Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

No. I don’t regret being rude at the pool. He was the rude one! Who cares if he’s my coworker? I’m working for Carmen. I can be civil to him, and I’ll just stay out of his way. If anything, it’s a good thing I stood my ground at the pool! Guys like him are just bullies. They need boundaries.

  Still, the way his eyes travelled up my body when he saw me made my heart skip a beat. What boundary is that? I’d set boundaries just to hope he tore them down.

  Yes, I definitely need to stay out of his way.

  I need to stay far, far away from those ocean-blue eyes. From those broad, strong hands. I close my eyes and all I can see is him standing next to the pool, with water dripping down every ridge and valley of muscle on his perfectly chiseled body.

  Fuck.

  I’m in trouble.

  I jump when someone says my name.

  “I’m Neil, from IT,” a tall young man says. His shirt is untucked and his tie is crooked. He nods to a laptop in his hands. “You want to get this set up?”

  I force a smile. “Sure.”

  His eyes are kind. They’re soft blue, and they have nowhere near the intensity of Martin’s gaze. He slides a chair over to my desk and opens the laptop. I take a deep breath to calm my frazzled nerves and inhale the scent of cheap aftershave. Neil smells like a teenager on a first date.

  He smiles at me, nodding to the screen. “Just choose a password and we can get started.”

  It takes a couple hours to get paperwork sorted out and to do a couple training sessions. I meet about a thousand people and I remember almost no one’s name. When I’m back at my desk, I sit down and try to catch my breath. First days are always overwhelming.

  Then, Martin appears around the corner and ‘overwhelming’ becomes the understatement of the century. He’s carrying a thick file under his arm. His long, purposeful strides ooze power. His eyes find mine, and my insides turn to warm goo.

  My heartbeat speeds up when I realize he’s heading straight towards me.

  “Carmen says she’s assigned you to the Guildford case.” He drops the file on my desk without preamble.

  “Oh?” I smooth my hands over my pencil skirt. “Okay.”

  He motions to the file. “Look through this paperwork. We’re expecting Guildford to submit a motion to dismiss, and we’re going to need to counter it. I need you to organize it as per the notes that I’ve made on the front page. We need the evidence grouped by type. I’ll need three copies of the file once it’s organized.”

  I nod. I guess Sanders & Perry is a ‘sink or swim’ kind of firm. I pull the file closer to me and Martin starts to walk away.

  “How’s your hand?”

  He pauses, glancing over his shoulder at me. “It’s fine. I need that by eight o’clock this evening.”

  I watch him walk away as anger starts to boil inside me. There’s no need to be so rude! I was just asking how his potential second-degree burn was doing. Fuck me, right?

  But I guess he’s the all-important rising star partner at the firm, and I’m just a lowly paralegal. That explains his attitude at the pool. He probably thinks he’s God’s gift to the world. Of course he would think he owns the parking spaces and the pool lanes. He thinks he owns the whole fucking city.

  And now I have to work with him. Lucky-fucking-me.

  I fume as I open up the file and start reading it. I haven’t done any paralegal work in almost eighteen months, and my nerves have been strained all week. When I start reading the file though, the familiarity of the work makes my shoulders relax. I can do this, and I can deal with stupid, arrogant, sexy-as-sin Martin Henderson like a professional.

  “He’s not as bad as he seems,” a voice says behind me. I turn to see a young woman about my age. She nods down the hallway. “Martin.”

  “He seems pretty bad.”

  She grins. “Try working for him.”

  “Are you a junior lawyer?”

  That makes her laugh. She shakes her head. “I’m his assistant. I’m the Donna to his Harvey,” she grins. “Minus the sexual tension.”

  “I’ve only seen a couple episodes of Suits,” I say. “But Harvey seemed like an asshole.”

  The woman extends her hand, grinning. “Kelly.”

  “Nicole.”

  “Here,” she says, putting a mug of coffee on my desk. “I don’t apologize for Martin often, but call it a peace offering.”

