by Ellis Marie
I blame the weed.
“Actually, Elle was just wondering if you were okay.” Rochelle smiles, the glint in her eyes clear. “That was quite a fall you had there.”
A smirk makes its way onto his lips as he looks at me with one eyebrow raised, waiting for me to speak.
I feel the blush take over my cheeks, and I shoot a glare at the giggling girls who choose now to turn their back to me and have a discussion of their own, leaving me to talk to Trent. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I awkwardly glance at the people listening in to us.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Trent asks, looking over at the glimmering water. “You’ve been sitting all night, and I don’t want your legs to go numb.”
I know it’s a joke but my legs feel a little wobbly, so I nod and stand up slowly, trying not to move too quickly in case I fall.
I could end up in the fire.
I step over the log and take Trent’s extended hand, which guides me. I ignore the grins of the girls below us and the tingles in my hand that make my whole body ignite in response.
As soon as I’m steady, he lets go of my hand and starts to walk, waiting for me to join him. I follow him, eager to see more of the area.
And maybe to get some alone time with Trent.
***
“I’m serious!” Trent exclaims while my body shakes in laughter. “I genuinely thought cotton candy grew in fields until I was about twelve.”
For the past twenty minutes, we have been sitting by the water while chatting about totally meaningless things. It’s such a peaceful night that I’m content to just sit and look at the stunning area around us. Trent points out the huge trees at one side of the water and tells a story from his childhood about a rope swing snapping.
After that, the topic of food gets brought up quickly, by a stoned me of course. That’s when Trent reveals one of the most embarrassing things about himself.
“Cole told me that when we were about five and no one ever corrected me.” He pouts but it quickly changes into a grin as I giggle. “My brother was the only person to correct me eventually when he’d gotten a couple years out of the joke.”
It’s nice just sitting here. I have never felt more at peace with myself, but maybe that’s just the weed.
I could picture a young Trent, imagining a field of pink and blue like something out of a fairy-tale while his young mind fantasises about the sweetness of it all. What a dreamland that would be.
Our laughter dies down. As it does, my body shakes and I subconsciously rub my arms, trying to heat them up as I look up at the starry sky above us.
“Are you cold?” Trent asks, his eyes wide in alarm. I nod but shrug softly.
“It’s fine, I just didn’t take a jacket,” I explain, continuing to heat up my arms. “It’s not that bad.”
Trent mumbles something under his breath that I can’t make out, and I look away from him, feeling as though I’ve done something wrong. Matt always told me off whenever I got cold. Apparently, although he often was the one to pick my outfits, it was my fault and I needed to stop whining.
Something folds over my shoulder, and I jump at the contact with my heart racing in my chest and my eyes squeezed shut. I suppose it’s a reflex by now.
When there’s only silence, I slowly open my eyes while blinking in the darkness. I look down and realise that Trent’s leather jacket is now on my shoulders, covering my body in a layer of warmth.
Oh.
I look at him with wide eyes and he stares back at me, his gaze questioning. I know he noticed the way I flinched at his touch. His body is still leaning towards mine; his face is only a foot away from my own. It takes everything in me to look away from his concerned stare. If I looked any longer, who knows what would pour out of my mouth.
“So you have a brother?” I ask, clearing my throat. It seems to snap him out of the thoughts he’s enthralled in. His face doesn’t morph into a happy expression like I predict. Instead, a melancholy look appears, and he turns away from me, looking out at the view.
“I did,” he mumbles quietly. I feel my breath catch in my throat at his saddened tone, my inner voice screaming at me for being so stupid.
“Oh,” I whisper, not knowing what to say. “What happened?”
There’s a moment of stillness; only the sound of the water rocking gently to shore. “He died a few years ago.”
For the first time since I’ve met him, I can see underneath the armour he wears around everyone else. Whether it’s because of the way his eyes cast downward or his spine seems to sag, I reach out and place my hand over his as I softly squeeze his much larger one.
As he turns to look at me, I quickly look out at the water, not knowing if I can handle his tortured gaze at the moment. He has just shared so much with me, and I feel like I could share with him too.
“My mom left when I was a baby,” I whisper after a moment. “I don’t remember anything about her, except I have this image of her staring down at me. She’s smiling as if I am the most beautiful thing in the world. Maybe it’s a figment of my imagination but I like to think it’s real.”
Out the corner of my eye, I can see his expression change as he mulls over my confession. I don’t really ever speak about my mom. The only people who know what happened are Kristie, Matt, and Cameron, but for some reason, I felt like I could tell Trent anything and he wouldn’t share a word of it.
He turns his hand over and takes a hold of mine with our fingers intertwining, urging me to keep going as if he knows I’m not finished.
“My grandmother was the one to raise me,” I continue, pushing down the tears that are threatening to pool in my eyes. “She was the best; she used to make the most delicious pumpkin pie you had ever tasted. She refused to make it with anything other than fresh pumpkin, so she used to have to make batches of it when they were in season to last us the year.”
I clear my throat and pull my knees up to my chest, softly resting my arm and chin on them as I feel tears falling gently down my skin. My mind plays through the memories of her smiling face when she was trying to be stern with me for eating all the pie but couldn’t manage.
