Illuminate: Upper YA Paranormal Romance

by Sarah Addison-Fox

  Merrin raised her eyebrows and waited. “It was a good memory then?”

  He stepped closer and her heart leapt into her chest at the look in his eye, and the determined set to his face. “I remembered my family. I know where they are, Merrin. And I’m going to find them.”

  The words were on her lips before she considered. “Over my dead body.”

  Chapter 5.

  Cold spilled through him, icy chills covering his skin as she stared hard at him. Her eyes flashing fire as she ground her words out. “I mean. You can’t. Tartarean is looking for you. That’s the first place he’ll send men, and you aren’t ready.”

  Tarquin infused his voice with as much pleading as his tattered pride allowed for. “I can’t just leave them. I had two brothers and a sister. I remember them. I remember them all.”

  Her chin quivered; her eyes flooded before she scowled at him. “Tarquin. Not now. You’ll only cause trouble if you go back. Even if you didn’t tell them who you are. It’s not safe, and I can’t allow it.”

  Tarquin choked on a laugh. “So, I’m trapped here then? As your prisoner? How is that better than what I was before?”

  She was silent. There was a stunned look about her flushed cheeks before he noticed her shaking hands. She was upset. He was upsetting her.

  A swirl of emotion began to build in his middle, so he softened his tone. “I won’t talk to them. I just want to see that they’re alright. Surely you can understand that?”

  She dropped her gaze, her voice small as she replied. “It will hurt so much to see them, Tarquin. So much you won’t be able to stop yourself. You’ll want to make them remember you.”

  Her head lifted as fat tears dripped down her face. “But they won’t. And all you’ll do is make them afraid and place them in danger.” She swiped away the tears and swallowed thickly. “Please don’t go. Not until you’re strong enough.”

  Emotion thrummed through him at the pain etched on her face. If he could just convince her, make her see he could handle it. If she came with him, she’d be happy and so would he.

  He frowned as Merrin placed a hand on his bare forearm. Her fingers spread warmth through him. “You can never go back. Not really.”

  As though it was second nature, he placed his hand on top of hers and curled his fingers over hers.

  I just need to make her see my way of thinking is sound.

  She inhaled sharply as he stepped a foot closer. His heart began to thud as a tingling trickled along his spine. “Don’t you ever break the rules?”

  Her eyebrows twitched as he leant down a fraction closer. “I broke them for you,” she whispered.

  The creeping sensation increased, surging through him until he was intoxicated and sluggish. His lips were a fraction away from hers when he whispered. “Then break them for me again.”

  Merrin edged a fraction closer to him, her eyelids drooping, her lips pursed. “Hmmm. If that’s what you think I should do.”

  A breeze began to curl around him, caressing him, whispering softly, familiar yet not.

  Resist.

  He blinked and removed his fingers from Merrin’s. The sensation left him immediately, replaced by horrific pain blazing over his body. A primal scream escaped, more animal than human.

  Merrin jumped back, her eyes flashing brilliance, horror etched over her face. “What did you do to me? I was powerless. I would have done anything. How could you!”

  He managed little more than a garbled apology, pain tearing through him, his eyesight growing hazier as black pulsed through his veins like a living breathing entity trying to crush the life from within.

  Her mouth open in a silent scream, Merrin stumbled backwards and crashed into the table. “Stay away from me. Your eyes—they’re—I was wrong. You are not Luminary.”

  More ragged pain tore through him at the knowledge she could see him. See what he really was.

  Memories of screams and torment clouded his mind, and another roar escaped his throat. Merrin whimpered, her horror crossing the distance as he staggered forwards, crashing into the doorframe in his stupor.

  He didn’t bother to try to speak as he plunged out the doorway and away before he could hurt her anymore.

  ***

  Merrin dropped to her knees, revulsion and fear filling her as Tarquin scrambled away from her. A sob caught from her throat at the horrible mistake she’d made.

