Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

  “Fine. If she comes back, can you tell her I want to talk to her?”

  “Mmm,” Clarissa says, turning back to her screen. “I’ll get right on that.”

  I stare at the paralegal, slack-jawed. Three months ago, she would have been afraid to talk to me. She would have jumped when I told her to.

  Now?

  She’s been spending too much fucking time with Nicole.

  I stomp out of the office and head downstairs. I need some air. As soon as the fresh air hits my face, I take a deep breath. The sun is shining and a warm breeze washes over me, and I hate the weather for being nice. Pulling out my phone, I dial Nicole’s number.

  It goes straight to voicemail—she’s turned her phone off. I groan, staring up at the sky above me. The clouds passing by start to make me nauseous when Carmen’s voice appears by my ear.

  “Looking for a defense to bring to Judge Harkin?” She asks. “Don’t know if you’ll find it up there.” I look at her and snort, shaking my head.

  “Just needed some air.”

  “What from?”

  I sigh, shaking my head. “Nothing.”

  “Wouldn’t be from our young, sassy, smart-mouthed paralegal, would it?”

  I take a deep breath. There’s no point denying it, everyone knows that Nicole and I have been involved. We haven’t exactly been discreet about it.

  “Didn’t anybody ever tell you not to shit where you eat?”

  I glance at Carmen and snort. “What about that intern you were always working late with last year?”

  “Fuck off, Marty,” she grins. She looks at me, putting her hand on my shoulder. It’s weird to have actual physical contact with her.

  “You’re just doing your job, Martin,” she says. “Your job is to defend that little shit, Julian, to the best of your abilities. That’s why you get a paycheck. That’s why your parking spot is right next to the door. That’s why you can afford that fancy house you live in.”

  “I know, Carmen.”

  “So start acting like it.”

  I sigh and I stare at the clouds. Why did it have to be now, though? With that exact case? Right after I found out what I’ve done to Nicole?

  “I never thought you were so sentimental,” Carmen says. She grins at me, shaking her head. “You’re smitten.”

  “I’m not a teenage girl with a crush on a boy band.”

  “No, you’re a grown man who’s smitten with his employee.”

  “She’s not my employee.”

  “Another astute observation, Henderson. She’s not your employee. She’s my employee. And so are you.”

  I glance at her, nodding. “Yeah, yeah. I get it.”

  “I don’t think you do.” She squares her shoulders, looking me dead in the eye. Her eyes darken and I resist the urge to take a step back.

  “Carmen, I get it,” I say. My voice sounds stronger than I feel, and that pisses me off. I’m sick of feeling like this. Ever since Nicole walked into my life, everything has been off-balance. I can’t think straight, I can’t do my job.

  “Martin, you need to do your fucking job,” she says, her voice steady and cold. “I made you a partner at this firm. Don’t let that be a mistake.”

  She stares at me for a few moments and I sigh as she walks away. Her back is straight as an arrow, and she has her chin held high. Her hips sway with a purposeful, powerful movement with every stride. I stare after her as my face twists and the taste in my mouth turns to ash.

  I want to kick something, or punch something. I look at the cars parked in front of me and I wish I had the strength to flip them over. I’d take a baseball bat and smash every single fucking window.

  Instead, I just stand there, fuming. I curl my fists into balls as the steam blows out of my ears and nose.

  Yes, it’s my job. Yes, I’m going to do it. That doesn’t change the fact that I betrayed Nicole. I feel the walls around my heart start to build, brick by brick, until the warmth that Nicole brought into my life is all but snuffed out.

  No, Carmen is right. I can’t get sentimental. I can’t get distracted. If Nicole doesn’t like it, she can leave. I’ve made it this far without her—I made partner, I climbed the ladder, I became one of the most successful lawyers in Colorado.

  And I’m going to fuck that up for a woman? I’m going to throw that all away because the light in Nicole’s eyes reminds me of my dead wife?

