A Beautiful Mess

by Brenda S Anderson

  Gripping Erin’s hand, Mik also took her dad’s hand. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a brat lately. I didn’t mean it, I just . . . I wanted you and Mom to be back together like it used to be, and I know that was selfish.”

  “No, sweetie, it wasn’t selfish at all.” Erin squeezed her daughter’s hand. She wouldn’t allow her daughter to feel any guilt for wanting their family to be whole.

  “I promise to be a better daughter for Mom. Maybe I’ll even take out that paint set you gave me. Maybe I could paint the softball field, with you in the stands. What do you think of that? I’ll miss seeing you there. You were my biggest fan.” She kissed his cheek. “Love you, Daddy.”

  “Hey, Red.” Jon pretended to punch Corey in the shoulder. “You’ve got a lot of people loving on you here. Not one of us would object, though, if you sat up and said, ‘April Fools!’ Yeah, we’d freak out a bit, but then we’d all have a good laugh. But hey, if that’s not in your plans, I get it. You’ve got a chance to walk through those pearly gates, and man, you need to take it. There’s no more pain there. No mistakes. No heartbreak. I envy you, Red. Oh, and would you do me a favor? Check out all the hamburger joints. When I join you, we’ll share a Juicy Lucy together like old times. Love you, Red.”

  Oh, dear Jesus, how was she going to make it? By these tributes, one would think Corey was the best dad, son, friend out there. But he hadn’t been. Not at all. And now she was supposed to give him a glowing farewell? With everyone watching? Yeah, she meant what she’d told him a few minutes back, that she still loved him, but those words had exited and fled and new feelings had taken their place.

  “Just be honest, Pearl.” Jon whispered in her ear.

  She looked back at him, and he nodded. The family gathered in the room all gave their affirmation.

  “Well then.” She gripped Corey’s lifeless hand again. “What I said earlier about you being my best friend, and that I still love you. True. I’ve been bitter, and this new thing you dumped on me? Raising Clara?” She shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re thinking. How can I love her when all I’ll see is you? With Lilith. That’s not fair, Corey, and you know it. I’ll do my best, that’s all I can promise. I’m still going to miss you, you jerk. I’ve always missed you.”

  That was it. She couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t watch the doctors remove life support.

  She hurried from the room and strode down the hallway in search of a restroom, a place where she could have privacy to sort through her thoughts and try to figure out what she was feeling. All she knew was that her desire to start over again, to maybe have time for romance, had been squashed by her ex and his will. Sure, she was being selfish, but raising a child wasn’t like adopting a cat or a dog. It was a lifetime commitment she had no choice in, thrust on her.

  She found a restroom and locked herself inside a stall where no one could find her. She had to figure out a way around receiving custody of Clara. In their sixties, Corey’s folks wouldn’t want to raise a three-and-a-half-year-old, and his brother was too busy traveling the world to settle down with a child.

  What about Lilith’s parents? They came from money. They could easily afford a nanny and college and all that came with raising a child. And they were in their early fifties.

  Yes, they could do it.

  The only other option would be adoption, and that didn’t sit right with her. The sisters shouldn’t be separated that much.

  All she really knew was that she could not, she would not raise her ex-husband’s love-child. Clara deserved to be loved, and Erin couldn’t promise that.

  Once the funerals were over, she’d ask Jon how to sort through custody issues legally.

  Chapter Four

  Jon couldn’t remain in the room as medical personnel removed life support from his best friend. They’d said it could take hours or days before Corey finally went home. And there was no doubt anymore where Corey was headed. He’d become on fire for Christ in his last months.

  So why would God take him just as Corey had come to know Jesus? With his art, he could have made such an impact on the world.

  Jon wiped an arm over his eyes and nose. Now who would he have to shoot the bull with? The two of them could talk about anything, but then, they had been friends for over twenty years, almost two thirds of his life.

  Along with Erin. The 3 Sixlets. Jon shook his head. They’d made a great team until Corey messed everything up.

