A Beautiful Mess

by Brenda S Anderson

  That wisdom usually came from the Bible. She dug out her phone from her front pocket, brought up a Bible app, and searched for verses on grief. No surprise, many of the verses were found in the Psalms. They talked about turning your burdens over to God, that He’s near to the brokenhearted, that joy will eventually come.

  Then she turned to Matthew 5:4

  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

  They shall be comforted . . . How true! Simply reading His word was a comfort. It calmed her heart and her thoughts, if not Clara’s cries. For her, it was better than a hug. Well, to her, most anything was better than a hug.

  But for Mik, that was different. Unlike her mother, and so much like her father, Mik yearned for hugs, so that was exactly what Erin would give her, assuming the old credit card trick would work on Mik’s door.

  She retrieved a card from her wallet then slid the card between the door and the jamb and pushed on the deadlatch, forcing it back inside the knob mechanism. Keeping the card in place, she tried the knob. Yes! It turned.

  She knocked again before pushing open the door.

  Mik sat on the bed wide-eyed and stunned into silence. “How . . . ?”

  “My secret.” Erin hid the card in her pocket. No doubt, Mik would learn tricks of her own soon. “Because you need this.” Erin waded across the clothes-strewn room, sat on her daughter’s bed, and enveloped Mik in her arms.

  The teen stiffened, probably surprised that her mom was the one initiating the hug, then melted into it. Followed by sniffles and heaving sobs.

  Erin remained silent and just stroked her daughter’s chestnut-colored hair that was similar to her own. The cries from across the hall also quieted.

  “I miss him.” Mik said between sobs.

  “I know, baby, I know.”

  “And I’m angry at him.”

  Me, too.

  “I feel like my life is falling apart.”

  Exactly.

  “And I don’t have anyone anymore.”

  Now that one hurt, probably an intentional arrow to the heart, but Erin held tight to her daughter trying not to show the arrow had hit its mark.

  The doorbell rang and, startled, Erin dropped her arms to her side.

  Mik started laughing amid sniffles and wiped a hand over her eyes and nose. “You should see your face.”

  Erin smiled and tapped her daughter’s chin. “I love you, Sixlet.” Then she got up and hurried to the door. She peeked through the spy hole. Zax! Not caring what she looked like, she threw open the door.

  “Hey, Pearl.”

  “Come on in.”

  “Uncle Zax!” Mik sped into her uncle’s arms, nearly knocking him over.

  “Hey, Six, ever think of trying out for football?”

  “Yeah.”

  And she had. She wasn’t happy that it was a boys-only sport at her school.

  “Of course.” He put an arm on her shoulder but looked at Erin. “How about I take my favorite nieces out for ice cream?”

  “Yes!”

  Erin could have kissed him for that offer. “That would be lovely.”

  “But Clara’s asleep. You should just take me.”

  Not happening. “Clara’s in her bed, but not sleeping. I’ll get her.” A twinge of guilt gnawed at her for that lie as she hurried to the nursery, while listening to Mik try to barter with her uncle. Yes, Clara was in the toddler bed, but Erin had no idea if the child was asleep or not. In another minute, she wouldn’t be because Erin was not going to turn down this opportunity for alone time.

  She opened the door and was relieved to see Clara sitting up, her thumb firmly ensconced in her mouth, while hugging Chomper. She didn’t move when Erin entered, likely her way of showing she was angry. That would change in roughly two seconds.

  “Lolli, how would you like to go out with Uncle Zax for ice cream?”

  “I wuv ice cream!” The child jumped up and held her arms in the air.

  Erin took Clara’s hand, and the child leaped from the bed. “Uncle Zax must have known you like ice cream. He’s taking you and Mik out.”

  “Yippee!” The child skipped from the room, and ran to her uncle, who scooped her up in his arms, then threw her in the air.

  “How’s my favorite Lollipop?”

  “I yummy!”

