The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VI. (of X.)

by Rick Raphael

  I retorted by laying the diamond locket before him.

  "My dear fellow," I said, as he gazed at it transfixed, "don't let us goon like a pair of fools. Eleanor charged me to give you this, and begyou to return."

  I don't believe he heard me at all. That flashing trinket was far moreeloquent than any words of mine. He laid his head in his hands besideit, and his whole body trembled with emotion. He trembled and trembled,till finally I got tired of waiting. I poked him in the back, andreminded him that my car was waiting down stairs. He rose with astrange, bewildered air, and submitted like a child to be led into thestreet. He had the locket clenched in his hand, and every now and thenhe would glance at it as though unable to believe his eyes. I shut himinto the tonneau, and took a seat beside my chauffeur.

  "Let her out, James," I said.

  James let her out with a vengeance. There was a sunny-haired housemaidat the Van Coorts' ... and it was a crack, new, four-cylinder car with adirect drive on the top speed. Off we went like the wind, jouncing poorJones around the tonneau like a pea in a pill-box. But he didn't care.Was he not seraphically whizzing through space, obeying the diamondtelegram of love? In the gentle whizzle and bang of the wholeperformance he even ventured to raise his voice in song, and I couldoverhear him behind me, adding a lyrical finish to the hum of themachinery. It was a walloping run, and we only throttled down on theoutskirts of Morristown. You see I had to coach him about that Japanesewar business, or else there might be trouble! So I leaned over the backseat and gently broke it to him. I thought I had managed it rather well.I felt sure he could understand, I said, the absolute need of alittle--embellishing and--

  "Let me out," he said.

  I feverishly went on explaining.

  "If you don't let me out I'll climb out," he said, and began to make asgood as his word over the tonneau.

  Of course, there was nothing for it but to stop the car.

  Jones deliberately descended and headed for New York.

  I ran after him, while the chauffeur turned the car round and slowlyfollowed us both. It was a queer procession. First Jones, then I, thenthe car.

  Finally I overtook him.

  "Jones," I panted. "Jones."

  He muttered something about Ananias, and speeded up.

  "But it was an awfully tight place," I pleaded. "Something had to bedone; you must make allowances; it was the first thing that came intomy head--and you must admit that it worked, Jones. Didn't she send youthe locket? Didn't she--?"

  "What a prancing, show-off, matinee fool you've made me look!" he burstout. "I have an old mother to support. I have an increasing practice. Ihave already attracted some little attention in my chosen field--eye,ear and throat. A nice figure I'd cut, traipsing around the battlefieldsin a kimono, and looking for a kindly bullet to lay me low. If I wereever tempted by such a thing--which God forbid--wouldn't I prefer tospread bacilli on buttered toast?"

  "I never thought of that," I said humbly.

  "I have known retail liars," he went on. "But I guess you are the onlywholesaler in the business. When other people are content with ones andtwos, you get them out in grosses, packed for export!"

  He went on slamming me like this for miles. Anybody else would havegiven him up as hopeless. I don't want to praise myself, but if I haveone good quality it's staying power. I pleaded and argued, andexpostulated and explained, with the determination of a man whose backis to the wall. I wasn't going to lose Freddy so long as there wasbreath in my body. However, it wasn't the least good in the world. Joneswas as impervious as sole-leather, and as unshaken as a marble pillar.

  Then I played my last card.

  I told him the truth! Not the _whole_ truth, of course, but within tenper cent. of it. About Freddy, you know, and how she was determined notto marry before her elder sister, and how Eleanor's only preferenceseemed to be for him, and how with such a slender clue to work on I hadengineered everything up to this point.

  "If I have seemed to you intolerably prying and officious," I said,"well, at any rate, Jones, there's my excuse. It rests with you to giveme Freddy or take her from me. Turn back, and you'll make me thehappiest man alive; go forward, and--and--"

  I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

  His tread lost some of its elasticity. He was short-circuiting inside.Positively he began to look sort of sympathetic and human.

  "Westoby," he said at last, in a voice almost of awe, "when they get upanother world's fair you must have a building to yourself. You'recolossal, that's what you are!"

  "I'm only in love," I said.

  "Well, that's the love that moves mountains," he said. "If anybody hadtold me that I should...." He stopped irresolutely on the word.

  "Oh, to think I have to stand for all that rot!" he bleated.

