The Grace Awakening
Page 24
This doesn't mean that if you really fall in love with the Lord you can start looking like an unmade bed. I like to warn ladies
A Marriage Oiled by Grace
about abusing this verse by taking it to an extreme. There's no need to look dowdy and plain because your interest is only on the inner person. That is not the idea. There needs to be a balance. There can be, in fact, there needs to be external expressions of feminine beauty, but don't stop there. Guard against letting your external appearance take so much of your time and attention you leave out the charm and loveliness of a beautiful interior. What holds a husband in the long haul is internal character. Externals finally fade. As age creeps in, much of the beauty you may have had as a young woman slips away.
This reminds me of a story I heard recently. During a last-minute Christmas rush, a woman hurried up to a perfume saleswoman in a large department store and asked her, "Do you still have Elizabeth Taylor's Passion?" The hassled lady behind the counter responded with quick wit: "If I did, do you think I'd be working here?"
Long after external beauty fades, you will still have what really matters.
This brings me to the wife's role: to model true femininity . . . character traits that are precious to God and impressive to her husband. God will honor that. Furthermore, it will get results—lasting, satisfying, fulfilling results.
Verse 7 begins, "You husbands likewise. . . ." Just as the wife has a role of submission to the Savior and to her husband, so the husband is to be in submission to Christ. Not nearly enough is said about this. We hammer on wives to submit to their husbands, yet we say all too little to husbands about bending their wills and yielding in full submission to their Lord. I've seldom seen an exception—when a husband lives his life in submission to Christ, he finds his wife cooperative and gracious in return.
You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered, (v. 7)
A Marriage Oiled by Grace
The phrase "live with" means to "be at home with." Not just come in the house after work, choke down supper, stare at a television, say nothing to his wife, and finally drop off to sleep (sound familiar?). To "live with" is to get to know, to be at home with, to make your mutual relationship a priority. In fact, Peter goes further. In this same verse he says, literally, "Live with your wife according to knowledge. " Really get to know her. Find out what she is really like. What are her innermost thoughts? Discover her deepest hurts, find out her fears. Learn when and where she needs affirmation and encouragement, then give it. You may be surprised to find her dying "slowly, sadly, angrily" without your encouragement and affirmation. She's a weaker vessel, physically. But that does not mean she is weaker emotionally; nor does it mean she is weaker in character. She's a woman, meaning she's not put together like a man. She has different needs, different feelings, entertains different wishes and dreams, sees life from a different perspective. Respect those differences; she will adore you for it. In other words, be a masculine model of grace in your home.
All this leads me to the husband's role: to model genuine masculinity . . . unselfish and sensitive leadership that strengthens the home and gives dignity to the wife. Remember how verse 7 concludes: "and grant her honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life. . . ." If the husband provides genuine masculinity, unselfish and sensitive leadership, it is his way of granting honor to his wife. She will feel supported, affirmed, and treasured.
One of the by-products of a grace-filled marriage is that the kids will have little problem bonding. They will bond correctly. They will grow right. They will feel secure and confident. As they step into the real world as young adults, they will hit the road running. Your son will understand what it is like to be a man, and your daughter will have discovered what it means to be a woman. They will be well on their way to a
A Marriage Oiled by Grace
healthy and happy maturity. And in this day, that is no small accomplishment.
We are also reminded in verse 7 that we are fellow-heirs together of the grace of life. We are mutual heirs of grace. Grace brings the husband and wife together . . . not one reigning over the other, not two separate people doing their own thing regardless of the other. But partners enveloped by grace, operating in grace, thinking with grace, releasing because of grace. Think of it as four enduring benefits:
• Mutual equality (fellow)
• Mutual dignity (heir)
• Mutual humility (grace)
• Mutual destiny (life)
And I can assure you, the magnet in a home like that is so strong you won't want to be anywhere else.
I've said for years that my favorite place on earth is just inside the door of my home. I absolutely love being home. It is there that I find maximum security and acceptance, fulfillment and accountability, responsibility and harmony, honesty and love. Why? Because we are committed to the same common denominator: Grace.
A FITTING CONCLUSION
How do you bring a chapter like this to a close? I find it especially difficult since we have covered so much territory, all of it important. We have faced several marital realities. We have looked at the primary responsibilities of a husband and a wife. And we have also considered the distinct roles of both. All the way through we have returned to the essential importance of grace in order for these things to happen.
A Marriage Oiled by Grace
It is my firm conviction that there would not be nearly as many fractured relationships or dysfunctional families destroyed by affairs, abuse, disunity, or divorce if we simply met the needs within each others' lives. These needs are neither mysterious nor complicated, but when they remain unmet, they erode into grace killers, which lead to every form of un-happiness. What are those needs?
Allow me to let another answer that question for me. Dr. Willard Harley has written a fascinating book entitled His Needs/Her Needs. It is an in-depth study of extramarital affairs and how to avoid them. Dr. Harley invested more than twenty years of his career counseling married couples, many of whom were engaged in affairs. During those years he gathered over fifteen thousand questionnaires that deal with the sexual history and behavior of his clients. There are exceptions, of course, but generally speaking he has concluded that both women and men have five major needs. By identifying them, I find that it is easier to concentrate direct attention on them, applying the "oil" of grace where needed.
