The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VI. (of X.)

by Rick Raphael

  Does the medder-lark complane, as he swims high and dry Through the waves of the wind and the blue of the sky? Does the quail set up and whissel in a disappinted way, Er hang his head in silunce, and sorrow all the day? Is the chipmuck's health a-failin'?--Does he walk, er does he run? Don't the buzzards ooze around up thare jest like they've allus done? Is they anything the matter with the rooster's lungs er voice? Ort a mortul be complanin' when dumb animals rejoice?

  Then let us, one and all, be contentud with our lot; The June is here this mornin', and the sun is shining hot. Oh! let us fill our harts up with the glory of the day, And banish ev'ry doubt and care and sorrow fur away! Whatever be our station, with Providence fer guide, Sich fine circumstances ort to make us satisfied; Fer the world is full of roses, and the roses full of dew, And the dew is full of heavenly love that drips fer me and you.

  THE MODERN FARMER[2]

  BY JACK APPLETON

  Observe the modern farmer! In the shade He works his crops by letters-patent now: Steam drives the reaper (which is union-made), As in the spring it pushed the auto-plough; A patent milker manages each cow; Electric currents guide the garden spade, And cattle, poultry, pigs through "process" wade To quick perfection--Science shows them how. But while machinery plants and reaps, he rests Upon his porch, and listens to the quail That pipe far off in yonder hand-made vale, With muscles flabby and with strength gone stale, Until, in desperation, he invests In "Muscle-Building Motions Taught by Mail"!

  [Footnote 2: Lippincott's Magazine.]

  THE APOSTASY OF WILLIAM DODGE

  BY STANLEY WATERLOO

  Billy Dodge rose from a seat near the door, and gave the two ladieschairs. Kate looked at him and smiled. The voice of the speaker seemedfar away as she thought of the boy and his enthusiasms. Of all theearnest and sincere converts in the Lakeside House none could comparewith Master William Dodge, the only son of the mistress of the place. Hemight be only eleven years old, he might be the most freckled boy in theblock, but he had received new light, and he had his convictions. He hadlistened, and he had learned. He had learned that if you "hold athought" and carry it around with you on a piece of paper, and read itfrom time to time throughout the day, it will bring you strength andgive you victory in all the affairs of life. He thought the matter overmuch, for he had great need. He wanted help.

  Of Master William Dodge, known as Billy, it may be said that in schoolhe had ordinarily more fights on his hands than any other boy of his ageand size, and it may be said, also, that as a rule, where the chanceswere anywhere near even, he came out "on top." But doggedly brave as thelittle freckled villain was, he had down in the bottom of his heart anappreciation that some day Jim McMasters might lick him. Jim McMasterswas a boy only some six months older than Billy, of North of Irelandblood--than which there is none better--a lank, scrawny, reddish-hairedyoungster, freckled almost as profusely as Billy. Three times had theymet in noble battle, and three times had Billy been the conqueror, butsomehow the spirit of young McMasters did not seem particularly broken,nor did he become a serf. Billy felt that the air was full of portent,and he didn't like it.

  It was just at this time that to Billy came the conviction that by"holding the thought" he would have what he called "the bulge on Jim,"and having the energy of his convictions, he promptly set to the work ofgetting up texts which he could carry around in his pocket and whichwould make him just invincible. He talked cautiously with Mandy Make asto good watch-words, in no way revealing his designs, and from hersecured certain texts which she had herself unconsciously memorized frommany hearings of Jowler preachers. They were:

  "Fight the good fight.""Never give up.""He never fails who dies in a good cause.""Never say die."

  For a time Billy was content with these quotations, written in aschool-boy hand upon brown paper, and carried in his left-hand trouserspocket, but later he discovered that most of the scientists in the housewho "held a thought" themselves prepared their own little bit ofmanuscript to be carried and read during the day, and that the text wasmade to apply to their special needs. Billy, after much meditation,concluded this was the thing for him, and with great travail he composedand wrote out the new texts which he should carry constantly and whichshould be his bulwark. Here they are:

  "Ketch hold prompt and hang on.""Strike from the shoulder.""A kick for a blow, always bestow.""When you get a good thing, keep it--keep it.""When you get a black cat, skin it to the tail."

