by LJ Evans
So that’s her plan. To stay and walk herself through it.
She breathes deeply and tries to concentrate on the day when Seth showed up in the parking lot with the Lexus.
♫ ♫ ♫
He tried to hand her the keys with a smile the size of Texas on his face. That rare smile he kept reserved for occasions so few and far between that they could be counted on two hands since she’d known him. The smile she hadn’t seen since before Michael. Since before Seth had been told that the father who’d let his mother die was out of prison.
She loved that smile. But she hated the car.
She couldn’t take it. There was no way she would have any self-respect left if she allowed him to buy her a car. She could never pay him back for it. She would buy her own car. She told him that, and it had wiped his smile away.
When she drove away with Liv, she wanted to cry, but she held it in. She felt like everything in her life was spiraling out of control. Seth was out of control. Her emotions for him were out of control. This thing with Michael, or whoever the hell it was, was out of control.
She just wanted so badly to be in charge of her own life. Was that anything so terrible to ask for? To be able to be responsible for herself?
They were both quiet as Liv drove. The silence only broken by the directions PJ would give her to get to Seth’s house. Finally, Liv broke the quiet. “Peej. You okay?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” PJ paused, trying to figure out what she was trying to say. She rubbed her face and looked out the window. “I love him, Liv. It’s just…so much sometimes. Too much. He doesn’t do anything by halves, and I feel like I’m losing myself.”
“You have a lot going on right now.”
“Even if there wasn’t this whole…Michael thing…I just… It’s like sometimes I can’t even breathe without him giving me the air to do so.”
Liv was quiet for a moment but then spoke solemnly.
“I like Seth. I do. So don’t take this wrong, but maybe you both need some space. You both dove headfirst into this extremely intense relationship. You guys love each other, it’s so clear to everyone around you, but it’s also like… I don’t know. Two flames that are going to run out of fuel at any moment.”
It was PJ’s turn to be quiet.
“Do you want to come home with me? You can stay with us. Our place is your home—has always been your home,” Liv offered.
PJ didn’t say no immediately. Did she want to go back to Justice and Liv’s with baby Cole and her family? Did she want to leave Seth? The thought of leaving him made her whole stomach spin in turns that quickly formed a knot the size of the Rock of Gibraltar inside her. She loved Seth.
“No,” she finally breathed out, “I belong at Seth’s.”
Liv nodded as if she’d expected her to say that.
“It’s just…he can’t go buying me a frickin’ car.”
“He bought you that car?” Liv was stunned.
PJ just nodded.
“Wow. That was a really nice car,” Liv teased, trying to make light of it.
“But I can’t take it.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want people to think I’m using him like some sugar daddy.”
“Then this isn’t really about him or you. It’s really about what others think?”
PJ was frustrated with Liv. With herself as well. But she wasn’t some money-grubbing millionaire hunter. She didn’t require presents to love Seth. She didn’t want him buying her things and everyone assuming something about their relationship that wasn’t true, especially after they’d rushed into living together.
She wanted people to see them and think they were together because they fit. That they belonged to each other because of their hearts, not because of his money. And they did. She felt it when they were together. But the world kept creeping in on them just as her past did.
Liv pulled into the driveway of Seth’s house, and PJ asked, “You wanna come in?”
She didn’t think she sounded as needy as she felt. But going into the house by herself was more than she could take right then.
“Sure, but just for a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
Liv unbuckled the baby, PJ grabbed the mail, and they entered the house. Liv wandered around, taking it all in.
“This is a pretty nice place.”
“Ugh. See!” PJ said and flopped onto the couch with the mail.
“See, what?”
“It’s all over-the-top.”
Liv laughed. “You’re crazy, girl. Seriously, this is a nice house. So what? He had it before he met you. He didn’t buy it for you.”
“But it isn’t a place I’d ever be able to afford. Never in my lifetime.”
“Well, never is a really long time. You don’t know what life has in store for you.”
PJ’s hand stopped suddenly on one of the letters. Liv noticed and was at her side immediately.
“PJ, talk to me,” Liv said.
PJ waved her aside. “It’s not… It’s not that. It’s a letter from Pratt.”
PJ tore open the letter. She read it quickly and then turned to Liv with a smile. It was the first good news she’d had in what felt like a century.
“What?”
“They want me to start in July. In their summer program. They have a spot for me!”
“Wow! That’s great?” But Liv said it like it was a question.
“It is!”
“I agree with you,” Liv said.
“But?”
“Running away won’t solve your problems.”
“It isn’t running. I applied to Pratt before any of this.”
“If that’s what you really want, if that’s what you dream about doing, then you know we’ll always support you,” Liv said as she laid Cole on the couch to dig in the diaper bag.
“But you don’t think it’s really my dream?” PJ prompted her.
“I think you don’t know what your dream is.”
That hit her in the chest and ticked her off at the same time. Because her admitting she was lost was different than having Liv tell her the same thing.