Five Major Needs Five Major Needs
of Women of Men
1. Affection 1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Conversation 2. Recreational companionship
3. Honesty and openness 3. An attractive spouse
4. Financial support 4. Domestic support
5. Family commitment 5. Admiration
Dr. Harley states that the key need for the woman is affection—feeling that she is truly prized, loved, and cherished. The key need for the man is sexual expression followed closely by respect. 4
The words of actress Celeste Holm speak again, with relevance, to all married couples: "We live by encouragement and
A Marriage Oiled by Grace
we die without it; slowly, sadly, angrily." 5 My hope is that these few pages will make a difference first in your life and then in your home. As you apply the oil of grace to those major needs in your mate's life, may you be strengthened with the realization that you could not be engaged in any investment on earth that yields greater dividends. After all, what is more important than rescuing someone who is dying?
13
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
*
I
have a personal theory about Christmas. It explains, at least to my satisfaction, the mysterious magic of its magnetism. For years I have wondered what it was that annually draws people into the Yuletide season. Even though we get turned off in mid-October when we see all those fake trees being set up at department stores
and in spite of the dreaded commercialism and crowds and "Jingle Bells" played three thousand times in the mall . . . somehow we cannot resist the spirit of the season once we find ourselves enveloped in the sights and smells unique to Christmas. Why?
As beautiful as the colorful lights and decorations may be, they are not the reason. As magnificent as the music and nostalgic memories may be, they aren't either. Neither is it the cakes and candy or the trip to Grandma's house or the parties with friends. My theory, I think, explains it best: Christmas scratches the itch of grace deep within us. It provides us an opportunity each year to deliberately get out of ourselves and do something tangible for someone else with no thought of or interest in being "paid back." It gives us a chance to counteract that selfish streak we all hate in ourselves. In simplest terms, Christmas (like no other annual celebration) prompts us to demonstrate true grace.
Would you like to put my personal theory to the test? Here's how. The next time December 25 rolls around and it is
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
open-the-gifts time around the tree, force yourself to watch the giver rather than the one opening the gift. Some of the best photographs we have of the Swindoll family gathered around the tree are those taken of the giver of a certain gift at the time another family member is opening it. There is more than excitement; there is sheer delight written all over the face of the giver as he or she is totally absorbed in the charming joy of giving. I've finally figured it out—at that moment we are caught up in the full-on ecstasy of grace. When you stop to think about it, it isn't receiving gifts around the tree that makes Christmas so much fun; it's giving them. It's watching the other person's look of surprise or sensing that special surge of gratitude, which suddenly and without a word makes us feel close.
Last Christmas my wife surprised all of us in the family by giving us matching bathrobes, each one with his or her name monogrammed on the front. She had the most fun of anyone! She brought the gifts in and set each one on the right lap. She told us not to open them until everyone was ready . . . then, "Go!" I deliberately watched Cynthia as one after another opened the package and shouted. She was dancing and laughing and clapping and jumping up and down—yes she was! Then she had all of us put them on at the same time and "model" them, with hoods on and hands in pockets. By the time we finished, we looked like a roomful of monks from the Order of St. Michael's, embracing each other and having the time of our lives. But nobody experienced more joy than the one who thought up the idea, pulled it off, then enjoyed the sheer pleasure of watching others take delight in her gift to each member of the family. Our Lord knew what He was talking about when He taught that it is more blessed to give than to receive.
I freely admit that I have racked my brain to find a way to reconstruct that same once-a-year delight throughout the year in this chapter on the joy of grace giving. If I could do that, we would all have our defenses down and we would be on the edge of our seats anticipating what the Bible teaches about giving as
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
God intended us to give. Unfortunately, many people, both within the church and without, honestly feel money is "filthy lucre," so we are better off not even mentioning it. I have actually heard laymen bragging that their minister had never once talked about money during the twelve-or-whatever years he had been their pastor. While I have serious concerns about such silence, I understand how that could happen. I, too, tend to shy away from the subject.
WHAT MAKES US SO DREADFULLY DEFENSIVE?
Having been engaged in ministry for about three decades, I can remember times when I could almost hear the groans and feel the sighs as I announced that I'd be speaking on giving that particular Sunday. Why do we feel that way? I think it is a lot like the groans and sighs we release in mid-October when the stores drag out the plastic trees and put Santa Claus in the window. Three specific analogies come to mind.
First, it seems terribly repetitive. The subject of giving is seldom approached creatively, and then when it is addressed, the comments are usually overstated and punctuated with guilt-giving remarks. Most often the congregation is not instructed as much as it is exhorted and exploited. Furthermore, there is neither subtlety nor much humor employed . . . only large helpings of hard-core facts mixed with a pinch of panic "because giving has dropped off." It doesn't take a Ph.D. from Yale to sense the objective during the first five minutes: GIVE MORE! Same song, ninth verse. The repetitive cycle gets monotonous.
