They see the way you treat me, and they see me cry, they see me walk on eggshells and they see that this thing isn’t what love is.
It’s one-sided and it’s a mess.
You have sons that need to know how to love a woman.
You have a daughter that needs to know what love to seek in a partner.
So, I suck it up and I do it for the both of us, for that is what needs to be done. To keep these little humans thinking, along with the rest of the world, that we have our shit together and that this is a love story made from the pages.
When it’s far from that, it’s full of cracks and tears, nightmares and broken hearts.
I hate saying no and I never have spoken up for me. I have never said, ‘Well, no please don’t treat me that way,’ or ‘No, I don’t want to do that!’, hurting people’s feelings and altering their judgment of me has always been hard to accept. I live inside my head so much that I will always overthink, and I will always overanalyze. I will always be worried about how my actions are affecting them.
So, when I met my husband, I was with someone else and things were rough. He had a wife and I had just found out; we had broken up. My soon-to-be husband listened and picked me up told me all the right things and made me smile.
I didn’t like him like that. I was friend zoning him and he didn’t see it, he was always calling in and checking on me making sure I was ok. One night I was drunk, and he turned up, I kissed him and didn’t remember a thing about it in the morning. Fuck my life, that is just what I do, drink till I don’t even know my fucking name.
Well anyway, he started to be at my place every day and one day we slept together. I was going away to Queenstown for work, so I was like, sweet not going to see this dude again. I left and he got my number from my roommate and harassed me, then he rocked up at my place in Queenstown! Shocked? Yes, I was annoyed, yep and freaking the fuck out.
We spent 10 days together anyway and the first night I drank and we slept together again. Fuck me Miley, you always know just how to make shit insanely more fucking complicated. I felt nothing much, really there was a little spark and a bit of a ‘you’re all right’. He was super nice but fuck they all are aren’t they at the start? Then they get what they want, and their true motherfucking colors come out!
He’s older than me too and I was just at the height of fucking up my life and didn’t wanna do the settle down shit. We carried on, traveled around, I showed him around-well as much as I could, it’s totes not my town, so I was just as much a tourist as he was. He treated me good, too good, like a queen. He left and not long after asked me if I was ever thinking about coming back to his neck of the woods? I was planning on going back anyway so it kinda worked out well, as work was coming to an end; its seasonal down there, like winter snow, loads of tourists and shit.
So not really my cup of tea as I like to hate strange humans. So, I thought fuck it let’s try and see what happens. Well, long story short, got pregnant and I told myself that I loved him. I didn’t want to leave and hurt him. I didn’t want to say no, and I didn’t want to be that girl, the bitch. I didn’t wanna have my kid not have a dad, like be one of those chicks that has a kid and no baby daddy.
So, I sucked it up like a good little crazy lady and pulled my big pants on. I suffocated my feelings and what I needed and wanted out of life to save the heart of someone else, because that’s what Miley does.
She puts others first and ‘fuck her own mental health and her heart and what that fucker wants’. So, you need to look after yourself because you can’t rely on the one you love. I am older and I see my husband for who he is and look at all he has done to me over the years-he has never grown up. He has never changed. He still acts single and 25. He still thinks he can do whatever he wants and just have the family waiting for him while he's out doing whatever the fuck he wants.
I feel like I do deserve this little fling thing on the sideline, as it makes me forget just how much I have fucked up my life for the past fourteen years trying to please and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. I have royally fucked up this life that the good Lord gave me and I definitely am heading to hell for all my sins, all my fights, all my inner abuse and torment And the way I have washed my soul away, the way I fractured my own being to be someone for a person who really doesn’t fucking deserve my amazing grace. I need a fucking angel on my side not a devil on my back. He took my trust, he took my soul, my fire and my voice. So, I had more children and dove into them as a distraction for how much I have lost and how little love I have received in this quest to be what people want me to be. A flake who has no backbone and can’t fucking say no to save her life.
CHAPTER FIVE
We started talking and it was an exchange of pics, small little glimpses of each other’s surroundings and home.
Then we moved onto each other’s faces, little smiles and eyes, side profiles.
His eyes are the color of whiskey and his smile bright, his teeth a beautiful shade of white and his lips look so soft and kissable.
He has some facial hair, longish black hair curls around his strong jaw line and frames what is a beautiful sexy face.
My heart skips and jumps and stops and starts each time he sends me a snap.
He looks so serious all the time and I’m always telling him to smile.
His smile is stunning, and it gives me a tingle between my thighs each time he flashes it my way.
He says such amazing, insanely beautiful things to me all the time.
You get lost in him.
In his words.
In the dream.
In the way his voice sounds when he purrs out that You are beautiful.
You’re what he needs.
What he’s been looking for.
I see the world through different eyes now.
He made me see another version.
I feel different.
I see more.
Feel more.
Breathe more.
When I am with him, I forget anyone else exists.
I forget that the world exists.
I forget that I exist.