  Get a fucking grip, Martin. Pull yourself together and remember what’s important here.

  Me. That’s what’s important. My career. My life. My salary.

  I’ll lose it all if I tell Nicole the truth. I’ll lose it all if I don’t take the case.

  If I don’t just Do. My. Job.

  My heart hardens as I take a deep breath. I glance up and down the road at the people walking by, oblivious to the torture going on in my mind.

  Turning back towards the office, my mind is made up.

  I choose my life. I choose my career. I choose Julian’s case.

  As I’m sucked through the building’s revolving door, a part of me stays outside, watching myself walk away. Another piece of my doomed heart dies, and I’m glad for it.

  23

  Nicole

  I pat my purse with my hand, knowing that my letter of resignation is sitting in there like an atomic bomb. I’m giving up my salary, my health insurance… and Martin.

  But is it really giving him up if I never had him to begin with? Maybe he was just using me. I wasn’t special, or different. I was convenient.

  Cracks spider over my heart and I take a deep breath. When I walk into the firm, I head straight for Carmen’s office. She’s already here, as usual. She’s always here. The woman works like no one I’ve ever met before. She’s strong and powerful and I respect her, but I just can’t work for her anymore.

  I pause before going in, taking a deep breath to steel myself. I remember Jenna’s calming words last night as she helped me compose my letter.

  “Do it for Jack, Nic,” she’d said. “Be true to yourself and honor his memory.”

  I take a deep breath and knock on Carmen’s door.

  “Come in,” she says. When I push the door open, she doesn’t look up. She’s scratching something down on her huge stack of papers, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose.

  I clear my throat. She looks up, sliding the glasses off her face and arching her eyebrows in surprise.

  “Nicole.”

  “Carmen, hi.” I clear my throat again, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. She gestures to one of the chairs across her desk. I sit down, holding my purse over my thighs. I take a deep breath, and Carmen folds her hands on her desk. Her gaze is unflinching, and she just waits for me to start.

  “First of all, I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Working here has been a great opportunity, and I’ve learned so much.”

  Start with something nice to soften the blow.

  Carmen leans back in her chair, still pointing those laser beam eyes at me.

  I take a deep breath and reach into my purse. “I’d like to hand in my resignation. I’ve put my last day as two weeks from today. I want you to know that it’s nothing personal, I’ve just decided that I need to focus on healing from the accident.”

  I slide the letter across the desk and Carmen looks at it for a brief moment. She tents her hands in front of her, tapping the pads of her fingers against each other.

  “What brought this on, Nicole?”

  She doesn’t make a move to touch the letter.

  I take a deep breath. Does she know about me and Martin? Probably. There have been enough whispers around the office, she’d have to be seriously out of touch not to know.

  “It’s not because of Martin, is it? That would be a real shame.”

  So she does know.

  I shrug and shake my head. I’m not really sure how to answer.

  Carmen takes a deep breath. “It would be a shame to lose such a valuable employee because o
f a… personal matter.”

  She thinks I’m a valuable employee? I stare at a spot on her desk and try to gather my thoughts. I didn’t think this would be so difficult. I thought I was sure, but now, with Carmen’s eyes stripping me bare, I’m not so sure.

  The door opens behind us.

  “I think I found a way to get Julian’s case thrown out,” Martin’s deep, husky voice starts. He stops when he sees me, his mouth hanging open. He glances at my face, and then Carmen’s. “I’ll come back.”

  He doesn’t look at me again before turning around and walking out of her office, and I know it’s over. If I didn’t know it before, I know it now. He chose the case. He chose himself. He chose to disregard everything I’ve told him about my husband and my accident.

  He’s never cared about me.

  I straighten my back and turn towards Carmen, sliding the letter of resignation towards her with my fingers.

  “Thank you for everything.”

  She sighs, reaching for the letter. She doesn’t open the envelope, she just taps it on her desk. She lays it aside and goes back to the stack of files beside her. She doesn’t look up when she speaks.

