Don't Let Me Go

by Megan Jeffery

  Decisions had to be made. Do I confront Amy head-on or do I wait for her to bring it up? Alternatively, do I pretend like nothing was said? I was lost and worried. The anxiety of just leaving my room was killing me inside. I knew I couldn’t just put it off. So I chanced it and walked out into the main living area.

  I jumped in shock because Amy was awake. In fact, she was more than merely awake because she stood there adding sugar to her coffee. She wasn’t hung over or anything and seemed to be functioning without much trouble. To my amazement, she was dressed very smartly and evidently ready to go out.

  “Oh, good morning honey.” I said.

  Amy then did something that I have never seen her do or ever anticipated. She glared over at me and in the coldest and most heartless tone let out “hi.”

  “Um.. everything okay Amy?” I wondered. She was being exceedingly distant towards me and I wasn’t sure why.

  “Yep, all good.” She bluntly stated.

  “Yeah…good…um…you going out then?”

  Amy sighed as if it was such a burden to answer me.

  I repeated the question.

  “I’m going to see my uncle. He’s briefing me about the job.” Amy said.

  “What time are you back?” I asked.

  Amy grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder. She looked in the mirror almost making one hundred per cent sure that she wasn’t engaging in the slightest bit of eye contact with me.

  She finally responded, “I’m not sure.”

  “No?” I asked with an intonation that implied I wanted a bit more explicitness.

  “No, I’m hanging out with friends tonight so I guess after that.” She posited.

  With that, she left. No goodbye, nothing.

  What the hell had just happened? She seemed mad at me as if I had done anything wrong. She was the one that jeopardised our friendship last night and she was the one who got wasted to the point that I had to assist her in getting home. How could she be angry at me? I was dazed and entirely confused. What was I supposed to do?

  I tried to distract myself by focusing on my writing. I spent two hours drafting a plot for a novel but my mind was beyond distracted. All I wanted was to sit Amy down and engage in a long conversation about the situation. It was at around three o’clock in the afternoon that I gave up on my work. I put my laptop away and headed for the kitchen. This was not the day for laboriously typing character traits or mapping out marketing strategies for my next mediocre piece of literature. Only one thing filled my mind, Amy.

  I attempted to remain collected and to keep functioning. Therefore, I made myself a sandwich and crawled over to the couch where I found some temporary peace by positioning myself like a tired dog in front of the TV. Hours passed and my head subconsciously counted each one as if it were some sick onerous duty. I wish I could assert that it was like in the movies where time magically flies by but this was not the case. Not in the slightest as with every minute came every second - each one seemingly longer than the one that preceded it. What a drag - an unsurmountable drag.

  Even now as I recount these events, I cannot for the life of me remember what I watched. Most likely, they were mindless reality shows and a couple of awful rom-coms. The tea I had made a few hours ago to complement my bachelor meal of a cold ham sandwich and a bag of chips was now cold. The sun was beginning to set and as a result, my anxious mind eased a little bit knowing that surely, Amy would be home soon. This was at around five o’clock. In this acknowledgment, my eyes closed during a commercial and I drifted off.

  SLAM

  I heard the front door close and I shot up like a firecracker. My hair was a mess and resembled a that of a disadvantaged homeless woman.

  “Amy?” I said with a croaky throat.

  Once my vision cleared after a few seconds, I saw Amy’s back for a split second as she rushed into her room evidently avoiding me.

  Trying to retain my balance and still stupefied from exhaustion and the inevitable post-nap headache that arose within a moment or two, I paced towards her bedroom. By this point, the door was all but closed. I was about the knock but as my fingers curled to form a fist, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What good would come from talking to her when she wanted to be left alone and was blatantly ignoring me.

  Now wasn’t the time, I thought. Cautiously, I wandered back to my spot in front of the TV and sat there. I didn’t know exactly what to expect because in a weird way, I wasn’t sure if I was being a nuisance by simply being in the apartment.

  Was Amy waiting for me to go? I just didn’t know and found myself dumbfounded. Nonetheless, I had my answer ten minutes later when Amy came back out but this time, wearing casual attire. She looked like the Amy I knew so well when we first met only now, she wasn’t a carefree spirit or even prepared to demonstrate a slither of happiness. Instead, she wore an expression of discontent and disgust.

  “Are you heading out again?” I shouted from across the room.

  Amy looked up at me as if she hadn’t previously known that I was there. Her astonishment that any sound came out of me at all was indicative of the fact that she expected me to remain completely silent. In fact, the extent of her perturbation was so great that she reacted as if the couch was the one who called out to her.

  Nevertheless, she half-heartedly answered me with another ice cold “yeah.”

  “So…where are you headed?” I inquired more.

  “I’m going out with some friends. I’m pretty sure I told you that this morning.”

