by LJ Evans
“Seth?”
I knew you’d want to talk. But I couldn’t. Not without a drink in my hand, and I was determined not to go there, so I left instead. “I’m going for a run.”
I changed and went out to the beach where I could run until my brain was forced to focus on giving air to my lungs and carbs to my muscles instead of thought. To where I didn’t have to fight off the desire for barley and wheat in their liquid form.
I knew we’d left more words unspoken. More of our pasts that we’d left unresolved between us, but it wasn’t something I could battle that day along with the addiction. One battle at a time. I’m sorry that I chose the addiction over you.
When I got home and realized you’d driven to work without me, I wanted to bust a hole in the wall because I’d let my addiction lead my life one more time.
I called and you answered.
“You left!” I wasn’t angry with you, I was angry with myself, but I know it didn’t sound that way.
“I had to get to work, and you needed to let out some frustration.”
“Did someone walk you into the gym?”
“I’m not going to live my life like I’m a two-year-old,” you fired back.
“Is he there?”
“God no! I think us calling the police was enough for him to get the message even if he was the one sending the texts.”
You didn’t like using the word stalker. I noticed you skipped it a lot, but he was. You kept saying “if” when we both knew there was no “if.” You weren’t stupid. Neither was I.
“Justice is going to walk you to your car.”
“He’s already insisted, but I’m seriously not going to live that way.”
“For the love of God, put aside that goddamn pride of yours for two seconds and let the people who love you make sure you’re safe.”
I think the amount of words I’d strung together surprised you as much as the content because you were quiet for a moment, but then you gave in.
“Okay.”
But when you hung up, I texted Liv. She’d given me her number the day before. It was the fifth number I added to my phone. She promised me that Justice wouldn’t let you walk out alone. And it was a good thing he hadn’t.
When Liv called me at the time you were supposed to be getting back, I panicked. I was a fucking giant bastard having a fucking panic attack. Shaking like I was going through withdrawals. Barely able to breathe.
“Where’s PJ?”
“She’s here. At our house,” Liv said and her voice was unsteady.
“What the fuck happened?”
“There was a note on her car.”
“I’m on my way.”
I hung up even though she started to protest. I didn’t care what she thought. My only desire was to get to you.
By the time I got to Liv and Justice’s, the police had come and gone. They’d taken the note with them. But Liv had taken a photo of it.
My first priority wasn’t the note. My first priority was you. You were twisting the label of a beer bottle in your hands, and when you looked up at me, there was fear in your eyes for the first time. Not embarrassment. Just straight up fear.
When I got to you, you all but jumped into my arms and then broke. You cried. It was the first time I’d seen you really cry. You’d had some tears roll down your cheeks that first day we were together over Liv and the baby, but this was you really crying. Sobbing.
God, Bella. It shattered me. Made me want to cry, and I never cry. Never. Not over my mom. Not over Cam.
I held on tight to you and looked over your head to the two pairs of eyes in the room that were watching us. Liv sank into the chair, and Justice came up behind her, rubbing her shoulders as much to reassure her as to give himself something to do. I understood that.
After you’d sobbed for a few minutes, you quieted, but I still hung on to you. Afraid that you would somehow be more torn up by this than the other things in your life.
You finally looked up at me, and your huge Bambi eyes were red and swollen, and I wanted to kill him all over again. Put him in the ground where the worms and soil could do more damage to his body than I ever could.
“I’m sorry,” you said.
“Don’t fucking apologize,” I growled.
It made you smile. No one had really ever smiled at my growls before. Not even Cam when she knew how to sass me out of my bad mood. Your smiling meant you knew me. That I wasn’t really growling at you.
“Your shirt’s drenched.”
“It’s just a fucking shirt.”
“You love that word don’t you?”
“What word?”
“Fuck.”
I guess it’s true. I don’t really even register that I use it most of the time. It’s a useless adjective, I guess, because I throw it in as much as other people throw in commas or extra exclamation marks.
“I’m gonna go wash my face,” you said.
“Okay.”
But I hadn’t let you go. You smiled weakly, pushing against my chest until I finally removed my arms. We had people in front of us, otherwise, I might not have let you go until I’d dug my skin back into yours where we always fit and the rest of the world disappeared.
When you’d gone down the hall, I turned to Liv. “What did it say?”
She handed me her phone.
My Beloved Patterson,
I’ve given you time. Time to see that the loser is not your one true love. How can he be when I am here cherishing you? I won’t continue to let him use you. Like the others have. I intend for you to be mine. You were always supposed to be mine. I didn’t get my turn.
Our love nest is almost ready. I just have to add a few more things for it to be perfect. Then I’ll show it to you. There are so many little surprises that I’ve built in just for you. I’ll be able to keep you with me always, right where you belong. Soon Patterson. Soon.
Forever Yours.
“He’s crazy.”
“I’m not sure it’s Michael,” Liv said.
“What?” I asked her.
“It’s… it just doesn’t sound like him.”
“Fucking crazy?”
