Hammer Time

by M J Marstens

  I raise a hand to the sky and clouds gather at my command. My powers are still intact, but suddenly it hits me. Somehow, I know without a doubt that I’m just as vulnerable as a human.

  It’s an unsettling feeling.

  Tupac takes the death dagger from me and wipes my blood on my kimono. I scowl at the irritating man who thinks about sex way too much—I’m never going to get the red stain out of silk. Tupac smirks, clearly enjoying my ill-concealed ire, and flexes his left arm.

  “See these guns? This is why our little swan likes me,” he jokes and both Thor and I roll our eyes.

  “Would you just prick yourself already?” I snap.

  “I’ve tried,” the Aztec demi sighs. “Even my impressive length can’t reach my ass—”

  I take the dagger from him and dig the tip into his bicep to shut him the fuck up. Tupac hisses is pain and I grin with satisfaction. I don’t bother cleaning off Tupac’s blood, but hand the dagger back to Thor, who uses some mystifying power to vanish it into thin air.

  Just in time, too, because Val comes bounding from the house.

  “Dad! What are you doing here?” she asks.

  “I’ve come to talk and see if you’re done recovering.” He gives us a wink.

  I try to wink back, but I’ve never done it before. Winking was for those with secrets. Secrets were dishonorable, according to my parents. Thus, my attempt at winking becomes more of an awkward set of rapid blinks.

  “By recovering, does he mean fu—” Tupac starts and Val rushes to clap a hand over his mouth.

  “We’re done recovering,” she confirms. The way her face flushes in embarrassment has me snickering.

  Dev and Khepri come out to shake Thor’s hand and we give him the details of our final battle with Ra.

  “I’m so proud of you, my daughter,” he commends Val.

  “Thank you, but it wasn’t just me—it was all of us working together as a team.”

  “I know. They have proven themselves worthy of your love many times over. I hope you will remember this,” Thor comments, making Val raise a brow.

  “Why would I need to remember that?”

  “See what I mean? Too smart for her own good,” Thor stage-whispers to Tupac and me, and I feel my stomach drop a bit.

  “What’s going on?” Val demands and I groan.

  “Way to throw us under the bus,” I mutter to the red-haired menace.

  “I’ve had to clean up a lot of your shit—metaphorically and literally speaking. Forgive me if I’m not sorry for your plight,” he taunts right back.

  I glare at Khepri, who just grins. Any literal shit is all his fault.

  “Well?” Val orders impatiently.

  “Raiden asked your dad to get a death dagger to stab ourselves with to strip our immortality so that we could be like you, Khep, and Dev,” Tupac says, ratting us both out, but placing the blame on my shoulders.

  Val’s mouth forms a perfect O of shock and I think about the ways I’m going to kill the solar demi ... I’ll start by cutting off his dick, I can promise you that.

  But Val surprises us both. She bursts into tears and throws herself into my arms.

  “You made yourself mortal to live out the rest of your life with me—and the others?! You sweet, thoughtful, irresistible—”

  Val stops mid-sentence to kiss me—right in front of her dad.

  “What?!” Tupac shrieks. “Why is he getting all the tongue action?!”

  Val takes her time before pulling away from me.

  “I wasn’t using my tongue and you’re just jealous,” she corrects Tupac. “But, come here.”

  Val yanks the sun demi to her, but Khepri stops her.

  “Do you really want one of your … ah, boyfriends to get a boner in front of your father?”

  “Good point,” she whispers, stepping away from Tupac, who looks ready to cry at having missed the chance at Val’s lips on his. “Later,” she promises him.

  Thor looks on in amusement.

  “Young love—it’s so refreshing,” he jokes, making Val giggle and roll her eyes.

  “Speaking of love … how’s, um, everything back in Asgard?”

  Thor raises a sardonic brow. “A pain in the ass, as usual, but you won’t have to worry about your stepmothers or siblings ever again.”

  The implacable way he states his words make a shiver run down my spine. The powerful lightning god finally checked his family and I’m grateful on Val’s behalf.

  “I’ve also spoken with Aphrodite—she shouldn’t be a problem, either, not with that website Dev created that would make her known as the goddess of STDs. As for the other gods, I’ve rallied the most powerful together to ensure that nothing like this happens ever again. Some gods and goddesses don’t agree,” he states, pausing to look understandingly at me since my parents are among those ‘purist’ gods and goddesses, “but those in favor of creating freedom and equal rights for demis are the majority. We will always strive to ensure demigods are safe … something that should have been done long ago,” he finishes sadly.

  Val rests a hand on his arm. “Thank you—for everything.”

  I look away, my heart both swelling in happiness and shattering at the same time. I’m so overjoyed that Val has her father—something I will never have again, but I know I’ve made the right choice. I’ve come a long way. And for the first time in my life, I can genuinely say that I’m happy—I even laugh spontaneously, sometimes.

  Trust me—it shocks the others as much as me.

  Val and the guys have taught me how to live and, as cheesy as it sounds, to laugh and love.

  “Before I go, I brought back Asteio and the Demigodling for a visit,” Thor announces. “I left them in the woods with my goats and chariot.”

