Hammer Time

by M J Marstens

  Too late, I realize that the Valkyries are swooping in, brandishing various weapons that—while they may not kill any of us but Dev—will hurt like a motherfucker. I quickly form two lumps of Number Two in my hands and warily watch one blond bitch descend upon me with a freaking ax.

  Yeah, my ass already has a crack—it doesn’t need two—and, certainly, no other body part of mine is looking to be cleaved in half.

  She zooms at me like an angry bird and swings the blade at my throat. I duck and rise up in time to smash one shit-imbued palm into her face. She screeches inhumanly when the stench fills her nostrils—which was Járnsaxa of her because, now, it’s in her mouth—and flaps frantically around midair, spitting more than Daffy Duck.

  Everyone else seems to freeze and watch her struggle and I seriously begin to doubt the powers of the Valkyries on a battlefield. They’re like cats on the hunt until someone flashes a light and teases them for hours as they try to catch it. Ax-Slut finally manages to scrape enough dookie off her face to point a trembling finger at me.

  “Get him!” she screams and, instantly, all the ladies turn their attention toward me—and not in the sexy good way. More in the ‘let’s see if we can kill a fellow god today’ way.

  Very disappointing.

  Bitchmom One and Two grab the remaining lightning bolts and throw them at me. Those fuckers fly through the sky as fast as fishing spears and I briefly turn into my dung beetle to avoid them.

  I successfully dodge three bolts. I change back into my human form in order to avoid a Valkyrie who attempts to smash me between her palms.

  Too late, I can see myself spinning into the fourth and final one. The world suddenly becomes exceedingly slow as I watch the electric point get closer and closer to my heart. Well fuck.

  There’s absolutely no time for me to dodge it.

  So I do the one last thing I want to do in this life, look at Val.

  To my left, I see her sucker punch one of her cunt sisters and I wish that she had a handful of shit when she did it.

  That would have been a thing of beauty.

  She turns in horror to see what’s about to happen to me and lunges. Val throws herself bodily into me, even as I shake my head, telling her it’s too late.

  She flaps her arms uselessly, like they might give her added speed and, to my surprise, they transform into white wings. The rest of her body follows suit. Her neck elongates and legs shorten and in a golden glow, she changes form. Where there once was a woman now flies a magnificent swan.

  Holy shit (yes, it’s holy).

  Just in time, Val dives in front of me and fucking swallows the lightning bolt.

  Instantly, she falls to the ground.

  I lean over her, fear for her worse than any fear I’ve ever felt for myself. I run my hand across one of her delicate white wings and whisper, “Val?”

  I’m afraid that her asshole sisters and stepmoms actually killed her. The goats must feel the same because they start thrashing and bucking, trying to kick the cart away and get to her.

  But, to my relief, Val the Swan suddenly squawks back to life in a flurry of flapping wings and angry honks, and every time she opens her mouth—orange lightning streaks forth.

  I feel a satisfied smile stretch my face as the electricity arcs from her beak into one of the crazy vapid women above us. The one with the ax who tried to cleave me in half like a bad magician. And unlike Raiden’s powers, Val’s lightning fucking burns the hair off that sky bitch. She falls, shrieking and crying as her blond locks are eaten away by orange lightning.

  All I can think is that it’s raining stupidity today.

  15

  Val

  One second I’m a perfectly normal powerless demi-goddess; the next, I’m a freaking swan who breathes lightning—like some kind of seriously messed up, but badass dragon.

  All my life, I’ve wished I had powers like everyone else in my family and, now that I’ve got them, I’m not quite sure what to make of them. I mean, a swan? Really?

  At first glance, my powers seem pretty ... well, useless; that is, until I bark out an orange lightning bolt at Sif and Járnsaxa and watch in fascination as they seize and quake in their chariot and, then, tunk over, their heads disappearing from view.

  I feel my swan brows raise in surprise—my stepmoms aren’t immune to my lightning powers. And my sisters … while immune, can still clearly get their hair burnt to a crisp.