Justice finally sank down into a chair. “Whoever it is, he’s talking about keeping her somewhere.”
He was angry and scared. We all were. If nothing else, I was glad that it had finally scared you too. Not because I wanted you to feel like you had to hide behind me. It wasn’t that. It was because I needed you to take this seriously. To see it as more than just some rambling romantic writing love notes.
“What did the police say?” I asked.
“They’re going to try to get fingerprints, but even if they do—which they doubt they will—it’ll be hard to find a match if the guy isn’t in the system.”
“Is Michael in the system? Did you have him fingerprinted because he works with kids?”
They nodded. At least there was that.
The doorbell rang and then the door opened. I kicked the chair back in my urgency to get up, to protect you, but Locke’s voice rang out, making my tension ease slightly. “Hey, it’s me!”
Then his voice was followed by his body and another body. Another male body. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see any new males coming into our lives.
Locke was in his typical suit, and the guy with him wore his own equally tailored one. It fit him like a slim glove. He was almost as tall as Locke, but thinner and darker. Younger. More my age than Locke’s. He looked oddly familiar to me. Like I should know him. It tugged at a memory that I couldn’t slide into place yet.
The guy put his hands in his pockets, slightly ill at ease, but not enough to bolt. He just stood there while Locke asked about you.
“How’s she doing?”
“She’s okay. We’ll make sure she is,” Justice said grimly.
You came out of the hall bathroom at that moment, and Locke hugged you tight. I hated anyone touching you, and even though
it was irrational, I’ll give myself some slack because under the circumstances, it was warranted.
“Who’s this?” you asked, pulling away from him.
Locke cleared his throat, nervous, as if he’d forgotten that we didn’t know who his friend was.
“Everyone, this is my…Keith.” It was slightly humorous to see the normally calm Locke flustered.
“Well, I’m not his Keith, but I am his boyfriend, Keith,” the man said, coming forward with a smile and a Southern accent.
That’s when the memory slid into place. Of Cam and the cliff that I’d pushed her off of as I dared her to jump so I wouldn’t expose her friend Keith’s homosexuality to a group of teenaged football players.
My stomach twisted. I had been such a prick. And me feeling like shit doesn’t normally bode well for anyone around me. I’m as nasty on regret as I am on alcohol.
I met Keith’s eyes, and instead of being pissed like I would have expected, there was laughter in them.
“I’m PJ, this is Justice and Liv, and the sulking man in the corner is—”
“Seth,” Keith said with a laugh.
“Keith,” I nodded at him.
“Wait? What? How do you know Seth?” Locke asked with a new tone to his voice. I wanted to smirk. If the mood in the room wasn’t so serious, I probably would have. Because Locke being jealous of me was humorous. But it was also something I understood. There’d been a few hours when I’d wanted to slam his gray hair into the nearest wall when I thought he’d been with you.
“High school in Tennessee,” Keith said, but he bumped Locke’s shoulder as if to tell him to lighten up.
“Well, isn’t it a small world?” Liv said with almost her normal smile back on her face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you finally, Keith. We’ve heard a lot about you.”
“And I all of you,” Keith said with a return smile that was infecting everyone in the room.
It made me hate myself a little more. For being a prick in another life to this guy who was bringing a much needed positive energy into our night.
“Are you sure it’s safe for you to bring him around us yet, man?” Justice asked to Locke with a smile that spoke of stories he was going to spill.
“I figure if he can stomach the group of you good-for-nothings, then I’m all set,” Locke rumbled.
“He’s lying. I had to bribe him to bring me here tonight,” Keith teased.
Locke growled in a way that I normally reserved for myself, but it made me smile, and you saw it, and that made you smile, and that made everything okay in my world.
I guess it was good that there was humor because we needed it. We needed it to escape the fear that a note had left in its wake. I needed it to keep me from being my typical asshole self. You needed it to keep away the tears, and that made me like Keith for the first time. And you know me. I don’t like many people.
You found your way back to my side and put your hand in mine. I held on to it while Keith watched us all.
“It must have been one heck of a bribe,” Liv finally teased back. She was good at that also. Teasing everyone back out of the darkness. I could see how her and Keith would get along famously. I could see how Locke was drawn to Keith just like his best friend had been drawn to Liv.
The baby cried on the baby monitor, bringing us back to reality.
“Well, I’m going to go feed Cole which leaves you having to figure out dinner,” Liv said to Justice.
“We’re leaving. We just wanted to see how PJ was,” Locke said.
“No, no. Everyone stay. Justice will order takeout.” Liv left the room, and no one had a choice but to stay because you didn’t go against a breastfeeding mother.
When we left a couple hours later, I handed you the keys to the Porsche, and I took the Bug that Justice had driven to his house. I didn’t want you to have to think about the letter that had been left on the windshield.
I thought you were going to argue, but after one look in the direction of the Bug, you didn’t.
When we got home, I parked the Bug inside the garage because there was no way I was letting you leave it outside where that shithead could get to it. You got out of the Porsche and protested, but I stopped you with a kiss and a need so great that it stopped you cold.