  Only a week later one William Dodge and one Jim McMasters again met inmore or less mortal combat, and one William Dodge, repeating the shorterof his texts as he fought, was again the victor.

  "Gimme Christian Science!" he said to himself, as he put on his coatafter the fray was over.

  * * * * *

  Billy Dodge was fast drifting, although unconsciously, toward a crisisin his religious and worldly experiences. At school, during the lastterm, and so far in the summer vacation, his scheme of fortifying hisphysical powers with mental stimulants in the form of warlike "thoughts"had worked well. His chief rival for the honors of war, an energeticyoungster, whose name, Jim McMasters, proclaimed his Irish ancestry, hehad soundly thrashed more than once since adopting his new tactics. Sofar Billy had found that to hold the thought, "Ketch hold prompt andhang on," while he acted vigorously upon that stirring sentiment, meantvictory, and he had more than once tried the efficacy of, "Strike fromthe shoulder," under adverse conditions and with success.

  It was during this summer of anxiety to the more important personages ofthis story that Billy Dodge was called upon to prove the practical valueof his belief in the supremacy of mind over matter, and although Billyemerged from the trial none the worse for his experience, it effected aradical change in his views.

  Jim McMasters returned one summer's day from a short camping excursionin the Michigan woods. He had been the only boy in a party of young men,and during their spare hours, as the members of the fishing party werelying around camp, they had instructed Jim in a few of the firstprinciples of the noble science of self-defense. This unselfish actionon the part of his elders was brought about by Jim's bitter complaintsof Billy's treatment of himself in a fair fight, and by his dire thirstfor vengeance.

  And so Jim McMasters came back to the city a dangerous opponent, and helooked it. Even Billy, secure in the prestige of former victories, andarmed with hidden weapons--namely, the "thoughts" he so tenaciouslyheld--felt some misgivings when he saw Jim and noted his easy,swaggering mien.

  "I've got to lick him again," thought Billy, "and I've got to be goodand ready for him this time. I must get a set of thoughts well learnedand hold 'em, or I'll be lammed out of my life."

  The youngsters met one day, each with his following of admirers, in avacant lot not far from the Lakeside House. There was a queer look inJim's eye when he hailed Billy, and there was instant response inlanguage of a violent character from the young disciple of ChristianScience. As the two stood in a ring of boys, each watching the other andalert to catch some advantage of beginning, Billy was certainly the mostunconcerned, and he appeared to advantage. He was occupied throughoutevery nerve and vein of his being, first in "holding the thought" he hadfixed upon for this special occasion, and second, by his plan of attack,for Billy made it a point always to take the initiative in a fight.

  As for Jim, that active descendant of the Celts failed to exhibit thatalarm and apprehension which should appertain to a young gentleman ofhis age when facing an antagonist who had "whaled" him repeatedly. Hisface was neither sallow with long dread, nor white with present fearbefore his former conqueror. In fact, it must be said of him that hecapered about in a fashion not particularly graceful. He rose upon theends of his toes and made wild feints which Billy did not understand. Itwas hard, under such disquieting circumstances, to hold a thought, andBilly found himself struggling in mind for equilibrium while he stoodforward to the
attack. He aimed a wild blow at his capering opponent,and drove into soundless air only, and before he could recover himselfthe capering opponent had "landed" on Billy's cheek in a most surprisingbut altogether unrefreshing manner.

  The concussion made the cheek the color of an old-fashioned peony, andthe jar caused the nose to bleed a little as the astonished Billystaggered back under the impact of a clenched fist.

  Then the real fight began, but Billy, though he made a strong effort torally, was beaten, and he knew, or thought he knew, why he was beaten."It was holding the thought that done it," he faltered, as he fell aftera quick stroke from Jim. He lay quiet on the grass, and his one wish wasto die. He fixed his mind resolutely upon this wish, but failed to dieat once; indeed he felt every moment the reviving forces of lifethrobbing through his tough young body. How could he look up and facehis victorious foe? He decided rather to continue his efforts to die,and forthwith stiffened out into such rigidity as can be observed onlyin the bodies of those who have been dead forty-eight hours.

