Bitter Pills

by Coralee June

  “I’m not?” her challenging question was accompanied by a hard stare. She glared at me, daring me to contradict her.

  “You haven’t been alone since Nix asked me to help you escape Santobello. You haven’t been alone since Gavriel found you. You haven’t been alone since Sunshine met you. You are loved, Grace. It might not be what you want or what you are used to, but there is an entire family of people that want to see you happy and thriving.”

  A single tear traveled down her cheek, and the crack of vulnerability made me wish that I’d been more tender with her from the start. I was the one keeping her at arm’s length. “I realized I was gay when I was twelve,” I admitted. It seemed fair to share my own story now. Grace had been honest with me from the beginning. It was time to open up. She lifted her head to stare at me as I continued, “I had a friend named Tony. We did everything together. Most of my childhood was spent causing chaos in our neighborhood. I never told him I was gay, but as we got older, it was harder to hide my feelings. When we were seventeen, he came over to watch football, and I stole the remote. We did what guys do, and he wrestled me for it. I got an embarrassing hard-on. He felt my twitching cock against his stomach and just froze. I don’t know why I did it, but I leaned up and I just kissed him.”

  Grace winced. “How’d he take it?”

  “Bad. It was sloppy and wet and ridiculous. Tony let it happen for half of a second, but then he shoved me off and kicked my ass. He called me some nasty names and left. Then, he told my adoptive parents. Lori and Richard were chronically religious, so they kicked me out. I went to a transitional facility for a few more months until college started. Then I found the vigilante hacker group. They gave me a scholarship of sorts. I worked for them in exchange for tuition for college. At the time, it seemed like a fair trade-off. But then things sort of spiraled when I joined Santobello’s ranks.”

  She knew all about my time with Santobello. I didn’t need to go into the horrors of what I’d experienced there. “Nix was in that vigilante group, right?” she asked.

  “He was. They were an army of homeless and orphan teens, and the leader trained us how to hack. I finally felt like I had a home. I finally felt like I could be myself. I met Nix, and I guess you could say the rest is history.”

  Grace grabbed my hand. “What happened between you two?”

  “Are you sure you want to know?” I asked her. “It’s a long story.”

  She let out a sigh. “We’ve got nothing but time. Besides, don’t you think it’s time we had this conversation? We’ve both known how each other feels about Nix, but we never discussed what happened. It’s okay to talk about it.”

  It wasn’t okay, though. It hurt to think about, let alone say out loud. “I loved him,” I choked out. The admission felt damning. “But he loved everyone. I couldn’t share—wouldn’t share. We had a really difficult breakup. We were young and stupid. I don’t know. I never really got over him. There was this girl, Elizabeth, that Nix wanted to bring into our relationship. I tried so fucking hard to love her, to want her. I thought it would make Nix stay if I did. But it didn’t feel right. Nix was happy for a little while, but she wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, so Nix eventually left.” I let out a puff of air and tried to rein in my emotions. “Elizabeth was heartbroken, and I tried to comfort her. She thought we were more than we really were. I was ashamed to admit that my feelings for her were forced at best. I went along with it because I felt bad for her. She wanted a boyfriend, and I wanted to forget Nix. But Santobello killed her. It was my fault. She died because of me.”

  “Wow. I can’t imagine going through that,” Grace replied with a sympathetic frown. It was painful to think about. Elizabeth was innocent in all of this. Maybe she would still be alive if I had just been true to myself. I was trying to please Nix by letting her in, but we all lost in the end. I couldn’t share Nix because it wasn’t in my DNA. I’d never had someone I cared about enough or even liked enough to share him with. “Poor Elizabeth. Was Nix your first?”

  I laughed. “Yeah. You know what I love about Nix?” Grace flinched, and I realized I said love instead of loved.

  “What do you love about him?” she asked.

  I clenched my fist while responding. “Until I met him, it felt like I was just floating through life. He stuck to his convictions. He made decisions easily. He was this powerful presence. He lived and spoke without shame. He just completely owned who he was.”

