Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

“Acquiring them? You are going to disarm a highly trained lawyer’s mech with no weapons of your own, while nine other lawyers stand around and watch? That is the current plan?”

  Josh shrugged. “It’s a work in progress.”

  “It needs more work and more progress. At this rate we’ll barely take a step before we are utterly annihilated,” said Frag, the excitement of his new qualification already being replaced by the slow realization that his first case was likely to be an utter disaster.

  “Hey, that’s one more step than we had an hour ago!”

  ***

  Gargle peeked his head out of the door. No-one else was around, but the corridor was long, with no obvious places to hide. He would have to move quickly to avoid being caught out in the open.

  He ran as fast as he could, until he reached a junction. His breathing sounded thunderous and he expected guards to appear from every corridor, but nobody came. There was a small pipe jutting out that he hid behind as he risked another glance. All clear.

  Gargle was about to make a run for it, when he heard a rhythmic clicking sound. He sucked himself back into the wall, wedging himself between the wall and the pipe. It was so tight he could barely exhale.

  The pretty lady from earlier strutted past on her way back to the room he had been held in, flanked on either side by guards. That wasn’t good. She would discover the prone form of her henchman and assume foul play. It wouldn’t be long before they were looking for him. He had to move quickly.

  He darted around the pipe to avoid being seen and froze at the junction. He’d been so bustled about on the way in here that he didn’t know which way to go. He had a 50% chance of being correct, so he chose the corridor on the left and ran, rushing past door after door, heading for the large double doors at the end, which he hoped were the way to freedom.

  An alarm sounded, flooding the hallway with sound. The door at the end of the corridor burst open and Gargle darted through the nearest door as guards started to rush into the hallway.

  It was a locker room, not unlike the one from the Mega Burger, with uniforms hanging everywhere. At a glance they would all be too big for him, but he didn’t have the luxury of time to come up with a better plan, so he chose the smallest one. He quickly removed his overpriced clothes, hiding them in a locker, before slipping into the uniform.

  Gargle was in the process of pulling on the trousers when a guard burst into the room. The guard said, “Sorry, mate, didn’t realize anyone was in here. Can you not hear that alarm? You’d best scarper, there’s a lockdown in effect and it’s all about to kick off. I’ll come with you, to make sure you don’t bump into the guy we are looking for. Nasty character, they said over the radio that he knocked out Mr. Brick. Must be a real bruiser.”

  The guard ushered Gargle along down the corridor, towards two other guards blocking the doorway. As they approached he said, “Found this kid in the changing room. Can you let him out?”

  “Boss said no-one leaves until the intruder is located.”

  “Don’t be such a jobsworth, Bill. Do you really think this scrawny kid had anything to do with it? He’s shitting himself.”

  Gargle risked a glance back to make sure that wasn’t an accurate statement, but he saw no sign of excrement. He did, however, look suitably scared. After a few seconds Bill said, “Urgh, you’re killing me.” He turned to Gargle. “Get out of here, and don’t tell a soul I let you out. I don’t want to be on the boss’s bad side.” He pushed the door open and Gargle scurried out before anyone could change their mind.

  He walked directly toward the exit. There was a commotion behind him, but he dared not turn to look. He kept his eyes on the large glass door to freedom, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. This was exhilarating. Was life on this planet always like this, with life-and-death pursuits at every turn? How did anyone ever make it to old age here?

  Gargle burst out into the carpark and looked around. There was no sign of Caitlin or her car. His escape plan immediately fell apart. She had abandoned him here.

  The commotion behind him was getting louder, and he couldn’t help but look back. The tall lady was heading his way with an entourage of fists and bulging muscles. One of the guards broke away from the others and charged straight at Gargle. He was leaner than the others and unbelievably quick. Outrunning him in this shell would be impossible, but adrenaline kicked in, surging through Gargle’s body. He felt faster, stronger. He had tried running; perhaps it was time to fight.

