle but after much pleading with the Uniform Inspector he borrowed the Inspector’s designated vehicle. He arrived on scene after about 20 minutes. The house itself was the official residence of the incumbent Brigadier in command of the local Military Garrison. In this instance it was Brigadier Sir Redvers Penry-Jones.

  Benny was met on the doorstep by Jessie May who, as he approached he could see talking to an attractive middle aged lady who was dressed in country casual clothing b
rown brogues and a pearl necklace.

  He introduced himself, ‘I am Detective Constable Cohen madam, from Lee-over CID and you are?’

  ‘I am Fanny Penry- Jones, my husband, the Brigadier, is away on an Exercise in Germany at the moment and I was silly enough to leave the house for an hour to go into town for some items and some frightful shit has broken in. Also, they took my husband’s Volvo.’

  ‘I have already circulated the details of the vehicle,’ said Jenny.

  ‘Good. May I take it that nobody was in the house when the burglary took place Madam?’

  ‘Yes you may, but usually there would be someone in the house. But as my husband is away I have given the cook, Mrs Dobson, a couple of days off. Then also there would be Lance Corporal Davis who is my husband’s driver and batman but of course he is away on Exercise with him. I usually leave a light on in the hall but I thought that I would be back home in good time before it got dark.’

  Jenny then showed Benny to the point of entry at the rear of the house. He could see that there was nothing very sophisticated about the method of entry but on looking around the various rooms Benny could see that the burglar was probably an experienced hand just by the way that he had gone about his business.

  The Scenes of Crime officer found no “Thief marks” (fingerprints) on the kitchen door or on any of the obvious surfaces. But still, Benny had the vehicle and the credit cards to work on.

  Mrs Penry-Jones soon came up with a list of stolen items which included several pieces of Regimental silver that apart from their intrinsic value had some historic significance. These would be difficult to sell and Benny feared that they would be sold as scrap and smelted regardless of their history. Luckily, there were photographs available of the pieces which would enable Benny to circulate the details via the Arts & Antiques Squads in Brighton and at New Scotland Yard.