by J. B. Havens
Then.
It happened.
The baby was here. Air whooshed from my lungs at the immense relief of the birth being over. The nurse handed the baby up, placing the tiny being on my belly and rubbing its body with a towel, while I did my best to hold the baby with my trembling hands. I was choking on sobs of unabashed happiness and joy. Love unlike anything I’d ever imagined burst in my chest. It was impossibly huge and powerful. I couldn’t stop crying; I was so full of emotions.
“Congratulations, you have a daughter.” The midwife spoke softly.
I looked up to see that she was crying too. Looking back down, I stared at her perfect, miniature face. Her eyes were wide and staring directly into mine. They were a deep blue, like the ocean on a dark night. She wasn’t crying; her wide-eyed expression seemed puzzled, like she was confused about where she was. She blinked at me and her mouth turned down into a frown. I could see the cry building in her face; she was going to be wailing in a second.
“It’s okay, baby girl; it’s your mommy. Mommy’s here; I’ve got you, my baby.” I kissed her forehead, the soft down of her hair tickling my face. She smelled slightly of blood and something else that was hard to describe. New life. Spring and new beginnings.
Chapter Two
Aunt Beatrice was laughing and crying at the same time. Chris’s forehead touched mine and his tears finally fell, dripping onto my cheeks and mixing with my own. The nurse softly touched my arm. “We need to get her cleaned up quick, darling. You need some attention as well.”
“Bea, you did amazing. She’s so beautiful!” Aunt Beatrice wiped her face with a tissue, clutching my now free hand hard in her own. She let me go and wandered over to the warming table where the nurse was cleaning our baby with practiced ease.
“See, I knew you could it.” Chris wiped my sweaty brow with a cool cloth. My hands were shaking as the adrenaline left my body. The delivery staff were bustling about, cleaning me up and helping me into a wheelchair. Chris draped a blanket across my lap and walked beside me as I was wheeled to a different room.
“We’ll bring baby back to you once she’s had her bath and the doctor has checked her over. We’ll help you nurse her for the first time. It’s important for the health of both of you.”
“Yes, I want to try. Of course.” My body felt strange, empty and deflated. For so many months, my form kept growing and changing, and now all at once, I felt lighter as if I would float away any second.
A lullaby chimed over the intercom speakers. The hospital played the music for every birth to indicate that a new life had arrived. With a start, I realized that it was playing for our baby. Glancing upward at Chris, I gripped his hand tightly in mine as more tears welled up in my eyes.
“We’re parents. Holy shit, I’m so happy and scared right now. What if we fuck her up? And what about a name? We never did decide on one. Our kid has to have a name, dammit!”
We entered my new room and the nurse helped me to the bed. My bones ached with fatigue and I was so sore, that if I didn’t know better, I’d say I had just taken a beating.
“Rest now; I’ll get you some pain meds and bring baby to you. After you nurse, we’ll give you a nice hot bath. It’s going to feel amazing.” She smiled reassuringly and patted my hand before leaving the room.
I leaned back in the bed, clinging to Chris’s hand like a lifeline. A few minutes later, a knock on the door heralded a petite nurse pushing a bassinet into the room. A tiny bundle was inside the clear plastic bed, mewling and grunting. Her little arms had escaped from the blanket and waved around.
“Come here, you little peanut. You’re hungry I bet. Here you go, go to Mommy.” The nurse chattered to the baby, cooing and talking to her, before gently laying her into my arms.
“I want to nurse her.” I fumbled with my gown. The sleeves had snaps so I undid one side and pulled it down, not caring one wit about my exposed breasts. I remembered the position I was supposed to hold her in from the classes I had taken. Grasping her head with one hand, I guided her closer. She nuzzled and rooted around in frustration until she got the hang on of it. When she finally latched onto my nipple like a vise, I gasped in surprise.
“She’s a natural. You both are.” The nurse smiled down at us. “She’ll probably only nurse for a few minutes; her stomach can only hold about a teaspoon right now.”
“We need to name her, Chris.” I stared down at her tiny eyelashes resting against her cheeks. Her brow was furrowed in concentration as she pulled and sucked. This precious bundle in my arms had instantly changed my whole world. I felt fiercely protective of her and I knew she had a team of uncles who were going to keep her safe. God help any boy who decided he thought he could date our Steel Baby.