  He turned to face his attacker head-on when there was a screech of tires. A red blur hurtled in his direction and skidded to a halt at the edge of the curb. The door opened, and Caitlin jumped out. She waved to Gargle. “Get in, quick!”

  With running back on the table Gargle quickly reassessed his priorities and decided a hasty exit was a better strategy. He tried to run, but something crashed into him from behind, sending him skidding to the ground. The guard pinned him face-down on the floor and said, “You ain’t going nowhere, sonny.”

  Gargle heard a scream, and then suddenly the weight on top of him was heavier. Caitlin had joined the fray. She yelled, “Get your hands off him!”

  The security guard momentarily climbed off Gargle to deal with Caitlin. She wasn’t messing around; she was stuck on his back and had him in a choke hold. He flailed about, trying to shake her loose, and eventually managed to break her grip. Then he tossed her aside and blocked Gargle’s path to the car.

  Gargle froze. Caitlin was getting back to her feet, but there was no way she could take down the guard in time, and the rest of his friends weren’t far behind. That’s when there was a new roar, and the guard went flying sideways like he had been hit by a cannonball. It took Gargle a moment to recognize the Dad. He didn’t resemble his usual mild-mannered self. He looked ready for a scrap.

  Caitlin ran over to Gargle and dragged him to the car while two more guards finally caught up and joined the fight. The Dad took them down with a one-two punch combo that left them both napping on the pavement. Then he casually strolled back to the car while Gargle was being bundled into a small space behind the seats.

  The Dad was barely in the car when the wheels screeched and they sped away. He turned to look at Gargle. “You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.”

  Caitlin placed her hand on the Dad’s and said, “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. Thank ye for saving me one last time.”

  They shared a glance, and then a car in front honked and the moment was lost. Gargle slumped into the small space and laughed. He finally understood this planet. The chaos wasn’t a side effect; it was a feature. Nobody knew what might happen from one moment to the next, which meant every moment was exhilarating. The creatures here only got one life, one chance, but that meant they really tried to live it, instead of following an endless to-do list until they were no longer useful.

  That was the moment he made up his mind.

  He was never returning to Blurgon again.

  ***

  Josh could barely keep his eyes open as he scanned the text of the law books. The buzz beans were wearing off, and he dared not drink any more. He’d already been up for hours. He needed sleep, but there was no point if he didn’t solve problem #4. Frag sat on the other side of the forcefield, reading the same text, trying to find the loophole that they needed.

  …the accused mech must not have any weapons equipped, nor be carrying weapons of any kind, or have any weapons secreted around the arena or dropped by a friendly mech.

  He had read that sentence a thousand times, over and over. It was pretty watertight, there wasn’t much room for interpretation. He stared at his notebook, which was currently blank. This was it, the final piece of the puzzle. He just needed something, anything, that would allow him to survive long enough to grab a weapon.

  Josh leaned back and closed his eyes. He just needed a minute. He wasn’t thinking straight. How could he be creative if he was exhausted? Never mind that he would almost certainly die tomorrow unless he could
solve this problem.

  As he drifted off he dreamed of the ultimate loadout against ten other mechs. He’d need to be fast, so they couldn’t hit him, but he’d also need something ranged to keep them at bay, and an energy sword to deal with anyone that got too close. Frag would almost certainly insist on a shield, so that they could properly defend themselves and…

  His eyes popped wide open. That was it.

  He’d solved problem #4.

  Level 17: You’re Barred

  Josh was awakened by a spear to the ribs. It was gentle, but even the gentlest spear is a rough way to wake up. Worse than that awful alarm clock on his bedside table, or Pickle licking his face, or his dad opening the curtains and letting the sunlight do his dirty work.

  The thoughts of home caught him by surprise, but not as much as his reaction. He missed Earth. The homesickness was likely emphasized by the fact that he might never see it again, but now was not the time for sadness. He had a plan to execute, one with a very low probability of success. What would happen if he failed? Would Gargle pretend to be him forever, or would Josh have to die all over again on Earth? Perhaps he’d just up and vanish one day. What would his parents think?