  “You should never apologize for anyone.” I take the coffee with a smile. “He’s a big boy, and if he wants to apologize he can do it himself.”

  She nods, chewing her lip. “If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell him I said it?” I nod, making a mental note not to share any of my own secrets with her. Does she even remember my name?

  Kelly takes a deep breath. “Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of his wife’s death. She was pregnant.”

  My eyebrows shoot up.

  Oh.

  Of all people, I know how he feels. I nod at Kelly.

  “I see.”

  “Don’t judge him based on this week.”

  “That seems fair. Thanks for the coffee.”

  “Anytime,” she says. “Let me know if you want to grab lunch sometime.” Her smile is genuine, and I feel myself relax ever so slightly. Maybe this place won’t be so bad, after all. As long as Mr. Big Shot stays out of my way.

  That’s unkind of me.

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Last Thursday was the one-year anniversary of Jack’s death, and I was a mess. I didn’t leave my bed the whole day. If Martin’s day yesterday was anything like mine last Thursday, he was going through hell.

  Except he went to work all day and then he had to deal with me being snarky and rude to him at the pool. He was probably just there for the same reason I was—to let off some steam and try to forget about how shitty life is.

  I sigh as embarrassment floods through me. I glance up towards Martin’s office and chew my lip. Should I say something?

  Then I remember his attitude when he walked away from me, and a wave of righteous anger floods through me. Even though he was going through something tough, it doesn’t mean he has to take it out on me! We’re all going through tough shit! Having a hard week doesn’t excuse being an arrogant ass about it.

  Complicated emotions battle in my heart. I want to be empathetic, but whenever I think of the scowl on Martin’s face, it just makes something else spark inside me. Anger and desire battle with compassion. The thought of him makes the fire inside me burn hotter than it has in months.

  So, instead of trying to figure out what’s going on inside me, I turn to the file and start working.

  For a moment, I stare at the pages and take a deep breath. If this is my first day and things have started so dramatically, maybe I should look for something else. All I want is a quiet job to pull in a decent paycheck. I just want to start paying off some of my debts until Jack’s life insurance money comes through.

  The last thing I need is drama. I don’t think my heart can take it.

  6

  Martin

  It’s just past seven pm when Nicole comes into my office. She has a big box in her arms and lifts it up slightly, questioning me with a look.

  “Put it down on the table there,” I say, gesturing to the coffee table that had Brianne’s lilies on it yesterday. Nicole drops the box down and pulls out one thick folder.

  “As requested, I organized the evidence chronologically and by client. Here.” She hands me a folder.

  I’m impressed. When I said I needed it by eight pm, I was exaggerating by about 24 hours. I didn’t think she’d actually finish it today. I push myself back from my desk and walk over to her. I take the folder she hands me and flick through it, nodding.

  “Good.”

  She shifts from foot to foot. “Looks like an interesting case. Guildford Media is huge. I had no idea they had so many complaints from employees.”

  “Our clients tell us that they’ve been keeping salaries capped and systematically pr
eventing anyone from moving up the ladder.”

  “Especially women.” She tilts her head to the side and glances at me. Her eyes are dark grey, with little flecks of brown in them. My gaze drops down to her lips and her tongue slides out to lick them. Something stirs in the pit of my stomach, and I clear my throat.

  “It certainly appears to be the case,” I say. I pull a couple more folders out of the box and bring them to my desk. It’s not until I sit down that I realize Nicole is still there. She’s staring at me, and then nods and turns towards the door.

  I watch her pause as she sees something on the floor next to the couch. She bends over, and I can’t help but notice the way her skirt stretches over her perfect, round ass.

  Shaking my head, I look down at the files. This is bad. Work is work, and sex is sex. The two do not meet in my world, ever. I went through six assistants before finding Kelly. They all figured when they threw themselves at me, I’d let them suck my cock and not expect them to do their job. Kelly’s the first one who hasn’t had any interest in anything more than a professional relationship.

  But now…

  I can’t resist looking up when Nicole stands up. She holds up a lily bloom.