  Wait. Where was Erin? He looked up and down the empty halls, then jogged to the waiting room. Empty. She’d left the hospital room before him. Where would she go? He dug out his phone and scrolled through the numbers until he found one he hadn’t called in too long, and pressed Call.

  It went to voice mail.

  A curse word flitted through his head as memories from nearly four years ago replayed like a movie in his brain. He had to find her. Now.

  He hurried back toward the hospital room and found Corey’s folks and his daughters in the hallway. There wasn’t a dry eye among them. The last thing he wanted to do was worry them more, but he had to find Erin.

  Panting, he blurted out, “Do you know where Erin went?”

  The Beldens exchanged a look, then both shook their heads.

  “Haven’t seen her since she said goodbye to Corey.” Henry’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t suppose . . . ”

  Jon gulped, grateful Henry didn’t finish the sentence. Jon knew what he referred to. “I hope not.”

  Mik mumbled something.

  “What was that, dumpling?” Henry placed a meaty hand on his granddaughter’s shoulder.

  “Bath. Room.” She enunciated between sniffles. “She always hides in the bathroom when she wants to be alone.”

  He should have known. That was exactly where he’d found her almost four years ago. He looked up and down the hallways checking for signage, but saw nothing, so he ran to the nearest nurses’ station. “Where’s the nearest restroom?”

  A young man in scrubs laughed. “Gotta go that bad, huh?”

  He growled back. “Just tell me where it is.”

  “Down the hallway and take a left.” He gestured to his right. “Some people have no sense of humor.”

  Jon barely heard the words as he took off. He turned the corner and found a restroom. For men. He almost swore out loud this time. Where . . . ? He turned in a circle.

  Behind him. Duh!

  He banged on the women’s room door.

  No answer, not that he expected one.

  He banged again. “Erin, if you’re in there, please answer me.”

  Still quiet.

  This time, the curse word slipped past his lips. God would forgive him. Just as He’d forgive Jon barging into the ladies’ room.

  “Then I’m coming in.” He pushed open the door. There were three stalls, and only the door to the handicap stall was closed. “Erin, you better speak now or I’m—”

  “I’m here, all right? Can’t a women pee in peace?”

  Whew.

  “I was . . . worried.”

  The toilet flushed over his declaration, then the door flung open. “No need to worry.” She stepped past him to the sink.

  No surprise, Erin’s eyes weren’t wet. Her face wasn’t flushed red with grief, although he knew she felt it. She just felt it deeper than most and couldn’t always identify what she was feeling, not until it spewed out like a volcano releasing pent-up gasses and lava. Her release was just as volatile and dangerous.

  “You’re okay?” He looked over her shoulder, into the mirror, as she washed her hands.

  “Do you make a habit of entering women’s bathrooms?” She brushed past him to the self-starting dryer.

  Same obstinate woman she’d always been.

  “Only when I’m concerned about you,” he said once the dryer shut off.

  “Concerned about me?” She slapped a hand to her forehead. “Now you’re concerned about me? Then where have you been the last four years when I’ve needed you?”


  “I . . . ” He couldn’t answer. Not here. Not this way.

  “Yeah. Just as I thought.” She fled from the room, leaving him standing there, wanting to chase after her, tell her he’d wanted to be there for her, but he couldn’t. Not on that day almost four years ago. Since then, avoiding her had become easy.

  But now, with Corey about to meet Jesus, with this crazy—but correct—change in custody for Clara and his promise to Corey, he couldn’t avoid Erin any longer. They’d be working together tightly for the next months as they straightened out the matters of Corey and Lilith’s estate. The will was straightforward, but when it came to legal matters, the cogs turned slower than a sloth at the DMV.

  In the meantime, he had something even less fun to worry about: meeting with the social worker and Erin to send Clara home.

  The door to the bathroom opened, tearing him from his reverie. His gaze collided with a twenty-something woman whose eyes grew round as quarters.

  “Uh, I’m s . . . sorry.” She backed out.