  He couldn’t think like that; he had a plan to follow.

  The guard pointed at his earpiece and held out his hand. Josh said, “What is he asking?”

  The Ship’s Computer said, “I am not permitted on the floor of the arena. A.I.s are not trusted so close to large metal killing machines, that didn’t end well for anyone last time. I am to be transferred to the High Command programmers. We must say goodbye.”

  “How about see you later?”

  “That is statistically unlikely,” she replied, before adding, “but I hope it is the outcome.”

  “Always with the words of encouragement. Is everything in place?”

  “Affirmative. The plan is in motion.”

  “Then let’s do this. See you later, alligator.”

  “You are mistaken. I am not a large reptile. I am a computer program. You must focus.”

  Josh sighed. “Never mind. You’ll get the hang of this one day.” He was about to slip the earpiece out when he suddenly said, “Wait! That’s it, the perfect name. I’m going to call you Ali.”

  “I keep telling you, I am an A.I. I am not permitted a name.”

  “Yeah, well, we aren’t exactly following the rules today are we. What do you think?”

  There was a pause and then she said, “I like it.”

  “Perfect. In that case, see you later, Ali.”

  “Goodbye Josh,” said Ali. She really sounded like it was goodbye forever, which wasn’t a great vote of confidence.

  He removed the earpiece and handed it to the guard, who gave him a basic one with translation only. Josh pulled the tie from his pocket and tied it around his head.

  Show time.

  Three more guards appeared and escorted him down a long white corridor. They walked for a long time, long enough that Josh started to worry they were taking him somewhere else, but then he heard the familiar roar of the crowd echoing down the hallway. It grew louder as they walked toward the bright white light at the end of the tunnel.

  A figure stepped out of the light. She looked like an angel, albeit one dressed in an immaculate school uniform. Shift smiled as he approached, and then burst into tears. She ran up and hugged him. “Something is wrong with this shell. It won’t stop leaking.”

  “You’re just sad. It’s called crying, and it is totally normal. Don’t worry, it will stop.”

  “I do not like how it makes me feel,” she said between sobs.

  Josh hugged her back, enjoying the contact. It had been a long time since he hugged someone. Then he pushed her away. “It’s going to be ok. We’ve got this.”

  “I don’t see how, but I had the technicians make the changes you requested. I shouldn’t have to remind you that the mech will not let you use its controls as you remain unlicensed. That was one thing I could not fix.”

  “I know. Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

  “I hope it is a good one. Against my advice Blurgon is fielding a mech today. High Command said it would look bad if we chose to abstain, that they cannot be seen to condone your illegal use of a mech.”

  “That’s alright, it is just one more mech to fight.”

  “You don’t understand. They didn’t send a rookie lawyer like most of the other factions, Teacher insisted that he must be the one to do it, that he needed to be seen to take responsibility for your reckless behaviour. He will not fall for whatever tricks you are planning to use.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Josh said, doing his best to look calm. That certainly complicated things, but there was no time to worry about it now. He smiled and said, “I’ll see you after the trial.”

  “I hope so.”

  He left before he started crying himself. He barely knew Shift, and she wasn’t even human, but it was clear that she cared about him. Perhaps it was all just part of her envoy training. If so, she definitely deserved a promotion.

  As Josh entered the arena, the second half of the plan started. Frag strolled over to the guards and said, “I would like a word with my client.”

  “Your client?” the head guard said.

  “Yes. I am his lawyer.” Frag flashed his certificate like it declared him Lord of the Universe. The guards stared at it and mumbled between themselves. The head guard tried again. “You cannot take his place in this case, that is the law.”

  “I am aware of the law, being a fully qualified lawyer. Tell me, are you a fully qualified lawyer?”