“Well, it certainly isn’t living with my boyfriend, spending his money, and attending his shows like a trophy wife on his arm.”
Liv laughed.
“He’s practically the same age as you, so you can’t be his trophy wife.”
PJ rolled her eyes.
“You need to get over what everyone else thinks. I’m sure there were quite a few people who thought I gave up what I wanted for Justice’s dream.”
“Anyone who knows Justice knows the gym wasn’t his real dream,” PJ said bitterly.
Liv looked at her in surprise. “Is that what you think?”
“It’s what I know. He gave up his dream of being a doctor for me.”
“For someone so smart, you can be such a dumbass,” Liv said, twisting a teasing tone into her voice to soften the message.
“You’re telling me that’s not what he wanted?”
“God, PJ. How long have you thought that?” When PJ didn’t respond, Liv just went on. “He didn’t just give it up to take care of you. He’d realized that he cared about the human body but not enough to cut it up. He wanted to make it strong. The gym isn’t some afterthought or second best. It’s everything he wanted in his life. And I love it too. Not just because he cares about it, but because we help people. We’re both happy there.”
PJ was surprised that her understanding of Justice’s choices was so different from the reality.
“Look. If you want to go do this art management thing, then go do it. If that’s what you want for you. But don’t do it because you think people will judge you if you stay. Just like you shouldn’t turn down a gift from the man who loves you because you think people will judge that either. Do what makes you happy. What will fulfill you.”
After that, the baby got fussy, and Liv said she ne
eded to go. PJ walked her out and helped her get the baby tucked away.
“Give us a call if you need us.” She hugged PJ and got in the car.
“Love you!” PJ said.
“Love you too, Peej.”
And she drove away.
Inside, the house was quiet. No food smells. Seth hadn’t had time to cook because he’d been out car shopping. It made her feel guilty. Guilty because she’d rejected his gift. Guilty that he would think her rejection of the car was a rejection of him.
She went to the kitchen and tried to figure out what she could cook that would be ready when he got back. There wasn’t much she was good at. There was a frozen spaghetti sauce that Seth had made the other day, and she grabbed that to heat up.
She was still in the kitchen, cooking when she heard the garage open and the slamming of a car door. When he didn’t come in right away, she wondered if he’d gone for a run on the beach. He seemed to take his frustration out running so that he wouldn’t take it out on her.
Noise out front caught her attention, the backup beeping of a big truck. When she looked out the front window, she saw a tow truck lifting the Caterpillar onto its back. She flung open the door and ran outside.
“What are you doing?” she demanded of the tow truck driver.
He looked up, confused.
Seth came out from the garage.
“It doesn’t run,” Seth said matter-of-factly, standing in his typical stance with arms crossed.
“I know.”
“You need a running vehicle, right?” he asked, face shuttered. “I’m having it towed to the garage.”
She stared at him for a moment. It was a thoughtful gesture. It was his way of apologizing for buying her the car, but also saying he wasn’t going to tolerate her in something that broke down. PJ didn’t know which of the emotions he provoked to process first. Gratitude. Guilt. Love. Embarrassment.
“Fine. But it needs to go to my guy, Hank.”
“Because he’s done such a great job of keeping it running?”
“Because I trust him to not rip me off on things that I don’t need right now.”
“Like a running vehicle,” Seth said with a quiet ferocity.
“Am I towing the car, lady?” The tow truck driver pulled at his long beard, finally having gotten the drift that the car didn’t belong to Seth.
“Yes. Thank you. But to Hank’s A-1 Car Garage on Mason Street,” she told him.
Seth threw his hands in the air and stormed off into the house while she made the final arrangements with the driver. She even ran inside and got her insurance card so that he could bill her instead of Seth.
When he’d finally towed the Bug down the street, she went in to find Seth finishing up the dinner preparations.
“I was cooking,” she told him.
“I can’t do anything for you today? Not even a meal?” he asked harshly.
She eased up to him and forced her way between him and the stove. She hugged him and could feel the tension in him by the tightness of his back muscles.
“I was trying to say thank you.”
He laughed severely. “For what? Every goddamn thing I tried to do for you today, you turned down.”
“I know. I haven’t expressed myself very well. I love that you wanted to do all those things for me. Buy me a car. Fix the Caterpillar. But you have to understand, if I let you do those things for me, then I lose some of myself.”
“It was just a car.”
“To you, maybe.”
“I wanted to do this for you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He kissed her on her forehead and held her close. But it was yet another thing that they hadn’t handled quite right. It was more words left unsaid. It was another hole being poked into the weave of their relationship.
♫ ♫ ♫
The next day, Seth had to drive her back and forth to the gym. When he picked her up, he was quiet. Silent. Moody. Seth’s way of fighting without words.
When they got to the house, he flung his keys on the table and then went to the studio instead of the kitchen. She followed him.