  “You are? Let me see?” He kissed her cheek. “Why, yes you are. You’re the yummiest niece I have.”

  The child beamed with the praise. “I wike ice cream.”

  “Well, isn’t that a coincidence? Mik and I like ice cream, too. You want to come with us?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Well, you’ve just made my day.” He kissed her cheek again. “But I’m guessing you probably should go potty before we go.” He set her down and patted her bum as she scurried off toward the bathroom.

  His ease with his nieces made Erin a wee bit jealous. “You are so good with them.”

  “What can I say?” He blew on his fist and rubbed it over his heart. “Women adore me.”

  “And your humility astounds me.”

  “As does your sarcastic wit, Pearl. Glad to hear you’ve still got it.”

  “Ha ha.”

  He grinned and it was easy to see why women adored him. Growing up, she’d had a massive crush on him as well until she realized that his arrogance was just a cover for his insecurities. He was more like a big brother to her now.

  He laid a hand on Mik’s shoulder. “Is it okay if I treat Six to a movie afterwards?”

  “Depends on the movie.” She eyed her daughter, who begged to see shows inappropriate for her.

  He named the title, and Erin gave approval. “I think that’s just what Mik needs.”

  And just what I need, too.

  “Thank you,” she said, as gently as possible, hoping to convey her true gratitude.

  “I’ll always be here for you, Pearl.”

  “I know.” Except for when you’re across the ocean, she wanted to add, but didn’t want to wreck the moment, grateful that he was here today. She’d take what she could get.

  And with both girls gone, maybe she’d actually get some calling done and add to her client list.

  Chapter Twelve

  After making seven calls that ended with “No, thank you,” she finally got a “Maybe.” Tomorrow afternoon, she’d meet with Attorney Vanessa Martin. Hopefully, a face-to-face would sell the service. Hopefully, the fact that they were both women would help. She made three more calls, and on the third got another, “Meet with me on Monday.”

  Yes! She pumped a fist, celebrating the small victories.

  But now she had to find a babysitter for tomorrow. That wasn’t something she wanted to force on Mik right now. She tried the Beldens, but they had a commitment. She thought about trying the Caldwells, but they were busy planning a funeral for Friday. She tried Debbie, but she was working. That left Zax. But she was already leaning on him today. Maybe Jon? Nah, he definitely was too busy.

  It wasn’t as if she had a slew of babysitters in her contacts. She was Clara’s babysitter.

  When Zax dropped off the girls, she’d ask him, plead with him.

  She yawned and realized how exhausted she felt. It seemed she’d been going non-stop for days. With the girls still gone, maybe she could sneak in a short nap. What a luxury that would be!

  Her soft bed called to her, and she listened, covering up with an afghan Joyce had crocheted for her after Corey left. She closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come, but her mind kept drifting to her nightstand and the journal hiding there.

  Don’t do it, Erin. You’re having a good day, and this could ruin it.

  Erin shoved away the voice, drew out the journal, and dove into Corey’s thoughts:

  __________

  July 10, 2014

  I met someone today. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not having an affair. I wouldn’t do that to Erin or Mik. I’m not that kind of man.

  Sure, things aren’t great
right now. Erin’s always nagging. Wants more free time. Wants me to do more to help her around the house. Make a meal now and then. Really? What does she do all day? How hard can it be to watch an eight-year-old? And Mik is well behaved. The house should sparkle when I get home. I shouldn’t have to support the family and cook supper too. My dad never had to cook.

  So, yeah, I told Erin I was taking an accounting class every Thursday night, so I can go to the gallery. Told my folks too, just in case Erin brings it up to them. Just as long as they don’t find out the truth. Honesty was always stressed in our family, especially being accountants, and I’ve never been a liar. Besides, my attitude is always better after a trip to the gallery. That should count for something, shouldn’t it?

  Anyway, back to meeting someone. Lilith’s the education coordinator for the gallery, so she helps educate the community about art. How cool is that? Our area needs more teaching about art. More appreciation so we creatives don’t feel ashamed for using our gifts.