  This manoeuver frightened the lads around him. "See here!" said JohnnyFlynn, "Billy's hurt bad, an' we ought to do something."

  "He looks dead!" whimpered little Davy Runnion, the smallest boypresent, and he ran off to tell Jim McMasters, who stood at ease, at ashort distance, arranging his disordered dress.

  The victor faltered as he looked upon Billy's stiffened limbs.

  "We must take him home," he said, ruefully.

  Four boys lifted Billy, two at his shoulders, two at his feet. In thecenter he sagged slightly, despite his silent efforts to be rigidityitself. The small procession was preceded by a rabble of white-facedsmall boys, while the rear was guarded by Jim McMasters, meditating onthe reflection that victory might be too dearly bought. Just as theyreached the front steps of Mrs. Dodge's house, and were beginning thetug up toward the door, Jim burst into a loud bawl, and this so muchdisconcerted the youngsters who were carrying Billy that they almostdropped him on the white door-stone.

  Johnny Flynn gave a mighty ring at the door-bell, and then fled down thesteps and ran to the street corner, where he stood, one foot in the air,ready to run when the door opened. The neat maid who answered the bellgave a little shriek when she saw Billy's inanimate form. The boyspushed by her, dumped their burden upon the big hall sofa, and rushedout before any questions could be asked. It was plain enough, however,that Billy had got the worst of the fight. "And sure enough he deservesit," mentally pronounced the servant maid as she ran to call hermistress.

  Mrs. Dodge gave a dismal shriek when she saw Billy. She sent the maidfor Dr. Gordon, and sat down on the sofa with Billy's head in her lap.This was ignominious, and Billy decided to live. He opened his eyes, andin a faint voice asked for water.

  When the man of medicine arrived he ordered the vanquished to bed. Inthe goodness of his heart, pitying the household of women, he evencarried Billy upstairs and assisted in undressing him. The doctornoticed during this process various small folded papers flying out ofBilly's pockets, but he did not know their meaning. It was left for Coraand Pearl, later in the day, to pick them up and examine them. Alas forBilly's faith!

  In his own boyish handwriting were his inspiring "thoughts," "Never saydie," "Ketch hold prompt," etc. Billy turned his face to the wall with agroan as the twins laid the slips of paper on his pillow.

  That evening, after Billy had held a long session of sweet, silentthought, for he could not sleep, and had eaten a remarkably good supper,he opened his mind to his mother.

  "No more of these for me," he began, brushing the texts from his bedonto the floor.

  "Of what, Willy?" questioned Mrs. Dodge.

  "No more holdin' the thought, and all that," said Billy. "I'm through.Had too much. That's what did me up. If I hadn't been trying to thinkthat blamed thought, I'd 'a' seen Jim a-comin'."

  "But, Willy," expostulated Mrs. Dodge, "you must hold fast."

  "Hold nothin'!" said Billy. He arose and sat up very straight in thebed. "I tell you I am goin' to have no more nonsense. Gimme quinine,hell, a gold basis, and capital punishment! That's my platform from thison. I'm goin' to look up a good Sunday-school to-morrow, in a churchwith a steeple on it, and a strict, regular minister, and all thefixin's. Remember, mother, after this I travel on my muscle weekdays,and keep Sunday like a clock!"

  The twins picked up the scattered thoughts from the floor--Billy waslying in his mother's room--and their eyes were big with wonder.

  "Burn 'em!" commanded Billy. Then, on second thought, he relentedslightly. "Keep 'em yourself if you want to," he said to the twins."Holdin' the thought may be all right for girls, but with boys it don'twork!"