  I was too wise to say a word. I simply motioned James to switch the cararound and back up. I shooed Jones into the tonneau and turned the knobon him. He snuggled back in the cushions, and smiled--yes smiled--with abeautiful, blue-eyed, far-away, indulgent expression that warmed me likespring sunshine. Not that I felt absolutely safe even yet--of course Icouldn't--but still--

  We ran into Freddy and Eleanor at the lodge gates. I had alreadytelephoned the former to expect us, so as to have everything fall outnaturally when the time came. We stopped the car, and descended--Jonesand I--and he walked straight off with Eleanor, while I side-steppedwith Freddy.

  She and I were almost too excited to talk. It was now or never, youknow, and there was an awfully solemn look about both their backs thatwas either reassuring or alarming--we couldn't decide quite which.Freddy and I simply held our breath and waited.

  Finally, after an age, Jones and Eleanor turned, still close in talk,still solemn and enigmatical, and drew toward us very slowly anddeliberately. When they had got quite close, and the tension was at thebreaking point, Eleanor suddenly made a little rush, and, with a loudsob, threw her arms round Freddy's neck.

  Jones fidgeted nervously about, and seemed to quail under my questioningeyes. It was impossible to tell whether things had gone right or not. Iwaited for him to speak.... I saw words forming themselves hesitatinglyon his lips ... he bent toward me quite confidentially....

  "Say, old man," he whispered, "is there any place around here where afellow can buy an engagement ring?"

  THE BEAR STORY

  THAT ALEX "IST MAKED UP HIS-OWN-SE'F"

  BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY

  W'y, wunst they wuz a Little Boy went out In the woods to shoot a Bear. So, he went out 'Way in the grea'-big woods--he did.--An' he Wuz goin' along--an' goin' along, you know, An' purty soon he heerd somepin' go "_Wooh_!"-- Ist thataway--"_Woo-ooh!_" An' he wuz _skeered_, He wuz. An' so he runned an' clumbed a tree-- A grea'-big tree, he did,--a _sicka-more_ tree. An' nen he heerd it ag'in: an' he looked round, An' _'t'uz a Bear_!--_a grea'-big shore-nuff Bear!_-- No: 't'uz _two_ Bears, it wuz--two grea'-big Bears-- _One_ of 'em wuz--ist _one's_ a _grea'-big_ Bear.-- But they ist _boff_ went "_Wooh_!"--An' here _they_ come To climb the tree an' git the Little Boy An' eat him up!

  An' nen the Little Boy He 'uz skeered worse'n ever! An' here come The grea'-big Bear a-climbin' th' tree to git The Little Boy an' eat him up--Oh, _no_!-- It 'uzn't the _Big_ Bear 'at dumb the tree-- It 'uz the _Little_ Bear. So here _he_ come Climbin' the tree--an' climbin' the tree! Nen when He git wite _clos't_ to the Little Boy, w'y nen The Little Boy he ist pulled up his gun An' _shot_ the Bear, he did, an' killed him dead! An' nen the Bear he falled clean on down out The tree--away clean to the ground, he did-- _Spling-splung!_ he falled _plum_ down, an' killed him, too! An' lit wite side o' where the _Big_ Bear's at.

  An' nen the Big Bear's awful mad, you bet!-- 'Cause--'cause the Little Boy he shot his gun An' killed the _Little_ Bear.--'Cause the _Big_ Bear He--he 'uz the Little Bear's Papa.--An' so here _He_ come to climb the big old tree an' git The Little Boy an' eat him up! An
' when The Little Boy he saw the _grea'-big Bear_ A-comin', he 'uz badder skeered, he wuz, Than _any_ time! An' so he think he'll climb Up _higher_--'way up higher in the tree Than the old _Bear_ kin climb, you know.--But he-- He _can't_ climb higher 'an old _Bears_ kin climb,-- 'Cause Bears kin climb up higher in the trees Than any little Boys in all the Wo-r-r-ld!

  An' so here come the grea'-big Bear, he did,-- A-climbin' up--an' up the tree, to git The Little Boy an' eat him up! An' so The Little Boy he clumbed on higher, an' higher, An' higher up the tree--an' higher--an' higher-- An' higher'n iss-here _house_ is!--An' here come Th' old Bear--clos'ter to him all the time!-- An' nen--first thing you know,--when th' old Big Bear Wuz wite clos't to him--nen the Little Boy Ist jabbed his gun wite in the old Bear's mouf An' shot an' killed him dead!--No; I _fergot_,-- He didn't shoot the grea'-big Bear at all-- 'Cause _they 'uz no load in the gun_, you know-- 'Cause when he shot the _Little_ Bear, w'y, nen No load 'uz any more nen _in_ the gun!

