I’m by the bonfire, and I’m forced to watch Andy with Falcon. I am the third wheel here, and not like, say, on a tricycle. Nope. I’m the third wheel on a racing bike. Unnecessary and useless.
Andy laughs at something that Falcon says, and I give Asola the stink eye, even though he doesn’t notice it and most likely doesn’t care. And why should he? He gets Andy all to himself.
There are people around me talking about… something. I’m really not following the conversation since I’m too busy staring at Andy. And trying to ignore the inside jokes and stories of camping trips and sleepovers and every other fantastic activity that Andy has done with Asola over the years.
All this night has done is hammer home how monumentally stupid I’ve been in my hope that Andy could just shake off his feelings for Asola and choose me instead. Without Asola anywhere in sight, it has been easy to forget he even exists, but now when I get to watch the two of them sitting here, shoulders pressing together, laughing, joking, swapping stories, it’s becoming increasingly obvious how arrogant I’ve been in thinking that I could somehow challenge the connection between them.
I rub my fingertips over my forehead. Asola says something about being able to run faster than wasps, which is impossible to understand without knowing any background of the story, and Andy throws his head back and laughs.
I stand up so quickly that I almost lose my balance. Andy looks up and smiles. “Whoa there,” he says and places his palm on my thigh to steady me, and I almost fall again in my haste to back away from his touch. Andy looks at me questioningly, and I give him a tight smile.
“Bathroom,” I say as an explanation and hightail it out of there.
I need a second to gather myself. Otherwise I’ll probably do something idiotic like beg Andy to choose me. I walk away from the bonfire and wander around until I end up by the river. I take a seat on the ground and try to put things into perspective.
I promised Andy I’d help him with Falcon, and I’m going to. Andy has become my best friend, so I have to push my feelings aside and do what I promised—help Andy with Falcon, even if it makes my insides feel like they’ve been put through a shredder.
I drop onto the ground on my back and stare at the sky. There are a lot of stars, and for a while, I feel a tiny bit calmer.
That lasts a good fifteen minutes, and then Andy walks out of the forest and plunks down next to me.
“I was starting to think you got lost,” he says.
I try for a smile, but it ends up feeling like a grimace on my lips. I motion vaguely to the stars. “I needed a moment to myself. I’m not used to loud parties anymore, I guess.”
“You? The big, strapping hockey god?”
“Phew, finally somebody gets my title right.”
Andy pushes at my shoulder and laughs, and I feel lighter already. When Asola is nowhere in the vicinity, everything is perfect.
“You’re not having fun at the party,” Andy observes. I can feel his gaze on me, but I just stare at the stars. It’s hard enough that I have to let him go, I don’t need to see him while I do it.
“I’m just having an off night.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? We can go back home and just chill.” I glance at Andy, who looks at me with concern and sort of like he’d be willing to steal a car if I needed to get out of here right this second. Why does he have to be so perfect?
I grit my teeth and slam a lid on my feelings. Andy’s happiness is the most important thing.
“I’m fine,” I say. “Besides, you can’t leave yet. I’ve been thinking about you and Asola, and I think you should tell him how you feel. Just rip the Band-Aid off, you know?”
Andy stares at me without blinking. A small wrinkle appears between his eyebrows, but I just keep going, because if I stop I might lose what little determination I’ve gathered. “I know it feels scary, but that’s okay. You’re going to put yourself out there, so it’s normal to be nervous.”
Jesus Christ, I sound like a doctor who’s trying to talk a kid into getting his shots. I try again. “Andy, you’re great. Asola would be a real idiot not to want you. I mean, he actually is an idiot”—Andy shoves me—“but I’d be willing to bet that this is the one time he’ll use the few brain cells he has and, you know, see what’s been right in front of him the whole time.”
Andy still looks unsure, so I amp it up another notch.
“You two are perfect together.”
Somebody shoot me.
“Practically childhood sweethearts.”
I’m going to puke.
“He’s going to be happy about this.”
And I will want to die.
“It’s time, Andy,” I say firmly, and finally, he nods.
Huh.
I guess now I know what heartbreak feels like.
21
Andy
I walk through the darkness toward the bonfire that is flickering somewhere behind the trees. I feel like I’m free falling, or at least I suppose the hollow feeling inside me resembles the sensation of jumping off a cliff and hurtling rapidly toward the ground.
Social interactions have always posed some difficulties for me, but now more than ever, I feel like I’m stumped.
I had sex with Law. Even the thought of it seems unreal, and if it weren’t for that faint hickey right under my collarbone to remind me of what happened, I would probably think I made it all up in my head.
The sex itself was perfect. Every moment of it. And fucking hot, and I really want to do it again and again and again. But judging by how Law has steadily pulled away from me ever since we got out of bed the next morning, I don’t think Law is going to volunteer as tribute.
He’s been distant and serious and he keeps giving me those looks when he thinks I won’t notice. I feel like he’s pulling away from me, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Things have only gotten more complicated with the addition of Falcon into the mix. The thing is, right now, I should be sitting by that damn bonfire next to Falcon, trying to figure out how to get him alone to tell the man that I love him, and that we should shack up for real and have lots of sex and be happy forever.
