Secrets of My Heart

by Tracie Peterson

  “But if you don’t tell her the truth about why you came here in the first place, she’s going to feel betrayed. And I can’t say I would blame her,” Gabe said.

  Nancy froze in place. What was he talking about?

  Seth spoke, his voice hardly above a whisper. “I will tell her, just not yet. I don’t think she’d understand, and I want to make sure I get these guys before I try to explain my duties. My superiors made it clear that I wasn’t to tell anyone why I was here, and I’ve already violated that agreement by telling you and John. I felt I had to with John—after all, he was hiring me to work for him. I didn’t want to give pretense to that job and then just walk away once I was able to get to the bottom of Albert and Nancy’s involvement in this mess.”

  Nancy felt sick. She leaned back against the wall and tried to draw a decent breath. Seth had lied to her. He was obviously far more involved in whatever Albert and Berkshire had going on than he was telling her. Not only that, but he’d included her as part of the scheme.

  He used me and he believes me to be involved.

  The thought echoed in her head. He had used her to accomplish whatever it was he was trying to do.

  “I know my sister,” Gabe continued. “Being honest with her now will go a long way toward her forgiving you.”

  “I can’t tell her yet. I will, though. I care too much about her to perpetuate the lie any longer than necessary.”

  So he admitted he was living a lie. Nancy swallowed the lump in her throat. Well, let him live a lie. Two could play that game. She didn’t need him or anyone else. At least Gabe cared enough to try to resolve the issue, but even he thought it had been all right at some point to keep the truth from her.

  Nancy straightened and drew a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let them defeat her. She walked to the door with a smile plastered on her face. “Lunch is ready,” she declared.

  Gabe looked at her and smiled. “Good, because I’m starved.”

  “Plotting and conspiring will do that.” She turned back to the house. “I’ll see you both in the dining room. I need to let Clementine and Mrs. Weaver know.”

  Nancy could barely sit through the meal. Her brother and Seth offered high praise for the food, but she hardly heard their words. Clementine thankfully kept the conversation going with stories about one thing or another, while Mrs. Weaver had decided to remain in her room. Gabe seemed to hang on Clementine’s every word. It was obvious he had fallen hard for her. Nancy hoped there were no lies between them.

  Seth seemed content to focus on Clementine’s stories. No doubt he would do anything to keep Nancy from bringing up her desire to join him and Gabe on their search. Perhaps his guilt made him occupy himself with his sister’s adventures so he didn’t have to face Nancy with the truth. No matter. Nancy wanted only for lunch to end so she could be rid of them both.

  She wondered exactly what Seth was here to do and who had hired him to do it. She wondered if he had originally planned to arrest her. Perhaps he was a law official from back east with the power to take prisoners. She shivered but did her best to continue the pretense that all was well.

  The sadness of Seth’s betrayal was really beginning to sink in by the time they finished. Nancy excused herself to check on Mrs. Weaver, and thankfully Bedelia and Cornelia arrived at about the same time. Nancy offered to prepare them a plate, but the ladies had eaten earlier.

  “We are quite satisfied,” Bedelia said, noting the men at the table. “Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your luncheon.”

  “We did,” Seth declared. “I also want to let you know that I spoke with someone at the police station. They’re having an officer walk through the neighborhood each evening for a few weeks. Like me, they believe the thieves got what they came for, but they’re happy to send a man in order to ease your minds.”

  “That is quite reassuring,” Bedelia replied. “Though I still don’t understand what they wanted with Mr. Pritchard’s book.”

  Nancy had had enough. “My late husband was involved in hiding weapons. The book contained maps of where those weapons are to be found, and the thief knew this. He came with the sole purpose of getting it.”

  “Weapons? Whatever was Mr. Pritchard doing with weapons?”

  Seth gave Nancy a look that suggested she say nothing more, but she was angry and no longer cared what he thought. “He wanted to give them to the Indians and start a war. Apparently, there are a great many men who want to do this, and Albert was determined to assist them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if Mrs. Weaver would like anything more. I’m sure if you have further questions about the weapons, you can ask Mr. Carpenter. He seems to know all about it.”

