“Don't you run baby,” I mouthed into his lips he stilled, his breath heavy, pulling from my mouth.
“Never.” Kissing the tip of my nose he pulled slowly out of me, our skin parting and a light sweet sheen glistened over us. His cheeks reddened, his hair a mess, mine would be no better.
“Damn babe you're a perfect sight laying there covered in sweat looking just fucked and all.” I watched as he pulled the condom from his semisoft cock and dropped it in the trash, he threaded his shirt back on. Stepping into his jeans and leaning down to pick me up, holding me long enough for my legs to not wobble. His lips grazed over mine as his hands gripped my bare ass.
“Mmm, see you out there you fucking stunning woman.” Walking from the room the door clicked behind him and I fall back onto the cold freezer my body welcoming the coolness.
Yep that really did just happen.
***
Padding down the hallway I can't sleep, walking past the kid's rooms they are all snoring, the spare room door is shut, and the lounge room is dark. Sleep finds the house easy tonight it just doesn't find me, tears and fear rip at me keeping me awake. I wish it was easier to say goodbye. Or I wish it was easier for him to love me the way he should. He took a vow just as much as I did, we were both there that day and promised to love beyond all else. To love and trust each other, I loved him and trusted him, and he broke[2] it.
Now I have too.
Picking a bottle of water from the fridge the moon lighting my way around the empty house; the walls are like that of my brain empty and dark. Sliding the door to the deck open, lightly I step from it and the cool air whips around me sending a small shiver through me. Sitting on the outside couch pulling my knees up to my chin resting my head on them, I let the tears flow in the dead of night, alone they fall from my eyes, no longer needing to be strong I allow myself to break.
“Don't cry my baby.” Brax voice floats down over me startling me, gasping as he wraps a blanket around me and sits down pulling me into him as he turns my head to face him, his free hand wiping my tears away from my eyes. “Let him break you baby and I will fucking kill him.” His voice holds venom. “I hate seeing tears fall down your cheeks babe.” Looking away from him and up to the moon, the stars dancing, my head falls to his shoulders.
“Well, babe get used to it coz I'm always breaking at his hands.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Falling when we promised we wouldn't catch feels is easy to say but hard to do when he makes you feel on fire.
Pulling sneaky visits and secret sexual phone calls, Snapchats and text messages became a part of my DNA. I become the queen of a double life and found myself loving it. This new me I loved, I was diving into the deep and didn’t even need to take a deep breath for he breathed for me, with me, alongside me. He loved me and I loved him. We promised, said we wouldn't but we did! All that really mattered in this fucked up love story was the simple fact that in this time, in his life he needed me just as much as I needed him.
So, the mantra we had chanted over and over fell on deaf ears, didn't it?
Secret hook-ups, no commitments, kinky fun, free to be wild- for he doesn’t know me, this was the motto, a mantra. This is what I had been chanting over and over in my head. We kept with the phone calls, the texts and the Snapchatting. It was a beautiful distraction from my everyday life. Enjoying the attention of a younger man. Insane sex, searing kisses, the flirting game seems more like insane foreplay. He’s fit as fuck and he’s fucking insane in bed, knows all the moves, my house and the walls of my mind hold so many memories of him. I get flash backs every time I go into my laundry room- all I see is him, me and our bodies. He’s everything my lonely body craves. We promised not to catch feels but fuck me my heart wants more… Now what the fuck am I supposed to do?
“Fall he says, I will catch you,” he breathes out, “let go babe I got you.” Fuck me I'm free falling, I will never forget the night that he first told me that he loved me. He was out with his mates clubbing; he seems to do this just about every weekend. He rang me, he was so drunk, it was late, and it was loud.
“Babe I miss you. I really miss you.” I heard him yell out. "You don’t, you’re drunk, we all want what we can't have when we are impaired by liquor.” I spoke into the phone looking out over the farmland sitting on the deck as the night time breeze settles around me.