It sounds like a solid plan.
In theory.
In reality, I’m dragging my feet, trying to come up with a reason to turn around and go back to Law. I can’t make sense of what I’m feeling anymore. It feels like I’m standing at a crossroads, but I’m not sure how I got here, and if it’s even really a crossroads.
The fact is that over the last few weeks, I’ve slowly started to see Law differently. What started out with Law seeming like an annoyance and a borderline stalker, turned into a genuine friendship and now… Shit! I don’t know what’s going on between us now, but I think it’s safe to say that the things I’ve done with Law and the things I feel for him have firmly jumped past the friendship zone and landed in the territory of confusion, which is exactly what I promised Law would not happen.
What makes this whole situation even worse is the fact that I’m almost a hundred percent sure Law knows about my developing feelings. He started to push me toward Falcon the moment the guy made an appearance, and now he’s given me a pep talk about how I should go and tell Falcon that I love him. Law has all but tied a ribbon around my naked body and placed me on Falcon’s doorstep, but instead of embracing the opportunity, I’m struggling to get free.
I groan and thump my forehead against the trunk of the big maple next to me. The only good it does me is leaving a scratch above my left eyebrow. I should never have started scheming in the first place. I should have continued being the sweats-wearing, awkward, nerdy sidekick. But no. I just had to ruin it by thinking I could be a hero. I could have just nursed my crush on Falcon without the added complication of ever telling him.
“What a fucking idiot,” I say out loud.
“Andy?” I nearly jump out of my skin at Falcon’s voice on my right.
“Eep!” I’m not proud of the high-pitched voice that escape
s my mouth.
“What are you doing here?” Falcon asks. Already there’s a familiar, concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong? Whose ass do I have to kick?” He looks around, ready to stand up and face the enemy. He gets that way a lot when he’s near me. I’ve never been bothered by it. It has always felt caring, but now, I can’t stop comparing Falcon with Law.
Falcon always seems to want to do all the fighting for me, whereas Law supports me while I fight. Sometimes he even pushes me toward the confrontation. The contrast between the two is so sharp, and it’s not to the benefit of Falcon. I understand why he’s like that, considering our history, but it can’t go on like this. The realization, which now feels like it’s been a long time coming, is like a puzzle piece, clicking into place.
I wonder if I would be so keenly aware of the unhealthiness of the dynamic between me and Falcon if it weren’t for Law.
“Andy?” Falcon sounds impatient. “Was somebody giving you trouble?”
“There’s no one here.” It comes out more sharply than I intend.
Falcon raises his brows. “Easy there, tiger. I was just trying to help.”
“I can handle myself.”
He frowns. “Okay.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out through my teeth. “Sorry,” I mutter.
“It’s fine.” He waves me off. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted some peace and quiet.”
“Okay. Are you coming back to the party?”
“Sure.” I nod. “I just needed a breather.”
Falcon leans his shoulder against the tree and settles in.
“You don’t have to stay because of me,” I say.
“It’s fine. We haven’t hung out at all lately. I miss you.”
My heart gives a loud thud. It’s nice to hear it. It’s nice to be missed, I guess. I don’t have a lot of people outside of my family who feel that way about me, and despite my mind being all messed up, Falcon is still one of my best friends. Has been for years.
“I’ve missed you too,” I say.
“This summer has been weird,” he says. “We haven’t really spoken at all, and it’s not like it’s the first summer we’ve lived in different places, but this one feels different.”
I nod. He’s right. We used to text and call all the time, but this year, that hasn’t happened. I’ve been busy with Law, and tutoring, and work, and I’ve only been home once, even though last year I drove back all the time, even finding excuses to stretch some of the weekends longer whenever I could.
Maybe that’s the problem? What if I’m not questioning my feelings about Falcon? What if it’s just the general weirdness of being apart for such a long time? That seems plausible, doesn’t it? Ian once dated a girl who lived in Toronto, and since neither of them wanted to move, they did the long-distance thing. Ian said that the first day they met up after spending time apart was always super weird.
That sounds like a plausible theory, to be honest. Falcon and I are in a long-distance relationship, and now we’re in the weird phase.
So I’ve got my theory, and now I just need to confirm the hypothesis. We sit in silence, and at least that’s not weird. I ponder the situation. What if I do nothing? We’d just go on as we always have. Falcon and I would be friends, and Law and I… well, I’m not sure what Law and I would be. Also friends? Somehow I don’t see the three of us all hanging out together.
The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that going back to the way things were is just not an option. Maybe I’ve failed in my quest to turn myself into a hero, but I have changed. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone so many times over the course of the summer, and all in all, I’m still alive. Sure, there have been moments of embarrassment, anxiety, and stupidity while I was trying to face my fears, but I haven’t let them drag me down. Instead, I moved on, and this summer has been one of the best in my life because, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like a pathetic loser when I look at myself. I feel… tentatively confident, which doesn’t sound like something to brag about, but for me, it’s a big improvement. So fuck what everybody else might think, I’m going to be proud of myself.
