I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to force myself to calm down. Working myself into a panic attack would not do me any good. I needed to just suck it up and press the damn button. Then, Emma could help me with my problem. Even if it was technically her fault.
The chiming of the doorbell echoed through the house. I gritted my teeth, my hands balling into fists, as I waited to see who would answer. I wasn't even sure where Nick had gone last night. For all I knew, he could've come here, though his car wasn't in the driveway, so I assumed he hadn't. Tapping my foot on the wooden porch, I fought to avoid having a complete breakdown.
Couldn't someone hurry up and answer the door already?
It was so tempting to keep ringing the doorbell until someone answers, but I reined in that impulse. It hadn't been that long; I was just being impatient. I needed to get my head on straight if I wanted to figure out what I would do next.
When I saw Emma through the glass heading my way, it was like someone dropped a bucket of ice water on my head. I was hyperaware of everything. The birds chirping in the trees was ear piercing. The winter breeze was freezing. My heart was close to bursting out of my chest.
"What are you doing here?" Emma asked with a smirk as she opened the door. Then, her eyes narrowed in on the suitcase next to me before returning to my face. Her expression changed instantly as she pulled me inside and kicked the door shut as she wrapped her arms around me. "Oh god, what's happened?"
I couldn't fight back the tears. They all came out as words spewed from my mouth. It all came out in a rush, and I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to.
Emma stood there, her arms wrapped around me, listening to my never-ending word vomit. Her grasp was comforting, and I leaned against the younger woman, hating myself for needing her this much. I should've been able to handle this on my own, but I couldn't. When Nick hadn't come home something inside me had broken, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to fix it.
"Come on," Emma said once I'd finished my blubbery tale. She squeezed me one last time, then took my suitcase in one hand and my arm in the other, leading me toward the stairs. "You can stay here as long as you need to. Jack's out of town anyway, so it'll give me someone to talk to who isn't still in elementary school."
I laughed at Emma's little joke, using my freehand to brush away the tears. I was glad Jack wasn't home. I doubted I'd be able to face his brothers for a while. No, I needed some girl time, someone I could talk openly and honestly to, and the person was Emma.
"What about Holly?" I asked, looking around for the girl. She hadn't come running out to greet me like she normally did, so I figured she wasn't home. I couldn't be sure though, and I didn't want to risk Holly overhearing things she was much too young to understand.
"She'll still be in bed for at least a couple more hours." Emma glanced over at me and smirked. "She's at that age where she wants to stay up all night and sleep all day whenever she can. She's been up watching those Hallmark Christmas movies they air twenty-four-seven this time of year."
Despite the turmoil inside me, I smiled at the thought. I'd done the same things when I was her age. Back then though we didn't have a giant in-house theater with surround sound and reclining chairs. We had a fairly nice set-up, compared to most people, but it wasn't nearly the immersive paradise Holly was lucky enough to have.
"Sounds like she had a better night than me," I said, trying to lighten the mood. I wished I'd been with her. Watching cheesy romance flicks was much preferable to realizing you'd chased off your own husband. Wallowing in pity wouldn’t help me get over him though.
Emma snickered, shaking her head. "So, how long do you think it'll take for him to get his head on straight?" Emma asked as she lead me into one of the guest rooms.
Sometimes, I could kiss her for her optimism. Today, however, was not one of those days. I walked over and flopped down onto the bed. I'd slept like shit last night, and I had a strong urge to just close my eyes and hope the world was right-side up when I opened them again.
"I don't think he will," I said, flinching at the bitterness in my voice. "It's obvious he wants nothing to do with me. You'd think I could've accepted that by now. But no, I had my head so far up my ass that I couldn't see the writing on the wall."
The bed shifted as Emma sat down next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Don't be like that. This isn't your fault."
"Yes, it is!" I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to even look at Emma. "I'm such an idiot."
"Oh, girl...." Emma let out a sigh. I didn't need to look at her to know she was shaking her head. "If he felt that way about you, he wouldn't have stayed married to you. Hell, he wouldn't have married you in the first place."