  Tears ran down her face and dropped to the dirt beneath her. How could she have been mistaken? He’d taken the illumination. How was that even possible if he weren’t one of her kind?

  It wasn’t just that she had made a mistake, but that her guide, Onom, had led her towards him.

  That wasn’t possible. She could be wrong. She frequently was. But Onom?

  Merrin pulled herself to her feet and swiped away the angry tears. Tarquin had manipulated her, and she’d almost made a fool of herself.

  Just like Skylar had warned her he would. A flicker of annoyance overrode the fear and confusion brewing.

  But Skylar wasn’t here. He’d left her alone, and it was up to her to remedy the situation. She swiped at her eyes.

  Skylar didn’t understand. He hadn’t seen the conflict inside Tarquin. Hadn’t felt the war raging inside him. He didn’t know, and he wasn’t here to try to explain to.

  With a pang in her chest, she wished he were here. If he were, maybe her head and heart wouldn’t be raging a battle inside her. No matter how she felt. No matter the disgust, she had to prove herself worthy. There was no option.

  She’d been led to Tarquin. Just as she’d been led to her three other charges.

  Rafe, Jules and….

  Her chest constricted as she pushed away the name. Desperate to forget. Desperate to never repeat the same mistake again.

  This was about saving a new charge. This was about making sure Tarquin had a chance at life and light.

  And he’s been entrusted into my safekeeping.

  The thought spurred her out the door. She tracked him easily, his progress slow, broken branches and crushed pine needles showing the way.

  Her heart seized in her chest as she found him beside the stream. His shoulders shaking, his back to her as he ran his fingers through the water. Whatever he was, he was in pain, and probably more terrified than she was.

  The wind lifted her hair, throwing it around as she carefully stepped closer. His sobs made her heart constrict.

  “Tarquin.”

  He turned, his face a deadly shade of pale, his eyes their normal caramel, but shining with tears. He shook his head and held up a hand in warning. “Stay back! I don’t want to hurt you again.”

  She froze more from the horror etched on his face. Everything inside her wanted to reassure him, to make him see she wasn’t afraid.

  Even if I am.

  She pulled her shoulders back and forced the wobble from her voice. “You didn’t hurt me. Whatever you did, it wasn’t…all bad.”

  The admission cost her, but at the faint smile twitching at his lips, a spark lighted inside her.

  “I mean, it doesn’t seem the usual way to get a girl to kiss you, but then again I wouldn’t really know.”

  He snorted then dropped his gaze, his shoulders stooped. “But I did do something. I saw it on your face, and I felt it inside me. I wanted to see my family, and I tried to force you to come with me.”

  Merrin placed her hands on her hips and effected a pout, though her hands were still trembling. “Well, you didn’t convince me. For whatever reason, it didn’t work.”

  But it almost had…

  I guess.”

  Merrin edged a little closer, peering down at him. “You let go of me, before….we…why?”

  Confusion gathered on his face. “I heard something. Like the wind but almost like a whisper.”

  Her breath caught in her chest, hope building at the possibility. “What did it say?”

  He didn’t meet her gaze as he replied, “Resist.”

  Merrin gaped at
him before a smile bloomed on her tear-streaked face. “Oh, Tarquin. You heard. That wouldn’t be possible if you were…”

  Her voice trailed off as she struggled to say the words. He pulled himself to standing, his hands shaking almost as much hers were. “If I were what?”

  Merrin gulped. Should she tell him? What she feared most, what she’d dreaded since she’d felt something conflicted inside him?

  He took a hesitant step towards her, then seemed to think better of it. “I need to know.”

  A spark flashed in his eyes, giving her the strength to continue. “You seemed to be linked to Tartarean more strongly than most.”

  Tarquin’s eyes widened before a flash of anger crossed his face. “Then I shouldn’t be here.”

  Merrin stepped towards him without a thought. She laid her hand on his arm. “Yes, you should.”

  He stared down at her hand; a flicker of fear crossed his face. “I don’t think you should do that.”