I wake to Good morning beautiful texts, my heart skips a beat, a smile graces my lips instantly.
I get the kids up, dressed and fed, drop them at school and Snapchat my new addiction.
Placing my phone down on the table, walking to the kitchen putting the jug on, telling the butterflies to calm the fuck down and stop flying around inside my stomach.
Before I can even take a sip of my coffee and try and drown them, my phone rings.
“Hey,” I say into the other end of the line. “Sup babe.” I get back. His deep voice, that instantly makes you wet, you fall in love with the voice alone.
Believe me I did.
It happens.
I liked him way before I even had meet him.
You see we started out as just friends sharing some snaps, cheeky little flirts and promises that I didn’t think he ever would uphold.
But he did.
Blew my mind also.
He said so many things and promised so much and he has pulled through on it all.
The first two weeks it was snaps all day, phone calls up to six times a day, he rang me all the time.
Him: I need to see you.
Him: We need to meet.
Him: I want you.
Him: I need you.
Him: Baby you’re beautiful.
Him: We can be friends with benefits.
This is what he said to me.
Along with, ‘Don’t catch feels.’
We can’t do that. Well, no we can’t but we did.
You catch feels just by someone’s voice alone.
Their actions and their desire for you.
Him: Hey baby do you wanna video call?
This is a Snapchat that I get from my new interest, my heart drops, I’m so insecure and I hate the way I look, I so am not pretty by any means.
Him: Baby you know that your beautiful righ
t.
Me: You don’t wanna see me. I’m so not what you think I am.
Putting my phone down I turn on my music and carry on folding the washing.
It’s winter and it’s cold so I need to light the fire, also I mentally run through my mind what needs to be done for the day. The little bleep of the Snapchat sound pops off, my heart drops as I slide my phone unlock and read what he has sent me now.
Brax is[1] his name and fuck me, he’s amazing.
Him: Can I call you now?
I mulled it over inside my head for a while, well seconds really but it felt like a lot longer to me. Fuck Miley, you’re in deep already so you may as well just do it.
Me: Sure babe.
I blow out a long, deep, soul quaking breath and I watch my screen waiting. Within seconds he’s calling me and his beautiful face fills up the screen of my phone.
“Hey beautiful.” He mouths to me “Hey you.” I mouth back to him. A smile broke out over his face as butterflies took flight inside my stomach.
My god this man is something else.
We chatted for over an hour, his eyes burning into mine as we talked. My heart going on a roller coaster ride as he takes me further and further to the edge of this romantic tale that truly feels like we are from the pages of an Amazon best seller romance novel.
CHAPTER SIX
Falling before I even had a grasp on what was happening. I had a secret and it burnt like a hot coal in my pocket. He put molten lava inside me, and I didn't know what to do with it. His sweet words and sinful whispers, late night phone calls filled with promises of naughty sex and stolen kisses. He filled me with butterflies, and I liked it. I wanted it all and wanted to taste him, feel him, fuck him and just breathe him in.
I want to keep this feeling.
This thrill, it’s fucking intense, keeping me on the edge-barely there but oh so fucking alive.
And Brax, well what can I say about him he was the reason I no longer sat up at night and cried, he was the reason I stayed up all night talking, losing myself in him; his voice you melted into it and lost all sense of time and space. I have never needed someone as much as I needed him, he keeps me feeling more than the dark...
He is my secret. My beautiful little secret…
You see some mistakes are beautiful and he is one of them.
Who's going to love me? Like this? Like I am now... he wants to touch me looking the way I do... he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me till I'm screaming his name... I want him to fix me because I know he is just what I need but I know that he won't always be there for me because he's just a boy...
I want him to hurt me because I live for the fucking pain.
But...
He makes me think, wish and imagine just what it would be like.
He pulls out feelings in me that I haven’t felt in so, so long. Some of these little tingles and quivers I have never felt before and fuck I’m always smiling now for real…
Like a lot.
He spent a weekend out with his mates at a party, snapchatted it and you see him in his own environment, it’s wicked to see.
Like, he’s just a normal guy and he’s real, not a fake, he’s not like the cat fishers that you see on the TV, he’s a down to earth Kiwi guy.
His voice has a gravely grit that sends shivers down your spine all the way to your toes.
His smile is so bright it lights up the dark.
I found myself waiting for Snapchats. I’m on it all the time now, watching my phone for the little Snapchat ghost icon and the little yellow light that bleeps for the notification.
I have butterflies and I am walking on air and excited for the day.
I go to bed and he’s on my mind, I wake and he’s on my mind.
He runs through my dreams and his voice lulls me into a land of make believe and what ifs and maybes.
Can I do this? Could I have a double life and carry on this little flirtatious Snapchat thing we have going on?
When he says things like this it has me thinking.
Him: You’re scary smart baby and crazy beautiful. You’re also incredibly fucking sexual and it drives me wild.
My reply is always doubting myself.
Me: Umm no, no I'm not. I'm a shy mess and not worth ya time.