  “Okay, geez you don’t have to be like that.” I replied, fuming.

  “What’s your problem?” She bit.

  “My problem?” I stood up before continuing. “Ever since Carmen’s party, you have been nothing but spiteful towards me! What the hell is the matter?”

  Amy, who was holding her bag now slammed it on the ground. “What do you think the matter is Dani?” She asked sarcastically.

  I put my arms out to shrug with an eyebrow raised.

  “The matter is that I completely humiliated myself.” She said.

  “…and that’s my fault?” I answered in an attempt to follow the logic.

  Amy was hysterical now and matched my anger. “You shot me down, Dani! You could have been understanding or polite because you know…that’s what friends do!”

  “For the love of God Amy, I basically carried your drunk ass home!”

  Amy turned away from me as if to suggest that she was heading out. After a break in speech, she looked at me again with condescending but tired eyes, “Dani, you didn’t have to react the way you did!”

  “Amy I…”

  “I don’t want to hear it Dani!” She yelled.

  I tried to explain but she slammed the door behind her as she stormed out.

  That night was cut short for me. I went straight to bed because my head didn’t know how to handle this high intensity level stress. I shut my eyes but it took me the best part of an hour to finally doze off. I was woken up briefly when I heard Amy come home at midnight. A part of me was relieved. If I’m being one hundred per cent honest, all I cared about was her safety and well being. Amy was all I really thought about night and day. I knew that she was mad at me, but I wasn’t mad at her. I just wanted things to be okay again but I knew deep within me, that we were pretty damn far from okay.

  I hate upsetting my friends but even when it had happened in the past, I did not think twice about it when things got ugly. Most of the time, one of us moved on. Yet, in that late night moment, I knew that something needed to happen here in this instance. This was Amy and I needed to fix it. I just didn’t know how.

  The following days and weeks were more or less the same. Amy and I did nothing together anymore. We lived separate lives. We ate at different times, we slept at different times, we never socialised and the sole occasion that obliged us to communicate was on the day that the rent was due. Even that was only for a few minutes. Once her job started, I saw even less of her. I felt like a bur
den and that’s what I must have been in her eyes. A big ugly mistake. To make matters even worse, I was running out of money at an alarming rate. I needed to find a way to supplement my income if I was to pay my half of the agreement. I job hunted and sent out resumes. I had little luck and every interview ended up being a failed effort. I can say with utmost sincerity that I believe I would have aced those interviews had things been fine between us. I missed Amy, I missed my best friend. I couldn’t cope like this and ever since the incident, I had lost all confidence in myself. I didn’t want to hang out with my other friends - I just wanted Amy back.

  It really hurt me when I saw Amy having fun with her other friends. People who I didn’t know always showed up at the apartment in disproportionate bursts throughout the week. One Wednesday night was especially difficult. At nine o’clock, Amy came through the door with a couple of her girl friends after presumably having had a drink or two. I was in front of the TV with my pyjamas on. One of the girls pointed at me and nudged Amy.

  “Who’s that?” She asked her.

  Amy’s response killed me. “Oh. Don’t worry about her, she won’t bother us. She’s just my roommate.”

  I cried myself to sleep that night. I had become just her roommate. Months ago, I was considered to be her best friend. We were inseparable and now I was just some lodger. Her words made me feel like some inoperable benign cyst that lingered inconveniently despite posing no immediate threat. It was aggravating and in my entire life, no description of myself has ever brought me so low. I had just about had enough. I no longer wanted to be a plague in Amy’s life. I just wanted her to be happy.

  When daylight broke on Thursday morning, I woke up especially early so I could catch Amy before she left to commence her commute to work.

  I sat on one of the stools in the kitchen and waited patiently, carefully considering the words I would use in what would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to say to someone I cared about so dearly.

  I heard the hair dryer, and after twenty or so minutes, Amy came out.

  “You’re up early.” She remarked. Although it was a very brief statement, this was the most she had spoken to me in quite some time. My ears pricked up absorbing as much of Amy’s voice as possible for a brief moment.

  “Yeah, I am” I replied with an upward inflection.

  “Hmm” she dismissed me.

  “Actually Amy, I’m up early for a reason. Do you mind taking a seat? I kind of have something important to tell you.”

  “Can it wait?” She asked, glancing at me. I knew she had time to talk to me so all she was really doing was attempting to evade the situation and more potently, attempting to ignore me.

  “No. It can’t actually.” I was firm with my insistence.

  Amy sighed but sat down in front of me, finally giving in. There was minimal eye contact and I could feel the awkwardness infect my spirit as well as my mind.

  I cleared my throat in preparation to speak with her.

  “Amy, I…don’t exactly know where to begin with this but I’m just going to come out and say it.”