  Her eyebrow cocked, her heart rate climbing as she placed her other hand on his. He inhaled sharply. “Whatever I am, I, it can control you if I let it. We need to be careful.”

  Her cheeks blazed as she gathered his meaning. She dropped her hands immediately, humiliation building. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

  His smile was weak. “I need to find out who I am, Merrin. But what if I hurt someone else?”

  Merrin shook off her emotion and gave him her brightest, most confident smile. “You won’t. Because I won’t let you.”

  He laughed softly, stirring something inside her that made her heart ache for what could never be between them.

  She’d die alone just like mad old Zolten in the mountains.

  Where I should probably be considering taking Tarquin.

  A frown creased her forehead as she considered. Zolten was bitter, angry and the one time she’d met him with Skylar, he’d looked inside her and told her everything she’d always feared to be true. She’d been a scared, untrained girl of fourteen, unsure of herself and her abilities. Four years had passed since then. Surely he’d have good things to say now?

  A lump formed in her throat as she remembered the words he’d spat at both her and Skylar. Skylar’s attempt to convince him to return to Evanswood had fallen on deaf ears, and her first foray into the mountain territory had been more harrowing than she’d anticipated.

  But if anyone could find the light in Tarquin and cause his memories to return, it would be Zolten.

  No matter what it cost her, she needed to face him again. It was the right thing to do.

  As she gestured back to the hut, and her charge followed, her head began to hurt with the questions hammering away.

  Can I really bear to have Zolten look inside me again? What if nothing has changed?

  ***

  Back inside the hut, Tarquin sat with a cup of warm spiced wine in his still trembling hands. Merrin poured over a map of the mountains she’d decided they should visit. Her lip caught in her teeth as she peered down at it.

  Every so often she’d take a sip of her own drink before scratching her head with a pencil she was using to draw the safest route.

  Despite his insistence they stay away from each other and respect each other’s boundaries, he was feeling something akin to loss at being so close but unable to feel the warmth that seemed to emanate from within her.

  Perhaps all Luminaries were like this? Maybe that was made them so….attractive. Warmth and light shone from inside. That was all.

  His forehead creased with a thought. He’d most certainly not developed warm and fuzzy feelings when Skylar had been around. If anything, he’d wanted to throw him out the door and keep punching him.

  So why hadn’t he been able to? Was it because the Luminary was older? Or because he was more experienced?

  His gut twisted in guilt as he recognised the real truth. Merrin was more easily influenced because she knew him—dare he think—cared for him in some small way.

  She had a vested interest in him. He was her charge, and she was somehow connected to him. That was all. Any feelings she’d had would have dissolved when he showed his true nature. When he’d lost control and nearly done something he’d regret.

  But would I have?

  Was it so wrong to want her that way? To see her as more than his tracker? More than the girl who’d shown him the light hidden in the dark for so long?

  He snarled at himself. Of course, it was wrong. She was innocent. And he was not.

  She deserved so much more than a worthless half breed like him could offer.

  For her sake, he’d smother the growing affection he was feeling and find a way to prove himself worthy of her.

  As soon as he was stronger, as soon as he had some idea of how to control the light and dark inside him, then he’d try to explain that she was the only thing keeping him from going insane.

  ***

  Merrin’s nerves increased as she packed a knapsack filled with the supplies they’d need. Her eyes flickered to Tarquin as he looked over the map she’d been drawing on. His eyes narrowed, a finger planted on the paper as he called her over.

  She dumped the bag on the floor next to the table and sidled closer so she could make out what he was looking at. “This mountain range here? I think I remember something about it. It’s dangerous, isn’t it?”

  A grin lit her lips as she gave him a quick shake of her head. “An old Luminary hermit lives in the mountains. He’s a little eccentric, and he’s scared a few people without meaning to.”

  His brow furrowed. “Scared people? How can he do that if he’s hiding in the mountains?”

  Merrin shrugged then sat at the table. “He’s one of the Old Ones.”