“Phillipa.” Chris spoke softly from where he sat on the bed with us. He was stroking her hair and running the back of one knuckle down her delicate cheek.
Surprised by his choice, I met his eyes, their deep green so full of love for our daughter that I could feel it in my chest. “Phillipa Jordon. We’ll call her P.J.”
“Perfect.” He swallowed hard, his voice catching. “She’s perfect. I’m… in awe—of her and of you. I’m the luckiest man in the world.”
“Bet your ass you are!” I laughed at his shocked expression. “I guess we’re going to need a swear jar or something.” Phillipa finished nursing and promptly fell asleep. Poor Chris hadn’t gotten to hold her yet. I handed her to him. “Go meet your Daddy, P.J.”
Chapter Three
After just two days in the hospital, we were on our way home with Phillipa. I gingerly scooted myself into the front seat of the Rover while Chris secured the car seat under the watchful eye of a nurse. They had to be certain that we not only had the proper seat, but that we knew how to latch it into the vehicle.
Jackson and Aunt Beatrice were back at the castle waiting for us with the rest of the guys. We had asked them not to come to the hospital. They would be living with P.J. for at least the next 18 years, so they would have plenty of time to see her. We were both exhausted. Phillipa had her days and nights confused, so she was up all night and slept during the day. The staff had assured us that this was normal and that she would figure it out soon enough.
“All set?” Chris asked as he started the car.
“Yeah, I’m so ready to be home. The hospital was nice enough, but I want to sleep in my own bed.” I glanced over my shoulder at Phillipa in the back as Chris pulled out into traffic. She was sleeping peacefully, the pacifier in her mouth twitching as she sucked. Her brow was furrowed in concentration and I couldn’t help but wonder if babies dreamed; and if they did, what did they dream about?
“If we can get any sleep. She certainly didn’t let us last night, that’s for sure.” Chris rubbed his hand over his exhausted face. Dark circles rimmed his eyes; he was pale and needed a shave.
I had avoided the mirrors in the bathroom as much as possible; I could only imagine what I looked like. “Remember what the nurse said, this will pass. She isn’t going to be a newborn forever.” I knew it was true, but it was hard to accept when your entire body felt like an open wound and you hadn’t slept more than four hours in two days. “Plus, we’re used to going with no sleep. Just pretend we’re on a mission. Except this mission includes dirty diapers, feedings, and spit up.”
Chuckling, Chris reached across the console and gripped my hand tightly in his. “We’re the luckiest parents in the world. We’ll have lots of help at home too; your aunt said she was going to stay for a while. You need to pump when you can, so you can get some sleep. You also need rest so you can heal.”
I waved his statement off casually. I would heal just fine. I’d dealt with much worse than a few stitches. Granted, those stitches hadn’t been in my hoo-ha, but still. I’d never considered how amazing a rubber glove full of ice would feel against my lady parts, but it was heaven. Before I knew it, we were pulling into the drive at the castle and parking near the door. I slid my legs out of the car first, trying not to jostle my body too
much. I’d taken beatings that hadn’t hurt this much afterward. Chris got Phillipa out of the car and slung the diaper bag over his shoulder, leading the way up to the house. The door opened before we even got close to it. Standing in the foyer were all my men, Jackson, and Aunt Beatrice. Off to the left, my eyes caught a glimpse of a tall body, broad shoulders, and a blond head. “Carter is here?” I asked Chris as we walked inside. Everyone crowded around, fighting to get a glimpse of the baby.
“Apparently he is. Did he bring Jordyn?” Pushing around Flynn, Chris walked into the living room where he set the carrier down on the couch and began to unbuckle Phillipa. I was wrapped in hugs all around, passed to each man, and congratulated. There was a small mountain of gifts in the corner, the volume of pink ribbons and balloons overwhelming.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Carter wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. “How you holding up?”
“In pain and exhausted, but good. I can’t stop looking at her. She’s amazing.” I glanced over at the small crowd gathered around Chris as he held Phillipa against his chest. She was working her head back and forth, no doubt starting to get hungry. Checking my watch, I determined that it had been about three hours since she had nursed. “She’s due for a feeding.”