  Val cringes.

  “I don’t know if that was a good idea ...”

  “Yeah, Asteio might try to get frisky with them,” Dev jokes and Thor blanches.

  “He better fucking not—”

  “You know, just because I’m part goat, doesn’t mean I screw goats,” Asteio sniffs, coming out of the woods with the Demingodling’s arm flung across his shoulders.

  “Sorry, dude. I didn’t mean—” Dev apologizes, but the Demigodling just laughs.

  “He’s kidding; he’s totally into beastiality,” The Demigodling pokes a teasing finger at Asteio’s chest.

  “AH!” Val cries, her hands flying up to cover her ears. “Lalalalala—TMI!”

  We all laugh at her antics.

  “We’ve got all the websites updated,” the Demigodling tells Dev.

  “Awesome—that should help in really destabilizing some of the more powerful gods who are still against demis.”

  “More than Aphrodite’s site? Do I want to know?” Thor asks with an arched brow.

  “Ignorance is bliss,” Val teases and the mighty thunder god chuckles.

  “That’s your human side speaking—gods are far too nosy. But, this old man doesn’t want—or need—to know anything more. Enjoy your time … recovering. And, maybe, consider coming home for a family dinner or two from time to time—but leave the Visine behind,” he orders sternly.

  Val bites her lip to keep from giggling. “Yes, sir,” she tells him with a mock salute before she dives in for a hug.

  “Call if you need anything, daughter,” he orders gruffly—lovingly.

  “I will. Bye, Dad.”

  “Bye, Sigr—I mean, Val.”

  Thor leaves the same way he came, but Asteio and the Demigodling stay behind. Uncomfortably, I realize that I’ve spent a lifetime calling this man ‘Demigodling.’ Awkwardly, I ask him if he has a name.

  “Of course, I have a name. It means ‘most exalted’ in ancient Egyptian.”

  “Neat!” Val says. “What is it?”

  “Khak.”

  Nobody says anything for a moment, but Tupac’s face lights up in a lascivious grin.

  “Did someone say cock?” he asks and we all groan.

  One thing’s for su
re—life with him and the others will never be dull.

  Khepri looks over at me and winks conspiratorially, making me shake my head.

  “Well, best friend,” he jokes, “it’s good to know I’m not the most annoying one in the group.”

  I harrumph in mock exasperation. “Yes, you are,” I return. “Why do you think I gave up my immortality? Because I didn’t want to spend eternity putting up with your shit!”

  Val hears this and her laughter rings out around us joyously.

  “The shit jokes are never going to stop, are they?” Khepri laments.

  “Not until death do us part,” Dev teases, but Val sucks in a breath.

  “I do,” she whispers to him tenderly, making the rest of us look on in confusion.

  “What just happened?” Tupac whispers to me.

  “Dude, I think they just got married—which means your turn is coming,” Asteio answers. “The good news, I’ve got an unlimited supply of booze for the reception!”

  “Party, party, party!” Khak begins to chant ...

  And that’s how all the demigodlings came to have a wild, booze-filled, completely consensual, magical, shape-shifted, bestiality-style orgy at our house—but, that’s a story for another day.

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  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to our husbands.

  Thanks to our kiddos for reinvigorating our sense of potty humor.

  Thanks to Kimberly Snagg at KDS Cover Concepts for the awesome cover.

  Thanks to our amazing ARC readers and betas, specifically: Kelly, Mandi, Shanti, and Thais.

  About the Authors

  MJ is totally more hip and cool than Ann. As in hippie. She likes to tend to her herb garden and play sequence and nap, as though she’s eighty on the inside.

  Ann, however, knows what’s up. She’s the mom with no makeup and a tangled ponytail in the pick up line at school, back when there was school. Now ... she just chases kids around the house and wonders that she has any hair left. Most of it has been pulled out in frustration.

  Both women have extensive potty mouths in their books, but ironically, not so much in real life.

  But, if you loved our foul mouthed humor in this book, you might like ...

  Also by Ann Denton

  Magical Academy for Delinquents (Pinnacle Book 1)

  Knightfall (Tangled Crowns Book 1)

  Also by MJ Marstens

  Virgo Rising (The Afflicted Zodiac Book 1)

  Motherf*cker (An Irreverent RH Comedy)

  Notes

  Prelude

  1 History time! Ra (the insecure prick) feared Nut and Geb’s children would be a threat. As god of the skies and time, Ra decreed Nut couldn’t give birth on any day of the year to keep her pregnant and suffering heartburn for eternity.

  But Nut went to Thoth, god of wisdom, for help and he made a bet with Khonsu, god of the moon.

  Thoth whipped moon-boy’s ass and took light as payment. He used it to make five days not part of the year. From then on, the moon was never as bright as the sun, and Nut was finally able to give birth. She had five children: Osirus, Horus, Set, Isis, and Nephthys.

  2 Remember how Ra was fucking furious and separated Nut from Geb for eternity?

  Nut was banished to the stars, but when Ra had to push the sun through Duat, the underworld (because Khepri fucking quit), Nut searched the Earth for her beloved.

