Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  Ashamed at his slow progress, Gargle scooped up the notebook and placed it on Mr. Tucker’s desk. The Teacher snatched it up and squinted at the meticulous handwriting. Slowly his scowl began to fade. He flipped the page, and then again, and again. When he finally reached a blank page he said, “You answered six of these?”

  Gargle felt a new emotion. Shame. He had been too slow. He vowed to improve. “I was having some difficulty writing. I shall try harder next time.”

  “This is genuinely impressive. Tell me, why haven’t you shown this level of competence before?”

  Gargle swallowed down a bout of panic. It hadn’t occurred to him that Josh may not be capable of solving such basic equations. There was no recovering now; he had demonstrated competence, and reverting to an idiotic state was only going to cause more questions. He had to continue down this path. “I have been practicing for my exam,” was all he could think of as a reason.

  “I see. I understand the crushing weight of peer pressure, the overwhelming desire to fit in. I also know that things have not been easy for you at home. I mistook your bad attitude for a lack of understanding, but now I see it for what it truly was. You were bored! I almost feel bad about what I said in your report card.” Mr. Tucker was smiling now, his face beaming. He took another look at the textbook. “This is quite remarkable, your answers to question 2 and 5 are more optimized than the answers in the book. Do you mind if I share these with my colleagues?”

  “Of course. Go ahead.” Whatever he could do to help this species improve on their foundations. He added, “What time is my detention?”

  “What? Oh never mind about that. Just promise me you won’t hide your talent again.”

  “I promise,” Gargle replied, deep in thought.

  Perhaps he had been going about this whole thing wrong the entire time.

  ***

  Josh’s Ticket Buster darted behind the Litigator, using it as a makeshift shield just as the missiles impacted, doing major damage. Josh let out a cheer. “How long is left on my sentence?”

  “After the damage you have caused? Only 20 years.”

  “Still not good enough. We have to take the Litigator down once and for all, which means I have to take some damage. I’m sorry, but if I stop attacking to dodge then I may not have enough time. I promise I will find a way to make it up to you.”

  The sloth was fully caught up in the moment. “To heck with it, do what you have to. The G.C. have been beating me up every day for years. It’s about time someone taught them a lesson.” A wide grin spread across its face with the speed of molasses.

  The Litigator wobbled on its feet. Its main weapon was incapacitated and several core systems were damaged, but the fight wasn’t over. True to form, Jax piloted it towards the blue orb, ready to curb stomp a few more years onto Josh’s sentence. The wrecking ball dragged limply along the floor behind it.

  “Not today, buddy!” Josh said as he charged straight at the huge mech, sword raised, his boosters still stuttering.

  “You’re at 2% booster fuel,” the sloth informed him.

  “That will have to be enough.”

  As he was about to bring down his energy sword and finish off his opponent, a Ticket Buster crashed into him, causing the attack to miss and doing considerable damage. He tried again, only to be hit the other way by the second Ticket Buster. They stood shoulder to shoulder, blocking his path, and started to pelt him with Blaster fire. He didn’t have time to fight both of them, which only left one option.

  Josh launched his mech into the air, and as the Ticket Busters leapt to intercept him he boosted down at the ground, landing before they did and running straight under them. He plunged the sword into the Litigator’s exposed back just as it was about to crush his orb underfoot. It twitched, and then exploded. Mech parts rained down across the arena as the buzzer sounded to signal the end of the trial.

  Josh jumped to his feet and waited patiently while his lawyer did the same. Then they hugged. His lawyer said, “That was some of the finest mech piloting I have ever seen. Where did you learn to fight like that?”

  “Mostly arcades.”

  “Never heard of it, is that a city or a planet?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Well, wherever it is, I hope you get back there as fast as you can. The Galactic Corp will have you in their sights now, and they will not rest until they have had their revenge.”

  “What about you?” Josh said, already feeling guilty for having completely destroyed this poor lawyer’s career.

