The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age

by Robert Rankin

  Cameron Bell watched him floundering weightlessly. He could of course just slam the outer door shut and leave the corporal hanging there. Slamming the outer door shut might well sever the rope that tethered him to the ship. That would be that.

  Cameron Bell shook his head and followed the corporal into space. They were still linked together by the communication cable, although secured to the ship by separate ropes. Cameron Bell said, ‘Sorry, I tripped, far too much rum last night.’

  Corporal Larkspur had steadied himself ‘Your next drink will be with the Devil,’ was what he had to say.

  ‘I am quietly confident,’ said Cameron Bell, in a way that sounded as if he must truly have meant it. ‘But before we perform the duel, might I ask you a question or two?’

  Laughter rang in the detective’s ear. ‘Oh, please do, Mr Bell.’

  ‘Who employs you?’ asked Cameron Bell. ‘And what was your real reason for coming to Venus?’

  Corporal Larkspur seemingly hovered before Mr Bell. And although the Marie Lloyd rushed on towards Earth, there was no sense of motion. Just two men floating in a blackness that appeared almost liquid. It was one of the most curious experiences Cameron Bell had ever had. If it were not for the prospect of imminent death it would also have been one of the most pleasurable.

  ‘I work for a great man,’ said Corporal Larkspur. ‘The greatest of this or any age. Soon his name will be known on all the inhabited worlds of the Solar System. Because he will rule them all.’

  ‘I feel the Governments of Earth, Jupiter and Venus might have something to say about that,’ said Mr Bell, who could see Mars quite clearly from where he drifted and very nice it looked, too.

  ‘All will soon be his.’

  ‘But you would not care to tell me how?’

  ‘No,’ said the corporal. ‘I would not. But I will tell you this. The reason for the journey to Venus was so that I could acquire a certain mineral.’

  ‘Magoniam,’ said Cameron Bell.

  ‘Correct. The Jovian hunters were just a means to an end. If there was any trouble with the natives they could shoot it out, like those cowboy fellows in America, whilst I absconded with the mineral prize.’

  ‘And the colonel?’

  ‘Expendable along with the rest. A brave man, I knew he would defend his employer. He actually thinks I will allow him to leave the ship alive with all that money.’

  ‘You intend to kill everyone on board, then?’

  ‘I have a rather splendid Treacle Sponge Bastard prepared. Laced with poison. I will be serving it tonight. Then I return to Earth alone.’

  ‘That is assuming that you are lucky enough to win this duel.’

  ‘Lucky enough?’ The laughter now hurt Cameron’s ear. ‘I do not think that luck will play any part in this.’

  ‘Events do not always go precisely as one might wish,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘One side believes that he has the advantage, when in fact it was the other side all along.’

  ‘On this occasion you will find that I have the advantage.’

  ‘How so?’ asked Cameron Bell.

  ‘Well, let me see.’ Within his helmet, Corporal Larkspur’s face took on a thoughtful expression. ‘I am younger, fitter, stronger, braver and more skilful with a ray gun than yourself.’

  ‘I am not as old as you might think,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘I suffered premature baldness. It runs in my family.’

  ‘It will run no longer, Mr Bell.’

  ‘And as to skills with a ray gun — I will have you know that I am a member of the Hurlingham Shooting Club. I won a gold cup two years ago for bagging eighteen pair of grouse on a single day at Lord Hartington’s estate in Sheen.’

  Laughter fairly rattled Cameron’s head.

  ‘Perhaps you should have brought your shotgun along,’ the corporal suggested.

  ‘I have the trusty Educator.’ Cameron waggled his ray gun about.

  ‘Oh yes. Your dear little ray gun. The one you used to start the spaceship.’

  ‘That very one,’ said Cameron Bell.

  ‘The one on which you reversed the neutron flow to charge the battery of the ship’s engine.

  ‘Saved all our lives,’ said Cameron, proudly. ‘And you never acknowledged that.’

  ‘No. You are right. I should.’ Corporal Larkspur could hardly speak at all now, he was laughing so hard. ‘So you are going to shoot me with that?’ he managed to say.

  ‘That is my intention,’ said Cameron Bell.

  ‘But just tell me how, if you will?’ Corporal Larkspur was shaking now from head to floating foot.

