Sweet Collateral

by LP Lovell

  “Rafe.” I choke out his name again, a plea in some form, but I don’t know whether I’m begging him to stop or keep going. Something is building deep inside me like a tsunami heading straight for dry land; unstoppable and forceful. My pulse hammers against my eardrums and my lungs scream for air as my vision dots. In a single breath, everything implodes and everything I once was, explodes outwards in a kaleidoscope of beautiful color. Wave after wave of pleasure washes over my body, lulling me with each passing second. And then it all stops. I close my eyes, needing the temporary reprieve of my own head. The pounding of my pulse quiets until I can hear my own rasping breaths. My body quakes as I try desperately to locate all the fractured little pieces of my mind. It was simple. Everything was simple. Good and bad. Lines drawn very clearly in the sand. And now…

  “Anna.” Rafael’s fingers trail gently over my cheek, and I’m hyper-aware of him. The sound of his steady breaths—the heat radiating from his body. “Look at me.”

  I bite my bottom lip. “I can’t.”

  He huffs a small laugh. “Look at me.” On a deep breath, I open my eyes. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. “Stop,” he orders.

  “Stop what?”

  “You look like you just did something awful.” I can’t help this sick feeling niggling at my gut.

  “I don’t know what I just did. What we just did…”

  “It’s called an orgasm, avecita.” He flashes me a cocky grin and winks before pushing to his feet. He offers me his hand, and I take it, allowing him to pull me up. He tilts his head to the side, watching me in that predatory way of his. He grabs my face, titling my head back. “Why are you ashamed? You taste amazing.” I blush even harder, and he laughs, kissing my forehead. “You’re so fucking innocent, but I’m going to corrupt you, avecita. Piece by piece. And you’ll like it.”

  I did like it, every bit as much as I hated it. Two sides of the same coin. Anything sexual will always be accompanied by the shame. Why would he want to do that? Why would he put his mouth on me? I’m tainted and dirty. It always comes back to why would he want me? Why would he say he loves me? Trust him.

  “I…” I grab my yoga pants and yank them on. “I need to go.” I rush towards the door with Rafael calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop. I need air. I need space. I need a minute to try and balance who I am and who I was because right now, the two are fighting for space in my head. I’m a messy concoction of them both like pieces of thread so impossibly knotted together, you’ll never truly be able to pull them apart. But I want to. God, I want to.

  34

  Anna

  I retreat to the bedroom and take a hot shower, attempting to wash away my shame and cleanse my mind. The very air around me feels heavy and oppressive, and my mind is like quicksand, trying to hold me down and pull me under, but I fight it.

  As I close my eyes, I picture the smile on Rafael’s face, the pride in his eyes. I try to hold onto that, but it’s so hard. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me before going to the closet.

  “Anna.” I turn around and find Rafael, one hand braced against the doorframe. I eye him, my stomach knotting under his stare. “Your sister wants to speak to you.” He holds the phone up, and I stare at it for a second, my heart rate skipping pointedly. He covers the microphone, frowning. “You don’t have to speak to her yet if you don’t want to.”

  “She’s my sister,” I whisper.

  “I don’t give a fuck who she is. If you don’t want to speak to her, you don’t speak to her.”

  I take a cleansing breath and hold my hand out for the phone. His eyes lock with mine as he places it in my hand. I imagined so many times what it would be like if I ever found her, but now that it’s happening, I find myself recoiling, afraid of disappointment. We’re not children anymore. She’s no longer the protective older sister I once knew, and I’m not the innocent little girl she tried so hard to preserve. I place the phone to my ear, my heart beating erratically.

  “Hello.”

  There’s a pause. “Hey,” she says, her accent more American than Russian, but with just a hint of our homeland lingering beneath.

  I don’t know what to say to her. Rafael turns to leave, but I grab his hand, halting him. I don’t know why. I just…need him. I have no idea what to say to Una, and I glance at him as if he can help me, but this is the one thing he can’t help me with. I have to do this on my own. His fingers thread through mine, his thumb skating small circles over the back of my hand.

  “Thank you for helping me,” I say. Una and I strangers, but she risked everything to try and save me.

  “I…you’re my sister,” she takes a breath. “I looked for you.”

  “I know. Rafael told me.”

  Another long pause. “I will get you out of Mexico. I will. It’s just not safe right now.” What? No.

  “I’m safe with Rafael.” I’m grateful to her, I am, but she’s still a faceless dream.

  “Okay. Well, I love you,” she whispers. “And Anna, be careful. This world is full of enemies.”

  I hang up because I don’t know what else to say to her. Handing the phone back to Rafael.

  “Una called you?”

  “Nero did.”

  “She’s with him?”

  He scrubs his hand over his face. “I think they’re together.”

  “Together…?”

  “She’s his.” My eyes go wide. “She wants to be his.” He clarifies.

  “Why would she want to stay with a man who blackmailed her?”

  He moves closer, gaze locking with mine. “Why would you want to stay with a man who kept you captive?”

  “That’s not the same.”

  “Isn’t it? Just know that no one could make Una do something she doesn’t want to do.”

  “I don’t like him.”