  Amy sat in anticipation.

  I continued. “Things have been really bad between us and there is no point in kidding ourselves any longer. I know you don’t like me and I also know that at this point, our friendship is effectively over. I’ve made my peace with that.”

  “Hold up. What do you mean I don’t like you?” Amy disputed.

  “Well let’s face it. You snub me all the time and ever since Carmen’s party, you’ve been blanking me as if I don’t exist.” I defended.

  “You think that’s because I don’t like you? At Carmen’s, I explicitly expressed my feelings of adoration and love for you. I humiliated myself. The reason I’ve been acting the way I’ve been is because our friendship is irreparable. How can there be any rectification after what I did? It’s not because I dislike you, it’s the opposite….and because of that, it’s difficult to simply go back.”

  “Still Amy, you shouldn’t have just ignored me! We could have talked about it and it appears as though I am the only one between us who has been trying.”

  “So…what do we do now?” She asked.

  “Actually, that’s kind of where I was going with this. Since we are both in agreement that this is not working anymore, I have been doing some thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion that the best and only solution is if one of us moves out. To that end, I think that person should be me.”

  “I agree that one of us should move out but you’re in luck because due to some news I received yesterday, you can stay put.” Amy said.

  She had a rather intense look on her face.

  I was a little dazed and asked, “what are you talking about?”

  “As it turns out, my uncle has managed to get me a higher paid position all the way over in England. Full accommodation and expenses are paid for.”

  “England as is New England?” I questioned sillily in a state of shock and hoping that what I thought I knew she meant wouldn’t turn out to be true.

  Amy lowered her voice and stated, “no Dani. England in the United Kingdom. You know, the other England.”

  My heart broke. I had spent the last few weeks in a state of denial and depression thinking that the worst had happened to us but just as my heart reached rock bottom, the gates of despair opened wider enabling me to sink even further into the abyss of sadness.

  There was a pause of five seconds in which something happened which had never occurred in the entirety of our friendship. It was a short period of time whereby we both knew exactly what we were thinking. Our eyes locked. I could see tears beginning to form in Amy’s eyes. The guise that she had been putting on to reject me came down for those measly seconds and I saw her heart break too. I saw the Amy I loved and the girl who I called my best friend. She spoke no words but the one ball of liquid truth that eventually escaped her left tear duct screamed a thousand words. One of those being ‘sorry’.

  I was no better, mind you. I was holding back a river of desperation. My insides were crying ‘don’t leave’ but I knew this is what she had to do. Those broken instances of time mean everything to me. It wasn’t only intense but it was real. What we had been through in the recent weeks and months was not representative of the veritable relationship we shared. The love and compassion that once acted as the motor of our friendship had been concealed behind walls of awkwardness. We had both been focusing on that one completely horrible night while simultaneously neglecting the wonderful connection that we once shared.

  “Well…congratulations!” I exclaimed. But Amy and I both knew that this was not what I really wanted to say. The counterfeit smile that appeared on my face was a concealment for anxiety and panic.

  “Thanks. I’m going to be moving out next week.” She said.

  “That soon?”

  “Yeah. That soon.” Amy sighed. I found bittersweet solace in knowing that she was feeling just as emotional as I was.

  “Is this really what you want?” I asked.

  “I think so. I mean it’s always scary moving to a new place but I’ve done it before, right?” Amy said with uncertainty in her voice, a trembling throat and watery eyes.

  I said nothing and just looked at her. I didn’t have words to suffice.

  Amy then tried to think positively and mustered up some courage. She waved her hand in front of her face suggestive of a solid attempt to calm herself down and remain composed. “Yeah, you know what? This is going to be really good for me. I need this at this point in my life.”

  I smiled at her again, “I really hope you’ll find everything that you want. You deserve it.”

  Amy fixed her eyes upon me. As always, a million thoughts and emotions ran through my head at a speed no slower than that of light. Just peering into her eyes made the whole situation so much more arduous. It was devastating to know I’d never look into her eyes again, to never have what we once had. I internally promised myself that I would wait until I was alone to cry but I c
ould not hold the tears any longer. Resilience is a trait that I had demonstrated in times of strife or grave sadness but I had never felt like this. I broke down and almost at the exact same time, she did too. I reached my arms out to hug her and to feel her embrace. She accepted it and hugged me back.

  It had been so damn long since I felt her and was able to smell her. I felt like a puppy who had been out in the cold for days and was now finally able to return to a warm home. Because that’s what Amy had become in my eyes: a home. Someone who I could trust no matter what. A woman who had become my world and filled the fibres of my heart and soul with substance. Good grief, I had missed her like crazy! Unfortunately, the contact between us was an interim for a closure which brought with it the cruel reality that was ahead of us both.

  This was going to be much harder than I had anticipated.