  “I’ll call security. You can empty your desk and they’ll escort you out.”

  My eyebrows shoot up. “I thought… two weeks… I didn’t…”

  “You’ll get two weeks’ pay from today. We have lots of confidential, sensitive case information. When someone quits or is fired, they need to be off the premises the same day. It’s protocol.”

  “Protocol, right,” I stammer. I clear my throat. “Well, alright.”

  Carmen looks up at me and I try to straighten my face. My eyes are misting, and I hate myself for it. I try to keep my chin up and hold her gaze. I bite my lip to keep it from trembling.

  I hate how weak I feel. I hate how I’m second-guessing myself, how I’m not sure, how I’ve let Martin worm his way into my life and ruin everything for me.

  Yet, here I am. Trying to stop myself from spilling tears in my boss’s office right after quitting. Carmen takes a deep breath, pushing herself up to stand. She extends a hand towards me. I take a tentative step towards her, and then shake her hand.

  Her handshake is firm, strong, unwavering. She looks me in the eye and dips her chin down.

  “If you need a recommendation, let me know. You are very good at your job.”

  “Thanks, Carmen,” I say. She nods, and then looks back at her work. I let myself out, closing the door softly behind me.

  By the time I get to my desk, there’s a security guard waiting for me. I nod to him. I take my favorite pen, and a picture of me, Jenna, and her family. I open my drawers and see bits and pieces of stationary, closing them back up one by one.

  In the bottom drawer, I pull out my workout bag with my swim cap and bathing suit. I sling it over my shoulder and then nod to the security guard.

  “All set?”

  “All set,” I answer.

  Clarissa comes around the corner with a coffee cup in her hand and her eyes widen.

  “What’s…?”

  “I handed in my resignation,” I explain. “This is protocol, apparently,” I motion to the security guard. He grunts.

  Clarissa sets her mug down and puts her hands on her hips. She sighs, shaking her head.

  “I was just starting to enjoy having you around,” she says, smiling. “What happened?”

  “Personal differences, I guess.”

  “Is this because of that bastard, Martin?”

  I snort, shaking my head. “I don’t even know anymore. Take care of yourself.”

  She wraps me in a hug, squeezing me close. With her arms around me, I feel like I’ve made the right decision. She nods to me.

  “Good luck.”

  I walk out with the security guard. I don’t stop him when he walks in the direction of Martin’s office. I don’t turn my head, and my steps don’t falter. I just keep walking, even though I can feel everyone’s eyes on me.

  The security guard escorts me to my car, and then I nod to him.

  “I’ll take it from here,” I say sarcastically. “You’ve been quite the gentleman.” His furry eyebrows draw together in confusion and I shake my head. “Never mind.”

  I get in my car and take a deep breath. When I exit the building, it simultaneously feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, and like my heart is being ground to a fine dust.

  I don’t know whether to laugh or throw up.

  Instead, I just head to the pool and try to swim my misery away.

  24

  Martin

  She doesn’t look at me when she walks by my office. I watch her walk by through the open doorway. Without realizing what I’m doing, I get up and stand in my doorway. I watch her walk proudly towards the elevators, with the oaf of a security guard standing next to her.

  He puts his hand on her mid back as they step into the elevator and a flash of jealousy courses through me. I want to rip his head clean off his neck for touching her perfect body. The elevator doors close and she’s gone, and my stomach turns. I feel sick.

  This is my fault.

  When the shock wears off, the agony sets in. My chest aches as I curl my fists into my hair. I double over at the waist, squeezing my eyes shut.

  When I straighten myself up again, agony is replaced with anger. It starts in my heart and spreads like venom through my veins. Soon, my anger carries me towards Carmen’s office.

  I rip the door open, letting it bang against the wall as I step through. It swings back behind me and I march towards her desk.