Fired up by my own thoughts, I turn toward Falcon, who’s still leaning against the tree, hands in his pockets, a dreamy smile on his face as he looks up at the clear night sky. Maybe one more step out of the comfort zone will bring even better results?
“I need to tell you something.”
“Shoot.” He straightens himself, and almost immediately starts fidgeting, hopping from one foot to the other. “Or wait a sec. My bladder is about to burst.” He moves a couple of trees over, and I can hear the distinct sound of zipper being pulled down. Then I hear piss hitting the leaves.
Okay, so it’s not exactly romantic, and it’s not going as I planned, but whatever, I’m determined now. I’ll do it. Law believes in me, and I’m not going to let him down.
Falcon moves back over to me and looks at me expectantly.
So… I’m just gonna go for it. Heart in my throat, I press my nails into the soft part of my palm.
“I love you.”
Falcon cocks his head curiously to the side and smiles. “That’s nice. Love you, too.”
Again, not exactly how I imagined this going. I thought there’d be more confusion, and I’d have to explain myself, but Falcon is smiling at me and doesn’t look that shocked by my admission.
It takes an embarrassing amount of time to realize that Falcon hasn’t gotten what I meant.
For a moment, I’m tempted to leave it at that, but then I hear Law’s voice in my head, urging me on. You can do it, Andy.
I guess it’s time for the second take. “No, what I mean is, I…” I am in love with you. The words refuse to leave my mouth. They don’t feel right. It’s like I’m juggling with the words and they refuse to align perfectly. I fumble for a second before I blurt out, “I have feelings for you.”
Falcon frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I have feelings,” I repeat. “Feelings that are not entirely friendly anymore. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have unfriendly feelings for you?” So much for my staggering confidence.
“I’m not sure anymore if you’re pissed at me or the other way around,” Falcon says slowly.
I replay what I’ve said in my mind. Yeah, I see how that might have been confusing.
“I have a crush on you.” I bite my lip as I stare at Falcon. It feels like an out-of-body experience. This moment isn’t real. Somebody else is telling those things to Falcon through my mouth because it can’t possibly be me.
Falcon doesn’t exactly look ecstatic about my revelation. At the same time, he doesn’t seem totally put off either, so I guess that’s a win?
“Andy…” He says nothing else.
I don’t know what to do with that.
“Yeah,” I say, and then we’re both just staring each other. It’s not awkward, and I’m not embarrassed or anything. As far as feelings go, I don’t seem to have anything to offer. I’m a bit indifferent about the outcome of my big revelation, which is extremely underwhelming, seeing as I’ve harbored this crush for years. It’s all very anticlimactic, to be honest.
“Right,” Falcon says. He’s all businesslike now. “Kiss me.”
I take a step back. “W-w-what?”
“Kiss me,” Falcon repeats and takes a step closer. “You have a crush on me, so let’s test it out.”
I shove my palms out in front of me. “Whoa there, buddy.”
He stops his advance and frowns. “What?”
“Nothing. Just… give me a moment.”
He stands still and waits. I take a deep breath and step closer. I can do this. Kissing is easy. I’ve had plenty of practice over the last few weeks.
It takes no time for the toes of my sneakers to bump against Falcon’s. I look up at him, startled for a moment not to encounter the bright green gaze I’ve become used to over the summer.
Falcon. Tha
t’s Falcon you’re about to kiss, and that’s what you’ve wanted for years now, Andy, I lecture myself.
I take a deep breath as if to reassure myself and then I go for it. I press my mouth to Falcon’s. For a second, nothing happens. Then, Falcon tilts his head to the side and kisses me. Objectively speaking, it’s a nice kiss. No tongue. His lips are soft and warm. He doesn’t slobber all over my face.
Falcon is a decent kisser.
And there’s something seriously wrong with me because I’m kissing the guy of my dreams, and yet I have time to critique his technique.
“This isn’t doing anything for you, is it?” Falcon asks against my lips.
I shake my head, sliding our lips against each other as my head moves from side to side.
Falcon pulls away and wipes the back of his hand over his lips. “So… was it earth shattering for you, too?” he asks drolly.
I push him, and he laughs as he stumbles back until he hits the big maple with his back.
“It was…” I say, not sure how to finish it politely.
“Gross?” Falcon offers.
“Wow,” I say, pretending to be offended. “I guess the fireworks were just on my end, then.”
Falcon laughs. “Oh please. I could practically hear you thinking while we were smashing our lips together.” He rolls his eyes. “Fireworks, my ass.”
I sit down like a deflated balloon man. “It was not what I was expecting,” I mutter. “I kept thinking, This is weird.”
Falcon drops down next to me. “Exactly. Don’t ever make me do that again.”
“I don’t think you have to worry about that.” I shoot him a strained smile. “I’m sorry.”
Falcon shrugs one shoulder. “No biggie. At least now I know what it’d feel like to kiss my own brother, so I guess thanks for the experience? I mean, as an only child, how would I have known otherwise?”
“If only all the people who think you’re so cool knew what a weirdo you actually are.”
Falcon motions toward the bonfire. “By all means, go educate the masses.”
Project Hero Page 20