  At his puzzled expression, she carried on. “An old one is a Luminary who speaks light. It’s disconcerting when you don’t know what’s happening. It used to be that all Luminaries could look inside a person then speak words to illuminate the darkness inside.”

  His eyebrows rose. “What happened?”

  Merrin shook her head, pulling the memories from the scrolls she’d studied a few years back. “Each few generations, Onom changes the gift of light to whatever best suits His purposes.”

  Tarquin’s head cocked as he sent her a blank expression. “Onom?”

  A flicker of anger rose in her at everything he’d been denied. Everything that had been erased from his memories. Everything that kept him from straying from the Tartarean’s leash.

  “Onom is the Source of the Light. Everything Luminaries are is for His purpose.”

  Tarquin’s disbelief seemed to grow. Doubt lingering in his words. “So, you go where he sends you? Do what he tells you to do and save who he tells you to save? How is that not the same as the Tartarean?” A spark flashed in his eyes before he feigned indifference. “I mean, it doesn’t matter really. The light is there. That’s obvious. And I know the dark is real too. But knowing that isn’t going to help me find out everything else, is it?”

  Merrin squinted at him, annoyed by his flippancy. How could he just disregard everything he’d seen?

  “But don’t you want to find out your purpose here? Why you’ve been chosen as Luminary?

  He sighed and ran a hand over his face. An element of sorrow to his voice. “I just want to be normal. And not feel this inside me.”

  She gaped at him. “You’d rather live in ignorance, you mean? Under the thumb of the Tartarean?”

  His throat grumbled. “Are we going to talk all the way to the mountains?”

  Outrage surged within her at his tone and presumption. “Maybe I won’t take you there. Maybe I’ll just dump you at Evanswood and let the council take care of you!”

  She pulled herself to standing and pivoted on her heel. Anger flooded through her as he grabbed her arm, breaking the very rule he’d set.

  His forehead set in hard lines, his lips pressed into white as another grumble erupted from his throat. “You can’t do that. I need to remember!”

  He pulled her
closer, her heart began slamming about in her chest at the irritation on his face. Light sparkled in his eyes, warmth spreading from his fingers as his expression softened.

  “Merrin, I—I—”

  He released her, leaving her breathless from the look in his eyes. His voice was thick as he stepped away, a flush across his cheekbones. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have grabbed you. It’s confusing: I keep feeling things, remembering slivers of things that flash as quickly as they come. I can’t think straight right now.”

  Merrin nodded weakly, her heart thumping too quickly. And not for anything other than her own thoughts mirrored in the regret chasing his words.

  “It will get better,” she promised at last. “We should get moving. Maybe some exercise will help?

  His smile was wooden, but he nodded wearily. “It is normal? To feel like I know who I am one minute, then not to be able to form cohesive thoughts?”

  Merrin nodded slowly. “Completely normal. Once you reach a certain point and you can retrieve your memories at will, you’ll reach a constancy.”

  He released a slow breath, his smile more genuine as he stooped down and picked up her pack. “What else do we need?”

  Merrin smiled back, more to keep up his spirits than any real emotion. “You’ll need a coat and snow boots. Not to mention money to hire donkeys at the base of the mountains.”

  His jaw slackened before he recovered. “Did you say I’ll need? What about you?”

  Merrin snorted a laugh at the shock on his face. “I’ll explain as we travel.”

  He nodded, a wry expression on his face. “This is more Luminary stuff I don’t understand, isn’t it?”

  Merrin shrugged half-heartedly before she went looking for her warmest clothing for him. She left him looking worried, a puzzled frown on his face.

  Zolten would surely see the good inside him. And though it wasn’t what she’d usually do, it would mean she could keep him away from the Council a little longer. The thought brought a surge of guilt that she brushed aside. She would help Tarquin find his inner light.

  He was her charge and just because she was only a girl, and just because she wasn’t as experienced as the other Luminaries, didn’t mean she wasn’t capable of saving him.