His reply always sends my heart into a flutter.
Him: No babe, no you're not, you’re you and fucking stunning.
Carrying on with the night is all I could do. I'm not the girl he thinks I am. It's easy to be something that you're not, it's easy to lie and become a fake persona. I am far from this outgoing, sassy person he thinks I am.
I spent time sitting in the chair rereading all our messages, running my fingers over his words feeling them. He’s a thief, he has stolen so much from me-my sense, my morals, my guilty conscience. It’s gone, took it all and then a beep looking down, it's like he knows I'm doubting, overthinking and freaking.
Him: All I want is you lying next to me. xx
This at fucking 12am in the morning. He’s awake and thinking of me. My blood ran hot as I stared at my phone. It's me who's running through his mind and it's me who he messaged. Closing my eyes, I don't understand any of this. How did this become my happy? How did I get here?
I left him on, seeing I have no words for him right now.
I could easily fall in love with him and that scares me.
My mind was falling, and my heart wasn't far off. I needed to reign this desire in, it’s dangerous and it’s wrong but fuck me this type of wrong tasted so fucking good. Sitting on the tip of my tongue like the devil's fire and burnt into my mind like the devil was playing hopscotch over it.
CHAPTER SEVEN
My world was on fire...
And I didn't want saving because that meant I would wake up and lose the distraction that had me falling in love all over again and it wasn't with who it should have been. Brax had me falling in love with him and it was a game of sinful desires and it had me dreaming of more than stolen kisses and secret hook-ups. It had me dreaming of leaving everything and running with him and our hopes stashed in our back pockets.
I had finally met the person–my person that I should have been with all along and honestly, I didn't know what I was going to do...
Fall?
Will he catch me?
What a wicked game of Russian roulette...
I was the pawn.
The player.
I was the game.
It's like Romeo and Juliet but not beautiful however just as tragic.
Broken hearts and cries echo down the hallways of my mind.
Simple pain laced in fire sealed with a kiss.
Two men playing me.
Hiding my feelings and sitting in silence. Wanting to do nothing but drive... drive to him, look into his eyes and see if it's me dancing in his whiskey colored irises because if you look into my blue ones you will see him dancing in mine... He consumes more than just my heart. He consumes my fucking soul.
I am weak when it comes to him and he knows just how to play me. Much like the husband who knows the strings to pull, to have me bending at the knees and sucking his cock, for that is a good little wife.
Sad. Broken. Lonely. He put fear inside me that I would be nothing without him, that it’s best if I shut up and take what he gives me. Who would want you now Miley? He screams. He's turned so cold. Where did the guy who chased me all those years ago go? Where is the man who wanted to worship me? Strayed, that's where. He strayed and found love in women that weren’t me; in their eyes, their pussy’s and their beds. He's done so many things that I can't wash away from my mind or pull from the fractured pieces of my heart.
I’ve become a shadow of myself, existing, not living and I allowed him to do it to me. The father to my children broke me. I let him, I stay, and I still love him like a woman possessed.
I was so cold till I found a boy who put a fire inside and warmed me from the inside out. He virtually kissed me and took my soul, told me to tak
e a deep breath, that he was coming for me and to stay a little longer baby.
Well I'm holding on…
CHAPTER EIGHT
Diary of Miley and the unexpected attention.
Here is where I will write our snapchat story how we started talking, how it unfolded to what it is now. For real this is some crazy ass shit, we went from 0 to 100 in 0.25 seconds and my head is still spinning….
This is where he started saving our Snapchats. I never knew that you could do that. So quite a few are missing and there are gaps between messages where it doesn’t make sense but hey, they didn’t save or they were snaps, pictures with text on them and then answered in chat. It’s good though because I tend to forget shit and so did he, so when we would answer back sometimes we had forgotten what it was about.
Him: While all I want you to do is smile and I want to give you what you need. xx
There is no reply from me under it and I forgot what I had replied with–it would have been something super random LOL
He had sent me a pic and it was of his face not smiling he hardly ever smiled in snaps and always looked scary and mad. It made me laugh coz when he did smile it was beautiful, all white teeth perfect and sexy.
This is the answer I got back to my, ‘Hey, smile, you look all scary and shit.’
Him: Sorry hahahaha, I’m not meant to look scary xx
Me: No, no you’re not! Not when you’re enticing women to come meet you! LOL You’re meant to look all alluring and shit! LOL… like sexy rough with a killer smile…!
Him: Hahaha.. Yeah, we could go to the lake and chill in the sun.
My heart does some random flip, he’s a guy right? I question myself, like duh you know he is.
Me: Talking and shit.
My nerves hitting me like a tidal wave.
Him: Naw, you reckon? xx We will be making out more like it.
OMG OMG OMG I’m thirty-four and loving it.
Me: Like school kids…. with butterflies in ya tummy and shit! Ya reckon? Maybe…. or stealing sneaky glances both nervous as all hell….
Unexpected Attention Page 2