“What’s going on?”
He picked up pieces of metal and slammed them around.
“Jesus. Just tell me before you break something you’ll regret,” PJ said.
“Why don’t you tell me?” he hissed back.
She furrowed her brow, thinking.
“Are you leaving?” he finally asked.
And then she realized she’d left the letter from Pratt out.
She let out a breath. “You saw the letter.”
Her hands went to her t-shirt, twisting, as nervousness filled her. He hated her being gone for two hours. How would he react to the idea of her being across the country?
She could feel him watching her. Feel his eyes on her anxious hands, and she stopped, pushing them up the sleeves of her t-shirt instead.
“There are programs here in L.A.” His tone was cold.
He walked to the huge windows that looked out on the ocean from his studio with his back to her. You couldn’t see the ocean tonight because the marine layer was so thick. All you could see was a whirl of gray in the darkness. It was how she felt. A whirl of gray.
She loved him so much. She hated that she was the one causing him pain. And it was pain. Pain that she could see as he placed his hands behind his head, his entire body tense. His movement lifted his shirt, accentuating his muscled torso and showing off a piece of his scar. A scar that was only one physical reminder of the broken pieces inside him.
She gulped. It was going to take more courage than she might have to leave him. But she also knew that she didn’t know how to stay and still be whole. To still be PJ.
When he finally turned to look at her, she inhaled sharply again because, along with the pain in his eyes, there was self-condemnation. That look, alone, almost made her lose her resolve.
“Do I scare you so much that you have to run away?” he asked, voice full of heartache.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
He closed the distance between them, grabbing her shoulders and tilting her chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes.
“Prove it,” he said as he ran his hands along her skin, that ever-present current that seemed to live between them coursing through her.
“You can’t dare me into staying, Seth. I have to figure out what’s best for me on my own.” She stepped away.
“You act like I’m asking you to give up everything. I don’t care what you do for school or if you go to school. I don’t care what you do for a job or if you have a job. All I care about is that, at the end of the day, you’re here at my side. Nothing will ever be right in my world if you’re not here.”
His words hit her heart, making it ache because she knew she couldn’t stay with him without giving up the last piece of herself she had left. And she also knew that he deserved for her to give up everything. But she couldn’t help holding back. Some of it was because of her past. The mistakes she’d made long ago. But some of it was because she was terrified of giving in to everything only to have it be ripped away and have nothing left to hold on to.
“I haven’t made a decision yet,” she finally breathed out.
He slammed his fist into the wall and she jumped.
“And I get no say in this even though it affects us?”
She couldn’t respond. She knew this had to be her decision. She knew she’d regret it someday if it wasn’t. If she let him convince her to stay. When she didn’t respond, he continued.
“All I want is you,” he said quietly, achingly.
God, it hurt PJ to hear him say it that way, but that was part of the problem. He thought he loved her. He thought he knew her. He thought he wanted her. And yet, she hadn’t even been honest with him about who she really was. About her past. He didn’t know the worst of her. He didn’t know, so he couldn’t really love her. All
of her.
She threw a hand out at the art in the room. The art that was supposed to be her. “I’m not this angelic saint you have pictured in your head and all over your studio.”
She took a deep breath and stepped farther away from him, trying to find the nerve to say the things she’d left unsaid. Finally, she raised her chin and met his eyes. “You don’t even know that I slept with ten guys in two years.”
His blue eyes filled with emotions. His normally emotionless face was a wave of them. Shock. Anger. But not the disgust she had thought she’d see. She didn’t know if that made her hopeful or regretful.
“See. Not an angel.”
“Were any of them after me?” he asked with a voice so barely controlled that PJ was slightly afraid.
“God, no.” PJ swallowed. “They were all in high school.”
The memories overtook her. The moment she’d heard the truth from her second boyfriend.
“Bella.”
“Stop. I need you to know. I want to tell you. I was so lost after moving to L.A. I was missing my parents and my old life. Justice and Locke, they were great, but I was full of regret that Justice had given up everything for me. I was looking for something to fill the hole that was burning up my insides. And I thought the first boy loved me. When he broke up with me, the second one stepped in to comfort me, and I thought that was better.”
She half expected Seth to pursue her, but he didn’t.
“Then, at a party, I heard them talking. My boyfriend and my ex. They were talking to a third boy, and he was upset because my boyfriend hadn’t broken up with me yet. He said it was his turn. He’d waited to lose his…V-card…and it was his turn.”
Seth’s anger was coming off him in waves again. She knew it was directed at the unseen boys, but she also knew it needed to be directed at her. Because she hadn’t risen to the occasion. No, she’d lowered herself down to it.
“I was hurt. Crushed. But I decided that if I was going to be passed around, that I’d be the one to decide who I got passed to. I walked in, broke up with the second boy, grabbed the third boy by the arm, and took him to a back bedroom where I let him…lose his…”