“She died when I was nine. I know what it’s like to lose someone. And I’m sorry you lost your brother. Losing family is losing a part of yourself.”
He doesn’t respond. After a minute of it, I turn and glance at Trent, wondering why he isn’t saying anything. When I see the way his eyes are watching me fiercely and their glow in the minimal light around us, something inside me stops buzzing. As if the constant pain I have felt for the last eight years is finally subsiding a little, letting me have just a moment’s peace from the heartache it brought.
Slowly, as if he is afraid to scare me off, he raises his hand and touches my cheek; the rough calloused texture of it contrasts with my soft skin. He carefully wipes the tear that’s fallen, his eyes roaming over my features as though he’s worried I’ll disappear. I notice a light shadow on the lower part of his face, a short stubble roughing up his godlike features.
“You are so strong,” he states gently, and I stop breathing. “You deserve the world. I’m sorry you’ve been so alone.”
I could blame the marijuana. I could say it’s because I’m thinking about my grandmother. Or maybe I could admit that, for the first time in my life, I feel like someone finally understands me, someone finally sees me for me, and it makes everything come rushing out.
I fall into Trent’s awaiting arms, connecting my body with his in a split second. He wraps around me as if he’s waiting for it to happen.
My body shakes as I sob, curling my fingers into the material of his shirt as I blubber with my chest heaving.
“It’s okay,” he soothes in my ear, his deep voice sounding so soft I almost don’t believe it’s him talking. He rubs my back comfortingly, trailing his fingers up through my hair to calm me. “I’ve got you.”
All my pain seems to rush out of me in the form of tears as I let him comfort me, finally
releasing the hidden sadness I hadn’t shown anyone in my entire life. It begins to make me feel light-headed but I can’t stop; it’s like my heart is slowly being scattered into a million pieces.
I don’t know how long I stay in the crook of his neck with my body cocooned in his warm embrace, but eventually, my cries stop. I become aware of the rich smell invading my senses—the smell of leather and pine and burning wood. I know it’s going to be my favourite thing from now on.
Carefully, I pull back from him and cringe when I see the damp spot on his top. I quickly wipe my face, not wanting him to see the snot trailing to the top of my lip. I can’t look into his eyes; I’m scared to see pity there.
“Sorry,” I mumble, sniffing. “I don’t know what came over me.”
He chuckles, returning his hand to its place on my back as he rubs it slowly. The sides of our bodies press together a little and I guiltily accept the comfort it brings.
“You don’t have to apologise,” he says. “You never have to apologise for being open with me.”
I look at him in surprise, my eyes wide at his statement.
How did he know what I was feeling? How did he think of the perfect thing to say when I needed it most?
Our eyes meet, and I feel as though the world pauses, letting us have a moment of just us two. For a few seconds, I don’t care about who I am, or what I’m meant to be doing. I don’t think about my responsibilities or the way I’m supposed to behave. For the first time in my life, I feel like myself.
“Your eyes are amazing,” I murmur, feeling my body heat up because of the man in front of me. His features put me in a trance. “I could stare at them all day.”
His lips flicker into a smile and a light blush makes its way on to his cheeks. I gasp, my hand flying up to the side of his face as I move onto my knees while touching the slightly red skin.
“You’re blushing!” I exclaim with a giggle, moving in closer to see it better. My mind is in awe at the adorable feature. “You’re so cute.”
“Stop it,” he guffaws, pretending to try and push my fingers off him but I continue to prod his cheeks, grinning.
“Trent Night is blushing!” I squeal. He laughs at the excitement in my voice, his hands flying to my waist as if to push me away. Instead, he pulls me in closer and both of us freeze. Our faces are a breath apart as the smiles slip from our mouths.
I gulp loudly as I remind myself to breathe. My sights flicker from his eyes to his soft pink lips, and I see him doing the same to me, both of us not making a move. I just noticed that the small individual freckles scattered lightly over his nose and the tiny scar above his left eyebrow that I can only see from this close.
There are so many tiny details to him that I have never seen until tonight. His eyes shine like glowing embers as his fingers dig into my side a little, pulling me slightly closer. My hands come up to rest on his chest. Underneath my palm, I can feel his thumping heartbeat vibrating through me, and my own joins in time, like they’re singing out to each other.
Slowly, I feel myself leaning in towards him. My body seems to have a mind of its own as my eyes flutter shut and my lips part slightly, awaiting his to meet them, craving them.
“Elle . . .” He cups my jaw, his touch tender, but then, instead of pulling me closer like I want, he halts my movements, even going so far as to push me away an inch.
I blink my eyes open, and I’m greeted with an expression of pain as if it’s hurting him to sit and look at me.
“I can’t kiss you.”
Reality hits. My stomach drops as his words ring in my ears. Suddenly, I remember where I am and I want to scream. I’m now aware of how heavy his jacket is on my shoulders and how close my lips are to his. My mind spirals out of control, my eyes widening in shock as I realise what I’ve almost done.
I’m such an idiot.
