Bodies in Paradise

by Deborah Brown

  “I haven’t regretted a day. Maybe one or two, but we can look past those.”

  Mac laughed. “One incident is all I’m copping to, and what I have to tell you will clean the slate. Da, da, da…” she yelled, and I pulled the phone farther away. “Got a check for the damages to the Caddy and replacement for the palm tree, which I’ll be hustling to Nix’s bank to cash. In exchange, we won’t be prosecuting. Slim chance of that, but she didn’t need to know.”

  “So you took life in prison off the table?” I asked in a faux ’tudey tone.

  “No one got hurt.”

  “Did Crum pay? Or did Nix cough up the moola?” I asked.

  “Nix didn’t haggle; she whipped out her checkbook, wrote the check, and assured me it wasn’t rubber. It was a little too easy—wanted to threaten her with the SWAT Team—and since that didn’t happen, it squeezed some of the fun out of the shakedown.”

  “Who is Nix?” Creole barked.

  “Nice move, putting me on speaker and no warning. Your hair tips would frizz if I did that to you.”

  “Saves me from repeating everything. So much news, I’d forget something, and then his hair would frizz.” I turned to Creole. “Crum’s sister. The parents spit out two of them. She’s in town for a visit.” I couldn’t remember if I’d specifically mentioned the sister or only referred to her as goat woman.

  Creole tugged on the ends of my hair and grinned.

  “They weren’t able to save the tree?” I asked.

  “Tree dude will truck one over as soon as I schedule it. He promised you won’t be able to tell the difference,” Mac assured me.

  “I can’t wait for my introduction to Ms. Nix. I don’t have a speech prepared, but the gist will be not to take anything else that doesn’t belong to her.” There were a couple of other trees she could’ve taken out, which I’d prefer not to risk. “Thank you for squeezing the money out of her.”

  “I’m hoping for a quiet day.”

  “Good luck.”

  We hung up.

  “I’m going to pay a surprise visit.”

  “I know you well enough that I knew that’s what you were planning.” Creole took my face in his hands and squeezed my cheeks, his eyes dancing with humor. “In case you planned to ask—and it pains me to disappoint you—but…” His lips quirked. “I’m not available to go to The Cottages with you today.”

  “You need to practice your facial expressions.” I shot him a couple of my better ones, which made him smirk. “If I were placing a wager—and you know me, any old excuse—what worries that pretty head of yours is that one of the older ladies will jump your hot frame and ride you. No worries.” I flexed my biceps. “I’ll gun up and be your personal bodyguard.”

  “Now there’s a good excuse for me to stay away, since I didn’t have one ready.” The sides of Creole’s lips turned up. “You shoot one or two and your business will nosedive.”

  “Pleaz… Once the news of a shootout gets out—” I shot up the sky with my fingers. “—even the locals will burn up the phone lines for reservations.”

  “You need to behave, and so do your guests.” He gave me a stern look.

  All I wanted to do is lean in and kiss him. “If that’s the way you’re looking at the oldsters, behaving will be the last thing on their minds.” I laughed at his scowl. “I will try to behave myself.” I smiled a how am I doing? grin. “Should I not succeed, I expect a free pass.”

  He stood and pulled me to my feet and into a long kiss. “I’ll walk you out.”

  Chapter Nine

  I’d sent Fab a text and got no response. Before leaving the compound, I called, and it went to voicemail. I doubted I’d see her until tomorrow. I cruised through the entry gate that, along with the security fencing installed around the perimeter of the property, had been another gift from Fab’s father.

  Out of curiosity, and since I’d perused the local news site online and was disappointed—they only had two lines about the Taco Bar explosion and no good pictures—I decided a drive-by was in order. It surprised me that there weren’t any lookie-loos milling about. One would think the news hadn’t spread, but that was difficult to believe. The once-pristine, albeit older, Airstream had been reduced to a burned pile of rubble. Clearly a total loss. I felt bad for the family-run operation and hoped they would recover.