  I feel my beak curve into a victorious grin—which sounds super creepy. I’m half-intrigued, half-disturbed by the thought of what I must look like, but turn my attention to my remaining half-sisters. It’s time for a little payback and I’ve heard it’s a bitch. I chuckle internally at my dumb inner monologue as I chase the witless whores who’ve spent years making me miserable.

  I shoot up through the sky, and though I’ve never flown before, I somehow know exactly what to do. The air currents shove me up exactly where I need to be, so that I’m level with those black winged hoes.

  Raiden shoots an extra blast of air toward me and I rush forward. He’s literally the wind beneath my wings.

  My stepsisters scatter like flies.

  Every few seconds, I honk and shoot my electric power through their bodies and watch everything from their eyelashes to eyebrows to beautiful blond curls turn to ash and scatter behind them, leaving bald heads. The smell is horrific, but luckily, my swan beak is less sensitive than my human nose.

  I’m delighted to discover that many of these Valkyries cannot rock the bald look as their skulls are not fully symmetrical. And I just love that they’re gonna have to go home looking like this. My goose mouth lets out a long, wavering laugh honk.

  It doesn’t take long before every last one is bald and flying for cover. I wing-pump the air in victory—until I hear Tupac shouting for help.

  No!

  Swiftly, I turn to fly over to him, but my long neck overshoots, and I end up spinning a circle. Whoever said swans are innately graceful never counted on me becoming one, that’s for sure.

  When I finally manage to regain my equilibrium, I zoom through the air toward Dev and Tupac, who are surrounded by jackals.

  Tan dogs with pointed noses, grey fur striping their spine, and huge pointed ears, they bare their teeth and prowl closer. Shit! I don’t know much about Egyptian deities but I do remember something about jackals and the land of the dead.

  I push my wings faster.

  Raiden is attempting to waterboard one of my sisters (mostly succeeding in spraying her at random moments) while it looks like Khepri is mud wrestling another. Only, that isn’t mud. Either way, I’m going to be the first to get to Tupac and Devin who are being backed into a corner of the roof, one without a ledge.

  Khepri notices the jackals when his opponent slips and falls, getting shit-faced. “Dammit all to Duat,” he swears at the sight of the dogs and mutters something about Ra sending reinforcements.

  I shoot him a birdy sideways glance. Ra’s just sending reinforcements now? This seriously has to be the world’s most uncoordinated attack ever.

  But I backtrack on that thought as my eyes narrow and I try to pinpoint which jackal is the alpha dog. It’s much more likely that my stepmoms and sisters fucked up and started their attack too soon ... which would explain why they waited so long to do anything.

  Any other time, this would be hilarious.

  But, I’m not laughing right now—partly because I’m a swan, but mostly because Ra’s dogs are threatening my men. I mean my Dev—Lover isn’t mine ...

  I ignore the errant thought as I, yet again, race to save my friends.

  But Tupac proves he’s more than just jokes and innuendos. With an easy flick of his wrist, a freaking ring of fire surrounds him and Dev. The one closest to them yips and jumps back. And though they pace the perimeter, the golden flames sufficiently keep the wild dogs at bay. I swear that over the roar of the fire, I can hear Tupac singing ...

  “Love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.
Bound by wild desire, I fell into a ring of fire.”

  Raiden is shaking his head, but Khepri is laughing at Tupac’s antics. Soon, Dev joins him and they taunt Ra’s dogs by belting out the chorus in uneven harmony. It would be really handy to be human again, is the last thing I think as a swan before I feel my body contort and turn me into just that.

  I blink in surprise to find myself standing on the rooftop, a woman once more, still clad in my prison wear—that was easy. I’ll have to test if it works that quickly in reverse but, for now, I open my mouth, glad that the words ‘and it burns, burns, burns’ come out and not a lightning bolt. It’s all fun and games until the jackals turn their heads towards Khepri, Raiden, and me.

  “Oh, shit,” I sputter.

  “An excellent idea!” Khepri crows and Raiden and I look at him like he’s nuts. But he just continues, “Raiden, use your lightning to force Anubis’ bitches back while I create a pit of poo!”