  “Me? I’m set for life. They can’t be seen to openly retaliate against a lawyer, if they did no-one would ever take a case against them. I’m now the lawyer that beat a level 3 Litigator in a Ticket Buster. No-one’s ever done that before!” It paused and added, “You can’t ever tell anyone it was you piloting it.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone.”

  The sloth relaxed. “It should be more than enough to get me out of the public defender’s office. Now I just need to find a way to get myself a new mech…”

  The sloth stopped talking and flipped up its wrist, revealing a screen of its own. Josh couldn’t see what was on it, but whatever it was appeared to be making his lawyer extremely happy. Its face broke out into a huge grin, the entire bottom half splitting to reveal row after row of shiny white teeth. The sloth said, “Did you do this?”

  “Do what?”

  “Put all these credits in my account? It says damages, and there is a reference number from this case, but the amount of credits is vastly more than I have ever won in a case before!”

  “It has nothing to do with me!” Josh said, equally confused.

  The sloth pulled out a data pad and slowly tapped away at it.

  Josh said, “What are you doing?”

  “Checking the law. If there has been some kind of mistake, I need to raise it now, before the Galactic Corp accuses me of stealing money from them somehow, even though the judge is the one that calculate the damages.” Its long skinny finger scrolled down the data pad, and then its face lit up in surprise. “Well, well, it looks like it is a legitimate payment. Apparently a factor in the damages calculation is the CORPS difference for the trial.”

  “The what?”

  “It says here that the difference between the CORPS of the two mechs is added in to damages awarded if you win the case, but I’ve never noticed that before because mechs with a noticeably lower CORPS score always lose, or the fights are over very quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, these might be the first damages that I have ever been awarded. With this many credits, I could set up my own firm, go fully independent, maybe even buy a decent mech.” As this thought occurred to the sloth, it squinted at Josh. “I’m keeping these credits, as payment for risks taken in this case.”

  “Fine by me, as long as we are even,” Josh said.

  “This is more than even,” the lawyer responded, still grinning.

  “Does this mean I’m free to go?”

  “Sure does. You can also have this back.” It dug around under its M.C. and retrieved Josh’s backpack. Josh took it and felt instantly better as he slipped it over his shoulders.

  “Can I leave now?”

  “You’ll need to go through final processing.”

  There was a loud noise as the door to their booth burst open. A hulking figure in a black jumpsuit blocked the doorway. Its skin was pale grey and mottled, but its features were human-like. It grumbled loudly and Josh heard the translation in his ear. “What was that, Pokejngftheiaust? You humiliated me. I thought we understood each other?”

  The sloth laughed. “I grew tired of being your punching bag, Jax. Consider this the termination of our arrangement.”

  “Termination is the right word. You don’t stand a chance. I wasn’t equipped for combat that time, but I will be next time. I’m going to grind your pathetic mech into a fine dust and snort the remains.” Jax pointed his finger at Josh. “I’m not done with you either.”

/>   Josh laughed. “Do your worst, I saw you fighting and my lawyer mopped the floor with you. I’d love to see you explain that to your boss, but thanks to your staggering incompetence I am out of here.”

  Jax noticed the controller in Josh’s hand and said, “What is that?”

  “My property, returned to me as an innocent man. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my lawyer.” Josh patted the sloth on the back.

  Jax took a step towards Josh, his fists clenched, but then he got ahold of himself. As he turned to storm out he muttered, “This isn’t over.”

  As he slammed the door behind him Josh turned back to his lawyer. “He seems nice.”

  “He is not. You have made a lifelong enemy.”

  “Oh good,” Josh said, not sure if he’d ever had a lifelong enemy before. Some of the kids at school were jerks, but he rarely had to worry about them crushing him with a bus-sized mech.

  If he was going to start making enemies, he may as well try making friends. He held out his hand. “I never properly said hello. I’m Josh.”