  “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Grace asked. “His loyalty was the first thing I noticed about him. I was jealous of Sunshine in the beginning. Everyone is hopelessly devoted to her, but Nix took it to another level. He didn’t project his personal experience and preferences onto her. He understood that she was her own person and trusted her to do what she needed to do. Their friendship was something I wanted for myself. And Nix was just this strong, unapologetic man. He made me feel safe and protected. He made me feel cherished.”

  “I want you to feel safe with me,” I admitted. This trip had taught me a lot about my feelings for Grace. I cared about her. I cared about her a lot more than I was previously willing to admit. If anything happened to Grace, I didn’t think I would be able to cope. I’d miss her honesty. I’d miss her snark. I’d miss the way she made me feel comfortable in my skin and capable of taking on the world. I’d miss the way she teased me, too. I guess at the end of the day, I’d miss my best friend. Grace and I were lonely people who found one another.

  “I do,” she replied. “It's not the same as with Nix, but I know you’re always there. Even if you don’t want to be.”

  “Most of the time, I want to be,” I replied with a grin. “Except when you watch the Kardashians.”

  “That show is a spiritual experience, and you know it,” she teased.

  “That show is scripted drama.”

  We sat in silence for a moment, but Grace spoke again. “Thank you for trusting me with your story. I’m sorry people are assholes. And Tony is a dumbass. Do you realize how hot you are? If I thought you’d enjoy it, I’d fuck you right now on this crowded airplane.”

  I chuckled while stroking her hair. “I’ve slept with women before, mostly out of morbid curiosity. But I am very much gay. It took me a while to navigate. Nix played a big role in helping me find myself. Before, I thought masculinity and sexuality were moving targets I couldn’t pin down. Now, I’m just myself. No single aspect of my character, preferences, or needs defines me. I’m Alessandro. I like dick. I love a man who’ll never love me back. And my best friend is an annoying chick who likes to watch me get my dick sucked.”

  Grace smiled. It was the first time I’d made such a declaration, and maybe I was still reeling from our near-death experience, but I needed to let her know. What I felt for Grace was different than what I felt for Elizabeth. It was right. It wasn’t forced. It was real, raw love. Grace made me feel safe. I could unapologetically be myself with her.

  “Don’t you fucking dare make me cry, Alessandro.” She sniffled and looked me right in the eye. “I love you.”

  My throat became clogged with emotion. “I love you, too.”

  She shook her head and let out a laugh, dissolving the heaviness of our conversation. It felt good to lay our cards out on the table. “The good ones are always gay,” Grace sighed playfully. “I’ll settle for shamelessly cuddling you and feeling up your six pack abs, though. And watching. I like that.” With those words, her nimble fingers settled over my stomach, and she stroked my muscles.

  I shook my head. Voyeurism was more Nix’s kink, but I didn’t mind. “Happy to put on a show anytime, Grace.”

  There was still unspoken tension between us. I couldn’t help but wonder how long this would last. I knew things would change once we found Nix. I wasn’t sure I could watch them together. I didn’t want to choose between them, but if I did, I was no longer sure who I’d pick.

  Our near-death experience made me realize that I needed to spend more time with Grace. I needed to give our friends
hip an honest shot. I could see us growing closer now that I was being honest with myself about how I felt. She wasn’t just an obligation. She was a tether to the man I loved. A friend. Someone I could trust if I allowed myself to break down the walls I’d built up around myself.

  But if Nix picked me, I wasn’t sure I could tell him no, and I would ultimately become another person that abandoned her.

  Sydney, Australia, was chilly and in the throes of their version of winter. The sprawling cosmopolitan city was surrounded by water, and it had beaches that made me want to forget all the stress plaguing us and spend a day resting on the sand. The people had a sense of style all their own, and I caught myself eyeing some of the taller men in tailored suits strolling down the business district. We got a room at the Sofitel hotel that overlooked the water and was surrounded by restaurants that boasted outdoor seating. If we weren’t running for our lives or searching for Nix, it would have made for a nice vacation.