  Idiot. He hurried from the restroom, threw a hasty apology to the young woman, and retreated to the waiting room where he found Clara clinging to Joyce, Mik slumping, Henry probably in with Corey. No sight of Erin. Why wasn’t he surprised?

  Sophie, his date from last night, had also arrived, but in the capacity of county social worker here to relay the “good news” to Erin that Clara would get to go home with her. He’d already cleared that with Sophie, but not Erin. Oh, that was going to go over like turkeys dropped from a helicopter.

  Now to convince her that Clara living with her was the best thing for all involved.

  Especially Erin.

  Once he found her. Again.

  * * *

  At times like this, Erin wished she liked coffee. She sipped at her Pepsi, willing the caffeine to kick in and wake her up from this nightmare, but the antiseptic sterility of the hospital hallways told her otherwise. So, since this was her new reality, she’d better figure out how she was going to deal with Clara.

  No. She’d worry about Clara tomorrow. Or the next day. Right now, she needed to take her daughter home and hold her and hopefully get some sleep. Mik was so much like her father in that she needed that touch to show she was loved, where touch only added to Erin’s stress.

  No doubt, that was one of the things that had driven Corey away.

  Tomorrow she’d give Debbie a call to help unpack her feelings. And then she could find a solution for Clara.

  The hallway spilled into the waiting room, and she immediately searched for Mik, but her gaze slid to Jon having an intimate conversation with an elegant-looking woman. His date from last night, maybe? She’d love to see Jon find someone, even though he’d long ago claimed the life-long bachelor title. That could always change. Or, as far as she knew, maybe it had already changed. While Corey had often mentioned Jon in casual conversation over the years, he hadn’t expounded on their friend’s love life.

  She hurried past the couple, sat by Mik, and wrapped an arm around her daughter’s back. Mik leaned into her, and Erin felt tiny shudders from silent tears. Corey never really knew how much his little girl loved him, how she looked up to him, how she’d desperately longed to have him back in her life full time.

  “I’m so sorry, Sixlet.”

  Mik’s shuddering stopped, her head angled toward her shuffling feet. “I always liked that nickname.” She sounded like Erin’s baby girl again, not the angst-ridden, anger-driven teenager.

  “I know, baby, I know.” Erin stroked her daughter’s silky chestnut-brown hair.

  She sniffled. “But I was such a brat to him, and now . . . ”

  Erin kissed Mik’s forehead. “And he loved you regardless. You were so precious to him.”

  “Then why . . . ” Mik shook her head. “Forget it.”

  No, she wouldn’t forget it. Mik deserved an answer to her question. Assuming her daughter was wondering why her father left them, Erin explained as best she could without putting Corey down. That had always been her goal, but she’d failed too often. “Remember that just because we’re adults, doesn’t mean we don’t act stupid or childish or selfish. I hope you’ll forgive your daddy . . . and me. We both should have been better examples. I promise to try harder.”

  “I do too. Pinky swear?” She held out her right-hand pinky, and Erin hooked her own pinky around it.

  “Pinky swear.” In Mik’s book, that carried more weight than swearing on the Bible. Erin sealed the promise with another kiss to the forehead. “What do you say about going home and getting some sleep? It’s going to be a long few days coming up.”

  “That’s a good idea.” Jon suddenly hovered above them, alongside the elegant woman who now held a sleeping Clara in her arms. Erin had been so immersed in her conversation with Mik, she’d completely shut out the rest of the world. Something she excelled at doing. Another thing Corey had disliked about her.

  Had Jon and this woman been a thing for a while? Clara looked awfully cozy with them.

  Wait. Maybe that was her answer! Maybe Jon was going to marry Miss Elegant, and they could adopt Clara and live happily ever after! Jon would make certain that Mik and Clara spent lots of sister time together. They could even have barbeques together and act like one big family. Yeah, that would work.

  Maybe they were already officially a thing. Erin glanced at the woman’s ring finger. Empty, but that didn’t mean anything nowadays when so many were ignoring long-held traditions.