  Rafael tosses his head back on a laugh. “Yeah, he can be a prick.”

  “He bought me.” I fold my arms over my chest. “He’s more than a prick.”

  Rafe grins. “He did buy you to give to Una.” I glare at him. “Sometimes it’s easier to buy something than take it by force. Dominges isn’t the easiest to deal with.”

  “Are you defending Nero Verdi right now?”

  He pulls his shirt off and reaches for a new one hanging on the rack. “Definitely not.” He shrugs the material over his shoulders, fastening the little buttons, though his large hands make the task look like an ordeal. I step forward and swat him out of the way, doing them one by one. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look up. “Anna.”

  “Yeah?” I still don’t look at him.

  “Are you okay?” Such a loaded question with no straight answer. Instead of divulging the mess that is my head, I paint a smile on my lips.

  “I’m fine.”

  He places one finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him the same way he always does. There’s no escaping Rafael—he won’t allow it. He forces me to face everything head on, just like he does.

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  I inhale a steadying breath. “I’m trying. Just promise me that you won’t force me to go with my sister.”

  He studies my face for a second, jaw ticking beneath the dark stubble. “What makes you think I would let that happen?”

  “She said she would come for me.”

  His thumb drags over the corner of my lip. “You’re mine, little warrior. Una can’t change that.” I offer him a shaky nod, and he presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to handle this business in Juarez. I’m leaving Lucas and two of my other guys. The rest of my men will be on the perimeter and the house.”

  I roll my eyes. “I do not need three babysitters, Rafe.”

  He smirks and steps back, shoving his jeans down his legs. “I want you to have three guards.” He takes a pair of dress pants and tugs them on.

  “It’s unnecessary. They’ll be bored. They’ll hate me.”

  All trace of humor washes from his face, one eyebrow arching
high. “They’ll do whatever the fuck I tell them to do.” He slides a hand around the back of my neck. “They should think themselves honored that I would trust them to protect you when I can’t.”

  “Oh my god. You’re ridiculous.”

  He tugs me closer and presses his lips into my hair. “Only for you.” I press my face into the crook of his throat, inhaling the cigar smoke and citrus scent that seems to permanently cling to his skin. “I have to go, avecita.”

  I don’t know why, but my stomach tightens at the idea of him leaving. It’s stupid. I don’t need to be with him at all times, but for some reason, a feeling has settled into my gut, like something bad is going to happen. I can’t explain it. It’s probably just from before—when he left, and those guys broke in. It’s not like he hasn’t left to go and handle business plenty of other times. Just not since we’ve been at this house.

  “Okay. I’ll see you later.” I step out of his embrace, and he turns away, leaving the closet. I tug the towel tighter around my body, forcing away that feeling of impending doom. It’s in my head. I’ve become too dependent on him. I was once so strong and unbreakable, and now… he’s made me so fragile. The life I’ve lived, it makes you untouchable, but Rafael could destroy me because I’ve placed my trust in him. No other man can say the same. He holds my heart in his hands like a tiny little ember that he continues to nurture, shielding it from the wind until it becomes a tiny flame. But all he has to do is close his fist, and it’ll be snuffed out so easily.

  I skirt the edge of the gardens, walking out into the eucalyptus grove. The sun dances between the leaves of the trees, and I pick one, crushing it between my fingers until the fragrant scent of the sap wafts around me.

  I know Lucas is out here somewhere, as well as the two unknown guards I expect. That uneasy feeling hasn’t dissipated, and I find myself glancing over my shoulder every two seconds, suspicious of everything. It’s just because Rafael’s gone. When he’s around, I truly feel as though nothing and no one could touch me. I’m not sure anyone would dare, but the last time he left... I feel like a favored lamb left unguarded by her lion, and now the wolves are just waiting to take a bite. I know it’s ridiculous. Rafael said that this house is like a hilltop fortress. No one would attack here, and unlike last time, he left his best men here.

  I force myself to walk further into the eucalyptus grove, to feel the dry grass beneath my toes and the sun on my skin. I make my way to the very end of the grove, where the low wall separates the grass from the sheer drop of the hillside beyond. Resting my elbows on it, I stare out at the rocky desert stretching far below us. The flat expanse runs for miles before it meets a rock formation that seems to reach high into the sky, creating a mountainous ridge. It’s vast and beautiful. There’s no sign of life anywhere, for as far as the eye can see.

  In my periphery, I see Lucas move beside me, resting his back against the wall.

  “It’s hot as fuck out here,” he mumbles.

  “Why do you Mexicans keep complaining about the heat?”

  He snorts. “We may live here, but there is such a thing as air conditioning. Why do you like the sun so much, Russian?”

  I glance at him. “I didn’t see it for a very long time.”

  He instantly looks mortified. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Do you want me to go back inside?”

  He swipes a hand over the back of his neck. “No, it’s okay.”

  “Did Carlos go with Rafael?”

  Lucas shakes his head. “No, the boss made him stay here. He’s pissed. He’s not used to staying in the expensive houses, you know? He prefers the streets.”

  I nod. “He feels out of place.”