  I grimace at this idea, but Raiden quickly raises his arms and sends arcs of electricity shooting from the tips at the now howling group of female dogs. Behind the dogs but before the ring of fire that protects the other half of our group, Khepri is concentrating on a space on the ground. What was once asphalt roof top now seems to be a bubbling pool of mud—until I get a whiff of it. The crazy man actually created a pit of poo. I have no idea if it sinks into the apartment of the humans dwelling just below us or not. I hope not. I hope the supernatural magic at work is one of those invisible-to-human-eyes type of things. It seems like our battle was, because I didn’t hear a ton of car crashes when my sisters littered the sky with their trashy attitudes.

  Slowly, but methodically, Raiden drives the jackals back until they tumble into the gloppy puddle of crap.

  Their barks of disgust make me wince in semi-pity. Futilely, they struggle to get out, but only seem to submerge themselves deeper. It’s not until they are waist-high in shit that I realize they are sinking. Khepri didn’t just make a pit of poo—it’s quickshit, or quicksand made of fecal matter, if you will.

  I’m torn between horror, amusement, and a little awe. Who would have thought that poop would be so useful?

  When the jackals take their last breath and descend into their crappy graves, I turn to Khepri, who is smirking evilly. He clearly takes a lot of joy in his strange powers.

  “Khepri, you’ve got your shit together,” I compliment.

  He smiles and gives me a thumbs up. I give him one back, all while thinking, this man and my Uncle Loki should never meet. I shudder to think of what those two could come up with together. All kinds of stupid shit.

  Raiden sees my shiver of fear. “Are you cold?” he asks. He puts a muscular arm around my shoulders and I’m pulled close to his delicious abs. My fingers run over them, totally by accident, not because I’m in any way pretending to be off balance for the excuse to touch them, or his happy trail.

  My naughty thoughts are interrupted by Tupac clearing his throat and I attempt to make my face blank.

  He drops the ring of fire and both Dev and Lover walk over to stand with the rest of us. My eyes travel from Raiden’s black eyes, to Khepri’s kohl-lined blue, then to Tupac’s smug brown orbs, and finally to Dev’s panicked hazel brown gaze. I’m so relieved that everyone is safe, I can feel my legs collapsing underneath me. Strong hands catch me before I can fall maladroitly on my ass, and I turn to find Dad.

  Shocked is an understatement. I’m at a total loss. My relief morphs right back into panic. Did my stepmoms get home and lie to him? Did my sisters say I started this battle? Does he know I took the cart and broke into Ra’s prison?

  “What in Niflheim1 is going on here?” he demands.

  Tanny and Tangy bleat in the background as I trip over my words in my rush to explain everything to him.

  I’m sure whatever I spew out is a jumbled mess that makes no sense, but Dad pulls me in for a fierce hug when I finish and I can feel him pouring all his support and love into it. I revel in this hug—and my guilt.

  “Dad—I’m sorry ... about everything. For making you sick, for taking your goats and your hammer. But I swear that I’ve been taking great care of all three of them.”

  The mighty Thor gives me a sardonic smile and walks over to Tangy and Tanny to pet them. I join him and quietly hand him his prized weapon.

  "I missed you, my favorite one,” he croons.

  "Aw! Thanks, Dad!"

  "I was talking to Mjölnir. You're my youngest or Earthly off-spring."

  "That's whack, Pops."

  Thor puffs up his chest.

  "Real parents don't have favorites. As it were, I'm leaving everything to the hammer and goats."

  I roll my eyes—of course, the sentient tool and the Devil's caprine offspring will inherit it all when Dad crosses over.

  Dad chuckles at my peeved look and gives me one of his own.

  “Next time, daughter—ask for my help,” he commands.

  I feel my eyebrows raise.

  “Dad. . . I illegally set out to free my best friend from jail. I don’t think that’s something you would have helped me with.”

  “Maybe not directly, but the clouds have ears, my dear, and they whisper the truths to me. I know what’s going on more than you think I do, and you need to know that I’m here for you. I will find your stepmoms and sisters, take them back to Asgard with me and deal with them.”

  His mouth sets in a grim line at this announcement before softening again.