I gasp and yank myself away from him, stumbling to my feet. He quickly begins to stand, his hands reaching out as if to stop me.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, clawing his jacket off me. I throw it at his rising figure, my feet already retreating. “I’m so sorry.”
“Elle, wait—”
I feel as though I’m going to puke as I stumble away from him, my head dizzy with the realisation.
I almost kissed Trent.
With legs like jello, I make my way towards Kristie. My tears are already pouring down my face before I’m even halfway to her, my chest feeling as though it’s going to explode with pain.
I almost cheated on Matt.
Kristie sees my expression before I even reach the campfire and her laughter is cut off as she stands up and moves towards me, jumping over the log in front of her, alarmed.
“Elle, are you okay?” she asks, taking in my appearance. She checks for any sign of damage. “What happened?”
“We need to go.” I can’t get any words to come out of my mouth apart from those four, and although she still looks confused, she nods quickly as she pulls me into a hug.
“We’ll go right now, okay? I just need to find us a way to get home.”
I nod, relieved at her words.
What am I doing? Who do I think I am, acting like this?
The relief doesn’t last long as I feel a figure coming towards us. Without turning around, I know who it is, my body betraying my mind. It urges me to turn around and go back to him, but my pride stops me. I have already embarrassed myself once.
“Elle, please wait,” he begs. He wraps his fingers around my wrist, my arm tingling as he does. I quickly yank it away from him, refusing to look at him.
I’m so mortified.
“It’s fine, Trent,” I whisper. I see Kristie’s eyes glance between the two of us with confusion clear on her face. “I need to go.”
Cole appears beside Kristie with a smile on his face as he goes to talk, but when he sees my expression, his body straightens up and alarm passes over his features.
“Is everything okay?”
I feel my chin wobble at his caring tone. Kristie must notice it, too, because she reaches out and takes my hand. Her body steps in front of mine as she looks at him as though protecting me from an interrogation.
“We’re going to leave,” she tells him firmly. “It’s late and my mom will be worried.”
I don’t deserve her.
Cole looks between us and the figure still standing to the side of me and understanding seems to cross his features. Is it that obvious that I’ve made a fool of myself?
“Do you want me to drive you?” he asks helpfully. “I haven’t drunk anything.”
“That would be—”
“I’ll drive them,” a deep voice growls and my heart slams to a halt.
Kristie looks at me questioningly. I send her a pleading look, praying that she understands what I’m trying to tell her. I must have the best friend in the world because she squeezes my hand again and turns with a smile.
“Cole, we’d love a lift.”
For a hesitant second, Cole looks worried. He seems to almost want to take back his offer as he watches Trent, but then, he smiles and begins to push us away, not waiting a moment longer to get moving.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says to the unmoving person whose eyes I can still feel watching me, making my skin prick.
I lead the way, not looking back once as I make my way to Trent’s car, my eyes unwavering and my senses not even registering the pain in my feet as I walk barefoot across the stones. My whole body feels numb.
I don’t know how long it takes me to get to the car. My mind is so wrapped up in itself that I don’t register where I really am until I’m seated in the car, buckled in. When the door slams shut behind me, I risk a glance out the window and immediately regret doing so.
Even from so far away, I can still feel his gaze on me, and if anything, the distance only makes it worse. At least if I was close, I would be able to fool my body into thinking things are okay but sitting alone in the back of the car, I feel as though I’m on a dif
ferent planet from everyone else.
It’s cold here.
The engine starts up and we slowly pull away from the scene, the tires scraping against the rocks underneath. It’s almost as if they’re providing a soundtrack to the crushing of my heart.
What have I done?
Suddenly, the sky doesn’t feel bright, and I don’t welcome the breeze. I crave the warmth that his body provides me and the golden hue of his eyes staring at me, accepting me for who I am, but that’s not going to happen.
As we drive away, I pull my gaze from the window, not wanting to watch the singular silhouette fade away into the darkness. I let the tears finally pour from my eyes, my pain finally being set free. I cry the entire drive, not once do I look up from my lap and not once do my tears stop.
It’s like I’ve opened a floodgate that refuses to close.
The feeling is somewhat new to me; usually, I could control my breakdowns. I could halt them to keep up a façade or put them on pause until I was alone but not tonight. Tonight, my emotions have control of me, and so I let them be free, running down my cheeks and splattering on to my legs.
Cole and Kristie whisper to each other the entire time. Their worried glances are continuously being thrown at me from the front, but they don’t once ask what’s wrong and I’m grateful. How am I meant to explain that I feel heartbroken at being rejected by someone who isn’t my boyfriend? What kind of person does that make me?
The drive seems to go on for eternity; the entire time a feeling tugging on my heart, begging me to go back to the boy I left behind, but I can’t. He has been the strong one, the one to know that it’s a bad decision to make and stopped me from ruining everything. I should be grateful that he did.
When we pull up to Kristie’s, I silently get out the car. My bare feet hit the tarmac as my heels dangle from my hands, knocking together gently.
I think Cole says goodnight to me although I’m not one hundred per cent sure because everything around me sounds like it’s underwater, my ears not registering full words or sentences.