  “No…”

  “Then I suggest you escort my client to a room, so that I may give him some final advice. Unless you would like to express your concerns to the Teacher?”

  “No,” said the head guard as quickly as the word could escape his mouth. “It’s fine. You can have a final conversation with him, but keep it quick. We can’t keep everyone waiting.”

  “I will take as long as I need, as a fully qualified lawyer.” Frag led them to a small room at the base of the arena. He stepped in first, followed by Josh. As the head guard went to enter the room Frag said, “You may stay outside. Attorney-client privilege.” He didn’t wait for the guard to argue; he simply closed the door in his face.

  Josh nodded. “I like this new Frag! You’re a total badass.”

  “I am a lawyer now, and lawyers take no nonsense from anyone.”

  “Really? You’re a fully qualified lawyer now? You should have said something…”

  Frag looked puzzled. “You already know about me passing the bar, I told you yesterday.”

  “Forget it. Maybe when you’re in my head you will finally understand sarcasm. Speaking of which, you’d better hurry up and do your thing, before they get suspicious. How does this work anyway, is it going to hurt?”

  “Possibly. I am not entirely sure.”

  “Ok, well then do it quick. If you’re going to explode my skull we might as well get it over with.”

  Frag slowly dropped his shell onto the table, leaving it slumped face-down. His ethereal form floated just above Josh. He hesitated for just a moment, and said, “Here goes.”

  Then he jumped into Josh’s body.

  Josh twitched, convulsed, and fell to the ground. He couldn’t move his arms and legs. He tried to scream, but his mouth wasn’t working either. He was paralyzed. He yelled in his own head:

  It’s not working!

  His mouth worked on its own, “Give me a moment, I am trying not to overpower you. It is difficult. You are so small, I do not wish to squash you.”

  After a few moments the feeling in his limbs came back. Josh wiggled his fingers, then his toes, before slowly getting back to his feet. His mouth said, “There you go, you’re in control now.”

  Not of my mouth! Josh thought.

  “Oh. Hold on, that one is a little trickier. I think I have it. There…”

  “Bloody hell!” fell out of Josh’s mout
h before he could stop it. He didn’t even realize that was what he had been thinking the whole time. He tried something else. “Hi, I’m Josh. Testing, testing, 1…2…3…”

  There was a bang on the door, making Frag jump, which buckled Josh at the knees. Josh said, “Watch it!”

  It was a reflex. This shell has a lot of easy-to-trigger reflexes. It is like trying to stand still in a minefield during an earthquake.

  “Stop thinking for a moment, I’m going to need to talk to these guards and I can’t do that with you in my head.”

  There was a glorious moment of silence before Josh swung the door open. He said, “Ok, let’s go.”

  “Where is your lawyer?” asked the head guard, peering into the room. He noticed Frag slumped over the desk.

  “He was so upset at my imminent death that he wanted to go and beg High Command to delay the trial. He said it was quicker to leave his shell behind.”

  “It doesn’t matter how quickly he gets there, you are out of time. Come with us, now.”

  Josh did as asked, taking each step carefully, as if he might lose control at any moment.

  The guards led him out into the arena, and he finally got a sense of the scale of the mechs. They towered over him. One was kneeling, and a panel was open at the front to allow him to climb in. He spotted his green backpack tucked into the corner of the cockpit as requested. Shift hadn’t betrayed him. He didn’t realize until exactly that moment that there was a chance she might.

  Josh didn’t put up a struggle; he clambered up into the chair without encouragement. A guard climbed in and fastened a large strap over each of his legs, which instantly tightened. “Ow, that’s a bit on the tight side!” he said.

  “That will not be your primary concern shortly,” said the guard.

  Once they were convinced that he was securely in place the guards moved away, and the panel slid shut to reveal a crystal-clear viewer. It was as if the panel was made of glass. Several other HUD items appeared around the edges, but Josh didn’t know what they represented.