  She put several cookies on a plate, then hurried from the room, knowing that if she didn’t, she might very well confront Seth about his lies and what he was really doing in Portland. She wanted to cry and rant at the same time. How could she have been so stupid? So blind? Why hadn’t she guarded her heart better?

  “Mrs. Weaver? I’m here for your tray,” Nancy announced after knocking on the door.

  She could hear the woman moving about and waited patiently until she slid back the bolt. Mrs. Weaver opened the door and gave Nancy a smile.

  “Lunch was delicious, Nancy dear. I was far hungrier than I anticipated.” She let Nancy in to retrieve the tray. There wasn’t as much as a crumb of food left.

  “I brought you these cookies, but I could get you something more.”

  “Oh no. This was just fine, and the cookies will finish things off nicely.” Mrs. Weaver took the plate from Nancy and put it atop her dresser. “You treat me so well. I am a most grateful tenant.”

  Nancy put aside her heartache and smiled. “And you are a gracious one as well. If you find yourself hungry later, there are more cookies and of course fresh bread and butter in the kitchen. We’ll be having roast beef for supper.”

  “That sounds wonderful. Thank you, Nancy.” Mrs. Weaver waited for Nancy to pick up the tray. “I believe I’m going to take a nap.”

  Nancy nodded and headed for the hall. She heard Mrs. Weaver close the door behind her and slide the bolt back into place. She also heard the old woman speaking in a murmur, as if reminding herself of some task she needed to do. Bedelia said the older woman often talked to herself.

  “Well, at least in speaking to herself, she knows she won’t be betrayed,” Nancy muttered.

  By the time she made her way downstairs, Seth and Gabe were ready to go. Her brother came to her first.

  “We’ll be back as soon as we can. Remember your promise to stay out of trouble.”

  “I always remember my promises.” Nancy couldn’t even bring herself to smile. “I know what’s expected of me.”

  Gabe studied her for a moment. “Are you all right?”

  Seth didn’t give her a chance to reply. “Don’t sulk. I promise you’ll get every detail once we figure out what’s out there.”

  She met his blue-eyed gaze. She wanted to call him a liar and tell him that she knew he was deceiving her but forced herself to remain silent. She felt so weary and tired that all she could think of was getting away from all of them.

  “I’m going to take a nap. Clementine, I’ll see to the dishes later.”

  “Sister and I can manage the cleanup,” Bedelia said, coming from behind Nancy. “You appear under the weather, and I believe rest would be good.”

  Nancy didn’t care what the older woman thought, but it was a good excuse. “Thank you.” She left them all staring after her. She didn’t allow herself to feel guilty or concerned about the worry in Seth’s face. Let him worry. She hoped he was eaten up with guilt.

  Once inside the sanctuary of her room, Nancy fell onto her bed and stared at the ceiling. She wondered where God was in all of this. Again, she felt as if He’d let her down.

  “I’m trying, Lord. I’m trying to understand and trust you. I’m trying, but it comes so hard when things like this keep interfering. I thought he cared.” Her voice was barel
y a whisper. “I thought he really loved me. Instead, I’m nothing more than a means to do his job.”

  She felt a heaviness settle over her. For the first time in years, she longed for her mother. Grace Armistead always offered sound advice and reason, but more than that, Nancy knew that her mother could offer spiritual comfort and insight. Not that Nancy had ever let her give it in the past.

  Nancy sighed. “I want to go home.” The words surprised her, but she didn’t deny they were exactly how she felt.

  She glanced at the clock. She knew there was a riverboat that would leave for Oregon City around four. Why not be on it? Why not go home and allow her mother to console her?

  She got up and sat for a few minutes on the edge of the bed. She would have to arrange with Bedelia to run the boardinghouse. She knew the spinster would love being put in charge. Nancy could even offer to discount her rent. That would please the penny-pincher even more. Other than that, she’d say nothing to anyone—especially not to Clementine, who would just reveal her location to Seth and Gabe.