Carter smiled and lightly touched my scarred cheek. “You’re already an amazing mother. I’m happy for you, kid.”
“Thanks. Did you bring Jordyn?” I asked as we walked together over to Phillipa. She was working up a screaming jag, her face turning red and her tiny fists balled up and shaking since she’d gotten her arms free from her blanket. We’d learned quickly that she liked being swaddled, but she preferred her arms free.
“Yeah; she’s just grabbing something out of my suitcase for me.”
Nodding, I took Phillipa from Chris. Her warm little body snuggled into me, instantly melting my heart. She was rooting around, definitely hungry.
“Chris, will you entertain all these guys and set up the swear jar while I feed her?” Settling her high on my shoulder, I patted her back and shushed her softly while walking up the staircase to the nursery. I was anxious to try out the new rocker Chris had gotten me. I heard footsteps behind me and saw Aunt Beatrice. She opened the door to the nursery for me since I wasn’t used to juggling the baby and other things yet. I took a seat on the plush cushioned rocker, while Aunt Beatrice sat in the wing back chair beside the crib. I pulled up my shirt and unhooked one of the cups of my nursing bra. Phillipa grunted and made all kinds of weird noises until she latched on, but was quiet and content once she relaxed.
“You’re a natural at this.” I looked up at Aunt Beatrice when she spoke.
“I don’t feel like a natural. I’m scared all the time. That I’m going to drop her or do something wrong. Feed her too much or not enough or use the wrong kind of diaper. Let her have her binky too much or not enough. It’s all so confusing. The nurse says one thing, then my midwife says another.” I shook my head and looked at Phillipa. She was slowing down; only being three days old she didn’t nurse much longer than five or ten minutes at a time. My milk was still coming in and my breasts were swollen and hard as rocks. I needed to pump once she fell asleep, otherwise I’d be really sore and milk would leak out all over my chest.
“That’s all normal, dear. Every mom feels that way. I promise you. We’re here to help you; just be sure you let us, okay? I know you can go days with no sleep and still function, but she needs you rested and healthy so you can take care of her.”
“I know. Chris has been amazing. He even changed her first diaper.” I laughed, remembering the expression on his face at the black goo. He was freaking out until the nurse explained it was perfectly normal for newborns. “Speaking of diapers…,” I patted her butt which felt wet and squishy. “Time for a change, baby girl.”
“Here, let me.” Aunt Beatrice scooped Phillipa from my arms with practiced ease and took her to the changing table. She unswaddled the baby and unsnapped her onesie. “It’s okay baby girl, Auntie Beatrice is here. We’re going to get you all cleaned up and wrapped back up, snug and tight. Your mama will rock you to sleep and we’ll get you tucked into bed.”
Phillipa was crying, howling actually. So far, she seemed to really hate being undressed. Even in the warm room, her tiny body shivered. “Here, Aunt Beatrice, put her hat on.” I handed her the soft pink knit hat they’d given us at the hospital. We had been told that newborns get cold very easily and to keep the hat on her as much as possible. I popped the binky into Phillipa’s mouth while Aunt Beatrice slipped the hat onto her fuzzy head, then redressed and rewrapped her. The baby calmed immediately when she was bundled back up.
Aunt Beatrice propped her onto her shoulder and patted her back, murmuring to her softly. “She’s amazing, Bea. You and Chris are already wonderful parents.”
“I’ve only been a mom for a couple days; I think the jury is still out on that one.” I reached out and rubbed my daughter’s tiny back. I could feel her delicate bones just under the surface of her skin. I was so terrified of hurting her that sometimes I was afraid to touch her.