  I rolled down the window and snapped a few photos of my own before heading back to the main highway. A few streets later, I turned off and cut around the corner to The Cottages. Approaching the driveway, I slowed and mourned the loss of the palm tree, eyeing the massive hole where the roots of the old one had been. Tree Dude had been careful not to wipe out the rest of the plants, and only a few would need to be replaced. Turning in, I scanned the driveway—not a porch-sitter in sight. All was quiet, or so it seemed, and I parked in one of the guest spaces in front of the office.

  The office door opened, and Mac skated out in a short tartan skirt and a t-shirt knotted at the waist. She was wearing a pair of shoe skates that had seen better days fifty years ago.

  I waved and walked over to her. “Heard any news about the Taco Bar?” If she’d gone bar-hopping last night, she was sure to know the latest.

  “Arson. Although I can’t tell you my source.” Mac glanced toward Kevin’s cottage, so I knew it was reliable information.

  “When do I get to meet the illustrious Nix?” I eyed the front of the cottage I’d seen her going into yesterday. I should welcome her with my best cop knock.

  “Be nice. She paid,” Mac said in an admonishing tone. “Honest mistake.”

  In some convoluted way maybe, but I didn’t say it out loud.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised if Crum had bragged about town that he owns The Cottages.” Mac spit on her finger and wiped the bug pin on her shirt.

  Except that most people in town knew me and would laugh at him.

  “Nix only lost control because the goat came up behind her and licked her face.”

  I grimaced. “Let me get something straight—the woman checked in with a goat, and mentioning the ‘no farm animals’ policy slipped your mind?”

  Mac threw her hands out. She stumbled and twirled and came back steady on her skates. “It’s not Cottages policy to toss the cars of every guest, so I missed the horny devil. It happens.” She sniffed indignantly. “Be satisfied with your happy ending, because I’m telling you, Nix’s got the gumption to take the case to court and enjoy every minute, even though she’d lose.”

  “You need to stop dancing on those skate things.” I stared down at her feet for the umpteenth time. “You’re going to fall, and I’m really not in the mood to go to the emergency room today.”

  “It’s good for my muscle tone.” She lifted her leg and twirled it around.

  I grabbed her arm to keep her upright, and we both almost ended up in a heap on the pavement. “If I get scratched up, I’m shooting you.”

  “That can’t be your solution to everything.” Mac huffed. “You’ve got to change it up once in a while to be taken seriously.”

  “It usually works. Maybe not with you. Besides, it’s not easy to keep coming up with new tricks.” I flashed a deranged smile that I’d been working on. I couldn’t determine from her double take if I’d mastered it or not.

  “There’s another slight hiccup,” Mac stammered.

  I hated it when Mac waffled. It meant trouble. I was about to demand, What the heck now? Tell me already, when I heard a door slamming. Something told me I better enjoy the last few seconds of calm. I glanced over my shoulder, and the white-haired woman from yesterday, wearing a camo-patterned tennis skirt and top, strode toward me, her knee-high sneakers with red laces slapping the ground and a militant, take-charge look on her face. I blinked and refrained from rubbing my eyes, certain they were playing a trick on me. The woman had a pig at her side with a pink ribbon around its neck, the other end wrapped around her wrist.

  “Before you go off your spool, I was about to tell you,” Mac whispere
d. “I honestly had no clue she had one until I caught her on the security camera in the middle of the night, taking it for a walk. I’d already tipped a few and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be running down the street, chasing her ass, yelling, ‘What the hey hell?’ and ‘Have you lost your mind?’”

  “So saucing it up stopped you from creating a scene in the driveway or somewhere close by?” I found that hard to believe.

  “Ladies’ night at Custer’s—lift your top and get a free beer. Now how do you pass up that kind of offer?”

  How indeed? I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the evening than baring my chest to hooting and hollering locals at that rathole bar. Custer’s sat on the outskirts of town and catered to locals, more aptly described as hardcore drunks, who wanted to drink on the cheap. After several go-rounds with the health department, they’d managed to stay open, serving screw-top wine and beer. I’d heard that they recently got a full liquor license again.