  “Yeah. We were raised poor. Sometimes you almost feel guilty for having more. Especially when you earn your money doing this.” He kicks at the grass with his scuffed converse.

  I glance out over the desert again. “We all do what we have to in order to survive, Lucas. There’s no shame in that.” Lucas, Carlos, Rafael…they’re not good men, but they aren’t bad men either. They’re just taking the only opportunities handed to them.

  “Thanks.” I glance at the wide gawky grin on his face. A bang splits the air, and it sounds almost like the cracking of a whip. The smile falls from Lucas’ face, his skin instantly washing white as he clutches his stomach. A red spot is slowly spreading beneath his fingers, staining his white t-shirt.

  “Lucas!” He drops to the ground, landing on his back on the grass. His mouth opens and closes like he’s trying to speak but can’t. “Lucas!” He’s been shot. I press my hands over his stomach where warm blood pools between my fingers. Where the hell are these other guards? I glance around, but I can’t see anyone. In a panic, I pat Lucas’s pocket and find his phone. With trembling fingers, I manage to dial Carlos’ number and put it on speakerphone so I can press both hands over Lucas’ stomach.

  “Little bro,” Carlos answers.

  “Carlos,” I sob. “He’s been shot. I can’t…there’s so much blood.”

  “Where are you?”

  “The –”

  Something covers my mouth, and I thrash wildly as a horrible chemical smell makes my eyes water. My vision blurs, my mind swirls, and the last thing I see before everything goes black is Lucas’ bleeding form lying in the grass.

  35

  Rafael

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I ignore it, staring across the table in the middle of the deserted little café. A fan lazily whirs above us, blending with the tinkling of traditional music crackling over the speakers.

  “Twenty-five percent,” Jimmy’s replacement says.

  I glance at Samuel beside me. His lips twitch, and I laugh. “The balls on this little fucker.” These street gangs. Honestly, they run a few drugs, make some money, kill a few guys, and they think they’re the shit. Irritatingly, this particular gang makes up fifty percent of my Juarez revenue. Hence why I’m dealing with this shit myself.

  Sam shrugs. “No respect, boss.”

  My phone vibrates again, pissing me off. I look at the kid sitting across from me, the shitty tattoos up the side of his face, some crap scrawled illegibly over his forehead. “You’ll get fifteen, the same as I agreed with Jimmy, and if I get any shit on your patch, you’re out.” He frowns, eyeing me up and down before he reluctantly nods his head. “Good. I now own you.”

  Samuel turns away from us, taking his phone from his pocket and glancing at the screen. “Boss, we have to go.” There’s an urgency to his voice, an undertone of panic that no one else would hear, but I know him.

  “We’ll be in touch,” I say to the kid, pushing to my feet. I don’t wait for a response before I’m striding from the shitty little bar, fastening the buttons on my jacket. Samuel falls into step beside me.

  “Anna’s been taken.” My heart seizes in my chest, and everything around me fades to nothing more than a low hum. Anna’s been taken. A fear unlike anything I’ve ever felt grips me in its clutches, squeezing the air from my lungs. I force the impending panic down and close the lid on it. In its place is nothing but icy focus, and that’s exactly what I need. My heart rattles against my ribs like a caged animal hammering at the bars I’ve just erected around it. I can’t think with anything other than my head right now.

  I stride outside and yank the back door of the car open. “Who has her?” I get in the car, and Samuel slides in behind me, slamming the door.

  He presses a few buttons on his phone, and a dial tone fills the car.

  “Yeah.” It’s Carlos, and he sounds…fragile.

  “Tell me everything,” I say.

  There’s a pause. “I…Lucas got shot.”

  I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. Carlos is family, which makes Lucas family. I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood. “Is he…?” Samuel can’t speak the words.

  “I’m not sure he’s going to make it. They took him to the hospital,” Carlos whispers. “They shot Michael and Enrique as w
ell. They’re dead. Anna’s gone.”

  My fists tighten until my knuckles ache under the strain. “Who?”

  Carlos is silent for a second. “She called me. Before they took her. She called from Lucas’s phone to tell me he’d been shot.” Of course she did. How many fucking times did I tell her to run? “I heard muffled voices over the phone, but I couldn’t make anything out. Maybe an accent?” That doesn’t mean shit.

  “It’s Dominges,” I growl.

  “I don’t know, Rafe. They got in and out without anyone else seeing them. I can’t work out how they even got near the place without being seen. The bullet I just pulled out of Enrique is a 25. cal bullet. Rare. Specialized. These aren’t some street gang bangers.”

  “He’s hired men before. It’s him.” I know it is. I can still picture his face—the way he looked at Anna like she was the goddamn golden fleece.

  “What do you want to do?” Samuel asks me.

  I tap my index finger over my bottom lip, willing my emotions to take a back seat. “Carlos. Gather some men. Go to Dominges townhouse. Kill everyone. Bring the woman.”

  “Yes, boss.” The phone cuts off, and the unfamiliar feeling of helplessness consumes me.

  I don’t look at Sam as I speak. “Call in everyone. Send word to our guys on the border. They’ll probably try and get her out of Mexico.” Out of my reach.

  He starts tapping over the screen of his phone, rallying the troops.