“You’ve been a mother since the moment you found out you were pregnant, dear.” Giving Phillipa a last kiss on her forehead, Aunt Beatrice handed her back to me. I sat in the rocking chair with her, grateful to be off my feet. I was so exhausted and I could feel a headache forming between my eyes. Tucking PJ’s head up under my chin, I breathed deep, loving the soft baby scent of her skin. I rubbed her back in time with my rocking, listening to the coos and gurgling noises she made as she sucked her pacifier and settled down. Her warmth and weight against my chest relaxed me into a half-sleep; not really awake, but not fully sleeping either. My eyes were heavy and I struggled to keep them open. I knew I should put her in her crib and lie down, but I couldn’t force myself to move. I was at peace in a way that I’d never experienced before. Everything felt right in my world. I was full of love and happiness. It sounded mushy and girly as all hell, but it was true. For years, I’d lived from mission to mission, killing and fighting to stay alive. But none of that mattered anymore; the world was both bigger and smaller at the same time. It was centered totally on this tiny person I held in my arms. God help anyone who ever fucked with her, because I would bring an unimaginable level of pain and suffering down upon them, and after I was done, the rest of the guys would have a turn.
Chapter Four
My eyes popped open with a start and I realized I’d fallen asleep holding Phillipa. She hadn’t moved an inch and continued to sleep peacefully. I didn’t know how long I had been out, but it was long enough that I was now alone in the room. Slowly standing so as not to jostle her, I gently laid her down in her crib. I turned on the baby monitor and made sure the camera was facing her correctly. Jones had insisted on a state-of-the-art system that linked into our security and video feeds. We could all monitor her from an app on our phone. I closed the door, leaving it open just a crack to let in the light from the hallway. I knew I had about an hour before she would need to be fed again and I was going to take advantage of it. I was starving and was sure everyone downstairs was wondering where I’d gotten to.
I descended the staircase, following the sound of voices to the kitchen. It sounded like there was quite a bit of celebrating going on in there. As I passed the foyer, I glanced at the giant pile of gifts and knew Chris and I would have to spend some time going through them and thanking everyone.
“Jordon, you should go check on Mic; she’s been up there for a long time.” I heard Pierce say.
Pushing open the door to the kitchen, I said, “No need. I’m right here. Phillipa is sleeping and I’m pretty sure I’m about to pass out from hunger.” Chris pulled out a chair for me at the island and set a full glass of ice water in front of me. He knew that part of breastfeeding was drinking enough water to float a barge on. “Thanks, sweetie.” I downed half the glass and looked along the island at the platters of food sitting everywhere. “Where did all this come from?”
“People se
nt it. We’ve been getting deliveries all day.” Pierce answered as he shoved what looked like half a sandwich in his mouth. “Apparently people are excited about Phillipa. Half of this stuff is from Trident alone.”
I piled a plate with a sandwich, some variety of pasta salad, and a little bit of anything else that looked good to me. “We’ll have to send out a mass of thank you cards.”
Carter stepped up to the island, setting aside his empty plate. Jordyn stood by his side, a large envelope in her hands. “What’s up, Carter?” I mumbled around a mouthful of food.
“We have a gift for you. We can’t stay much longer, sweetheart, but I want you to look at it while we head upstairs and have a peek at the baby.” Taking the envelope from Jordyn, he gently laid it beside my plate. “It’s just a little something for P.J.; I hope you like it.” Carter ran his hand over his beard, betraying his nervousness. His seriousness had me worried. Carter was rarely serious about anything.
I wiped my mouth on a napkin and picked up the envelope. “He’s up to something,” I said after Carter and Jordyn left the kitchen.
“It’s Carter, he’s always up to something,” Rook commented from where he sat with Rosa.
“True.” I untwisted the little red string at the top and lifted the flap before pulling out the stack of papers inside. I skimmed them quickly, surprised and confused at what I was reading. “Chris…” I began but trailed off. I couldn’t find the words.
“Bea, what is it?” He looked over my shoulder at the documents that trembled with my hands. “What did that bastard do?”
“He… it’s… Phillipa now has dual citizenship with Scotland and the United States… and so do we.”
“What?” Flynn’s shock was palpable. Everyone was silent, waiting on bated breath for me to confirm what I’d just said.
“Carter, that beautiful bastard, somehow got us all dual citizenship.” I was reading furiously. Most of it was over my head and so full of legal jargon that no layman could grasp it. But I got enough to know that I was right. There was a paper for each of us; we were all now dual citizens. “We can go home.” My eyes met Chris’s and further words escaped me. He took the papers from my hands, reading for himself. We’d never dreamed that we would ever be able to go back to the States.