I wanted to believe her, really I did. And I couldn't explain why he would stay married if he didn't want to have an actual marriage. But deep down, I knew the truth. I'd forced myself on Nick, taken advantage of him, and now he wouldn't ever want to see me again. There wouldn't be any coming back from this that I could see.
"Maybe I should talk to him, tell him the whole thing was my idea. Tell him I'm the one who put you up to it, that you'd had a few glasses of wine and I'd talked you into it. Maybe then he'll forgive you?" Emma suggested.
"Forgive her for what?" a sleepy voice said from the doorway. "And why are you here, Aunt Gabbie?"
I sat up abruptly, my eyes flying to the doorway. Holly was standing there, still wearing her nightie and rubbing sleep from her eyes. She would pick the absolute worst time to wake up and come find us.
"It's nothing," Emma said immediately. She smiled at Holly, but Holly wasn't having any of it.
She was a kid but she wasn't stupid. Hands on hips, she fixed Emma and I wish her gaze, looking much older than she actually was. She rolled her eyes for a moment, then raised an eyebrow. "It's obviously not nothing. I'm not stupid. Aunt Gabbie's been crying!"
I tried to wipe away the evidence of tears. It was futile though, since I knew my eyes would be puffy for a while. Still, I hated looking like a mess in front of Holly. I was supposed to be the adult, the rock. She shouldn't have to see me turning into a complete wreck.
Emma let out a sigh, then looked over at me. We both exchanged a glance, saying the same thing. Holly wasn't going to give up until we filled her in on what was going on. "Aunt Gabbie kissed Uncle Nick, and he didn't like it." That was probably the best explanation we could give the kid. She may not have been a "little" kid, but she wasn't old enough for the full story.
Her brow scrunched up as she processed Emma's story. "But you're married!" Holly insisted. When we didn't contradict the story though, she threw up her hands in defeat. "Boys are stupid!" she shouted as she turned and left the room.
"Well, she's not wrong," I muttered under my breath, causing Emma to burst out laughing. The laughter was infectious, and I laughed too, which just made Emma laugh even harder. The two of us laid on the bed laughing, tears streaming down our eyes.
By the time we got ourselves under control again, I felt much better. It was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still had no idea what to do about the situation with Nick, but at least I wasn't lying there crying my eyes out any more. It wasn't a cure-all, but when Emma suggested we go downstairs and get some food, I at least had the strength to do just that.
First, I stopped by the bathroom to wash my face though, hoping to erase the evidence of my meltdown. With Holly around, I needed to put on a brave face. Nick was her uncle, and I didn't want her to have to worry about the drama between the two of us. She had enough on her plate as it was, being ten. I would not add any more to it.
By the time I made it downstairs, Emma had bacon frying and was making a big batch of pancakes. Holly sat on one of the high stools at the breakfast bar, her cellphone in hand as she did God only knew what. She grinned at me as she showed me the batter. "I hope you don't mind chocolate chips in your pancakes! This one insists on it on Saturdays."
I raised an eyebrow, then put my ha
nds on my hips, fixing Emma with my gaze. Holly had learned the tactic somewhere, and I wasn't afraid to remind Emma who had created that look all those years ago. "Holly insists on it, huh? I seem to remember a certain girl who would go bonkers if she didn't get chocolate chip pancakes, with whipped cream on top no less, every weekend."
Emma grinned at me. Then, she shrugged. "What can I say? Kids are like sponges. They absorb everything. Especially sugar loaded pancakes."
"Well, that just means she has good taste," I winked at Holly, then slid onto the stool next to her. I nudged her with my shoulder and nodded toward her phone. "Got a boyfriend you're talking to there?" I teased.
Holly stuck her tongue out and fake gagged. "Yuck! I told you, boys are stupid!" The look she gave me told me she wasn't kidding either. "No, I'm talking with my friend Kelly. She's stuck at her grandparents' house and is going crazy. Her grandparents are like Grandma. They're old and boring." She put an emphasis on boring, and I had to laugh.