  “You fucking fired her? What did she do to you?” I lean over her desk. Carmen removes her glasses and stares at me placidly.

  “Answer me!” My voice is strained. My vocal cords feel like they’ve been rubbed with sandpaper. My pulse is quick and my blood feels hot and thick. Anger clouds my vision and Carmen’s silence only intensifies it.

  She stares at me for a few more moments. When she speaks, her voice is calm.

  “You’re out of line, Henderson.”

  “Fuck you!”

  “You’re out of line!” She shouts. My chest heaves as we stare at each other, and I try to register the shock of her yelling. I let out a sigh and kick one of her chairs, wincing as pain explodes through my toe.

  “This fucking DUI case! We shouldn’t even be defending that little shit bag!”

  “That little shit bag pays for your mortgage, Martin,” she replies icily. My breath rakes through my body, rattling my bones with every inhalation. I curl and uncurl my fists, staring at a blank place on the wall.

  “If you must know, not that I need to explain myself to you, ever,” Carmen says coolly, “Nicole quit.”

  I whip my head towards her, frowning.

  “What?”

  She lifts up a sealed envelope and waves it at me.

  “Seems to me like I should be asking you what the fucking problem is,” she says. She puts the letter down on her desk and I stare at it numbly.

  She quit.

  She’s gone.

  It’s over.

  If it wasn’t clear before, it’s crystal clear now. Nicole doesn’t want anything to do with me. She’ll put herself in financial hardship just to stay away from me.

  Pain pierces through me and I take a deep breath. I stand up taller.

  Good riddance. She was a distraction anyway. She got under my skin, and she didn’t deserve my attention. She was just a fucking paralegal. A fling.

  I nod to Carmen, stalking out without a word. I walk back to my office, but I can’t face working right now. Instead, I turn towards the elevators and I make my way to my car. My feet carry me without me knowing where I’m headed. The anger blazes through me, mingling with the strange, unfamiliar pain throbbing through my heart.

  Putting the car in gear, I race out of the lot. I let my instincts take me through the streets, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel when a red light dares to stop me. Gritting my teeth, I press o
n the accelerator as soon as it turns green.

  Before I know it, I’m outside Nicole’s apartment. There’s no time to analyze what’s going on. No time to think about what I’m doing, or why I’m here. I mash on the buzzer over and over, but there’s no response. An old woman shuffles out of the door, giving me a suspicious glare.

  “I’m one of Nicole’s friends,” I say, forcing a smile. She frowns at me but lets me pass. I take the stairs two by two, heading for her door. I bang on her apartment, yelling her name. I listen, but all I can hear is my own ragged breath and the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears.

  I lean my forehead against the door, sighing.

  “Nicole,” I say once more to the impassive door.

  “What are you doing here?” I jump when I hear her voice behind me. Her hair is wet, and her eyes are rimmed with the red imprint from her swimming goggles. She has a towel slung over her arm, with her work bag hanging off her shoulder.

  Her eyes are dark—almost black. They’re so far from the sparkling grey that I’ve learned to love. She stares at me until I speak.

  “Why did you quit?”

  “Why did you take the DUI case?”

  “Nicole…”

  “Can you please move out of the way?”

  I take a step aside as the anger flares inside me. Why won’t she just listen? Why can’t she just understand that this is my job, and I have to take whatever case Carmen gives me? I’m not doing this just to spite her. She shouldn’t have quit.

  She walks into her apartment leaving the door open, and I take that as an invitation inside. I step inside, closing the door behind me. She glances over her shoulder and takes a deep breath. Tossing her bag and towel over the back of a chair, she rakes her fingers through her wet hair and turns towards me.

  Nicole plants her hands on her hips, facing me with all the force of her righteous anger.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Don’t quit.” It’s not a request. She shouldn’t be quitting over something so trivial. Bullshit cases go through the firm all the time, and it’s our job to take them. She should know that by now. Why would she quit over this?