And that’s where we spent the rest of our night. As we always did. In each other’s arms, pushing the world aside.
♫ ♫ ♫
The next day, the Bug wouldn’t start when you tried to go to work. I got worried when I didn’t hear you leave in the rattletrap. I went into the garage and found you with your head on the steering wheel like that first day we’d been together.
You felt like life was throwing more unfair at you. I felt like it was destiny. I didn’t want you driving that rust bucket anyway. If you had a different car, the shithead wouldn’t know whose car to leave screwed up notes on.
I drove you to work, which you were unhappy about. Fighting that dependency. I didn’t care. I’d already told you I’d drive you to Vegas every day if it was needed. But I knew you weren’t going to tolerate that for long, so I drove to the Lexus dealership. And I bought you a car.
I’m not going to lie, I was excited. I wanted to see your face light up when I gave it to you. I wanted you to be happy. The thought of doing this for you, of having the money to be able to do this for you, it made me giddy. I know, giddy and me aren’t normally words that go together. But I was. I just didn’t know it was going to go all to hell.
When you came out of the gym door, you didn’t smile. That was my first clue. Instead, you stood with your hand on your hip and a frown on your face.
“What’s this?”
“Your new car,” I said, but my happiness was dimming quickly.
“I’m not taking this,” you replied, and looked away quickly when my smile turned to my glower.
“What?”
“Seth, I’m not letting you buy me a car.”
“You need a new one.”
“And I’ll get one. When I’ve saved up enough money. It may not be a new one, but it will be new to me.”
“I’m not letting you drive that piece of garbage anymore. I worry about you every time you leave the house, plus Michael knows that car.” I hated myself as soon as I said it because I saw the fear streak across your face before you schooled it back into your fairy scowl.
“You don’t have a choice. I’m sorry it makes you worry, but I’m not taking a handout from you or anyone.”
“This isn’t a handout! This is me wanting the woman I love to be safe. It’s really fucking selfish.”
I was trying to twist it so you would take the car any way I could. If I had to use guilt, I’d do it. I wasn’t playing fair this time, even though I was trying harder with you than I had with anyone in my life. You may not believe that, but this was me trying to be as close to fair as I could get, but not with the car.
“I’m sorry. You’ll just have to take it back,” you said, and you weren’t giving in. I could see it. But I wasn’t either.
“No.”
“Fine, then you just bought yourself another car. I won’t be driving it.”
You stormed back into the gym. I was confused as all hell. Because I knew you were independent. I knew you didn’t want to be given anything, but this was different. This was life-and-death different.
I stared at the gym door, hands behind my head, trying to breathe myself to a calm place.
When you came out, Liv was with you. She had baby Cole and her bag. She lifted an eyebrow questioningly at me, but I couldn’t fucking respond. I watched as Liv got the baby in the car seat, and you started to get into the passenger seat of her SUV.
“Bella.” It was a warning. I wanted to pick you up and shove you into the seat of the Lexus.
But you had your own snarl that surprised me. “I’ll see you at the house. After you’ve taken that back.”
“Goddamn it.” I started toward you, bu
t Liv intercepted me.
“Look. I don’t know the whole story, but I can tell you that PJ doesn’t want you to drive her home right now. I’m going to do that. This’ll give you both some space to figure out what you really want to say before either of you says something you’ll regret. Capisce?”
I wanted to shove her aside, but I looked at you with your scowl, and baby Cole gurgling in the back seat, and Liv with a frown that she hardly ever wore, and I relented.
I couldn’t fight you, and them, and all the other fucking things that were going on in our life. So instead, I slammed my way into the Lexus and burned rubber out of the parking lot.
It was immature. But better squealing tires than fists. Better the smell of burning rubber than forcing something that would only push you away.
You realize that I only wanted what was best for you, right? That I wanted to keep you safe. I wasn’t trying to tie you to me. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like you had to stay because I’d bought you a car. I wasn’t giving it to you so that you would owe me something back.
But as I write these words, not hardly a page or so after I wrote the words that he wrote you, I realize again how close my feelings were to his. And it scares me in a different way. It scares me that I am more like him than I want to admit. Like I’m more like my asshole father than I want to admit. It makes me think that maybe you’re right to be thousands of miles away from me.
PJ After Letter Eight
ONE STEP CLOSER
“Standing on the corner of that lone goodbye,
All alone, it’s there I made up my mind.”
-Bon Jovi
Pj’s heart hammers a vicious pace inside her chest reading Seth’s letter. It brings her right back to the place she’d left. The fear. The overpowering force of Seth. Of everything that had come after.
What would have happened if she’d kept the stupid Lexus? Would all the other madness still have happened? Probably…but the doubts still linger with her.
She’s shaking. Inside and out. There’s no way she’s making it to class today. No way she can leave the apartment. The fear still overtakes her at times. Her therapist says it's normal. That she shouldn’t push it away. That she needs to walk herself through the fear to the other side.