"I'm sure your grandma will be happy to know you don't think she's boring!"
"And that she's old," Emma added under her breath, and I had to fight back a snicker.
Holly gave us a shocked look, hand over her chest. God, that girl was a sponge. It was like looking into the past and seeing Emma as a little girl again. And if my mother was around, I'm sure she'd have said it was like looking at me at that age too. "Grandma is definitely not old! And she's fun! Just last weekend she taught me how to make snares to keep rabbit and squirrels from wandering around and spooking the horses."
Emma and I grinned at each other, both shaking our heads at Holly's steadfast defense of her grandmother. Mrs. Frost was an amazing woman, and I was glad Holly had a grandmother like her.
I found my hands resting on my stomach as I wondered what it would've been like to have kids with Nick. I was sure Mrs. Frost would've been just as good of a grandmother to our kids too, and I was sad that wouldn't happen. Ever since I was Holly's age, I'd wanted to be a mother. My mother had died when I was little, and I hadn't gotten to spend much time with her. Mrs. Frost had taken that place in my life, and I'd been the daughter she'd never had.
My heart ached as I heard Nick's requests for a divorce again in my head. If we did get divorced, what would happen then? I'd been part of this family since long before we got married, but how could I stay a part of it if we divorced under these circumstances?
Nick was a good man. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about that. He wouldn't drag me through the mud in front of his family. Even if I had forced myself upon him, I knew he would never tell a soul about that. He would make our divorce out to be amicable. He would put on a brave face in front of his family, wouldn't even dream on trying to push me out of it.
But how could I face them all, knowing the truth? How could I look Mrs. Frost in the eye, knowing how badly I'd hurt her son? She loved me very much. She'd told me many times growing up. The entire family had treated me as if I was one of their own ever since I was just a little girl. But she also loved her son. She would side with him over me, no matter how close the two of us were. Blood was the stronger bond, right?
"You okay, Aunt Gabbie?" Holly asked, jarring me out of my thoughts. She was looking up at me, concern etched onto her young face.
I forced out a smile and nodded. "I'm good. Just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night."
"Me either!" Holly giggled, her eyes darting over to Emma, then she lowered her voice. "It was after three when I went to bed!"
My eyes went wide in false shock as I brought my hand to my heart. I grinned at her and winked. "Aren't you just the little rebel? I bet your Daddy wouldn't be happy to hear that!"
"You won't tell him, will you?" Holly asked, her eyes widening to match mine.
I laughed and pulled Holly into a half hug, squeezing her tight. Helping take care of Emma when she was a little girl, then being an aunt to Holly, had helped quell the desires to have kids of my own, and I was glad I'd had both girls in my life. I wasn't sure what I'd have done without either of them. "I wouldn't dream of it! In fact, if you're good today, maybe I'll tell you some stories about your dad when he was your age."
"Really?" Holly grinned and bounced in her seat. She brought her hands together and stuck out her bottom lip, giving me the best pouty face I'd seen in a long time. "Oh, please, please, please!" she begged.
I laughed and hugged her again, then went into the story of all four of the brothers, and me, sneaking out one night and stealing the horses to go for a late-night stroll together. It was one of my fondest memories of the guys, one of the times that I felt like I was their little sister, not just some tagalong they tolerated.
"Wasn't it cold?" Holly asked when I got to the part about the five of us finding a stream in the woods and going for a late-night swim. I left out the part about all of us skinny dipping. They'd all just considered me their little sister and hadn't thought anything of swimming in the nude, not realizing how much of a crush I'd had on all four of them.
"Freezing!" I confirmed with a grin. "But it was so worth it. There's something special about being out there swimming with just the moon and the stars to illuminate the area."
Just thinking about that night made me smile. I wished I could go back to that time, when things were so much simpler. Back then, everything had been so easy.