  But th' Little Boy clumbed _higher_ up, he did-- He clumbed _lots_ higher--an' on up _higher_--an' higher An' _higher_--tel he ist _can't_ climb no higher, 'Cause nen the limbs 'uz all so little, 'way Up in the teeny-weeny tip-top of The tree, they'd break down wiv him ef he don't Be keerful! So he stop an' think: An' nen He look around--An' here come th' old Bear!

  An' so the Little Boy make up his mind He's got to ist git out o' there _some_ way!-- 'Cause here come the old Bear!--so clos't, his bref's Purt 'nigh so's he kin feel how hot it is Ag'inst his bare feet--ist like old "Ring's" bref When he's ben out a-huntin' an's all tired. So when th' old Bear's so clos't--the Little Boy Ist gives a grea'-big jump fer _'nother_ tree-- No!--no he don't do that!--I tell you what The Little Boy does:--W'y, nen--w'y, he--Oh, _yes_-- The Little Boy _he finds a hole up there 'At's in the tree_--an' climbs in there an' _hides_-- An' _nen_ th' old Bear can't find the Little Boy At all!--But, purty soon th' old Bear finds The Little Boy's _gun_ 'at's up there--'cause the _gun_ It's too _tall_ to tooked wiv him in the hole. So, when the old Bear find' the _gun_, he knows The Little Boy's ist _hid_ 'round _somers_ there,-- An' th' old Bear 'gins to snuff an' sniff around, An' sniff an' snuff around--so's he kin find Out where the Little Boy's hid at.--An' nen--nen-- Oh, _yes_!--W'y, purty soon the old Bear climbs 'Way out on a big limb--a grea'-long limb,-- An' nen the Little Boy climbs out the hole An' takes his ax an' chops the limb off!... Nen The old Bear falls _k-splunge_! clean to the ground An' bust an' kill hisse'f plum dead, he did!

  An' nen the Little Boy he git his gun An' 'menced a-climbin' down the tree ag'in-- No!--no, he _didn't_ git his _gun_--'cause when The _Bear_ falled, nen the _gun_ falled, too--An' broked It all to pieces, too!--An' _nicest_ gun!-- His Pa ist buyed it!--An' the Little Boy Ist cried, he did; an' went on climbin' down The tree--an' climbin' down--an' climbin' down!-- _An'-sir_! when he 'uz purt'-nigh down,--w'y, nen _The old Bear he jumped up ag'in_!--an' he Ain't dead at all--ist '_tendin_' thataway, So he kin git the Little Boy an' eat Him up! But the Little Boy he 'uz too smart To climb clean _down_ the tree.--An' the old Bear He can't climb _up_ the tree no more--'cause when He fell, he broke one of his--he broke _all_ His legs!--an' nen he _couldn't_ climb! But he Ist won't go 'way an' let the Little Boy Come down out of the tree. An' the old Bear Ist growls 'round there, he does--ist growls an' goes "_Wooh!--woo-ooh!_" all the time! An' Little Boy He haf to stay up in the tree--all night-- An' 'thout no _supper_ neether!--On'y they Wuz _apples_ on the tree!--An' Little Boy Et apples--ist all night--an' cried--an' cried! Nen when 't'uz morning th' old Bear went "_Wooh_!" Ag'in, an' try to climb up in the tree An' git the Little Boy.--But he _can't_ Climb t'save his _soul_, he can't!--An' _oh_! he's _mad_!-- He ist tear up the ground! an' go "_Woo-ooh_!" An'--_Oh, yes!_--purty soon, when morning's come All _light_--so's you kin _see_, you know,--w'y, nen The old Bear finds the Little Boy's _gun_, you know, 'At's on the ground.--(An' it ain't broke at all-- I ist _said_ that!) An' so the old Bear think He'll take the gun an' _shoot_ the Little Boy:-- But _Bears they_ don't know much 'bout shootin' guns: So when he go to shoot the Little Boy, The old Bear got the _other_ end the gun Ag'in' his shoulder, 'stid o' _th'other_ end-- So when he try to shoot the Little Boy, It shot _the Bear_, it did--an' killed him dead! An' nen the Little Boy clumb down the tree An' chopped his old woolly head off:--Yes, an' killed The _other_ Bear ag'in, he did--an' killed All _boff_ the bears, he did--an' tuk 'em home An' _cooked_'em, too, an' _et_'em! --An' that's all.

  COLONEL CARTER'S STORY OF THE POSTMASTER

  BY F. HOPKINSON SMITH

  "Take, for instance, the town of Caartersville: look at that peacefulvillage which for mo' than a hundred years has enjoyed the privileges offree government; and not only Caartersville, but all our section of theState."