  SO WAGS THE WORLD

  BY ANNE WARNER

  (With apologies to Samuel Pepys, Esquire)

  _February first_

  My birthday and I exceedingly merry thereat having in divers friends andmuch good wine beside two pasties and more of all than we could eat anddrink had we been doubled. Afterwards to the play-house and a very goodplay and hence to a supper the which most hot and comforting with a buttof brandy and divers cocktails and they being very full did make greatsport and joke me that I had never taken a wife to which replied neatlysaying that for my part in my twenties did feel myself too young and inmy thirties did never chance upon one comely and to my taste at whichgreat applause and pretty to see me bow to right and left although inmortal fear lest something give way, I being grown heavier of late andthe quality of cloth suffering from the New York Custom House. Theapplause being over did continue my speech and say that in my fortieshad had little time to think of aught but my own personal affairs, butthat now being come to my fifties was well disposed to share them andthey did all drink to that and smash their glasses with right good cheerprophesying my marriage and drinking long life to Her and me and Lordbut it did like me to hear speak of Her the which brought tears to mineeyes, considering that they did speak of my wife, and so did weep freelyand they with me. My mind then a blank but home in some shape and themaid did get me to my room and what a head this morning! Misliketh memuch to bethink me how I did comport myself, but a man is fifty butonce.

  To mine office where did buy and sell as usual.

  _February third_

  Comes H. Nevil in a glass coach to take me to drive and did talk much ofhis niece, she being fresh from France and of a good skin and fairvoice. Was of a great joy to ride in a glass coach and pleasant to lookconstantly out backward, but great rattling and do think my modestbrougham sufficeth me well, but H. Nevil very disdainful of the broughamand saith a man is known by the company he keepeth, the which strange inmine eyes we being alone together in the coach but did go with him to ahorse dealer's.

  To mine office as usual and there did buy and sell.

  _February eighth_

  To dine with H. Nevil and his wife and she a monstrous pleasant lady andthe dinner good only the wine poor and my vest too tight which vastlymisliked me, I being loth to grow stout and yet all at odds with mybelts, the which trying me sadly for I do pay my tailor as many do not.And the niece a striking fine girl modest and not raising her eyes thewhich much to my taste and drinking only lambs-wool and at cards knowingnot tierce from deuce. H. Nevil making great ado over my new coach didhave it out with pride and we to the Country Club for a late supper,the which well-cooked but my vest much tighter and so home and to bed.

  Railway stocks risen two points.

  _February twentieth_

  Did take a box at the Play and ask H. Nevil, his wife and niece and asupper afterwards and pretty to see how miss did refuse mine eyes andhardly speak two words, the which greatly to my admiration and aftersupper did lead her to the coach and press her hand with curious effectto mine own hair, the which strange and prickly and home and muchthinking on the merry talk at my birthday before sleep.

  Stocks falling somewhat.

  _March nineteenth_

  Much agitated and all trembling and of a cold sweat. The Lord have mercyand me all unwitting until in some
strange way do find myself todaybetrothed the which I do heartily pray to be for the good of allconcerned, although expensive and worse to come.

  No heart for stocks, but the same arising.

  _April sixteenth_

  Do find the being betrothed more to my taste than anticipated and tellH. Nevil he shall be remembered with pointers when the market turnsagain. We to the park to drive each afternoon and many admiring of herbeauty, she desiring often to drive but I firm in refusing for I will bemaster in my own house.

  Comes one Lasselle and makes a great tale of a mine and I with no timefor him, but do set the office boy to look him up in Bradstreet.

  These be busy days with a corner on parsnips.

  _May tenth_

  The business of being director in Lasselle's mine ended this day and toa great dinner that he giveth in my honor and my portrait on all thecards the which pleaseth me mightily and I all complimented andcongratulationed and sly hints on my approaching marriage to the which Iall smiles for Lord the thing being done one must be of good courage.

  Quotations low, beshrew them.

  _June seventh (the Mountains)_

  Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and meforced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was withExtras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving thebride away and on the wrong side of the market by my advice. The bridehystericky in the carriage and at the station wept so that I was fairbeside myself. Did bethink me to kiss her in the train, but smallcomfort to either. What will become of my affairs I know not, this placebeing all without stock reports and I half mad and with naught to passthe time.