  “Madison Westin?” The woman strode up. “I’ve heard that you’re the owner of this fine establishment.” Not a note of sincerity in her tone. “Nixon Crum, but you can call me Ms. Crum.” Her lips curled up, clearly amused with herself.

  “I think I’ll call you Nix, like everyone else around here, including your brother.” We traded snooty stare-downs. I’d honed my skills on her brother and wasn’t coming in second in this game.

  “One thing we have in common… I find hand-shaking abhorrent,” Nix said, ignoring my comment. “It only makes sense, if you think a second about all the places one has to stick them—and most do and don’t wash up…” Her eyes swept over me from head to toe in the same imperious manner as her brother.

  Crum came barreling around the corner and skidded to a stop. At least he had on ill-fitting shorts, which were bunched at the waist, a bag clip barely keeping them up, the grey waistband of his tighty-whities sticking out the top. “No hard feelings, since we lived up to our end of the agreement,” he said with a fake smile.

  “Except that stinkin’ overpriced tree,” Nix grumbled and glared at where it had once stood. “No one liked my suggestion of a nice cactus. Way, way cheaper, by the way.”

  Cactus! My nose in the air was the only answer she was getting. I was tempted to moan and groan some more about my loss but decided there were more important issues. The pig! “That—” I pointed to the animal. “—needs to be relocated. Today. We’re happy to refund any unused deposit so you can stay close by.”

  Nix straightened to her full height, towering over me by what seemed like a foot and looking down her nose. “Your demand may work on other, more uneducated people, but I know my rights.”

  I didn’t even bother to hide my eye-roll. “Let’s skip the IQ comparison, shall we? Been down that road with your bro, and it’s already been agreed that his is higher and yours can be too,” I said in a cheery tone, ignoring the nudge in my back. “The pig will be gone within the hour. If not, I’ll bring in my eviction team to move you and your bro-ski to the curb, and you can keep each other company elsewhere.”

  “How dare you?” Nix jumped forward, spit flying from her mouth.

  It was her lucky day that it didn’t hit me. I wouldn’t shoot her, but I’d be damn tempted. I took the high road and ignored her, but kept an eye on her as I turned to Crum. “What’s it going to be?”

  “Don’t you worry,” Crum assured me and leapt at his sister, hooking his arm around her shoulders and holding on despite her struggles. He untied the ribbon from her wrist. “Come along, Porky.” He clucked and somehow got the two back to her cottage.

  Guess he didn’t want pig cooties at his place. “One hour,” I yelled after them. Nix stiffened and put up a struggle on the porch. Crum pushed her through the door, whispering furiously. I turned to Mac. “Is now the time to yell after their snooty asses that I’d like a thank you for not calling the cops? What are the chances of her brother getting her packed up and moved out? I know full well he’s not going anywhere.” Not expecting an answer, I asked, “Porky?”

  Mac shrugged. “Turns out it was one of their favorite characters from when they were kids.”

  “Cartoons in the dark ages, who knew?”

  Mac laughed. “Be nice.”

  “I’ve been way nicer than Fab would have been if Nix had been talking down her nose at her, showing her impatience at having to deal with an inferior human.”

  “When you’re a retired scientist, you can lord it over folks. How many of them are running around?” Mac smirked. “Speaking of… where’s your shadow?”

  The only reason I believed Mac’s tidbit is that she wasn’t a liar. “Fab would prefer that you phrase it the other way around.” I thought back to the morning escapade on the dock and smiled, wiggling my brows. “She and the husband have their phones turned off for some alone time.”

  “Oh man, I’d go for that in a hot second.” Mac grinned, which disappeared as Crum bore down on the two of us, Mac in his sights. “If Porky’s about to be my problemo, I want a raise.”

  “Sorry about all the miscommunication,” Crum said as he sauntered up.

  I refrained from snorting. Just barely. I pasted on what I hoped was a sincere smile, but I would bet it came across as smarmy.

  “Since Harold and Porky are siblings… in a way…” Crum seemed momentarily flustered but quickly recovered. “I’m hoping that the farm can take one more. That way, in addition to being able to visit, Nix can easily pick them up when she’s ready to go home.”