  She’s the first person in a long time I talked to about my desire to paint. She didn’t put me down or roll her eyes when I told her about a mixed-medium idea I’ve been envisioning. No, Lilith got excited about the idea and encouraged me to follow through, to follow my heart. She can’t wait to see what I create.

  Erin used to love what I created.

  She will again.

  And that will get our marriage back to where it belongs.

  __________

  Erin returned the book to its hiding spot and sat numbly on the bed.

  She’d been nagging.

  Hadn’t listened to his dreams.

  Had stopped loving his art.

  Had the affair been her fault?

  The home’s front door opening shook Erin from her thoughts. She’d played the I-blame-myself game when Corey had first left her, but Debbie had convinced her the only person to blame for cheating was the cheater.

  She massaged her wrist over the tattooed word, Lulu, as she hurried to the living room that was suddenly filled with laughter. When was the last time she’d heard that amazing sound in her home?

  She entered the living room in time to see the two girls hog pile their uncle, with his face to the ground. To much of the world, Zax came across as vain, but the world didn’t see this side of him. He loved his nieces, would do anything for them, and they adored him. To be honest, she could add herself to the adorers list, especially right now.

  “I give! Uncle!” He feigned pain as he raised his head and caught her watching them. A single eyebrow raised.

  What did he mean by that?

  The two girls seemed to notice her at the same time, and the giggling stopped. They slid off their uncle’s back and onto the floor, keeping their gaze on her as if they were expecting a reprimand. Was she that harsh of a mother?

  “Hey, ladies.” Zax pushed himself up into a sitting position and nodded toward Erin. “How about the two of you give us adults a moment?”

  “Then you and I go to a movie?” Mik stood and clasped Clara’s hand.

  “Only if it’s still okay with your mother.”

  Mik did an eye roll that other teens would be jealous of. Even Erin knew what that meant. Mom was a fun-assassin.

  Tension returned to her wrist, and she rubbed.

  “You okay?” Zax stood, his gaze anchored on her wrist, and nodded to the couch.

  “I’m fine.” She dropped her arms to the side, but his gaze didn’t lose its intensity. “I said I’m fine.” She plopped down on the rocker and glared at him as he sat on the edge of the couch.

  “Just making sure. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  He’s concerned, Erin, and he just lost a brother. Give him some slack. “For you, either.”

  “No, it’s not. I wish I hadn’t been so awful to him the last few years, that I would have attempted to forgive him, reconcile. And now, I’ll never have the chance.” He looked away but couldn’t hide his sniffle.

  This was where emotive people would instinctively reach out and offer a hug. The action certainly wasn’t natural to Erin, but she got up and sat by him on the couch and spread an arm around his back. He quickly turned into her arms and gave her a full hug as tears wet her shoulder.

  “I was so awful to him, Pearl, after he . . . “

  Cheated on her and left her. She’d filled in that blank enough over the last years that it came naturally.

  “I should have forgiven him.” He released the hug and looked at the floor. “He’s my brother, and I treated him like dirt. Even when he reached out and apologized, I treated him like he was a pariah.” He squeezed the back of his neck with both hands, a stress trait he shared with Corey. “And now, I can never make it right. How do I live with myself?”

  As she would have done for Corey, she pulled down on one of his arms and then massaged his neck for him. “As you showed in the video at the funeral, Corey reaffirmed his faith.” Faith that had gotten buried beneath work and parenting and money woes during the marriage. Had that been her fault, too? “You’ll see him again, and you can tell him how much you love him.”

  Zax released a nervous laugh. “Only if Jesus lets me in.”

  “You believe, Zax, I know you do.”

  “I guess.” He shrugged, followed by a sniffle. “I’m just not a fan of His restrictions.”

  “Those restrictions are there for a reason,” she said far more sharply than she intended.

  “Oh, man, I’m sorry, Pearl. Yeah, you’re right, of course. Corey wasn’t a fan either and that ended up hurting everyone.”