“I do babe, I do, I fucking love you.”
Shaking my head, my heart stopped, and I tried hard to not cry. He doesn't love me, he loves the illusion of what we have, what we are-this intense cat and mouse game; the chase and thrill of this taboo secret.
“You don't love me,” I whisper out, the music in my ear dulls and all I hear is his heavy breathing.
“Babe, you’re fucking beautiful and I love you, I need you like now, right now.”
His heavy breathing settles in my ears matching with the ragged beat of my heart.
“You know what?” I say into silence. "You don't love me but baby I love you,” nothing, just his breathing meeting mine. “I have loved you from the moment you looked into my eyes.” I breathe out, standing and walking to the edge of the deck, wrapping my hand around the post.
"I loved you baby from the first time your lips hit mine.” His words slurred and he hiccupped into the phone, then I heard it, a woman's voice.
“Baby there you are, come back in and dance with me.” Her voice all lovey-dovey and fake. “Baby come on.” I hear her again.
"Yo babe in a minute,” he slurs. My heart breaks. “Babe, I gotta go k?" Is all I hear because I hit end call and slump down onto the wooden deck and cry.
***
Watching him train the boys, seeing how good he is with them, makes me want him to be with my kids all the time. He's so fucking amazing, you just wanna kiss his fucking face off, I mean all the time. His eyes burn into mine and make my minge twinge and I like it a lot. Sitting rolling my toes into the lush grass all I can think about are the times that he has run his hands over my skin, the way he looks at me when he's coming, the way his breath hits my skin cooling me down and his fingers teasing me. He makes it hard to function coz so much of my time and days are caught up in him.
Laying down I shield my eyes from the sun and just burn his every touch, word and breath into the map of us that lines my heart. He's all I have ever wanted, and I can't even have him without blowing the fucking life outta our worlds. The light changes behind my eyes, as does the warmth from it, rolling my arm from my eyes I see the God himself standing before me. The reason for the lack of sun and heat, he his hair tied up in a man bun with strands falling from his eyes after running with the boys, his shirt is off tucked in the waist band of his shorts. Looking around I see that it's just us, no one else.
“Everyone gone?” Pulling my body up onto my elbows as Brax lays down beside me on his stomach.
“Yup babe ages ago.”
Mmm maybe I fell asleep. Surely not though, but fuck who knows anymore, heaps of strange shit’s been happening.
“Boys are having a shower and wanna know if we can go eat after this, I said I'd ask you. I know what I wanna eat.” His eyes burn into me as I roll onto my side and just admire him.
“You know what, I lie, and I steal, I lie about where I am going to steal moments with you and I loathe my very existence for I am hurting you both. I am killing you by loving you from afar giving you all of me a few days a week and giving him half of me when I should be giving my all.”
My tone cracks as he takes in a sharp breath.
“I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me and that I wouldn’t let this take me but I need you now, I need you to function and that's not safe. It’s not okay. I need to leave coz I can't give you what you need. What you should have?”
I feel him as he leans into me his breath on the side of my neck, I can't look at him not yet.
“You said you loved me.” My voice weak
“I do.” He breathes into me.
“Then why hurt
me.” I push out giving up.
“You know what to do, you know what I want, you know how to get me. Take that ring off your finger baby and you’ll have me.” His voice broke me it was laced with need for me and hurt for what I couldn’t do just yet.
I willed my heart to calm the fuck down and the rage I felt at his words to subside.
“Make it worth it then.” I snapped at him. “Make the pain worth the fucking hurt Brax.”
Digging my nails into my palms I need to feel something other than this tearing of my heart from the walls in my chest. He doesn’t say anything, just laid next to me his thumb rubbing the outside of my thigh.
“I feel you in my bones and I don’t want you to ever leave. But this sharing you with those girls is killing me. I need to not feel but my body lies to me and my heart keeps falling.” His sharp intake of breath sends shivers through me knowing he can't handle it when I get deep, but he needs to know, for us to stand a chance.