  “I need clothes. And a nap,” Grace said while holding my arm as we strolled toward a high-end shopping center. I was lucky enough to have untraceable cards, but I still pulled enough cash out to be safe. I didn’t trust that these people easily believed that we were dead. We just had to get settled and find a plan. “Be honest, does my hair look terrible?”

  Yeah. It did. It was just a collection of knots on top of her head. “Nope. It looks great.”

  “Liar.”

  “Okay, fine,” I began. “It looks like shit, and there are a couple of birds eyeing you. I bet they’re trying to figure out if your hair could be used as a nest. You also have debris coating every strand. You’re scratched and bruised to hell and desperately need a shower.”

  “Damn, Alessandro,” she said while scrunching her eyes and pulling away. “I asked about my hair, you didn’t have to do me dirty with everything else.” She shook her head, then led the way into the store, and within minutes she was already picking through pajama sets and yoga pants. “How long do you think we’re staying?” she asked while chewing on her lip.

  “I’m not sure yet. I need to get set up in the hotel and set up a secure IP address and do some digging. We might have to move again. Grab enough clothes to be on the run for a while. Whoever these people are, they don’t want us getting close to Nix and have no problem getting rid of us.”

  She nodded and rolled her shoulders back. “Got it. Think we can fit a coffee date in there somewhere? I hear Australian coffee is to die for. Maybe brunch?”

  I smiled. “I think we can make that happen.”

  “Can we have brunch on the beach?” she pressed with a sly smile.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” I replied with a chuckle. I liked putting a smile on Grace’s face. I liked seeing her free of worries and full of excitement.

  I stayed nearby as she piled clothes over her slender arm. She didn’t bother trying them on. Grace was definitely ready for a nap. I’d followed her shopping before and knew she was meticulous about clothes and style and fit. Right now she was just grabbing the necessities. Once she was done, I grabbed some options of my own and a carry-on suitcase for us, then picked up some toiletries and a first aid kit. We checked out, loaded the bags into our rolling carry-on, and started heading back toward the hotel.

  It wasn’t until we were about half a mile from the Sofitel that I noticed him—a man with a ball cap and sweatshirt was following us. He kept slipping behind buildings to avoid being seen. My muscles went tense, and I considered my options. I didn’t want to tell Grace just yet.

  “Little One?” I said in a low voice.

  “Yeah?” She was humming to herself, likely trying to stay awake. I just hoped she could pull it together long enough to do what needed to be done.

  “Someone is following us,” I said in a low voice. “I need you to grab our suitcase and sprint to the hotel. You have the key, right?” I asked while eyeing her. She stumbled over her feet and nodded. Good. “Once you get there, lock the door. If I’m not there in forty-five minutes, I want you to grab your passport and the money, then grab the first flight out of here. Get cleaned up; you might be on the run for a while. I don’t care where your flight goes. Don’t stop moving until you hear from Gavriel.”

  “Alessandro, what are you saying?”

  “Run. Run, Grace.”

  She paused for a moment to whisper, “I love you,” before gripping the handle of our suitcase and sprinting toward the hotel. I moved immediately, turning around and sprinting after the man following us. My muscles burned from soreness, and I was so tired I felt like passing out. But I kept my eyes locked on my target and moved fast.

  Got you, motherfucker.

  Chapter Eight

  Nix

  I shouldn’t have come.

  It was hard enough escaping the guards that kept watch over me. This morning, when I saw footage of Alessandro and Grace going through customs, my heart bottomed out. They were being reckless. Alessandro didn’t know how to disappear quite like I did. I watched them when I could, then became anxious when I realized they were shopping just around the corner of where I was being held. It was risky, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the Ringleaders found out that I’d escaped—or found Alessandro and Grace. But I had to warn them.