Did Nick still remember that night? Or had he forgotten it? It had been quite a while since then, and I wouldn't have been surprised if none of the brothers remembered it like I did. They frequently snuck out together, getting into all sorts of mischief. But that was one of the few times they'd brought me along with them. They'd all always been so protective of me, never wanting me to get hurt or get in trouble. I couldn't count the number of times they'd broken bones growing up or gotten themselves into hot water, but they'd always done their best to keep me away from it as possible.
Sometimes, it was hard to believe those little hellions had grown into the men they were today. They'd all left their rebellious youth in the past and had turned into fine, upstanding me.
If only I'd been able to leave that part of me in the past too. Then, maybe I'd have been content with just being Nick's wife on paper instead of constantly wanting to push him into a real relationship, one he didn't want.
I didn't have much time to wallow though before Holly was dragging me right back into the conversation. Her and Emma did a good job of keeping me distracted, not letting me get lost in my thoughts for more than a few moments at a time. I was a lucky woman, to have them in my life. I still hadn't processed everything, but I was glad for that. Until I was in a better frame of mind, it was best if I put off thinking about things for a while. Otherwise I was liable to spiral into a depression I couldn't get out of.
"We should go riding," Holly announced after breakfast, sliding off her stool and stretching. Despite her limited hours of sleep, she was wide awake and filled with energy. I envied her, wishing I could go back to those days when I only needed a couple hours of sleep to function. These days, it seemed like even a full night's sleep wasn't enough to keep me going during the day.
Emma looked over and me, and I shrugged. It'd been a while since I'd been out riding, but I was confident I could still do it without breaking my neck. "Sure, why not," Emma said with a grin. "I think that would be fun!"
Holly's eyes lit up, and she started bouncing again. I was wondering if giving her chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top might have been too much sugar. The poor girl looked like she was about to vibrate right through the floor. "Can you show me where the stream you guys went to is? Mom and Dad never let me go exploring out there."
This time, I looked at Emma and she shrugged. "Sure, why not? It might be a bit too cold to swim though." It wasn't freezing out there. It was Texas, and winter only got so cold, but I wasn't sure it was warm enough to go jump in a stream.
"I don't care!" Holly insisted, and I laughed at her youthful enthusiasm.
"Then go
upstairs and get dressed for riding. You can wear a swimsuit under your clothes if you really want to try swimming." I glanced at my smart watch. It was in mid-seventies already this morning, so it wouldn't be the end of the world if she went swimming. Though I was certain she wouldn't last long since the water had to be at least fifteen degrees lower.
Holly had barely gotten up the stairs before the sound of the front door opening reached us. Emma and I looked at each other, each reflecting the others worry. She'd said Jack was out of town for work, so unless he'd changed his plans without telling her, it shouldn't have been him coming home.
Hands balled into fists, I lead the way down the hall toward the front door, Emma right on my heels. But it wasn't Jack standing in the entryway, nor was it some burglar or other nefarious person. Well, it was a nefarious person, but not the kind we had to worry about. "What're you doing here?" I asked Aspen, hands on hips and eyebrow cocked. The brothers had never been much for knocking on each other's doors. They were best friends in addition to brothers, and were always welcomed in each other's homes.
"Looking for you," he said honestly. He crossed his arms in front of his chest as he looked me up and down, giving me a sad smile. "I figured this was where you'd be hiding out. Nick called me."
If the floor below suddenly opened up and swallowed me whole, it would've still been too slow of a death. I should've known I wouldn't have been able to run from everything for long. And I should've known Nick would immediately call his brothers and fill them in on at least some details. I'd just hoped I wouldn't have to face them for a while longer.
8
Nick
The bright light filling the sitting room told me it was well after dawn as I rubbed sleep from my eyes. I hadn't planned on staying so late and had wanted to get up before the sun rose so I could head back to the house and surprise Gabbie with breakfast.
The Bride's Christmas Pregnancy Wish Page 5