Second, the whole thing has been commercialized. Because grace has been separated from giving, greed has come in like the proverbial flood. Mr. and Mrs. Average Christian are punchy, suspicious, and resentful . . . sometimes for good reason. During the latter half of the twentieth century, all of us
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
have been embarrassed, haven't we? We have seen shameful examples of greed employed in the name of religion. Unbelievable techniques have been used to wrench money from the public's pocket and we're fed up with the gimmicks. Everybody wants more, not just religious folks. Enough is never enough.
I recently heard about a guy who gave his girlfriend his lottery ticket . . . and to their surprise, it won three million dollars! But the government taxed him for the cash. And then, if that wasn't bad enough, when his ex-wife heard that he was now worth a lot of money, she upped the ante on the alimony payments.
Third, there always seems to be a hidden agenda. Just as merchants don't go to a lot of extra expense and trouble getting their stores ready for Christmas simply for the fun of it, neither do most ministers speak on financial stewardship because it is a fun subject. The bottom line is usually uppermost. The emphasis is seldom on the charming joy of grace-oriented giving but rather on the obligation and responsibility to give "whether you like it or not."
This is an appropriate time for me to mention a couple of things, just to set the record straight. How and why we give is of far greater significance to God than what we give. Attitude and motive are always more important than amount. Furthermore, once a person cultivates a taste for grace in giving, the amount becomes virtually immaterial. When those age-old grace killers, Guilt and Manipulation, are not used as leverage, the heart responds in generosity. Giving at that point becomes wonderfully addictive.
Late one year I challenged someone who means a lot to me to be more generous than she had ever been in her life throughout the new year. Because she is not wealthy and because she is unmarried and therefore has only a single source of income, this lady lived under the fear of running out of money if she followed the lead of her heart. Being a true model of grace and having a heart of compassion, she had often been prompted
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
within to be more generous, but her fear restrained her. All she needed was a little encouragement to replace her fear with faith . . . which she did throughout the new year. She told me at the end of that year that she had never given more in one year in all her life nor had she ever been so full of joy. In addition, she said the Lord had abundantly met every one of her financial needs, which motivated her to do a repeat performance in the year to come. That lady who has discovered this new dimension of grace is my sister Luci. I am exceedingly proud of her for taking a giant step of faith as she has trusted God to honor her generosity. Today she is addicted to giving.
WHAT MAKES GIVING SO WONDERFULLY ADDICTIVE?
It is not my intention to make a saint out of Luci. Neither do I wish to leave the impression that only a few who have some kind of "gift of giving" can know the joy of generosity. That is simply not the case. It is true, God does lead some to be unique examples of extreme generosity, but my thoughts in this chapter are not limited to them. My hope is to help you and others like you to see how grace can liberate you to become a model of unusual and consistent generosity, all the while filling you with inexpressible joy. No, this is not some ideal reserved for a chosen few . . . this is reality for all of God's people to claim.
Now is the right moment to step into the time tunnel and return to the first century. The original church in Jerusalem had fallen on hard times. Unable to pull itself out of a financial slump, thanks to the depressed economy in Judea and other Palestinian regions, those early believers were facing a bleak and barren future.
As is often the case in our own times, while one part of the world was suffering great need, another was flourishing. The Greeks in Corinth were doing quite well, which prompted Paul to urge them to give financial assistance to their fellow
The Charming Joy of Grace Giving
Christians in Jerusalem. His words to the Corinthian believers regarding this need are recorded in 2 Corinthians 8 and 9, two of the finest chapters in all the Bible on grace giving.
At the beginning of his charge he mentions the generosity of the struggling churches in Macedonia who gave during days of affliction. In spite of their own poverty, and with great joy, they took delight in giving to those in need. On the basis of their example, Paul urges the Corinthians to follow the example they set. Those words of background information will help you understand the apostle's opening remarks.
Now, brethren, we wish to make known to you the grace of God which has been given in the churches of Macedonia, that in a great ordeal of affliction their abundance of joy and their deep poverty overflowed in the wealth of their liberality. For I testify that according to their ability, and beyond their ability they gave of their own accord, begging us with much entreaty for the favor of participation in the support of the saints, and this, not as we had expected, but they first gave themselves to the Lord and to us by the will of God. (2 Cor. 8:1-5)
Paul admits that he was surprised. He states that what the Macedonians gave was "not as we had expected." Of greater importance, their gifts did not originate in their purses and wallets. No, "they first gave themselves to the Lord" (emphasis mine) and then they gave their money. Grace giving begins in the heart. Grace-oriented generosity is the overflow of a liberated heart. This assures us that it has nothing to do with one's investment portfolio or monthly salary. Whether Macedonian or Corinthian, American or Canadian, Asian or Australian, the challenge is the same; first and foremost, we are to give ourselves to the Lord. When we do, our treasure will follow the leading of our heart.