  ‘I thought I might just point it at you and squeeze the trigger,’ the detective suggested.

  ‘Oh do. Please do.’

  ‘Do you not want us to count up to ten?’ asked Cameron Bell.

  ‘No.’ Corporal Larkspur was literally sobbing with laughter. ‘Just aim and pull the trigger. Go on, do.’

  ‘Splendid,’ said Cameron Bell and without further words on his part he aimed the ray gun at Corporal Larkspur and pulled the trigger.

  Cameron Bell pulled the trigger again and again.

  But nothing happened. Not a thing. Not one little thing. Cameron squinted through his helmet glass at the Educator. There was a little red light showing on the side. A little red light that meant the battery was flat.

  ‘In all the excitement,’ Corporal Larkspur laughed as he spoke, ‘you forgot to charge it again. I could see the red battery light as you floated out into space.

  ‘Oh,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘This is most inconvenient.’

  ‘Yes, it is.’ The corporal roared with laughter.

  ‘Perhaps if you were to wait here I might pop inside and borrow a gun with a full charge in it.’

  ‘You might.’ Corporal Larkspur clutched at his belly. ‘But I’ll just bet that I will not let you do it.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Cameron Bell once more.

  Corporal Larkspur now displayed his ray gun. Held it before him in both hands. Made as if to kiss it through his helmet. ‘This is a Mark Nine Ferris Firestorm. This pretty thing could reduce an elephant to a pile of ashes from a distance of two hundred yards. Once switched on, the electricity leaps between these two terminals atop the Mark Nine and through a system, which I am reliably informed does not involve the transperambulation of pseudo-cosmic anti-matter, then a big bad beam comes out of the snout and fries Mr Cameron Bell.’

  ‘Hm,’ went the unarmed detective. ‘Yours is charged up, I suppose.’

  ‘Why don’t we find out?’ Still shaking mirthfully, Corporal Larkspur aimed the Mark Nine Ferris Firestorm at the head of Cameron Bell, switched it on and squeezed upon the trigger.

  There was a very horrid explosion.

  And that was the end of the duel.

  44

  hastly bits and bobs of flesh bespattered Cameron Bell. The defaced detective gave the visor of his helmet a wipe with a space-gloved hand. The hull of the ship was likewise besmirched by all that now remained of Corporal Larkspur.

  Cameron Bell did feelings at himself His suit, it seemed, remained airtight, and matters had adjusted themselves to his satisfaction. He hauled upon the rope that moored him and returned to the Marie Lloyd.

  Having closed the outer door, he waited patiently while Colonel Katterfelto turned a stopcock that allowed air to re-enter the cargo hold, before opening the inner door and re-entering himself.

  ‘Damnedest duel I’ve ever seen,’ said the old soldier, carefully unscrewing Cameron’s gory helmet. ‘You fire at him and your gun doesn’t work. He fires at you and blows himself up.’

  Unzippings were done and Cameron Bell, unscathed and victorious, if somewhat sweaty, stepped from the atmospheric suit.

  ‘I would like to take a bath,’ he said. ‘And then I will join you in the saloon bar.’

  The Jovians did not look pleased to see Mr Cameron Bell. They applauded half-heartedly, but did not laugh at all.

  Mr Bell sat himself down at the colonel’s table and ac
cepted the glass of rum that was offered to him.

  ‘A bit early in the day for this,’ he said, ‘but I could certainly do with it.’

  Darwin the monkey was grinning away. The colonel told him to stop it.

  ‘Ah,’ said Mr Bell, observing the smiling simian. ‘I get the picture. You took the Jovians’ bets and had a little one with them, upon me.

  ‘He had a big bet with them,’ said the colonel. ‘Half of his wages. That big.’

  Darwin could not stop grinning. Cameron shook his hand.

  ‘Bravo, Darwin,’ he said to the monkey. ‘At least you had faith in me.

  Colonel Katterfelto tasted rum. ‘Some jiggery-pokery went on outside,’ he said. ‘Care to let us in on the secret stuff?’

  Cameron Bell found his glass now empty. Colonel Katterfelto refilled it.

  ‘I forgot to recharge my ray gun,’ he told the colonel. ‘I genuinely forgot. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I had taken certain precautionary measures, I would surely be dead.’

  ‘Certain precautionary measures?’ The colonel mulled that over.