  Nancy found Bedelia cleaning up in the kitchen while Cornelia gathered things from the table. Nancy caught the attention of the elder of the Clifton sisters and motioned her to the pantry. “I have a favor to ask.”

  Bedelia raised a brow. “Do tell.”

  “I need to leave for a few days. I was wondering if you would manage the house. I will discount your rent in return.”

  Bedelia was instantly interested. “Where are you going?”

  “I’d rather not say. I don’t want anyone to know and try to follow me.”

  “Such as Mr. Carpenter?” Bedelia asked in a knowing tone.

  “Yes. Or even my brother. I just need some time away. I will be with family, but that’s just between you and me.”

  “Of course. I will carry your secret to the grave.”

  “There’s a roast with potatoes and carrots in the oven for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s noon meal. There is freshly baked bread, we have numerous canned vegetables, and the icebox is full of milk, butter, and cream. Feel free to use whatever you need. And don’t worry about cleaning the rest of the house. I won’t be gone more than a couple of days.”

  “Very well. I will see to everything.” Bedelia looked almost sympathetic. “Is there nothing else I can do?”

  Nancy fought to keep from tearing up. “Pray. Pray God will help me understand exactly what He wants from me and what I’m supposed to do.”

  Oregon City wasn’t all that different despite eight years passing since Nancy had seen it last. She had always claimed to be too busy to travel back, and thankfully no one had died, forcing her to return for a funeral.

  She’d taken the riverboat to Oregon City, but she wasn’t sure how she would get out to the farm. It was Saturday, after all, and Uncle Lance and other family members who worked in town were probably already gone, if they’d been there at all. She thought of her great-uncle Edward’s family. They might be willing to give her a ride, or she could just rent a horse from the livery.

  She was still considering exactly what to do when she heard someone call her name.

  “Nancy? Is that you?”

  She turned and was surprised to see her cousin Faith. “What are you doing here? I thought you were attending college in Salem.”

  Faith brushed loose wisps of brown-black hair from her tanned face. “I was, but there are no classes in the summer. I came home to enjoy my time off with family. I was just in town selling some of the yarn Mother made. What are you doing here?”

  Nancy shrugged. “I’ve spent eight years avoiding this place and its people. I figured it was time to come home and make peace.”

  Faith gave her a hug. “You have always been one of my favorite people. I’m glad you’ve come and that I get you to myself first. Do you have a ride to the farm? Do they know you’re coming?”

  “No—on both counts.”

  “Good. Then we will have the ride to talk, and you can tell me all about life in Portland.”

  “I have a boardinghouse,” Nancy blurted.

  “How interesting!”

  “It’s for ladies only, and I have a rather eclectic group. Mrs. Weaver is the oldest, and she’s been a widow for about five years. Then there’s a widow whose husband died just last January. Clementine Carpenter is also boarding there.”

  “Clementine? Weren’t the two of you good friends when you were still at home?”

  “Yes, and we’re good friends again.” Nancy decided to say nothing of Seth. “Last but definitely not least are the Clifton sisters, Bedelia and Cornelia. They are spinsters and quite the pair.”

  “It sounds like you definitely intend to stay in Portland.”

  “I do. I like it there.”

  “Well, rumor has it the college is moving the medical portion to Portland next year, so perhaps I shall see more of you.”

  “I think it’s amazing they allow women to attend college, much less medical school. Will you truly be a full-fledged doctor when you graduate?”

  “That’s the plan. I’ve never minded being a midwife and healer like your mother, but having this schooling under my belt will allow me a certificate as well.”

  “Well, I hope they do move the medical school up to Portland.”

  “Maybe I could even room at your place,” Faith said, her tone animated.

  “I would like that very much.” Nancy realized that she truly meant it. It would be very enjoyable to have Faith living at the house. Faith had always had an amazing way of looking at life.