  Erin stood and offered her hand to the woman. “I don’t believe we’ve met. You’re a good friend of Jon’s?”

  The woman smiled up at him, and he shared the glance, one Erin couldn’t interpret, not that that was unusual.

  “We go way back and have worked together frequently.” The woman took Erin’s hand. “Sophie Nichols. I’m the social worker assigned to Clara.”

  Oh. “So, you aren’t together?”

  The two laughed as if she’d told the funniest joke.

  And that awoke Clara. The child looked up at Sophie and her lower lip started to tremble. A crying child was the last thing this tired group of people needed, so Erin reached out for the child who eagerly came to her and wrapped her arms around Erin’s neck.

  The couple shared a glance that communicated something else Erin couldn’t understand.

  Then Sophie gave Jon’s hand a quick squeeze. “I allow him a sympathy date now and then when he needs a plus-one, but I’ve known him long enough to realize the two of us wouldn’t last any longer than a Minnesota summer.”

  Jon shrugged. “She’s right.”

  Well there went that plan.

  Sophie gave Jon a side hug, like a sister would, darn it. “Unfortunately, there’s only one woman for this guy, but she’s clueless.”

  Interesting. Erin tapped her chin while lightly swaying with Clara on her hip. Maybe her plan wasn’t foiled yet. “Then maybe you and I need to get together for a cocoa date to discuss this mystery woman.”

  “Don’t you dare.” He skewered Sophie with another indecipherable look. It almost felt like people were talking behind her back. “I’ll have you both know that my bachelorhood remains firmly intact, and I plan to keep it that way.”

  Both women laughed. Oh, it felt good to do that.

  But now it was time to go home and let Mik cry on her shoulder. She adjusted Clara to the other hip and then reached down to touch her daughter’s arm. “Let’s get going, Sixlet.”

  “Actually, Michaela.” Jon set a hand on Mik’s shoulder. “Sophie and I need to talk privately with your mom for a moment, then I’ll bring you all home.”

  Oh, that’s right. She hadn’t even considered that she didn’t have transportation home. Her brain was still on retreat.

  And what did Jon and the social worker need from her at this moment? “Can’t it wait?” Her gaze slid from Jon to Sophie. “It’s been a really long day.”

  Sophie touched Erin, who flinched. “I’m afraid it can’t wait. It’s about Clara.”
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  Now that woke her up. Taking care of Clara was priority number one. Keeping the awake-one-moment-and-sleeping-the-next child on her hip, she followed the couple down a hallway to an empty waiting room. They weren’t sending Clara to some foster home, were they? She hugged Clara tighter. Henry and Joyce may not want permanent custody of their granddaughter, but they would be glad to take her in until custody was established.

  Jon and Sophie sat side by side, and Erin took a chair kitty-corner to them. She’d voice her opinion before they had a chance to offer something foolish. “If your thoughts are about shipping Clara to some foster home, forget it.”

  Sophie touched her again, and Erin did her best not to react. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  Oh, good. “She’ll be staying with Henry and Joyce, then?”

  “Actually.” Sophie folded her hands on her lap. “The number-one priority for us is the well-being of the child.”

  “Right.” Erin kissed the child on her forehead where a single bandage was attached. “And I can’t think of anyone better than her grandparents.”

  “They would be good, yes, but there’s someone better.” Jon bore his gaze into her so hard that she felt as if he’d pressed her into the chair.

  “What do you mean?” Her words came out small, quiet as she clung to the child like a shield. She might not be good at reading non-verbal communication, but she wasn’t a dummy.

  They wanted her to bring Clara home.

  “Erin.” His gaze still had her pinned. “You’ve been her primary babysitter. She knows you better than her grandparents.” He nodded to the girl. “Obviously, she feels comfortable with you. Corey always said no one was better with kids than you.”

  He did, did he? Would have been nice to hear from his lips.

  “He and Lilith also agreed that one of the smartest things they’d done was to change their will to give you custody.”

  Erin certainly wouldn’t call it smart. This child needed someone who would love them unconditionally. That could never be Erin.