  So I crushed pills in my guard’s drink and slipped out the window when he passed out. I’d been saving this method for a special occasion. I’d never attempted to escape before, so the guards weren’t expecting it. I had to see if Alessandro and Grace were okay. I needed to see that they really were alive, as well as make sure none of the Ringleaders were following them. I should have known Alessandro would catch me stalking after them. The moment Grace sprinted off toward the hotel they were staying in, I spun around and ran the opposite direction. My feet pounded against the pavement. Confused pedestrians filtered out of the way as I dodged and ducked to get away. No, no, no. He couldn’t find me, because then they would find him. I was so fucking stupid.

  My breathing became labored as I sprinted across a bridge and through a strip of restaurants with outdoor seating. I knocked over a chair and sent glasses flying when my body collided with a vacant table. People were shouting, and I took a split second to look over my shoulder. Alessandro was gaining on me. And when our eyes met, he stumbled in shock. Fuck.

  I pushed harder and turned left down an unpopulated street. At the end was the ocean, and if I weren’t fucking terrified of sharks, jellyfish, and the like, I’d jump in. There was nowhere for me to run to.

  I spun around. “Stop!” I screamed while holding my hands up. “Just let me go.”

  Alessandro ignored me, running harder than ever before. I watched in awe as his long legs closed the distance between us. My chest heaved as he sprinted closer, closer, closer. That wild brown hair of his whipped about. He breathed chaos and desperation. When he stopped in front of me, a battle of wills erupted. I helplessly looked him in the eye.

  “It’s you,” he whispered in awe before reaching out to touch my cheek. I closed my eyes at the contact. When was the last time someone touched me so tenderly? He smelled like sweat and airport, but I didn’t fucking care. “It’s really you.”

  Alessandro stepped closer. Our bodies molded together. It was a familiar stance. I relaxed, the muscle memory of being in his embrace welcomed me home with a vengeance. He pressed his forehead to mine. He breathed me in. He cupped both of my cheeks.

  He needed to leave.

  “You shouldn’t be here. You both need to go right now. I can’t be seen with you. They’ll—”

  Alessandro cut me off with a searing kiss. His mouth was lined with gritty stubble. His soft lips danced with mine. It was a reunion of passion. Of longing. Of need and desire and hot, carnal lust. He grabbed my hoodie and clutched it in his fists, yanking me closer. I threaded my hands through his hair and pulled. He nipped at my bottom lip while groaning in pleasure. My cock throbbed and jerked against his muscular frame. I wrapped my arm around his back and dug into the flexed muscles
there.

  Our teeth crashed together, and his sweet tongue lapped me up. He moved to my jaw and licked a long line up the defined muscle before sucking on my neck. I moved my hands to the waistband of his pants and tugged on his belt buckle. He moaned and poked at me with his cock—a cock I wanted to wrap my lips around. “Fuck,” he groaned. The sunshine beat on our heads. The ocean waves crashed around us, but we were gone to the world. I was kissing Alessandro once again. I was feeling once again. He sunk his hands up under my sweatshirt and danced his rough fingers along the grooves of my abs. I cupped his bulge and squeezed slightly, making him melt against me.

  “Yesss,” I hissed. Our frantic bodies moved with a sense of familiarity. Alessandro grabbed my ass, my neck, my cock. We openly groped one another without a care in the world. On and on it went. He bruised my top lip with his punishing kisses. A tingle traveled up my spine, and I could have come on the spot if an intrusive thought didn’t invade my mind. I pulled away.

  “Wait, wait. Where is Grace?” I asked. Alessandro’s face soured, and I knew I’d ruined the moment. The moment was always ruined between us.

  “Fuck,” he cursed before stepping backward. He eyed my lips like he wanted to devour them again. I probably would have let him if this wasn’t so fucking dangerous. He ran his hands through his hair and started pacing. “Come with me.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  Alessandro stomped up to me and gripped my collar. No longer was his expression filled with awe and lust. He looked like he wanted to kick my fucking ass. “You’re coming with me. You’re going to see Grace, because she’s been miserable without you. You’re going to stop being a pussy and tell us about what we’re up against. You’re going to do it if I have to drag you back myself.”