  “It was next to the couch.” She shakes her head. “This place must have a thing for lilies. The smell is nauseating when you walk out of the elevators. I nearly quit on the spot when I walked in.”

  I arch my eyebrow and she grins, bringing the flower to my desk. She places it gently next to my computer monitor. A ring glints on her finger, and disappointment fills my chest.

  Of course she’s married.

  Poor fucker. I bet she’s a nightmare.

  Her fingers linger on the edge of my desk. “I was wondering what the stench in here was. I was worried it was you.” Her eyes sparkle as a grin twitches at the corners of her lips.

  I pick up the flower. My fingers brush hers and a current of warmth runs up my arm. Her eyes linger on mine as I look at the flower, and a blush creeps over her cheeks

  “I hate lilies too.” I finger the bloom, feeling its velvety soft petals between my fingers. My eyes flick to Nicole’s pink lips.

  “Yeah?”

  I nod. “My mom sent me these yesterday. I almost threw them out, but then I decided to bring them to the front desk.”

  Her mouth drops open and she nods, as if she understands everything. “I see.”

  Does she see? Does she know about Brianne? How could she know?

  “It’s a clever tactic.” She tilts her head to the side and grins. “Disarm people right when they walk out the elevator. They can’t think about settlements or negotiations when they’re worried about breathing through their nose.”

  I chuckle, placing the lily back down on my desk. I’d throw it out, but it feels wrong.

  I nod to the box on the table. “Good work today. I didn’t think you’d be able to do it.”

  Nicole rolls her eyes. “Oh wow, another man who underestimates my abilities and intellect. What else is new?” She shakes her head and walks towards the door. Her hand drifts up the door frame as she turns her head.

  “I’m going to the pool tonight.”

  My eyebrows lift up. “Okay…” Is that an invitation?

  “I’ll take Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday if you want Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

  Ah.

  I nod. “Sure.” Why is it that I’m tongue tied when she’s around? Maybe it’s because my tongue is too busy wondering what she tastes like. I watch her hips sway from side to side as she walks out the door and around the corner, and I let out a sigh.

  For the first time since Brianne died, a current of energy makes me sit up straighter. My hands tremble as I open the folders in front of me, and I frown to keep my vision focused.

  Every time I hear heels clicking on the floor outside my office, my ears perk up. Every time it’s a woman other than Nicole that walks by, disappointment creeps into my chest. I hate myself for it. I hate how weak I feel, how out of control I am today.

  Forty-five minutes later, Nicole walks by my door. She doesn’t look towards me.

  I take a deep breath and weave my fingers together behind my head. I lean back in my chair and stare at the ceiling, blowing the air out of my mouth.

  This is pathetic. I don’t even like her! She’s rude, snarky, and makes me feel like I’m a total asshole most of the time.

  I mean, I am an asshole most of the time, but when I’m around her I don’t enjoy it quite so much as usual.

  I stand up, slamming the folders closed. I rush to the elevator and head towards the underground parking lot. Jogging past my own car, I scan the parking lot for the beat-up Honda Civic. She’s just pulling out of her space, and I jog towards the end of the parking lot. Waving my arms, I run towards her car. My tie flips up over my shoulder and my black dress shoes slap on the cold concrete. She comes to a stop in front of me, frowning.

  My breath comes out in puffs in front of my face, but I don’t feel cold. There’s too much fire in my veins for that.

  She rolls her window down—yes, literally rolls it down—and sticks her head out the window.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do this.”

  She stares at me like I have three heads. I comb my fingers through my hair—maybe to make sure that I, in fact, only have one head.

  “You can’t do Monday-Wednesday-Friday?”

  “No! I mean this,” I point between her and me. “Banter and joking around. This is work, Nicole.” And you’re married.

  “I understand that,” she bristles. Her eyes narrow and she shakes her head. “You’re the one who came out here and ran after me, remember? I’ve done exactly what you’ve asked, and more. It’s my first day and I know the Guildford Media case almost as well as you do. If that’s not work what the fuck do you call it?”