  “Harold?” Who the heck…

  “The goat,” Crum sputtered like I was a simpleton. “There’s no need to worry; we’ll get this worked out, and there won’t be a need to kick anyone anywhere.” He focused his attention on Mac as he walked backward toward the cottage. “So you’ll take care of Porky?” He nodded as though it was a done deal.

  Breathe, Madison. I thought his name was Goat. “For a fee,” I yelled.

  He waved as he turned, his long legs closing the distance to his sister’s cottage in a few strides.

  “He’ll haul finds over from the trash, useful or not, and since I have zero chance of getting cash out of him, I’ll have to sell everything at a yard sale.” Mac sighed.

  I laughed. At her look of disgust, I mumbled, “Sorry.”

  “Nix isn’t as tight-fisted, and they’re her children.”

  Children? I squirmed.

  Several female guests walked out of their cottages at the same time. They were of varying ages, sizes, and shapes, but what they all had in common was they were clad in the scantiest bathing suits they could paste on. As though their meet-up had been planned, they congregated in the driveway, arms loaded down with beach bags, and after an exchange of greetings, headed to the pool, their laughter drifting back to us.

  Mac glanced at her watch. “Crum’s exercise class starts in a few minutes. It’s a favorite with the ladies, so we’re not going to say anything negative, are we?” She eyed me suspiciously.

  “I’ll try. Maybe.” I nodded to Porky, who was being led in our direction by Crum. “Are you calling Cootie for help again?”

  “Cootie and Rude are at a funeral for a snake-wrangler friend. Rude was excited because they’re going out on a boat and each person gets to pitch a fistful of the man overboard.”

  I assumed that meant they’d cremated the dude. I squeezed my eyes closed, blocking any images. Porky stopped to pee. “Any plants that die, make sure they get replanted before I find out. And don’t dig them out of the neighbor’s yard,” I said to Crum as he got closer.

  Crum attempted to hand off Porky.

  I waved him off and his what the heck? glare spoke for itself. “So we’re clear—the animal sanctuary is not a free service, and you can expect a boarding fee to cover expenses, feeding, care, etc. Agreed?”

  “Nix won’t balk at any of the charges, as long as they’re reasonable. Me, I’d have eaten them already.”

  “How could you? Your niece and nephew?” Or whatever.


  Mac poked me again.

  Crum was short on humor. It pained the man to deal with stupid people, and this was one of those moments for him. “I’ll guarantee the bill.” He sighed.

  I knew that was painful, since he pinched nickels until they screamed.

  “Do not tell Nix,” he admonished. “Because when it comes time to dole out the cash, she’ll take the animals and skip out if she knows I guaranteed payment. Porky’s going to the same place as Harold? I want to reassure Nix so she won’t worry.”

  “Let’s hope,” Mac grunted. “I’ve yet to call. One of these days, my number will pop up and they won’t answer.”

  “If Blanche can’t take Porky, then she’ll refer you to someone else.” I doubted that would be the case because the woman always went out of her way to help.

  “I’ve got to run; my ladies are waiting.” Crum handed Mac the ribbon and sprinted toward the pool.

  “He’s aware that the no sex with the guests rule is still in place?” I asked.

  Mac nodded. “Now if he could just keep it in his pants when it comes to the ladies in the neighborhood.” She took her phone out of her pocket. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll need help loading Porky into my truck.” In anticipation of my ‘no way’ response, she’d already called Blanche and started to explain the situation. The two women laughed a few times. Porky and I stared at one another. “I really appreciate this.” Mac shoved her phone back in her pocket. “Blanche’s sending over someone to pick up Porky. Thank goodness. She didn’t skip a beat when I explained the situation. One would think she gets calls for pig boarding all the time.”

  We both looked up, hearing a door slam. Nix strode down the driveway and straight to Porky. “I wanted to say goodbye.” She bent down, hooked her arms around his neck, and made kissy noises. He appeared annoyed and obviously wanted to get back to sniffing the grass.