  She never did find Geb. Instead, Nut found a humble human. They fell in love and Nut once more became pregnant. This time, she went into the underworld, where Ra’s authority is limited. She gave birth to her demigod there and proclaimed him the true king of Egypt.

  The humans embraced him. Everyone bowed down and the child god was made into the pharaoh.

  Ra, also known as god of kings, was livid. Not only did the people worship this half-human more than him, they also took his divine right away to make this brat a king. Moral: It sucks to be Ra. It also sucks to piss Ra off. Hence, our story.

  1. Val

  1 Real wind. Not ‘breaking wind.’

  2 Australian god of wet panties.

  3 A Valkyrie whose name means ‘wearing a war ax,’ also synonymous with skank.

  4 The name of Thor’s infamous hammer—the actual tool, not his dick. Get your mind out of the gutter.

  5 Cod’s tongue—it’s a fucking delicacy, I swear.

  2. Dev

  1 Aeneus is a Trojan prince, son of Greek goddess Aphrodite and the human prince Anchises. He was involved in the Trojan War which, unfortunately, was not a war over condoms.

  2 Forgive Dev’s ignorance here. Modern people/characters don’t know that Cupid/Eros are the same person and history has lots of conflated stories of winged babies flying around shooting people up with love hormones. These stories don’t make sense, because babies should serve as hormone killers, warnings, etc. But myths are what they are.

  5. Val

  1 King of heaven, per our thorough research on Wikipedia.

  2 We were really hoping there would be a Tiandong. But, alas, gong is as close as it gets. We’ll just have to pretend the duke of heaven is named dong.

  3 For people who haven’t seen the hottest of the Avengers superhero movies, Loki is Thor’s brother.’ But not really. But … it’s complicated and not really relevant to this particular story so we’ll leave it at that and let you go drool over Chris Hemsworth if you really want to know more about Loki. (And yes, we know that’s not the most historically accurate place to send you for info on Norse mythology. But it’s the hottest. So … priorities.)

  4 Idunn is the Norse goddess of youth who grows apples that keep the gods young. Her name is not “eye-dun” but “yo-dune” kind of like Yoda, except she’s not green, so far as we know.

  6. Khepri

  1 The Egyptian city known as the ‘City of the Sun God’ where Ra wanked off to his golden statues among the worshipping humans.

  8. The Original Tupac

  1 Inti is Quechua for sun. I can think of nothing snarky to say about that this morning as I’m not fully caffeinated. Thanks for reading the footnote anyway.

  2 A pastime some people like where they weave patterns and shit out of cloth.

  3 Zulu goddess of rainbow, harvests, rain, and beer. So basically everything good. She also has a kickass story so we’re putting it here. She couldn’t find a hubby amongst the gods, so she found an earthly lover. But, to test his love, she disguised herself as a hag and sent a beautiful woman his way. Her lover immediately recognized her—ignoring Big Boobs McGee—and they were married that day. They now live in a rainbow house in the sky—awwww.

  4 Incans could have multiple wives, depending on their ability to work. Women and men often had trial marriages to ensure they were compatible. (Can we give a quick shoutout to a culture that didn’t value virginity as the sign of a woman’s worth?) If a man’s labor was able to support multiple wives (a sign of prestige) then he could take on secondary wives. But his primary wife would be in charge, bitches.

  10. Raiden

  1 Shinto hell. Try telling someone to go to Yomi. Let me know how it goes.

  2 Haitian Voodoo god of harvest, not necessarily known for Jello, but it deserves a god, don’t you think?

  11. Val

  1 Valkyrie of protection, mercy, patience that could choose to heal the dead. A really pointless exercise in futility since her sisters would just kill the person again.

  12. Dev

  1 Gaelic god of wild beasts about whom nearly nothing is known so academics just make shit up.

  2 This is just one example of Poseidon’s asshole tendencies. Greek gods were general assaultist dicks.

  3 Tala is the eldest daughter of Phillipino sun god Arao, who was tricked into devouring some of his children by the moon goddess (since she was afraid his children w
ould “eclipse” hers. He, understandably, got a bit bitter about it.

  4 If you feel like a-Googling, check out the pics of Chinnamasta.

  14. Khepri

  1 Thor’s dad is Odin, the top dog Norse god. He also has only one eye—which he exchanged to become more divine—making Val very punny.

  15. Val

  1 The Norse world of mist, but also where Hel resided. Basically, saying ‘what in the hell.’

  2 Ve is the brother of Odin, who’s historically gotten all the Norse glory. His name and the fact that he supposedly created humans has passed down, but nothing else. Bummer for him that we thank the god of wisdom and death more than the creator.

  3 Land of the Light Elves—you know, the good ones from LOTR.

  16. Tupac

  1 Apollo’s musical battle against Pan is legendary: lyre versus Pan’s pipes. Think of the epic rap battles Biggie and the second Tupac and you’ll get the idea. Apollo gave King Midas the ears of an ass for voting against him. He gave them to Khepri too, but obviously, Khepri was removed from all retellings because those greedy Greek gods don’t want to share their legends with other deities.