“You are beautiful babe really beautiful,” he mouths out as his hand links through mine.
I have to open up to tell him just what is swimming inside my mind. Taking a deep breath I just let go of it all and drop the walls.
“They don’t realize that I think about you. It's nothing new though, nothing new at all, you’re always on my mind and you’re always in my bones. The thought of you sets fire to my skin, my heart hurts and my brain struggles to keep up as the air from my lungs restricts and the dizzy feeling of true love hits me. But this is a perfect mess because I can’t have you the way I want. I have to settle for late night phone calls, stolen glances and secret meetings. You carry on without me, go out and have another girl in your arms, her breath on your skin and your hands in her hair. Her hands on your body and your lips on her skin. As I sit at home staring at my phone waiting for you to message me and tell me that you love me, need me, miss me. It comes when you’re drunk, lonely and the girl is gone. You have fucked them and sent them home with the smell of you in their hair and all over their bodies. It’s when your bed’s empty and their warmth gone and are left thinking of me. While I see you in my dreams-where all is the way it should be. You don’t smell of them you smell of me… my heart hurts and the tears sting my eyes and the dread sits deep in my belly that I can never be her, be them, the ones that get to be with you out there in front of everyone and enjoy you at your best-when I get you in the dark.” Sucking in a massive lungful of air to replace the air I lost blurting that out to him. He needs to hear this. He needs to know that I need more than what he’s giving me, and I need to give him more and that it’s scaring me.
I carry on I don't even give him room to comment I have to say this to him. It's hard actually to love someone you can’t, and I was fine before he came in and chased me and fucked up my thoughts and life. I already had a man do that to me.
“A secret that you have and know that it can’t go anywhere, you have a love that is hopeless. It’s kept in the dark but when we are together it’s like nothing else in this world matters just us and the feelings, the conversations and the way you look at me like you just want to love me and only me forever. I still remember our first kiss, I still remember the first time your hands touched my skin and grazed along my cheek, the first time you looked into my eyes and told me I was beautiful. Even now after months of running inside each other’s dreams, I still get butterflies and I still get nervous each and every time we talk and see each other.”
Tripping over my words as his fingers clench into my skin sending a wave of pain to dance over my body.
“I will never forget the moment I realized that I was in love with you. My fate was sealed, whiskey colored eyes haunt my blue and it's your voice that sends quivers down my spine. I only wish that we could be more than what we are, but you see we can’t. You’re twenty-six and you have a life, you don't want a ready-made family. You don't desire the crazy that comes with me.”
“Fucken hell Miley that's some deep as shit. I have no words to say to that.” I feel him shift and I sense the inner battle of the boy wanting to run from this all, from me and my shit.
“Well, Brax am I in love with a stranger or am I in love with the fantasy that is this stranger? Because before I could even blink and know what I was doing I had fallen and I was in so deep we have said things and done things that we couldn’t come back from. This could and most probably will blow up in our faces but neither have turned back, neither of us said no. We have carried it on.”
“Hey, look at me.” His fingers grab my chin lightly turning my head towards him.
“It’s your eyes I need to look into to pull me out of my brain. To make me see that all you say is true, that you don't need what you know deep down you desire-the house, the family and your own kids.”
“Babe it’s okay honest don’t do this. You know I love you and all of you, all I need is this I don’t need any more.”
“Yes, yes you do! It’s the truth you know this.”
“Well, baby at this moment right now it's only you that I want. That is more than enough.”
His weight shifts and his lips skim so lightly over mine, as my eyes flutter open the sky is a beautiful dusty pink and his whiskey eyes seek out mine. Watching as I look side to side blinking not meeting his gaze and not caring who sees him hovering over my body.
“Look at me and see that it's just you and you only that lives in my eyes babe.” My heart melts, it does, but it’s all words at the end of the day, just words.