  "Well, what's the matter with Cartersville?" asked Fitz, lighting hiscigar.

  "Mattah, suh! Just look at the degradation it fell into hardly ten yearsago. A Yankee jedge jurisdiction our laws, a Yankee sheriff enfo'cin''em, and a Yankee postmaster distributin' letters and sellin' postagestamps."

  "But they were elected all right, Colonel, and represented the will ofthe people."

  "What people? Yo' people, not mine. No, my dear Fitz; the Administrationsucceeding the war treated us shamefully, and will go down to postehityas infamous."

  The colonel here left his chair and began pacing the floor, hisindignation rising at every step.

  "To give you an idea, suh," he continued, "of what we Southern peoplesuffe'd immediately after the fall of the Confederacy, let me state acase that came under my own observation.

  "Coloner Temple Talcott of F'okeer County, Virginia, came intoTalcottville one mornin', suh,--a town settled by his ancestors,--ridin'upon his horse--or rather a mule belongin' to his overseer. ColonelTalcott, suh, belonged to one of the vehy fust families in Virginia. Hewas a son of Jedge Thaxton Talcott, and grandson of General SnowdenStafford Talcott of the Revolutionary War. Now, suh, let me tell youright here that the Talcott blood is as blue as the sky, and that everygentleman bearin' the name is known all over the county as a man whosehonor is dearer to him than his life, and whose word is as good as hisbond. Well, suh, on this mornin' Colonel Talcott left his plantation incharge of his overseer,--he was workin' it on shares,--and rode throughhis estate to his ancestral town, some five miles distant. It is true,suh, these estates were no longer in his name, but that had no bearin'on the events that followed; he ought to have owned them, and would havedone so but for some vehy ungentlemanly fo'closure proceedin's whichoccurred immediately after the war.

  "On arriving at Talcottville the colonel dismounted, handed the reins tohis servant,--or perhaps one of the niggers around de do'--and enteredthe post-office. Now, suh, let me tell you that one month befo', theGovernment, contrary to the express wishes of a great many of ourleadin' citizens, had sent a Yankee postmaster to Talcottville toadminister the postal affairs of the town. No sooner had this man takenpossession than he began to be exclusive, suh, and to put on airs. Thevehy fust air he put on was to build a fence in his office and compelour people to transact their business through a hole. This in itself wasvehy gallin', suh, for up to that time the mail had always been dumpedout on the table in the stage office and every gentleman had he'pedhimself. The next thing was the closin' of his mail bags at a' hourfixed by himself. This became a great inconvenience to our citizens, whowere often late in finishin' their correspondence, and who had alwaysfound our former postmaster willin' either to hold the bag over untilthe next day, or to send it across to Drummondtown by a boy to catch alater train.

  "Well, suh, Colonel Talcott's mission to the post-office was to mail aletter to his factor in Richmond, Virginia, on business of the utmostimportance t
o himself,--namely, the raisin' of a small loan upon hisshare of the crop. Not the crop that was planted, suh, but the crop thathe expected to plant.

  "Colonel Talcott approached the hole, and with that Chesterfieldianmanner which has distinguished the Talcotts for mo' than two centuries,asked the postmaster for the loan of a three-cent postage stamp.

  "To his astonishment, suh, he was refused.

  "Think of a Talcott in his own county town bein' refused a three-centpostage stamp by a low-lived Yankee, who had never known a gentleman inhis life! The colonel's first impulse was to haul the scoundrel throughthe hole and caarve him; but then he remembered that he was a Talcottand could not demean himself, and drawin' himself up again with thatmanner which was grace itself he requested the loan of a three-centpostage stamp until he should communicate with his factor in Richmond,Virginia; and again he was refused. Well, suh, what was there left for ahigh-toned Southern gentleman to do? Colonel Talcott drew his revolverand shot that Yankee scoundrel through the heart, and killed him on thespot.

  "And now, suh, comes the most remarkable part of the story. If it hadnot been for Major Tom Yancey, Jedge Kerfoot and myself, there wouldhave been a lawsuit."

  Fitz lay back in his chair and roared.

  "And they did not hang the colonel?"

  "Hang a Talcott! No, suh; we don't hang gentlemen down our way. JedgeKerfoot vehy properly charged the coroner's jury that it was a matterof self-defense, and Colonel Talcott was not detained mo' than haalf anhour."

  The colonel stopped, unlocked a closet in the sideboard, and produced ablack bottle labeled in ink, "Old Cherry Bounce, 1848."