  “I know. I just… Fuck, I don’t know.” My head is so fucked up. When I look at her, I see Brianne. Well, I don’t see Brianne, but I see a seed of her inside Nicole. They’re both headstrong and stubborn and able to stand up to me.

  Nicole shakes her head and taps on her horn three times.

  “Alright. Outta the way, Big Shot,” she snips.

  She rolls the car forward until she’s level with me. She stares at me for a few moments and shakes her head. Her eyes are blazing, and the laughter is gone from them.

  “I’m just here to collect a paycheck, nothing more.” She swallows. “If you don’t like me, I can stay out of your way. Maybe you can talk to Carmen about taking me off the Guildford Media case.”

  I nod. A lump forms in my throat. It’s not that I don’t like you, I want to tell her. It’s that I do like you.

  A smile twitches at her lips and she shakes her head. “You know, the minute you jumped out of your car in the pool parking lot, I knew you were crazy.”

  “Who are you calling crazy?”

  “Oh, gee, I don’t know. Maybe the man that ran after me to remind me that I’m here to do a job? The guy who’s standing in this freezing cold parking garage telling me that I need to focus? The guy who doesn’t know basic parking lot etiquette?”

  “I don’t know basic parking lot etiquette? Me? Are you fucking kidding me?”

  She rolls her eyes, shaking her head. When she looks at me again, her eyebrow arches.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Deadly.”

  She laughs humorlessly and gives me a little wave. “Don’t worry, Big Shot. I won’t bother you anymore, as long as you stop following me around.”

  My jaw drops open, but before I can respond she drives away.

  Idiot! What did that accomplish? All I did was make myself look like a total lunatic.

  Maybe she’s right. I’ll talk to Carmen in the morning and get her to give the Guildford Media stuff to one of the other paralegals. I’ll make up some excuse.

  I know one thing—I can’t be in the same room as Nicole under any circumstances.

  7

 
; Nicole

  I rage-swim until my body is exhausted. With every kick, every stroke, every breath, I just think about Martin’s stupid sexy scowl. Who is he to tell me that I need to take work seriously? Did he not see the amazing work I dropped on his desk this evening?

  Is this because I said lilies were dumb, stinky flowers? Maybe they suit his dumb, stinky face.

  I flip at the wall and kick off, gliding under water until my muscles burn and my lungs are screaming. I come up and swim faster than I’ve swam since before the accident. By the time my workout is over, my chest is heaving and my whole body feels tired. My back aches, and the pain runs down my side in deep throbs.

  I take a deep, painful breath. I went too hard.

  I’ll blame Martin for that, too.

  Pulling myself out of the water, I sit on the edge of the pool and catch my breath. I run my hands along my side, waiting for the familiar pulsing pain to stop.

  It eases more quickly than usual. I take a deep breath, filling up my lungs down to the very bottom. Usually, that would make my ribs ache down to the marrow, but this time it doesn’t. I take another deep breath, but pain doesn’t come back.

  Maybe I’m actually getting better.

  Maybe the pain that’s plagued me for a year is finally starting to ease off. It’s that agonizing physical reminder of everything that I’ve lost—the pain that continually reminds me that I, unfortunately, survived.

  I stare at the clock on the wall, spinning around and around as swimmers time their laps. Time marches on, and it doesn’t matter whether I’m in pain or not. Time doesn’t care about my pain, my body, or my grief. I stare at the clock until my skin prickles into goosebumps and I realize I’m cold.

  Pulling my goggles and swim cap off my head, I pad towards the change rooms. I glance towards the entrance, almost hoping to see Martin waiting for me.

  I shake my head.

  Why would I think that? Why would one of the partners at Sanders & Perry, Denver’s most prestigious law firm, be waiting for me to finish swimming? I snort at myself and head for the showers. It’s not until the hot water hits my cold skin that I start feeling like myself again. I stretch my body from side to side, feeling for any aches or niggles that might be hiding in the corners of my body.