“I'm so much older than you and I know that these words are just that Brax, words.” His hands cup each side of my cheeks pulling my eyes to meet his intoxicating stare. “It's you Miley, you're the one I want, no one else but I'm not playing this insecure game.”
With that being said and shock washing over me, my cheeks blushed hot as the words sat heavy between us.
“I fucking want you, I'm better than him and you know this.” He stands and walks away from me, pulling my body up I watch as he reaches the boys. Pulling my son in for a hug, he mouths something to him and I watch the smile fade from his beautiful face crushing my heart.
***
Seven days have gone by and I haven't heard from him and I haven't even tried to reach out. I can't, I don’t know what to do. My bestie is no help she's away in LaLa Land with her own Dr McDreamy and I'm here lost alone. Husband is off outta town on work and that leaves just me and the kids and all these thoughts.
I don't even think I wanna talk to him after the barrage of snaps that I received from him with all these girls out over the last weekend. It fucking hurts and it shouldn't. He is a secret, he's taboo this is forbidden, I think that is why it tastes so fucking good but cuts so deep. He’s not mine to have. He’s not mine to be jealous over and really, he’s just a boy living his life.
But that doesn't change much when all my damn thoughts are consumed by him. It hurt watching him walk away that day at rugby, it cut me deeper than I expected. I had a lapse in my judgement and I needed reassurance that this was worth all the pain and sad songs. But I guess when you're as unsure as I am, it gets a bit much and he had had enough of trying to make me see that it's me he wants. But then I get snaps like the ones he sent me, the girls all over him, the ones falling into his lap arms wrapped around his neck, the video of a chick grinding her ass into his crutch as he slapped her ass spinning her around, her lips crashed into his and he kissed her just the same way he kisses me- his hand laced at the base of her neck and her hands holding him in place.
That fucking hurt, that right there had me just about ripping my heart from my chest as the pain was too much to bear. I was a fucking mess, after that I wasn't ready for the pain that came with that small glimpse into what it's like when I'm not on his mind.
I'm lonely, so fucking lonely and I just wish time would take me back to the night at rugby, where I just kissed him back and went to dinner with him and the boys, instead of living inside my head so much overthinking, overanalyzing and overreacting. He would be he
re right now, with me in his arms sitting in the dark watching the stars dance in the sky above.
I’m missing him.
Yep, I sure am and my thoughts are fucking insane.
Diary entry 101 draft text message to send or not to send?...
I’ve been alone with you inside my mind for so many days now…
I have just been replaying the convos, and rereading the messages…
The gritty sound of your voice gives me goosebumps, I have to clench my thighs each time I hear you laugh….
And in my dreams, I have kissed your lips a thousand times…
I sometimes see what my past would look like if I had you in it first...
Hello baby is it me you’ve been looking for...
Or am I just another notch in your bed post? Being eight years younger than I….
Am I just a quest? Or is this real? The way you speak and the look in your eyes…
Do you see it in my eyes? Do you see it in my smile? That you are all I have ever wanted, all I have ever dreamed of and more but never thought I deserved...?
I always wonder where you are and what you're doing, my mind travels to the thought-are you also thinking of me...? You say I’m all you want and how much you need me. … But is that really real? Do you need me as much as you have made me need you...?
It’s been you I have been looking for, I feel it in my soul. You’re in my bones, seeped into the DNA and fiber that surrounds my cold heart. You made this body alive with a desire dancing though it way before I even saw you in the flesh, you made me believe in fairy-tales and make believe. I found myself waiting, needing, feeling and hanging out for you, your contact, your voice, the messages and the Snapchats… I ran to be with you, I lied to sneak out.. I fell into your arms without a doubt, a care, a worry or a qualm. You stole all of me and you made me want to run away with you. I wanted to be with you, all of you, all the time, you made me feel beautiful and not in the dark. You saw me in the light and you still wanted me, all of me.
Unexpected Attention Page 7