  The lawyer stared at the outstretched hand, puzzled. It said, “I’m Pokejngftheiaust.”

  “Say again?”

  “Pokejngftheiaust,” the lawyer said, even slower.

  “Pokey-joust?”

  “No.”

  “Porkinwaust?”

  “No!”

  Josh didn’t want to butcher the name any further. In desperation he said, “Can I call you Poke?”

  “It is not my name,” said the sloth.

  “I know, but it is a cool nickname.”

  “Nickname?”

  “Yes, like a special name that friends call each other. Sometimes it is a short version of your name, other times it might be related to your appearance or job. It is a tradition on my planet.”

  “I see,” said Poke. “Do I need to reciprocate with a nickname for you?”

  “If you like,” said Josh, not sure he liked where this was going.

  Poke regarded him carefully, before saying, “I shall call you Little Pinky.”

  “Little Pinky?”

  “Yes. Because you are small, and pink.”

  “Could you maybe try coming up with something a bit cooler?”

  “Icy Pinky?”

  Josh groaned. “Never mind. Little Pinky is fine.”

  “Much as I enjoy our new friendship, Little Pinky, I am afraid it will not last long if you do not get far away from this place.”

  “Actually, I am on my way to Blurgon to learn how to be a lawyer.”

  The sloth’s smile slowly faded away. It reached up and pulled Josh closer with its gangly arms. “Don’t do it. This job may look glamorous, but it is non-stop stress and pressure. Every case is important to someone, and you can’t possibly win them all. Why would you put yourself through that?”

  “I need the money. This is just a temporary gig for me.”

  Poke laughed. “Temporary? It is never temporary. They will trap you with…”

  The translation cut out, and all Josh heard was growls. The Ship’s Computer suddenly piped up. “We have a situation. Jax is requesting a review of the trial. Those take time, but the Galactic Corp may choose to keep you here while the investigation takes place. It is imperative we leave right this instant.”

  That did not sound good. Josh said, “Sorry, Poke, I have to scarper. I’ll be seeing you.”

  “Hopefully not in the arena,” Poke shouted as Josh ran from the booth. “Catch you later, Little Pinky.”

  Level 8: Feeding Frenzy

  Josh waited for the ship door to close behind him before he collapsed into a heap on the ground. He felt the engines come to life and the ship slowly lifted from the hangar floor.

  There were no tears of joy, only a flood of relief. He had almost spent the rest of his life in jail over a misunderstanding. He was just lucky that the game controller had connected and kept his mapping. Without it he would have been dead in the water. Even as he thought this, he realized it made no sense. “Are you here Betty? Or maybe you’d prefer Barbara?” he yelled into the empty room.

  There was no answer.

  “Worth a try I guess. Are you here, Computer?”

  “Affirmative.”

  “I thought you couldn’t help me. How come my controller connected?”

  There was a brief pause while she processed her response. “My ability to help you was limited.”

  “Bollocks! You could have helped me that entire time. If I hadn’t taken over that mech, would you have left me to rot in jail?”

  “Affirmative.”

  The anger threatened to overwhelm him, but he couldn’t upset the Ship’s Computer too much; after all, he needed her to get back home. He had to remember she wasn't a person; she had no code of honour, only code. She would betray him the moment it became advantageous to do so.

  “Why?” was all Josh could manage in response.

  “It was an impromptu test of your adaptability. Congratulations. You passed."

  "Let me tell you where you can shove your test!"

  His wrist buzzed. He flipped it over and the screen appeared:

  Task Complete - Prison Break

  You found a way to escape the Galactic Corp without assistance. Reward: £84.74

  Task Complete - Loose Lips

  You did not reveal your planet of origin. Reward: £14.90

  Task Complete - The Best Defence

  You learned to use two weapons for a level 1 Ticket Buster. Reward: £56.18

  New Task available.