  ‘On our first day on Venus,’ Mr Bell explained, ‘Corporal Larkspur was behaving suspiciously. I followed him into the valley. He had some kind of transmitting apparatus. Called himself Agent Larkspur. Spoke to his superior. It was Larkspur’s intention to kill us all on the journey home. Do not under any circumstances eat any more Treacle Sponge Bastard. Best hide the lot away from the Jovians.’

  ‘The absolute rotter,’ said the colonel. ‘Go on, if you will.’

  ‘I took the opportunity to search his cabin and uncovered a number of interesting items. His calling card. His atmospheric suit. When I found that, an idea entered my head. Rather than passively await my doom at his hands, I would call him out for a duel. I confess that I made certain adjustments to his air tank. I altered the “mix” of air, shall we say, and wedged open the overflow pipe so that once he turned on his air, he would be leaking oxygen.

  ‘But he exploded,’ said the colonel. ‘He didn’t suffocate.’

  ‘He had a Mark Nine Ferris Firestorm, like all the Jovian hunters. Electricity darts across the terminals prior to firing. He was leaking pure oxygen, the spark set it off, led it back to his air tank like a fuse to a stick of dynamite.’

  ‘Hmph,’ went the colonel. ‘I’ll not mention the matter again.

  ‘One or two matters do give me some cause for concern, said Cameron Bell. ‘The spaceship is returning to Earth steered by its automated pilot device. But someone who is conversant with the controls will have to land it.’

  Darwin the monkey put up his hand. ‘I will pilot the ship.’

  ‘I can do that,’ said Colonel Katterfelto. ‘Flown this lady more than once—’

  ‘With no loss of life?’

  ‘None at all. Ah, here’s Tinker. Tinker, did I or did I not fly this ship with no loss of life whatsoever?’

  ‘Well,’ said Major Thadeus Tinker. ‘No loss of life amongst those onboard. But we had knocked a few back, I recall. And you did set the ship down upon that lady in a straw hat.’

  ‘Ah. Forgot about that. But no loss of life amongst those on board. And that is the main thing.’

  ‘My mind is at rest upon that, then.’ Cameron Bell now drew the colonel close. ‘You might, however, suggest to Darwin that he “lose” some of the Jovians’ money back to them somehow. They have no trophies. They witnessed an Earth man somehow killing a supposed Jovian in rather suspicious circumstances. We need our heads on our bodies.’ Cameron Bell tapped at his nose.

  ‘Word to the wise,’ said the colonel.

  There was some unpleasantness. Corporal Larkspur had played so many roles upon board. Pilot. Barkeeper. Cook. The Jovians grumbled about who would be feeding them. Stumpy complained that if someone did not put a slim dark chocolate upon his pillow each night there was a likelihood of trouble.

  ‘Darwin and I will take care of the cooking,’ said the colonel.

  ‘What?’ went Darwin. ‘But I am rich.’

  ‘Needs must when the Devil drives, my dear fellow.’

  ‘I will gladly take on the role of barkeeper,’ volunteered Major Tinker. ‘I have skills regarding the creation of cocktails. I will keep these fellows jolly enough.’

  ‘Which leaves me,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘to clean, wash dishes, make beds and all the rest of it.’

  ‘Then that’s agreed,’ said the colonel.

  Alice appeared wearing a delightful pale blue dress with big white puffed shoulders, white knee socks and buckled shoes. ‘I found these in the ship’s stores,’ she said. ‘And they fit. Where is Corporal Larkspur? I want my breakfast. I need new sheets on my bed and my cabin sink is blocked.’

  The colonel and Darwin prepared a splendid breakfast. Cameron Bell and Alice sat together.

  ‘You look a little sad, Cameron,’ said Alice. ‘Are you not looking forward to going back to Earth?’

  ‘I do not know quite what awaits me there. The burning down of the Crystal Palace was blamed upon me, you know.’

  ‘I will speak up for you.

  ‘Ah,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Actually, that might help.’

  ‘Once I have been reunited with my darling kiwi birds.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Cameron Bell.

  The colonel had a chef’s hat on. Darwin the monkey was brewing up coffee and quite enjoying himself.

  Colonel Katterfelto spread lard over the eggs that he was frying. ‘Be home in a few days now,’ he told his hirsute companion. ‘What is the first thing you would like to do when we return to London?’