  “And I didn’t mean to snap.”

  “Right now, we’re all out of sorts.” He slapped his knees then drew an arm across his nose. “Well, I promised Six I’d take her to a movie. That still okay with you?”

  “She’s expecting it. As long as you take her to the movie you mentioned earlier, you’re good. She loves spending time with you.” Which reminded Erin she needed to ask another favor of Zax. “Speaking of which, I really need a babysitter for tomorrow afternoon. I have a potential client interview.”

  “Oh, man, I would, but I have to work on my upcoming story tomorrow—I’m going to Israel for Holy week.”

  “Israel? That should be interesting.”

  “It is. It’s part of a year-long series I’m working on, Walking Through the New Testament. I’m presenting it through a secular lens. The boss is getting after me to get him my plans for the week. Then tomorrow night I have a date.”

  “A date.” Why wasn’t she surprised? “Anyone I know?”

  “Jon’s assistant, Gina Holmquist. I met her at the funeral, and we hit it off.”

  Erin shook her head. Only Zax would find romance at a funeral. “Let me guess, tall, blonde, and leggy?” She described the woman she’d seen beside Jon at the funeral.

  “So, you do know her?” He grinned.

  “No, but I was hoping maybe she and Jon were together.”

  He laughed. “First thing I asked her, and she laughed at me. Said Jon has one love, and that’s the law. Anyone who can break through that will be a miracle maker.”

  “Don’t you know anyone you could set him up with?”

  He raised both hands. A stop sign.

  That she understood. “But you have to know someone who would be—”

  “I don’t like getting set up, and I don’t do matchmaking. End of subject.”

  Fine. “Well, someone will nab him. He’s a good catch.”

  Zax raised his brows. What did he mean by that? That was a gesture she never could decipher because it always seemed to mean something different.

  Maybe Law was the mystery woman in Jon’s life. That would make sense, as he did love his work more than anything else, it seemed.

  She wasn’t about to ask Zax for clarification, though. It was better to move on to another subject. “I need a miracle for tomorrow, or I’ll be taking a child with me to my appointment.” Or she could only hope that since the appointment was with a female attorne
y, the woman would be compassionate toward Erin if Clara did come with her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Erin jabbed at the End Call button on her phone. No one could watch Clara while she talked to a potential client. No one. Out of desperation, she’d even tried Gina, Jon’s legal assistant.

  They both laughed over that.

  So that left her with two lousy choices: postpone the appointment or take Clara with her. As she was dealing with a female attorney, someone who might understand and empathize with the plight of a single parent, she chose the latter.

  While Clara fussed in her room, Erin prepared for her appointment, dressing in a charcoal gray suit with a pencil skirt and light-grey, pullover satin blouse. Professional, yet flattering. She hoped, anyway. It wouldn’t be enough to cover up the fact that she’d have a three-year-old child in tow, but that couldn’t be helped.

  She just prayed that Clara would get over her whininess and play quietly like she used to do before her entire life was uprooted. Erin would fuss, too. Oh, who was she kidding? She was whining!

  Time to pull up her big-girl panties and deal with what life threw at her, stop fretting about what she couldn’t change, and work at making a difference where she could.

  She filled the diaper bag with treats and toys then went to retrieve Clara from the nursery. Naturally, she was now sleeping, with her mouth feverishly sucking on her thumb. The poor thing needed some stability in her life.

  Erin bent over and picked up the child who immediately wound her arms around Erin’s neck. Little sniffles shook her body. Even that dug into Erin’s feelings and made her heart ache for the child. After this meeting was over, Erin would devote the rest of the day to Clara, like she used to do with Mik.

  Erin helped her dress in clothes warm enough to wear outside without adding a jacket. It was hard to believe that just a few days ago, the deadly blizzard had blanketed the area. Now today, temperatures were supposed to be in the fifties. If only the weather had been like this last Friday.