  - In-Law: Make it to the Blurgon Law School

  It didn’t do much to dissipate Josh’s anger. “I almost spent the rest of my life in prison and you think that is worth a hundred and fifty quid?”

  “No. It was worth £155.82. As per our previous agreement I increased the rate, and I must admit your performance did improve considerably.”

  “That’s because I was fighting for my life!” Josh yelled.

  “Interesting. I will keep this in mind for future motivation.”

  “Please don’t. I’m just happy that I won. At least we can skip some of the law school tests now. Surely that proved I am capable.”

  “Actually no. What just happened was highly illegal and would result in your immediate termination. It would be wise to never mention it again.”

  Josh groaned. “Great, so you’re telling me I just kicked serious arse and I can’t even tell anyone?”

  “You had better get used to it. Discretion is expected of all lawyers. You will fight many fights that you will later deny ever happened, no matter the outcome.”

  He huffed, but sat up. “Don’t worry, I can keep a secret.”

  “Good, because your life will depend on it.”

  Josh felt a rumble as the ship’s engines accelerated. His stomach dropped as the whole room lurched forwards, and he fought back the urge to vomit. “Any chance you can pull up a front cam on the viewer? I get car sick.”

  “Affirmative.”

  The wall turned into a large windscreen, showing the inside of a hangar. A large set of metal doors slowly trundled open as their ship headed towards them, revealing the swirly browns of the planet Blurgon below. As it reached the halfway point, the door abruptly stopped moving.

  “What’s happening?” Josh said as they sped towards a gap that didn’t look quite big enough.

  “The station A.I. has confirmed that it is a hardware malfunction on the bay doors. It is requesting that we land until a technician can be dispatched.”

  With a shudder, the hangar door started closing. Josh yelled, “They are trying to keep us here! Can we fit through that opening?”

  “My calculations suggest that based on all the available variables we have a 72% likelihood of making it through the door without damage to the ship.”

  “Do it.”

  “Are you certain? In most of the failure scenarios we suffer a catastrophic hull breach and you implode in the vacuum of space.”

 
Certain death or the possibility of life in prison. Not great options. “Do it now! Before I change my mind.”

  The hangar door sped up, narrowing the gap. The Ship’s Computer said, “Updating success probability based on new variable. 68%, 54%, 42%.”

  A pair of turrets dropped from the ceiling next to the hangar door, glowing red.

  “16%.”

  “Should we surrender?” Josh asked, certain they were about to be blasted to pieces.

  “Negative. If they have discovered the truth you cannot fall into their hands. Performing evasive maneuvers.”

  The ship spun and Josh was thrown into the wall, then the ceiling, then a wall again. It was like being trapped in a tumble dryer, and based on the glowing red lasers it was about to feel like it in more ways than one.

  The ship stopped abruptly and Josh was slammed into the viewer. He watched as the two turrets fired at the spot the ship would have been, creating a brilliant-red X. Before they could charge up again the ship accelerated, throwing everything to the back of the room. Josh sailed through the air, contemplating if perhaps prison would have been the better choice.

  The doors were almost shut now—the hole did not look large enough to fit their ship, but they sped towards it anyway. He braced for impact, and something loudly broke off with a twang above him, but just like that they were outside. They hurtled straight at the planet as red laser beams streaked past them. There was a loud shudder as something hit them from behind, and the Ship’s Computer announced, “Hull integrity at 60%. One more hit and we won’t be able to enter Blurgon’s atmosphere.”

  “So don’t get hit!”

  “Affirmative. Hold on to something.”

  Josh didn’t need to be told twice. He grabbed on to the console as the ship started to spin again. It was lucky he’d already puked, or he’d be redecorating the inside of the cabin. His legs flailed around, but at least he wasn’t landing on his face, which was a definite improvement. The viewer flashed orange, then red, and for a moment he thought the ship had caught fire, until the computer said, “Entering Blurgon atmosphere. The G.C. can no longer pursue us here. You are safe.”