  “Keep the girls and Mjölnir for now. Only someone very powerful could wield him.”

  “Him?! Ha, I knew that hammer had a dic—I mean, I knew he was a boy,” I hastily correct, making all the guys behind me groan.

  So far, they have been silent, letting my father and I have our moment, but Dev surprises me by stepping up and addressing Dad. I’m not sure if it’s temerity or if he doesn’t understand exactly who he’s addressing.

  My stomach falls.

  This entire exchange with Dad has gone a million times better than I ever dreamed it would, but I have a feeling that it’s about to take a nosedive.

  “Sir. Ah, hi. I’m Dev, Val’s boyfriend—I mean friend … I mean friend who’s a boy...” he trails off awkwardly, staring at me in panic as his ears turn fire-engine red.

  I gulp. Is he seriously looking for me to define our brand-new relationship in front of my father? Right now?

  Lover sniggers under his breath.

  Raiden chimes in, “We’re concubines.” He tosses an arm over Khepri’s shoulder. “Right old buddy? We’re all Val’s—”

  I step in front of all the guys to block Dad’s view. “Sorry. I had to hit him on the head with Mjoli and now he’s a little …” I do the crazy circle on the side of my head.

  Dev tries to break up this parade of awkward moments he started.

  “What I meant to say, sir, is that I’m sorry I took your sacred goats and thanks for understanding Val. She’s … pretty amazing.”

  Even though Dad still is giving poor Dev a stern look, there’s a marked twinkle in his eyes.

  “That she is—the first swan Valkyrie in over five thousand years!” Dad smoothly ignores Raiden, who’s arguing in whispers with Khepri. Some nonsense about going next.

  I blush. In my panic at seeing Dad, I’d forgotten that I had finally come into my powers.

  Dad bumps my shoulder. “Took you long enough, Sigrdrifa,” he teases and I roll my eyes.

  “Like I had any say in it,” I counter.

  “Actually,” my Dad says gently, “you did. I’ve always sensed your powers lurking under the surface—they just needed the right nudge to be unleashed. I thought that at some point, the bullying and cattiness from your sisters—and yes, even my wives—would force them to the forefront. After a time, I realized you weren’t like them, however. You fought back—but always with your words and your humanity.” He runs a hand through his dark red hair and sighs. “Being a parent is quite difficult sometimes. I knew I could force your gifts to a
ppear, but the very thing that everyone else despised you for, you loved. Your humanity. How could I take that from you and force you to be like us? So, I let you just be you. I love you no matter what, but please know that I maybe hold you in a slightly higher regard than the rest of your siblings.”

  “But not more than Tangy and Tanny?” I joke.

  “Daughter, they’re magical goats—stop trying to compete with them because you will never win.”

  I laugh and stick my tongue out at him.

  “Now, I have quite the mess to clean up but, first, a little parting gift. Everyone, get into the cart.”

  No one waits to do as Thor commands. Every single one of the guys scrambles to be first into the back of the cart. I giggle a little at how quick they are to accommodate him.

  I ride up front next to dad as he takes the reins. “So, concubines …” he whispers.

  “Nope. Nuh-uh. ‘It’s time for Animaniacs …’” I start to sing to stave off a conversation that I never ever want to have.

  We fly a short distance away before landing in a small clearing in a forest about half an hour from the city. It’s actually quite close to the farm where I grew up with mom. Dad gets out and takes a deep breath.

  He traces a hand over a meadow flower and stares at the trees.

  “I love Asgard—but I also love the human world. I met your mom here. She was picking wild flowers,” he comments to me and I store the information away like a golden treasure.

  The bright yellow wildflowers take on a whole new layer of beauty for me. Suddenly, Dad starts laughing uproariously.

  “Um, what’s so funny?” I wonder.

  “I was just remembering the time that I met your grandpa. . . I might have let some thunder accidentally rip, if you know what I mean,” he chuckles unabashedly. “Your mom went on to introduce me as the God of Flatulence. She was such a little smartass—exactly where you got it from—but it’s what I loved about her most. Her warmth, humor, and normalcy. Your mom gave me something no other being ever has.”