  ‘Eat a banana,’ said Darwin.

  ‘And the second?’

  ‘Another banana?’ said Darwin.

  ‘And after you are completely full of bananas?’

  ‘I might have a poo,’ said Darwin. ‘And a little sleep.’

  ‘Yes and right. But in the long term? You are an ape of means, you know. What are your long-term plans?’

  ‘I shall arrange a consultation meeting with the manager at Coutts. Have him recommend investment opportunities. Employ someone with knowledge of the stock market. I will buy property, of course. Sloane Square is coming up, I have heard. I might purchase a little pied-à-terre there.’

  Darwin glanced at the colonel. The colonel simply smiled.

  ‘And you?’ enquired the monkey. ‘You will energise your Mechanical Messiah, I suppose.

  ‘That is my intention.’ The colonel’s eyes fairly shone, for he was utterly entranced at the prospect. ‘I have the Magoniam,’ he said, ‘to draw the divine energies into Heaven’s last and best gift to Mankind.’

  ‘I wish you luck,’ said Darwin. ‘It will not affect property prices, I trust.’

  ‘Darwin, it will affect everything. The world will be put to rights, my little friend. Utopian vision. All men equal. Monkeys, too. Peace and love abounding. Things of a sublime nature generally.’

  ‘Man and monkey equal?’ mused Darwin.

  ‘The Jehovah’s Witness chaps believe it,’ said the colonel, with joy in his voice. ‘A new Heaven and a new Earth. As in the Book of Revelation.’

  ‘I liked the lamb in that,’ said Darwin. ‘Not too keen on that beast, though.’

  ‘Picture it, my friend.’ The colonel put his arm about the monkey’s shoulders. ‘No more wars, picture that. The lion will lie down with the lamb.’

  Might the monkey lie down with the Music Hall girl? wondered Darwin.

  ‘It is a very ambitious project,’ he said to his friend the colonel. ‘Certainly not something that could be achieved overnight. I hope that something happens, though. I hope that you are not disappointed.’

  ‘And we will remain companions,’ said Colonel Katterfelto. ‘Keep in touch, eh? Have dinner once in a while? At my club. Grown very fond of you, my dear fellow. In a manly father-and-son kind of fashion. Wouldn’t want us to go our separate ways for ever. Wouldn’t like that one bit.’

  Darwin looked up at the colonel and thought to
discern a tear in his eye. The colonel wiped this away.

  ‘We will always be friends,’ said Darwin, wiping away a little tear of his own.

  And so it continued and days passed by. The planet Venus became a silver dot in the sky of forever night and a blue world expanded before the ship. A blue world called Planet Earth.

  The drink was gone and so too the food when the Marie Lloyd finally fell into orbit.

  ‘All you fellows strap in,’ Colonel Katterfelto told the Jovians. ‘You might experience some slight discomfort during our decent. Bit of rattling. Shaking about. All that kind of palaver.’

  The Jovians took to strapping in. Most were laughing once more. Alice sat with Major Tinker, who was admiring her legs.

  Darwin stepped down the middle aisle between the ranks of passenger seats. He was carrying an empty food platter.

  ‘Colonel,’ said Darwin. ‘Excuse me, please.’

  ‘No time to chat now,’ said the colonel. ‘Have to pilot the spaceship down.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Darwin. ‘But this platter.’

  ‘Nice platter,’ said the colonel. ‘Suppose you can have it if I you want it.’

  ‘I don’t want it,’ said Darwin.

  ‘Then put it back. Alice will help you with your safety belt.’

  ‘This platter is empty,’ said Darwin the monkey. ‘Yes. See that. Must pilot the ship now. Sorry. ‘‘It’s the Treacle Sponge Bastard platter,’ said Darwin. ‘I left it in the Refridgetorium. The Treacle Sponge Bastard platter.’

  ‘Ah,’ said the colonel. ‘That Treacle Sponge Bastard platter. But it’s empty.’

  Darwin the monkey shook his head. Most sorrowfully he shook it.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said the colonel. And then he addressed the Jovians. ‘As a matter of interest,’ he said, ‘and no recriminations or suchlike — did any of you eat the Treacle Sponge Bastard?’

  The Jovians looked guilty. Stumpy raised his stump.