  “Then, we shall see what God has in store for us.” Faith hugged Nancy again. “Now come on. The wagon is just over there in front of Brody’s General Store. I had to pick up some things as well as deliver the yarn. They should have everything loaded by now.”

  Nancy wasn’t sure what to think. Faith Kenner was different from the rest of the family. She had a wild and adventurous spirit that Nancy had always understood. When Faith had announced that she wanted to become an educated doctor rather than follow in Nancy’s mother’s steps as an herbal healer and midwife, Nancy had thought it wonderful. The rest of the family had been less certain of Faith’s decision, and of course it was questionable what college she would attend and whether they would admit her, since she was a woman. But there was no holding back Faith Kenner. She was a woman who knew her own mind and went after what she wanted.

  Nancy climbed up onto the wagon and waited while Faith spoke to the general store clerk. Several people with familiar faces passed, but they didn’t seem to know Nancy, and she made no attempt to know them. She nodded in greeting as passersby met her glance but otherwise said nothing. Hopefully Faith would hurry and keep her from having to engage in any conversations.

  “Well, that’s that. Now we can head home,” Faith said, climbing into the driver’s seat beside Nancy. She released the brake and slapped the lines almost in one fluid motion. Once they were headed up the road for home, she turned to Nancy. “I was truly sorry to hear about your husband. Sorrier still that I couldn’t come home. I was busy with testing and other studies.”

  “I know. Your letter explained as much. Frankly, everyone could have stayed away, and I would have been just as happy.”

  Faith nodded. “I know how that can be. Sometimes a person just needs the silence.”

  “Exactly.”

  “And how is it now?” Faith asked, keeping her eyes on the road.

  Nancy looked down at the Willamette River. It seemed so much busier than she remembered. “Now I finally feel the need for a dose of home. My mother in particular.”

  “Your mother is an amazing woman, but you already know that.”

  Nancy considered her words. “I don’t think I do. At least I don’t think I allowed myself to know it. I’ve been so angry and unloving. All I ever wanted from the time I was young was to be away from all of them.”

  “Why was that?”

  Nancy shook her head. Faith was five years Nancy’s senior, but in many ways s
he was years beyond that. Faith had always seemed so mature for her age, probably because of the complications of her past. Few ever spoke about it, but Nancy knew that her cousin was the result of Hope’s captivity with the Cayuse at Whitman Mission. Hope had gone south to stay with friends of the family long before her pregnancy had started to show, and thus most people thought Faith was the daughter of Isaac and Eletta Browning and that Hope had only been there to assist Eletta. Years later, when Isaac and Eletta died, Faith had come back to Hope, and she and Lance had welcomed Faith into their family. Nancy hadn’t learned the truth until she was nearly seventeen. Faith herself had brought up the subject once when the women were canning vegetables together. Nancy had been shocked to learn her cousin was half Cayuse. With her intense blue eyes, no one would think of her as Cayuse.

  “I’m not sure I really understand it myself,” Nancy finally answered. “I’d say that I never felt as if I fit in, but saying that to you seems silly.”

  Faith laughed. “I find that only the person involved can make their life fit. I probably wouldn’t have fit had I relied on others for my comfort and assurance. Instead, I just decided that I was going to make the best of the situation and enjoy what I had.”

  Nancy envied Faith’s ability to rise above her circumstances. “You’re braver than I ever was. Smarter too.”

  “Nonsense. We all have the ability to reason and alter our choices. God gave me no more or less than He gave you.”

  “I’m still wrestling with God. Not as much as I was, but I’m still confused and not sure I’m doing it right.”

  “Doing what right?”

  Nancy shrugged. “Being a godly woman, I suppose.”

  Faith glanced at her and smiled. “It isn’t complicated, so don’t make it that way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, we decide to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, but that doesn’t mean He’s not Lord and Savior if we say no. Just like I could refuse to accept that Dobbin is a horse.” She nodded toward the old sorrel pulling the wagon. “I could say he was a dog, for instance, but that wouldn’t make him one.”